I am just so confused.<P>Reading through this site, I have found shreds of hope. But the daytime hours, when we're apart at work, I get so scared.<P>When we are home I can feel him knowing what our marriage is worth, knowing what is right. I hug him and he squeezes me back. I hold his hand and he hangs on tight. <P>During the daytime, when he is at work, she is there. She calls him and he is swayed back. He emails her loving cards. <P>On the one hand he says he is committed to counseling (starting 5/22), but on the other hand he fully believes the counseling will only serve to show me that we should be apart and that I will finally understand his decision to leave our marriage.<P>He says he's not leaving me for her, but that he just doesn't want to be married.<P>I told him HE made me feel safe all these years. I was a child of divorce, he was not. He was the one who always said we would work it out no matter what. He said why did I pick that to be the only thing I listened to him about?<P>I feel like I am in a movie with no script. I am trying to listen to God for the right words. <P>Should I just let him go? I am so scared the fog won't lift and he won't see the truth. I pray for strength.<P>Cali

Cali, it's very early yet. Don't expect this to be over any time soon. It can take literally years to resolve. IMO, that's why so many marriages fail after an affair. Too many people don't have the patience or will to let their lives hang by a thread for that long. The fact is, we, as imperfect human beings do not have the strength to do this. The strength can only come from God. If you ask for it, He will give it.<P>Always keep your eye on the goal. Realize that the resolution is not open-ended. One way or another, this situation will be resolved. Visualize how you would like it to end up. That is your goal. Think about it. Dream about it. Write about it. Create it in all it's glory in your mind. Each day, add a little bit more. The vision will sustain you.<P>It is vital to not focus on the pain. You can concentrate, instead, on your goal and on the plan (Plan A) to reach that goal. I found it extremely helpful to keep a journal. Every day I wrote in it about the terrible things I was feeling and about how angry I was and how much I felt like a fool for letting her do this to me. Some days I wrote for hours. But, by the time I was done for that day, I felt much, much better. I got to release my pent up frustrations. Plus, I had the added bonus of being able to congratulate myself that I hadn't sabotaged my own efforts by unloading it all at my wife. Do you see?<P>Also, be comforted by the complete and certain knowledge that God will not allow you to endure more suffering than he KNOWS you can handle. He knows you better than you know yourself. Believe that.<P>Brace yourself for the rough times you know are going to come. Try not to take all the individual hurts personally. I know that sounds like a silly thing to say. But, do you REALLY think your husband is acting normally? Do you REALLY think he's TRYING to hurt you? Of course not. So, his behavior is coming from somewhere else. It's coming from the addiction. You already recognize that he has moments of lucidity. Hold on to those. Encourage them. Build on them. Don't be so focused on looking for the next outrage that you miss the good things that are happening.<P>Continue to work on the things your recognize in yourself that you don't like. Things that may have contributed to his withdrawal from you. For instance, I realized that I was a controlling-type person and I wasn't a good listener. I was down-right mean sometimes. I yelled alot. My wife would never express her true feelings because she was afraid of my reactions. It was so engrained in her that even when she didn't care how I felt, she still couldn't bring herself to be totally open and honest. But, little by little, one brief conversation to the next, she realized I wasn't going to bite her head off or ridicule her for having 'stupid' feelings anymore. Eventually, all the things that had bothered her about me over the years, came out. She mentioned incidents that happened years and years ago that I thought had been totally resolved at the time. I did alot of apologizing for my past insensitivity. My changed attitude let her know that it was safe to talk to me again. She didn't need to run to her BF to feel like someone was listening to her. But, the really great thing about it is that now I not only have a better relationship with my wife, but also with my kids, my friends, my co-workers and my family. They all recognized the positive changes in me. It was another bonus.<P>Another bonus is the fact that, after it's all over one way or another, you'll feel better about yourself. Either you will be proud of the fact that you, alone, for the most part, saved your marriage. Or, you will be at peace, if you split up, knowing that you did absolutely everything in your power to keep your marriage together.<P>I know it's hard, Cali. But, what, in life, is worth doing that ISN'T hard? If you stick to the plan and continue to ask for God's help, you will come out the other side a better person. I'm sure of it.<P>Keep posting, too. We're listening.

Oh yeah, one other thing. It's important to get him away from her as soon as possible. But, I'm not sure how you should go about it. When I was going through this, there was no such thing as a 'No Contact' letter. So, I'm not familiar with it. <P>Maybe someone else here can shed some light on the best way and the best time to bring this up.<P>Anyone?<P>TTFN,<P>Kalote

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kalote:<BR><B>Oh yeah, one other thing. It's important to get him away from her as soon as possible. <BR>Kalote</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is what my struggle is. He still calls and emails her. He sees her at work. (They teach at the same school.) The 1st two days I emailed her and called her and told her to back off. I was not rude. She is also married. I encouraged her to find out what she was not getting in her marriage and to clue her husband in, so they could work on it. (That was before I found this website!) She told my husband I was rude. Fortunately, he believes me when I said I wasn't. I even showed him the email I sent. In fact, it served as a love buster for them because she raged at him about me.<P>However, she won't back off. He is still in the addiction. Yesterday, I told him that if we were going to get an honest shot at repairing our marriage the contact would have to stop. I told him I felt really called to listen to what God wants our marriage to be. I appealed to him to find a new church with me. (We haven't gone in a long time.)I wasn't angry when I said it. I didn't demand. I just quietly held his hands in mine and asked. I told him I understood the pain our marriage was in and what brought us both to this point, but that he was still disrespecting ME his WIFE, but continuing to call, email and see her. He of course tried to say he wasn't disrespecting me. I just quietly repeated. I am your wife, to see or be with another is to disrespect and dishonor me.<P>I pray I have planted a seed that we need to listen to God. <P>Thanks for all the encourage words and support.<BR>Cali<P>