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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 11
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 11 |
Yesterday was two weeks since my husband moved out and got his own apartment. He moved out saying he just didn't want to be married anymore, that his obligations at home (raising the kids)had been fulfilled and it was now time for him to do what he wants to do with his life.<P>I found out in March that he has been talking with a lady on the internet. She lives in the same city that we do, but they have not met yet. I thought they had exchanged pictures, but found out that he couldn't figure out how to download the ones she sent and he hasn't seen what she looks like. They chat online everynight, call and page each other during the day. When I had confronted him about her at the end of March, he said they were only friends and she knew some people downtown that might be able to get him a better job. (He is a police officer but ready to retire in three years) At first I believed him, but then he got increasingly secretive about their contact.<P>I have had very minimal contact with him since he has moved out. I know from contact he has had with our grown children that he is at this point convinced he has made the right decision.<P>Last night, I got up enough nerve to page him. He hasn't offically given me his address or telephone number. He did call the house back and asked what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong, I was just thinking about him and wondering if he was okay. He said he was fine. He asked where the kids were (our oldest is home on leave from the Army) and I gave him a run down of what everyone was doing that evening. He said he might have had a job opportunity for the youngest son (20) who is only working part-time right now. I told him that the youngest son said he had a job interview today with the job he was hoping for. He said that was good....he then asked how I was doing. I said I was doing alright, but that I was not happy about the situation....I loved him very much and was still convinced that there was hope for our marriage. All he said was that he knew I did. Then he said to be honest, he was enjoying this.....that it was less stressful. I asked if I was the reason for his stress before and he said no. I asked him what was then and he said he wasn't ready to talk yet but he would let me know when he was. We ended the conversation talking about the bills and a goodbye.<P>Is this coolness normal about this time? <P>Should I tell him I know that he is trying to establish a relationship with the other woman? He thinks I believe they are just friends. She is not happy in her marriage but I feel that she has alot of material things to loose if she leaves her husband...and she has said she is not at that point yet. My husband keeps telling her he only wants her to do what makes her happy and in the meantime the two of them are building a good foundation.....<P>Was my phone call a good plan A? or was I LBing by bringing up our relationship? I need some input and guidance here from people who have been doing this for a while. I feel like I am having to compete with this other woman....<P>
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 934
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 934 |
Well, it may be competition, but you have the upper hand if you play it right. Do keep in contact, but don't be controlling or do it every day. Keep trying to meet his emotional needs, talk to him as if he might be coming home after work, call him your husband and when appropriate throw in that you are his wife. <P>I would tell him you know about what he is doing but try to remain non- confrontational, matter of fact, do let him know how you feel if possible without being a complete bummer all the time. Let him know the door is open for him and you want him to come back. This may or may not be the Plan A way, to be honest I just today am really going to read all of Plan A, but I know it worked and brought my husband home. <P>He was cold when he called too, enjoyed getting away from all the responsibility. After he came home he admitted to feeling very confused and depressed alot of times while gone. I prayed every day, and when he called and on the couple of occasions I called him, I let him know I was still his wife and he was still my husband and the door was open. He called about 2 1/2 weeks later in the middle of the night begging to come home and saying he felt like he had betrayed everything he ever cared about. It may or may not work out like that, and since you have the advantage of reading Plan A now during this critical time (I didn't know about the site yet), do read it and try it. <P>Remember you have the upper hand, a long history, a wedding band, and his children, use it to your advantage to make yourself look better, and do not act like a screaming lunatic or confrontational ever if you can help it. If it gets that bad either end the conversation or cry instead of getting mad and tell him the deep feelings you have. One of the things my husband said was he couldn't live with himself knowing how much he had hurt me, but he had been through it before himself w/ 1st marriage - I don't know about your husband, you do though. Appeal to the guy who has kept his resposibilities and loved you all these years, and show him as much as you can that things can always get better, make sense?<P>
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 11
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 11 |
Yes, it makes sense when I read it and hear it, but it is so hard to keep thinking postively. I keep going over and over the things he has said lately to me and then I get scared. Like he doesn't want to be married anymore....he doesn't want to hurt me but he has to do this, he has tried but he just can't do it any more. All those things sound so final coming from him. <P>I am praying all the time too and reading everything I can get my hands on.<P>Thanks for the feed back.
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 934
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Actually did that reading on Plan A today, not all that different from what i thiught just from reading posts, but good suggestions. I think it is possible to implement some of the ideas even in your situation. You might want to read this post I found in the recovery forum on Plan A : <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>BTW: you said <" Yes, it makes sense when I read it and hear it, but it is so hard to keep thinking postively. I keep going over and over the things he has said lately to me and then I get scared. Like he doesn't want to be married anymore....he doesn't want to hurt me but he has to do this, he has tried but he just can't do it any more. All those things sound so final coming from him. <BR>I am praying all the time too and reading everything I can get my hands on."> <P>I could have written this myself while he was gone. You are not alone in how you feel, very normal. If you are praying, one bit of advice that seemed to be where the tables turned for me is when I stopped teeling God how to do his job and started to say, "Lord I know you know how to do this, you must have a plan, your will be done" instead. Let go and let God do the work when you aren't around. He will, and I know it is hard and painful beyond words to really do, but you can get through this.<P>
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 11
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 11 |
Thanks for the observations again. After reading so many of the posts here it is obvious that these WS almost all say and do the same things at the same times. It's good to know that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way.<P>
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 68
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 68 |
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by aloneagain:<BR><B>Thanks for the observations again. After reading so many of the posts here it is obvious that these WS almost all say and do the same things at the same times. It's good to know that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi, Aloneagain,<P>I've been posting here for only about 2 months now. You can read my thread under Just Found Out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000698.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000698.html</A> <P>I, too, have one of those H's who just decided to throw in the towel after a long relationship (17 years total, 13 of them married), saying that he was tired of all the responsibility of marriage and so on. Truthfully, our life together has had more downs than ups, much too much to go into here, but this was the result. He did not move out, but we are living like two roommates instead of a married couple. His job takes him away most of the week, so our time together is very little to say the least. I've learned to make the most of that time and believe me, it is working.<P>I've had to adapt my Plan A to fit our circumstances, and one important thing I learned is that the more I confront him, the more he pushes away. By confront, I mean stir up negative feelings, like accusations, blaming, trying to make him feel guilty and all that kind of thing. Since I've backed way off and just let things be as they may (I think my former counselor would call this 'acceptance') and am trying to live my life as well as I can for me right now, he has started to come around emotionally again. It's slow going, but far better than being either ignored or battled against. <P>Like you, I went through the whole gamut of emotions and fears until one day something just snapped inside of me. I realized that I could, in fact, go on with my life with OR without him. I think what happens is that the injured spouse needs time to calm down and heal a bit before actual reconciliation can happen. Let's face it: their actions rocked our worlds and we wound up in shock for quite a while. Most people do not just bounce back from a shock like this overnight--it takes time and each of us heals at a different pace. <P>All I know is that crying, pleading, and bending over backwards did absolutely nothing to help my situation, but in fact, only made it worse. As soon as I stopped showing signs of fear and showed more signs of independence, he started to notice me again. I have no clue what is going to happen with our marriage, but for the first time in a long time, I can look at myself in the mirror and think, "You're OK...you can make it, regardless." And, I think that says a lot!<P>Good luck to you and please keep on posting here!<BR>Hugs..<BR>Winny<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Windancer (edited May 11, 2001).]
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