HI EVERYONE,<P>We have been happily married for 20 years next month. I have two girls 9,14. We have gone thru relocating numerous times with my job. We have always been best friends. We talk and talk and talk and talk.<BR>A couple months ago I told my wife that I had 3 one night stands even though they were over in less that an hour. They were co-workers an we were both under the influence of alcohol. I told my wife that I have had several occasions that I could have messed around on her since but I have beenfaithful the past 18 years ago.<BR>She was sorta cold tro me for a cou;le of days but lately she has been staying later at work. She wanted a weekend to get away from everything by herself. I staayed home an watched the kids. But she got very mad at me this past week. She has been drinking some with her female co-workers and not coming home on time. She says that she was doing this to try to make me angry. She is very angry. I contacted and counsler and talked with her on the phone, my wife did as well. We had an appointment set up for this Friday. I told my wife and she got mad. she said that it was too early to see a counsler.<BR>She has stayed at a hotel last night and will be staying again tonight. She says that she is coming home tomorrow and also she is doing a lot of thinking. She says that she still loves me but doesn't know if she can trust me ever again.<BR>I have cried and she has cried a lot this week.<BR>I miss her, I feel so lonely. I talked with her this morning and she sounded a lot better, I even asked her if she thought it was a good idea for her mom and day keep the kids Saturday night so we can be alone some and she agreed.<P>I just want us to be best friends again and get back to where we were in our relationship and even have a better on.<BR>Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?<BR>

john:<P>I would suggest that you order a copy of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>Surviving an Affair</A> and start implementating Plan A. Normally, Plan A is an attempt at changing marital behaviors when faced with an active affair (and this is something the betrayed spouse does). However, your situation fits into this category well. You need to start following the rules for a successful marriage, which are in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Concepts</A> section of this website.<P>Start protecting your wife from any lovebusters. Do not defend your affairs---continue to apologize. Ask your wife what you can do to rebuild the lost trust (and do it). And finally, learn about your wife's emotional needs, and become an expert in meeting them in a consistant, loving manner.

john44<P>I am a BS whose WS H just confessed to me "out of the blue" about an affair that occurred with a coworker 4 years ago - two occassion brief PA, nothing emotional.<P>So why did you confess now? What were you're motivations? What prompted you to spill all now?<P>My H says that he was convicted by God, felt like he was keeping something from me, loved me and felt I deserved to know. The guilt was eating him up inside (he has been very depressed over the last four years - I thought it was job related). He felt he could never be the husband to me and the father to our child that he needed to be by carrying this dark secret inside of him which was making him so depressed.<P>But you were able to do it 18 years. A lot of recovery depends on why you told at this late date, what you expected your wife's response to be, and of course how you treat her. But of course it also depends on what your wife is going to do with this new revelation - much of the power rests with her and her response no matter what you do.<P>I know, for me, dealing with something that happened four years ago is so maddening. I'm sure you're wife is in shock right now. Give her time and love. Explain why you told her now - what you hoped to gain, or should I say, what you hoped your marriage would gain by her knowing now.<P>I'd be interested to know what your answers to the above questions were, since my WS also told me at a later date, voluntarily.

John44;<P>My H confessed to his A that happened last year and he keeps telling me he just couldn't live with it anymore and it was making him an ugly person inside. But now that he sees all the hurt he's put on me he keeps telling me maybe he shouldn't have told me. I've told him as much as it hurts me the truth was very important for me to go forward with our marriage. We are now dissecting the A...so I can give you some advice being the WS. When she asks you questions, give her the honest answers. Every questions my H answered was honest and sometimes they did hurt me but I learned from them. So be honest about your A's..... She will need lots of space and lots of LOVE. Be there for her.... When my H told me he thought I was going to kick him out of the house or that I was going to leave. I did at first think those thoughts but then I thought this is the man that for the last 17 years of my marriage has been there through all my crisis...and by god, he needs to be there for me now. Everyday he sees the pain he has caused and it kills him...but we are working on our marriage and its alot of work. Sometimes...we just don't nurture it like we should and we start to drift apart. I never realized that until my H pointed it out. You did the right thing...I think more for a man that is honest than one that conceals all his lies. God Bless you and stay strong. Talk, talk, talk...be there for her. Ask her how she is a hundred times a day...she needs you more than ever. One of the books I read said look back over your marriage. We're married 17 years...and see if the good outweighs the bad....and I did. I told my H...he's always been there for me and we've had a good marriage...we just let it slip away and now we have to fight like hell to keep it together. Don't throw all you've had over the years away....work hard....stay strong.<P>GOD BLESS YOU...<P>SHOCKER17

John 44 <BR>I got into your message because my husband confessed to six PA that occurred 15 years ago. We've been married 30 years and have 3 lovely daughters. I even thought you might be him,changing the facts up abit. <P>I called him on it after processing an STD for 15 years. I thought it must be something else other than infidelity because of course my husband would never do that. <P>I am furious and haven't slept with him for 3 months. I want to see how he does when he doesn't get the end all be all....regular sex. I'll post more later. I agree with the other posts. We will get through this.

John, <BR>I'm back. It's late but I had a question for you. Do you have any idea why you would risk everything for a quick PA? I'm not satisfied with the response I get from my H...it just happened. I tried to role play a similar situation where I'm the perp and we can both see it doesn't just happen. The alcohol is part of it but it is the whole thing? I can't imagine how it could be unless you are in the black out stage but still standing up. <P>I don't get satisfactory answers. I do know that sex is so important to him and I feel like a stresss reliever for him. Highly unsatisfactory. He's coming home again after a trip that is a twice a year deal out of the country. Did I read it right in the mutual agreement area that couples should plan to never be away over night. My H would laugh at that and yet his PAs happen when he's out of the country. That is a common occurance in our marriage of 30 years. Too many trips to possibly count. At least 20 trips a year and some years out of the country 5 to 6 times conservatively. <P>In a recent "present" for my 50th he put together all these pictures that were at the office that I didn't see before. It is all these goodwill trips that he has taken. Toasting and sightseeing...having a great time. In light of his PAs I really wonder how he thinks that this makes me feel. Then he writes a card on my birthday filled with God's word about husbands needing a helpmate and how it was not good for man to be alone and how he hopes we will have a one-flesh relationship...blah, blah complete with scripture references. It was so comforting on my big day. <P>Thanks for any reply. Artsy

John, <BR>I'm back. It's late but I had a question for you. Do you have any idea why you would risk everything for a quick PA? I'm not satisfied with the response I get from my H...it just happened. I tried to role play a similar situation where I'm the perp and we can both see it doesn't just happen. The alcohol is part of it but is it the whole thing? I can't imagine how it could be unless you are in the black out stage but still standing up. <P>I don't get satisfactory answers. I do know that sex is so important to him and I feel like a stresss reliever for him. Highly unsatisfactory. He's coming home again after a trip that is a twice a year deal out of the country. Did I read it right in the mutual agreement area that couples should plan to never be away over night. My H would laugh at that and yet his PAs happen when he's out of the country. That is a common occurance in our marriage of 30 years. Too many trips to possibly count. At least 10 trips a year and some years out of the country 5 to 6 times conservatively. <P>In a recent "present" for my 50th he put together all these pictures that were at the office that I didn't see before. It is all these goodwill trips that he has taken. Toasting and sightseeing...having a great time. In light of his PAs I really wonder how he thinks that this makes me feel. Then he writes a card on my birthday filled with God's word about husbands needing a helpmate and how it was not good for man to be alone and how he hopes we will have a one-flesh relationship...blah, blah complete with scripture references. It was so comforting on my big day. <P>Thanks for any reply. Artsy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by artsy:<BR><B>John, <BR>I'm back. It's late but I had a question for you. Do you have any idea why you would risk everything for a quick PA? I'm not satisfied with the response I get from my H...it just happened. I tried to role play a similar situation where I'm the perp and we can both see it doesn't just happen. The alcohol is part of it but it is the whole thing? I can't imagine how it could be unless you are in the black out stage but still standing up. <P>I don't get satisfactory answers. I do know that sex is so important to him and I feel like a stresss reliever for him. Highly unsatisfactory. He's coming home again after a trip that is a twice a year deal out of the country. Did I read it right in the mutual agreement area that couples should plan to never be away over night. My H would laugh at that and yet his PAs happen when he's out of the country. That is a common occurance in our marriage of 30 years. Too many trips to possibly count. At least 20 trips a year and some years out of the country 5 to 6 times conservatively. <P>In a recent "present" for my 50th he put together all these pictures that were at the office that I didn't see before. It is all these goodwill trips that he has taken. Toasting and sightseeing...having a great time. In light of his PAs I really wonder how he thinks that this makes me feel. Then he writes a card on my birthday filled with God's word about husbands needing a helpmate and how it was not good for man to be alone and how he hopes we will have a one-flesh relationship...blah, blah complete with scripture references. It was so comforting on my big day. <P>Thanks for any reply. Artsy</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't really think that I was ready for marriage, I know that's not an excuse. I don't think I had all of the running around out of my system. It was with a couple of co-workers and one time was with a stranger when I was out of town. <BR>My wife is still angry but she isn't quite as depressed and the crying has stopped for now. We are talking a lot, it seems that some times when she talks to me on the phone she almost sounds like her old self, but other times shes short.<BR>She says that she is happy now at work mostly, but when she comes torward home she gets more and more depressed. I'm so glad that she is talking to me.<BR>She called me when she was leaving work yesterday. It usally takes her about 45 minutews to get home well she finally called me after about 2 hours , I was upset and worried. I know that she can take care of herself but I was afraid that she might have been in an accident. I'm going to see a counsler today. I have talked with her several times on the phone, but my wife isn't ready to talk to her yet. She has an appointment in a couple of weeks, we will probably go together.<BR>She is going out after work to have a few drinks and dinner with co-workers. I keep hearing that I've had all my fun running around when we were younger and nwo she nneds to have hers'. I'm trying to be paitent as I can but I miss her being close to me. I don't know what I expected when I told her, but it wasn't nothing like this.<BR>I haven't been this lonely since before I met her.<P>Take care,<BR>john