I finally found some real evidence, but my husband is out of town and I don't know if I should confront him over the phone. My husband has been buying lingerie, he hasn't bought lingerie for me in years!! I have ordered the book Surviving the Affair, but what do I do in the meantime? I don't know how to talk to him about this over the phone, and I'm not sure it is fair to stress him when he is on a business trip.

I think it better to confront him in person. Do not give him a chance to think about it, see what his reaction is to the questions.<P>

Welcome <B>tere38</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Until you get the "book"...<BR>...read all you can starting at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>And about confronting him on the "phone"...<BR>...don't!<P>Learn how to Plan A first...<BR>...then <I>approach</I>... him... lovingly!<P>You're not alone!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Hi tere:<P>If I have learned anything from the other posters here, it's that the process you are going through can be long and painful, but you can get through it and rebuild a strong marriage.<BR>I agree that you should talk to your h. in person. Be factual, calm, and stress that you love him and want to repair your marriage. You may receive a denial, or a series of them. Read about Plan A - start now. The BS (betrayed spouse) is the partner that shoulders most of the work at the stage you are at. You are not alone, and you can get thru this.<BR>Robyn

Face him in person, I confronted over the phone on his way to fishing trip and I regret it. :It gave him a week to get his story together. Good luck.

I am terrified handling this wrong. I have never been so scared in my life, and he thinks he is coming home to his secure life with a wife that adores him. I am also not sure that I have enough info to present him with. I think he could explain himself out of it, and then I wouldn't even know how to respond. I am reading like I'm cramming for a final, and I can't tell that I am absorbing anything. The shock is stunning me into some sort of stupor. I let this happen! Now I know how that deer in the headlights feels.

tere,<P>Read...<BR>Absorb...<BR>Ask...<P>but... don't be afraid of making mistakes...<BR>...the only true mistake is (when you realize it was a mistake)... not making up for it.<P>Falling off the Plan A band wagon <B>will</B> happen...<BR>...get back on as soon as possible.<P> <P>Jim

Jim Thank you so much. Okay, I'm asking. Should I sit him down tomorrow evening and try to talk to him about this? Should I let him rest? How do I handle his denials when I know what I know? I guess I can expect a fight even though I'm a lousy fighter, right? Can't even imagine where I would be tonight without this site.

I used to travel alot when I was working (I've been unemployed for 2 months now...)<P>I'd say...<BR>...give him a day to recover.<P>Then the next day...<BR>...do start off the conversation with...<BR>...<B>your feelings</B>....<P>Yes...<BR>...men hate to hear this....<BR>...men... who have been taught that feelings... are a sign of weakness..<P>Approach this more for a sign of strength...<BR>...that <B>honesty</B>... of not just "facts"... but of "feelings"... takes more strength than anything else.<P>Set ground rules that if the discussion turns in to a "Love Busting" session by either one of you...<BR>...you'll stop immediately...<BR>...and continue the next day...<BR>...and give him a hug and a kiss!<P>In the discussion...<BR>...then tell him of your feelings...<BR>...and ask him to believe your feelings... regardless of the facts...<BR>...and state the facts you know!<P><B>The minute you sense "love busting"... stop</B>!<BR>This is important!<BR>Make all discussion... (even if they hurt)...<BR>...discussion that do not force upon each other a punishing attitude!<P>I'm sure you'll want to get it all out...<BR>...but try and be patient...<BR>...and let him know in word and action...<BR>...you have the patience!!!<P>I'll be praying for you...<P>I don't know how religious your H is...<BR>...any way you can start the discussion with a <B>very</B> short prayer with him...<BR>...something like... "God... please be with us... in our hearts and minds."?<P>Of yes..<BR>...treat him as a loving wife when he comes home...<BR>...Plan A to the hilt!<P>You will have my prayers tonight...<P> <P>Jim

Hi tere38,<P>Yes, you should talk to him about your suspicions. The sooner the affair is out in the open, the sooner you can start repairing the damage. As far as what to expect from him, well, you know him better than anyone here. But, be prepared for anything. If he is a violent person, you may even want someone else around. At least until you know he's not going to hurt you. <P>It doesn't have to be a fight. You can control that. If it looks like things are getting out of hand, STOP. Tell him you don't like where the conversation is headed and you need some time to think. But, try your best to get back to it the same day. You can start and stop as many times as you need to until you get some feedback that you can work with.<P>Don't expect to learn the whole truth right away. Part of the allure of an affair is the secrecy. He may want to preserve that as long as he can. Plus, he'll be embarrassed and ashamed, whether he admits it or not. Then, too, he may be HONESTLY concerned about hurting your feelings. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Show him how strong you can be and he should open up more.<P>Post again when you get some feedback. All of us here can plan together with you how to proceed. You are not alone. We care, and we want to help, or we wouldn't be here.<P>TTFN,<P>Kalote