I just found out (3 weeks ago) about wife's affair. We're in therapy now. She says that the basic issue has nothing to do with me at all - that I've been a perfect devoted husband (of 2 years, dated for 1 before, knew each other as best friends for another 7-8 before that). She says that she is thinking that she married me for the "wrong reasons" - that although I am her best friend, we have a great relationship, good mutual interests, etc., that she doesn't feel the kind of attraction she thinks you are supposed to feel for your mate (the "chemistry" thing). <BR>We've been struggling with similar issues for a while - mostly about her not wanting sex from me. She used a litany of excuses to explain why in the past, but this (apparently) is the real reason.<BR>The affair was with some co-worker who was supposedly the same kind of guy she always used to go for, before she decided on me - a jerky, self-centered guy, but really good looking. My appearance (in contrast) is that of a decent but overweight, ok looking guy.<BR>Of course I am very attracted to her and her not being "very attractive" never bothered me in the slightest, and she admits her feelings in this way are very selfish. BUt she is concerned that if she did this once, she may do it again, and she "loves me too much to keep hurting me". <BR>Our sex life was good, when she let it happen - I know I pleased her. But apparently she says she feels like she married her best friend and doesn't know if the love she feels - which she says she does feel some- is "mate" type love??<BR>So now she is "searching her feelings" and going to work with the therapist to see what her feelings are. I feel like I'm waiting for the sentence to be passed, like there's nothing I can do in the meantime. I read the entire website and I want to tackle many of the things on it...but it seems like she is determined to make up her own mind - and I'm not too optimistic about the outcome.<P>

Ernie -<P>i will put my 2 cents in for you - first, i know you are in extreme emotional pain - but, don't give up on her - quick as you can order Surviving an Affair - and read it - she must read this too. Remember this is an emotional time for you and her - but Surviving an Affair explains everything. I wish i'd had it back when I found out almost a year ago about my H and the OW. I had no idea what he was going through (withdrawal, the whole 9 yards). We are still together and working on our marriage. Maybe, you just were not meeting her emotional needs (EN's). Surviving an Affair is a good tool.<P>You are in the right place - the place to save your marriage. There are other books for you out there too, like His Needs, Her Needs (Harley), and a wealth of others that Dr. Harley wrote. Also After the Affair, by <BR>Dr. Janis Abrams Spring, is another good one.<P>My D-day was in June 2000, and I still hurt. Everyone's degree of hurt, and length of hurt are different. <P>She is lucky to have you, a good soul is better than looks. Let her read this. Work on your Emotional Needs - you both will need to do some changing.<P>Good luck, hope this helps. after shock