Well, I just found out (within 2 wks) that my husband, "we work it out no matter what," is having an affair.<P>I have read several posts and this looks like a great place for me to get support.<P>I'm so glad to know you all are out there.

Welcome <B>InShockinCali</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>This is a <B>great</B> place...<BR>...and more than that... many great people!<P>Start at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>...<BR>...and read as much as <P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You are not alone!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

There is so much great stuff here.<P>I am in a good place today. Amazinngly, I have instinctively done some of what you recommend. I immediately knew and accepted the pain I brought to our marriage and have vowed to learn not to repeat those actions by going into therapy. <P>I have not raged against him, criticized him, nor blamed him for the state of our marriage. I simply asked that he acknowledge that he was wrong. (He did, but part of me still wants him to grovel!)<P>I am at the part where I am waiting to be able to tell him to have no more contact with her. I think that it will have to wait until we start marital counseling (5/22). His head is just not there yet. Also, she is just starting to show her real self. It is her that is crying and complaining to him and causing drama in his life (not me.) I have aimed to show him in action that I will be a different wife.<P>He feels that I don't respect him or see him as a man, and in a small way he is right. I got so righteous in my frustration with him, that I forgot to acknowledge and honor what he did right for me and his children. We have a lot of work, but I know who he is deep down inside and have faith that he will get in touch with that part of himself again.<P>Amazingly, knowing that I can sound off here, gives me a small measure of peace. I am sooo glad I was led to this website!

dear inshockincali -<P>My d-day was in June 2000, coming up on first anniv - we are working on it too. My H would tell me "i don't know" - it is all in the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley - it will help you. I know your pain - it hurts.<P>Welcome here to MB - I didn't know about MB until recently - so you are here right after - atleast your H says you'll work it out - you will learn it can't be done until there is NO CONTACT. Hang in there.<BR>after shock

Hi 'Cali,<P>Boy, it sounds like you sure started off on the right foot. That's great! Our recovery started off the same way. On my D-day, I started searching the net for marriage help. That was in 1995. MB was really new then. Plan A, Plan B and this forum didn't even exist yet . But, after reading the basic concepts and 'Negotiating in the Three States of Marriage', I knew what I had to do. <P>I made a commitment to myself to dedicate my life to doing absolutely everything in my power to save our family.<P>I realized I would have to put my pain and anger on the back burner for a while. It was counter-productive.<P>I recognized the changes I had to make in myself to get back to being the man my wife fell in love with 15 years ago. And, I did this primarily for me. I didn't like the person I'd become over the years.<P>A few things that helped along the way:<P>Have faith in God. I knew I would never have the strength to fight this on my own. So, I gave it all over to Him. I prayed every day that God would give me the strength to continue one more day. I prayed for Him to help me by melting the block of ice around her heart. I had faith that He would not let me endure more pain and disappointment than I was able to withstand. I knew He would let me know when I had done everything I could.<P>Focus on the goal. The roller coaster ride was wild. The ups and downs and ins and outs of the daily struggle were daunting. But, when I got really down, I took time out to daydream about the life we would have soon.<P>Try anti-depressants. They aren't 'happy pills' and they don't change your personality. They just even out the bumps and allow you to focus more clearly. You still have to get through life. You still have to work. You still have to interact with people. AD's help with that. I found I didn't need them for long.<P>Keep a journal. I wrote it in the form of a long, long letter to my wife. Six volumes in all . In it, I wrote about all the nasty things my wife was doing and saying and how they made me feel. It was a great way to release some tension without sabotaging the plan. I also used it to encourage myself. I congratulated myself for the positive changes I was making and for every small success in avoiding LB's. So, even though I wasn't getting any feedback from my wife, I could still look back in my journal and feel good about the work I was doing. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and progress. I let my wife read the journal about two years after our complete recovery. Needless to say, it was a very emotional and cathartic couple of nights of reading.<P>Counsel with MB. We tried three different off-the-shelf marriage counselors and we didn't like any of them. My wife felt like they were all out to get her and I felt like they were all just trying to prepare us for divorce. It took a lot of convincing to get my wife to try MB counseling. But, when she did, she connected right away with Steve Harley because he didn't judge her or 'side' with me. She got mad and frustrated at times. Because Steve wouldn't tell her what she wanted to hear, "It's ok to divorce." I liked Steve because he was very encouraging and understanding of what I was going through. He was also very insightful. Many times he told me what to expect from her. So, I was prepared to face the new challenges. I got mad and frustrated sometimes, too. Because Steve wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear, "It's ok to lash out at her." There is no question in either of our minds that Steve was instrumental in holding us together.<P>Well, this has gotten kind of long. I'm sorry. But, if it gave encouragement or hope to even one person, it was worth the effort. Maybe I should have posted this in one of the more general forums. Maybe someone who is a little more computer-savy can move it to the appropriate place.<P>Stick with the plan. Have faith in God. Never give up.<P>TTFN,<P>Kalote

Wow!<P>Just when I was feeling low this morning.<P>I am going to try the journal. I need something so I don't sabotage what is going well so far.<P>Last night we went to one of his school fundraisers, of course she was there, I acted my butt off! But I was determined not to look or feel miserable. I had a cute new outfit that everybody at my school commented on. So I felt really good.<P>They however looked miserable. She called him later boohooing, she was glad he came, but she was so miserable.<P>We, on the other hand, went home, worked out together, watched a video and had a very calm night.<P>One of these days I will tell him how much this has cost me, but not till he's ready. <P>This is bringing me closer to God. There are two people I work with that talk to me of God and their relationsip with them and I have always admired (and envied) their ease with it. I am praying as hard as I never have before that he will open their eyes to what they are doing to two families and 5 innocent children!<P>Thanks again for the encouraging words.<P>