Well, I am new here, and am reposting this here due to lack of responses in General Questions area, thinking maybe I put it in the wrong spot. I tried not to write a novellette and lose everybody's interest in replying, I hope you forgive me if you think I have. <P>Overview of the situation is: this a a second marriage for both of us, both 1st marriages were very young and his ended in him getting cheated on and coming into ours with stainless steel walls up. We have been together over 10 years, married over 8, have two kids together ages 9 & 8, and have had tremendous difficulties to over come through whole marriage due to affore mentioned walls.<P>Over the last 5 years there have been three other women who he classified as "just friends", (women that obviously, to me, were trying for my husband), that he said were not a threat, "he could never do that", but he would hang out with them and confide in them about how miserable he was, tell them stuff he wouldn't tell me. I'm sure you get the picture. He was always open with me about what was going on and I am sure that there was no PA with the first two. <P>The third however was the problem. He stopped telling me about her about a year ago, and it ended a couple months ago with him leaving us twice to move in with her- once for 1 day- once for 2 1/2 weeks, the second time he swears is the only time they actually had sex, and it was only once. Right after that he says is when he realized he was betraying everything that he ever cared about and just what he was losing, and he called and begged to come home.<P>A week later he finaly told me about all the lies he had told me and all the things he had done with her over the course of the year before. They weren't actually having sex- but the fact that he had had such a close relationship and spent so much time with her and treated me like garbage, and LIED to me even when I confronted him straight out about where he had been.. to hear the truth of what he was really doing while I was at home literally down on my knees begging him and God for help and feeling like it was my fault (and of course he told me it was back then), it's crushing. <P>I feel betrayed, mad, scared, angry, confused, most of all my self esteem and self confidence are just gone. I want to get through this because finally I have what I wanted all these years. The walls are gone, he worships me, is trully with me and ashamed of how he has hurt me, open and tolerant, all the things I prayed for. <P>Problem now is my fear (fear to the point that when I feel vulnerable I shake and withdraw), which I know is really my own insecurities, but I can't seem to get past it no matter what I read or do to date. How do you rebuild your self esteem and get past this fear? I need to find out because right now I really am the problem to our recovery and I know it, and I do want to give this an honest chance. Help, advice?<P>

ScaredInNY,<P>I don't want to shuffle you around...<BR>...but you really are "<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>"...<P>...and I know you will get the most responses there.<P>You know you have some self-healing first.<P>The are only a few things for that "fear"...<BR>...seek out God...<BR>...seek out total honesty with your H... and that includes letting him know your complete fear.<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Dear Scared -<P>Welcome to "this section". Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Let me tell you, when I had my "first" D-day, I thought I was going CRAZY. I had so much pain - when I realized what was going on - I did not have proof until a week later - but I collapsed on a neighbors door step.<P>First - first - Get Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair". You can also get help in After the Affair by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. Read Surviving an Affair for your pain - and hopefully your H. will too. My H is just beginning "Surviving..." There are many other good Harley books, His Needs, Her Needs, etc., but there is a reason why your H treats you the way he does. Dr. Harley explains it very well, and how to work it through.<P>I will give you some support here - You have some very real, intense pain right now - you are not alone - we have all had it too. My prayers are with you.<P>Hope this helps - the book helps me a great deal. My D-day was beginning of June 2000. I am still in pain.<P>Also, read "to the newbies" info in this section, and read Dr. Harley's articles in here.<P>You are in the right place! Hang on for the roller coaster ride, eventually the hills won't be so steep.<P>Let us know how you are. Later, after shock

Scared -<P>one more thing - I've noticed that some of the requests have not been responded to - also, some of my posts have not been responded to - I think that some are just busy with either their relationship or the sun is shining too much, and its warmer, and they are out doing something. It doesn't mean we don't care. I will talk to you - okay. I will be gone this weekend - will be back Sunday night - I have to go out of town for work.<P>Just get Surviving an Affair in your hands as soon as you can - if you don't already have it. I know you are very emotional at this time (we all were), just hang in there, take one day at a time, try not to jump to conclusions, and don't make any hasty decisions. If you buy the book from Dr. Harley you will save $$.<P>If your husband is showing remorse/regret - YOU ARE LUCKY - nothing is guaranteed - but you can work on this. Talk to you later, after shock

after shock, thank you for letting me know you had responded here. Sorry I was slow in my response. Been learnin to fish this weekend w/H. (nice time). <P>Unfortunately last night I had bad dreams. Very vivid dreams of the two of them together. Now tonite I can't sleep, too afraid to have dreams like that again, so I'm just staying up until I pass out I guess is the current plan, (man am I going to regret this in the morning I bet). But it's a good chance to catch up on my reading here I suppose.

scared -<P>you didn't answer - did you get the Harley book Surviving an Affair - PLEASE start reading this one - this is going to help you. I'm glad you got to have a good time with H. How else is everything going?<P>please tell me if you got the books - remember - from the guidelines of MB - I hope your H is having no contact with OW. But thanks for the reply - I kept checking on you. after shock

Do I have the book, no, not that one (don't have the money right now). Someone on a different group here offered free books, but haven't heard from them. I have books though, others, and have read alot between them and online info.<P>As for how else is everything going, well, basically it's a nightmare. Relationship w/OW is over- for sure, in fact he has the same immpression of her now that I do, (manipulative, etc), but she won't go away. He is in a band (that he would rather not leave, but says he will if this doesn't end soon), and she continues to show up every night he plays, even though I am there and obviously he wants nothing to do with her anymore, he even called her some rather choice names the only time he has spoken with her about two weeks ago telling her to get a life etc. She filed a complaint of harrassment for the words he called her (they were pretty bad, but she fits the description ), and sent a buddy of hers from the local police who she is so cozy with over to "try to get him to work this out with her", I am so mad I just want blood, (trying to calm myself, he did refuse to talk to her, but I just can't take seeing this person one more time). <P>It is affecting me much more than him. He could honestly care less about her anymore, but I am having a great deal of trouble with feeling ok with opening myself up to him with the constant reminder of the pain staring me in the face every weekend. I don't know what to do, but I made it clear to him this cannot and will not go on for long. He has said he will put in notice if this doesn't see to work itself out in the next few weeks, but I'm not sure if I believe him. To be honest if he doesn't I don't have alot of hope for my marriage right now.<P>He is still there, still trying, still being great to me, but I am just so hurt and so scared, if I don't find a way to start feeling better and more secure soon I'm afraid I'm going to throw it away, and from a logical standpoint it would be a real shame, a real loss, but emotionally right now I just want to protect myself, and I am terrified of going through that pain again. Don't even feel good having sex anymore I just feel very withdrawn, and like I need to protect myself. I am glad he is being very understanding. I wish I knew what to do. Until this woman is gone, completely, from our lives I just don't think there is any way I will ever feel better.<BR>