Dear Btrayd~<P>I am so glad you got the book After the Affair. I know what you mean about trying to understand the WHY and how to deal with it. Last week I had some MAJOR issues as to WHY the A happened ... my H gave me an answer that doesn't set well with me ( "I was just attracted to her" ) Maybe for me I could heal better if I knew it was something I did, like a need I was not meeting ... but he tells me it was nothing I did?! So I struggle everday with the 'why' of it all. <P>I will tell you, last year I suspected that H was having an A. Several things started to add up. I questioned him on several occasions and he would deny it. He came clean because he got caught, plain and simple. Last year I had evidence, but no solid proof. For instance there was a message on his cell phone from a female. The message never said Hi (H's name) it was a very general message. Although at the end of the message she said "call me when you can ... I miss you and love you". He denied even knowing who she was, says it must have been the wrong #. HA ... it was her and I think shortly after this incident he broke it off with her. He came sooo close soo many times to getting caught and I think he panicked. So fast forward a yr. I was still suspiscious and would occasionally look through his wallet. In the whole yr I had never found anything (of substantial proof). Then on May 1st (D-Day) I found a note from her. He says it was from last yr. That he was cleaning out his desk and came across the note. He got interrupted and shoved the note in his wallet, which was open on his desk (the note said Hi (H's name) I love you. We will be together again soon. Love (OW's name). Do I believe this?? well at times no, but what choice do I have?? I need to let it go and try to move forward. I know that if my H did not agree to counseling it would have been over. He REFUSED counseling before. So by agreeing to go and then actually GOING, that tells me that he truly wants to try and work thru all this mess. <P>I can also relate to the control issue. That is something I think I need to try and do with my H. This too was discussed in counseling. Our counselor says (obviously) I can not control his actions. With the help of him, I have to learn to trust again. That is tough for me. Whenever there is a time I can not find him, I panick. It helps for me to write things down (journal) and put them into perspective. I don't feel so out of control when I do that. I keep telling myself that HE will have to live with the decisions and choices he makes, so I try to keep my faith in God that it WON'T happen again. I can say that he has been good about "checking" in when he has errands to run, so it helps me to know where he is (he was having A during the day).<P>You mentioned that he says to you that he is tired of talking about it?? I have heard that on several occasions here. The first session in counseling was the whole A issue... I got to speak my mind and was provided with answers that enabled me to sort of put it to rest. Over the past few weeks I have done sooo much better about not bringing it up. It is amazing how it has brought us a little closer together. Somedays it is a feat for me to not mention it ... other days I have no problem at all just having casual conversation and being friends (there is that damn rollercoaster ride again!) That is why I said earlier that counseling enables me to have the weight lifted, even if just for a few hours ... I have to say I do walk out of there and feel sooo drained, wiped out!<P><I know it isn't practical to say "never", but I would not ever rationalize my lust for someone at the expensive of my best friend/lover/husband. The passion felt at the time isn't worth the aftermath, the pain and devestation and harm for the other person. It truly begins with respect for yourself and the other person. If you don't have the HIGHEST regards for the person you're with, then get out, because you're only setting yourself up for the same situation.> I can not agree with you more on the above ... I never understood the reasons why someone acts on the feelings of lust for another, especially at the expense of the relationship/marriage. Why on earth would anyone risk this? I really feel like most people feel they won't get caught... sort of like what you don't know won't hurt you ... I hope that if anything good comes out of this, it is that my H sees the pain he has caused and that he can in the future can exhibit more self control. <P>In closing (sorry so long) I know that you are not trying to preach to me personally. I agree with you wholeheartdly. So many of "us" are so caught up in the "me" that we can not see past ourselves, sad isn't it?? I don't mean to sound like counseling is a "magic pill", but I feel for us it is a positive step. We can sit back and say we will do better, try to make things work, but I know all too well where that kind of talk has gotten us. It would continue to become a viscious cycle of broken promises. We do not have the ability to know how to fix it, we have never been taught that. That is why we have sought a counselor. We need to look at ourselves and each other and LEARN how to face our faults and decide what is acceptable and what is not. What we can change and what we reasonably can not. For us, it is only then that we can make a mature decision ... and look back and say "hey we tried and we are better people for that." Hopefully we can both look back and then look at each other and say "we did it, how lucky we are to still have each other!" Keep your faith btrayd and stay in touch. Be well. <BR>

Dear Feelingalone,<P>Thanks for your response. I just bought another book called Surviving Infidelity, Making Desicions, Recoving From the Pain. The problem with these books is that they are mostly about how to get back together. What about the choice not to? Maybe it will address this.<P>I have been searching his truck, papers, everything (I'm back on that kick again) and I came across another piece of the puzzle, a left over corner piece of the condom packet, underneath the broken couch in the basement of the office. Same brand and the six I found in the drawer.<P>I showed it to him and he just came up with another excuse. A terrible one. A few more implication came last Sunday too, I caught him getting some things together and suspected they might be for OW. He lied at the time, but today I found she had called him on the cell phone and was coming to pick the stuff up. It didn't happen, however, because I was there. He was acting terribly mean to me, very strange, and now I know why.<P>I keep giving him lots of opportunities to come clean. I open up the floor to him and he is so weak, he can't. He did make the comment, after I said he was definately sick in the head, that other guys do it every week. He wouldn't really specify what he was refering too, whether is was the stripper stuff, or sleeping with OW, I don't know. He never elaborates or explains anything.<P><my H gave me an answer that doesn't set well with me ( "I was just attracted to her"> For me, a statement like this would help me be able to cope better. I know you'd like to blame yourself or take some responsibility for it, but just think of it this way...it WASN'T something you did, he just crumbled under pressure, and gave into being a horny guy. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but that's what is sounds like why it happened. It doesn't make it any easier. <P>Do you still love him? I'm sure there are times, we fall in and out of love during relationships. How do you deal with this? I'm sure there are times when you pull away in bed still, does that ever get better, easier?<P>It's getting late, I'm going to read a bit of this book. Today has been super emotional. Take care!<P>

Dear Btrayd~<P>I have actually stopped reading books. I read SAA by Dr Harley, but when we started seeing this counselour her technique and approach were a bit different. Let me know how this new book is that you are reading.<P>HHMM... so he what was his reason for the piece of the condom wrapper?? Are you guys living together? I know I still search somethings at times. I have looked in his truck recently (said that a friend from work, a guy, hid some condoms in his glovebox ... that was what he used when he first had sex with her) and did not find anything. I don't know how long I will keep doing this, maybe forever, but I know if he finds out he will not be very happy with me. I have so much (just recently) as gone by her house and then sat at the park that you have to pass to get to her house, to see if she is going to my H's store. I really should not be giving this woman so much effort. In my mind I really do believe there has been no contact between the two. <P>I really do not want to come across as a pain, or lecturing, but I really think you need to talk to someone who can advise on what to say, how to act. He really sounds like my H, weak and won't admit it. It took me finding solid proof for him to come clean. Like I said before, I had some proof, but the things I was finding he still could make excuses for. But how on earth do you make an excuse for a note that is specifically written for him and definately from HER (signed her name to it). <P>I understand what you are saying about my H's reason for the A. I just have a hard time with it, still. We are going to see many people in our lives with whom we find attractive. That does not mean we can act on it. So it scares me to think that if he had no self control last yr, what makes this yr or next yr so different?? Does that make sense?? I hope we can get to the point that our marriage will be affair proofed and solid.<P>Yes I still love my H very much. In fact I find sometimes my love for him seems intensified, stronger ... though the actually relationship is not stronger. I know this may seem weird and I wonder about it myself. I am very much committed to this man. I am not sure if I could actually say I am in love with him at this point, though. We have a lot of work to do and a lot of time is needed to find some middle ground that works for the both of us. I truly hope we can achieve this through counseling. Being intimate has not been as tough as I thought it would be. At first it was, but I think the competativeness comes out with that. We have always had a good intimate relationship and in some aspects it has gotten better ... another one of those "stratch you head" kind of deals. <P>I hope the book guides you and points you in some direction. I really feel, with time, you find some answers. Be strong and confident in yourself ... maybe his actions will get the better of him oneday and fess up. Be well.

Dear Feelingalone,<P>The lame excuse he gave me about the corner of the condom was that he and a bunch of guys -- meaning the ones that came to the stripper show -- opened up the condom just for fun, to make jokes. Whatever! All guys know what a condom is for, especially these guys, there's no need to open it up and see what it's like unless they're 12??<BR>Again, I'm angry because he thinks I'll actually believe this stupid stuff.<P>Today I found another piece. We bought some flavored mini-gels for our b-days. A month or so ago we used one, only a little bit of it, I remember the flavor because it was soo gross. Well we left it on a desk in the bedroom and I noticed one day it was gone. Guess where I found it? Down in the basement next to the couch. It wasn't fully used up though, was he saving it? using little bits at a time? Is that why he only used a little bit with us?<BR>I've been having terrible images all day. This is sooo wrong. I don't know what kind of stuff he's into, whether is the porno stuff, using the stuff with OW, I don't know, I'm going crazy again.<BR>The really weird thing is we've never used any other such stuff like that. We were in a mall store that had novelity stuff, spur of the moment thing. He immediately used it with her????<P>I'm so sick over this. I've been writing a lot, but it only helps a little. I finished reading Surviving Infidelity. I get frustrated that none of the advice ever says "wake up and smell the coffee! once a cheater, always a cheater, run like the wind, you are a fool if you stay". I know these are self-help books, recovery, I haven't stumbled across the right one. This one actually suggested to stop looking at the negative qualities of your partner and start looking at the good qualitities in your partner, I felt like it was saying "go ahead and cover up you partners mistakes, pretend those bad things never happened".<P>I tried to get him to open up again last night, gave him all the freedom in the world to tell me what's happened. He just says, "I can't tell you something happened because nothing happened." I told him I won't call, that this was good-bye because there's nothing left to talk about it he can't come clean and be honest.<BR>So I haven't called him. I've had moments of weakness, where I want to call him up and scream, cry, rant and rave. He doesn't yet know I found the flavor stuff. Wonder what is reaction would have been.<BR>I questioned some of the people at his work today, totally sacraficing self-esteem. One of the girls I really suspected had a strange look when I showed her the packet. She denies it but she always has this "look" in her face. I trust no one there anyway. One of the guys said he knows my guy and a bunch of other guys meet in the basement one a month after everyone leaves. But he doesn't know what they do.<P>Do you think these guys are hiring strippers all the time or maybe an escort? I called a PI to see if anyone does fingerprinting, he asked about my situation, he said maybe this is possible. Bunch of guys screwing one girl, or maybe watching, (this is so harsh to imagine I can hardly believe people do this) I can't see my guy doing something like this, but I guess anythings possible at this point.<P>Oh the pain of the thought of this. My feeling is...it is someone he works with, not the porno thing, but there is no way to be certain. He refuses to tell the truth.<P>I will have a hard time restraining myself tonight from calling. I feel like driving over there and making camp to watch every move.<P>I need big prayers, I need lots of prayer coverage.<P>You want to know a really sick thing? After he came back, after the two weeks, I wanted him so bad, like I had to prove my attractiveness and ability. I feel so stupid for that. I know it's normal but it's so stupid, not to mention dangerous!!! And I get caught up in sexual thoughts about him, just wanting to be with him all the time. It's sick! I should be shrinking away at his touch, detesting him...and I don't. My actions are maddening. I hope I get over the desire for him.<P>You said you're H admitted the A when you had solid proof, I have about 6 pieces of evidence and he's still not going to admit it.<P>I'm going on and on about me, I'm feeling very selfish. I can't help it though, I need to get these feelings out.<BR>

Dear Btrayd~<P><BR>I am going to probably babble through this whole response ... not too sure what your next step should be??! I just can't help but wonder why he is so afraid to come clean? Is he afraid you will leave him? Maybe he fears his reputation will be ruined?? That part really has me puzzled. My H never told me, partly because I did not have enough evidence, other than some phone calls. When I did find substantial evidence he just fell apart. I approached him with the note and asked what the hell that was (threw the note at him) he looked at it and shifted his eyes down and replied "a note". I asked what the hell is going on and he just started blurting it all out ... shocked the hell out of me. It was always one of those things that I felt was happening, in my heart, but never wanted to believe.<P>The way I have perceived those self-help recovery books is that when an A comes out in the open (actually catching the WS and he/she admitting to it) that with the help of both partners you begin the road to recovery. That, unfortunately is not the case with you. Your B won't come clean and admit and then procede to help you and himself recover. Does what I am saying make sense????? There are of course instances where the WS "chooses" to leave to be with the OP .. and the BS is suppose to do the Plan A/Plan B ... maybe you should really work on Plan B. Cut ALL communication. I know this will be incredibly hard. He has to understand how important it is to speak the truth in order for you BOTH to move on in a healthy way in your relationship together.<P>Not too sure about the stripper/escort thing... hhmm ... too bad there was not a way to "spy" when these guys meet in the basement?! Is there a owner/manager that is on the outside, that you could possibly tip off??? I know you would not want to get your B in any trouble (at least I assume that) but something does not seem right with this whole basement stuff?! What about the person you suspect? Is there anyway to find out her hours? Maybe be outside the resturaunt when she gets off to see if they leave together? Go with your gut. If you suspect someone certain, I think chances are you have hit the nail on the head. Try and find out as much dirt on her as you can. Did you hear about the idea (from a reply on MB) about going thru someones trash?? I know this sounds nasty, but it is not illegal and you can find out all kinds of info from someones trash.<P>My advice would also be to try and stay as strong as you can. Do not call him. Stand your ground. Disract yourself with some other things if you have too. I know this will be tough, but he has to make a decision and know that UNTIL he tells you what the hell is going on you are NOT going to communicate another day.<P>Listen to me ... the part you said about the sexual thoughts of him and wanting him??? I understand this PERFECTLY. I told our counselour (same thing here) and she said it is about competativeness. You want to prove to him that you are sexy, and the sex is good, like a "I can be better than her" kind of thing. Yes it is normal ... I don't know what to tell you except that I can relate 100%. <P>Don't feel bad about going on and on about you. That is what this is for... I will be here to support you no matter what. I wish I could help you more. I will keep you in my prayers, prayers for strenght and the courage to get past this all. Like I said before you will find the answer, although it may not be as clear as you might expect. Keep your faith. Please take care of yourself. Prove to him that you CAN in fact hold your ground. He needs to know that nothing but the truth is acceptable. Be well.

Dear Feelingalone,<P>Thank you so much for your response. I am so weak and want to call him to see if he will open up. I'm trying very hard not to do that, but stuggle minute by minute. I am overwhelmed with emotions again today. Crying a lot.<P>I rented a car and watched him last night. Nothing suspicious happened at all. When they closed, one of the girls I suspected took a friend home, and he went home. I'm hoping to get a chance to spy again today, but I have more to risk with no darkness.<P>Looking back at my notes, I suspect what ever happened was during the day. Like a said he was always home at night. His sister (whom he lives with) says he's always home at night if he's not with me (during this past month). <P>He got a called from another girl who used to work there last Sunday (I saw it on his cellular). The day that I visited him,she was supposed to meet him to pick up some stuff. But when I asked her why she called in the first place she denied that she called and so did he. Later it sounded as thought they had collaborated storied. I confronted her again and we talked for a while. She swears it isn't her. I thought sooner or later one of these suspicious girls would crack and get defensive about him, but so far this tactic hasn't worked.<P>I still want to drive by during the day and spy for a while. There's about a 6 hour timeframe that once in a while I couldn't get a hold of him. I don't dare take the chance of him seeing me spying on him though.<BR>I did the trash search, I never found anything expected the waded up papertowels that were still damp -- and definately suspicious of bodily fluids.<P>You are right about standing my ground and showing him that nothing but the truth is acceptable. I'm so sad because as I watched him last night (he was outside drinking and talking to a buddy) he's just continuing on with his life, no emotions, no sensitivity for my feelings. This hurts me so much. Since I told him on Thursday that this is ending if he can't tell confess, he hasn't even tried to call, I've checked by *69. <P>Even though I know this isn't my fault, it hurts knowing the extra time he had during the day to get away from work, he chose NOT to spend it with me. It's like he's living a dual life, I feel like I'm in a movie. He's living moments with her by day and then family time with me by night.<P>One of the books talked about serial affairs. Serial affairs happened once in a while, mostly when there is no emotional involvement, to avoid intimacy because that person has trouble with intimacy. They are for excitement. They care and provide for their mates, but "a litle on the side doesn't hurt" mentality. This is how I see my guy. He has nothing to confess because he feels he hasn't done anything wrong. He's been taking care of me so what's the big deal.?<P>Possibly one of the women I suspect wants the same thing as he does. I don't think they are together all the time. They are there as purely sexual partners, no commitment to each other. And they get together once in a while. That's why she doesn't get mad and defend him.<P>I will go back and look at Plan B. I am loosing my mind over this. It's been a month of lack of sleep, appetite, concentration, and sickness.<P>I wish I could find some relief. Thank you for your support. I'm thinking of you as well.

I have a friend that has a saying, "when in doubt, there is no doubt". Your feelings are probably right on the mark.<P>I know how you feel. I hope he makes the right decisions in two weeks. <P>I am a man, but I also know that men are pigs. But, there are some out there that just want a trusting relationship.<P>K

Dear Btrayd~<P>First of all, don't look at it as you being weak. You have a lot of emotions you are dealing with. It is 'okay' if sometimes we fall short. I just feel that if you stand your ground, he may see that you mean business and spill the beans.<P>When did you do this trash search?? Was it his trash or the OP?? HHMM that is interesting. <P>I can also relate to the extra time he may have had and possibly spending it with the OW. My H is a workaholic. He very seldom EVER has anytime to stop and have lunch with me. Then I find out he is seeing HER during his lunch hour. That really pissed me off! I guess it is the excitement of it all that enables them to all of a sudden find time.<P>Hang in there. There will be better days to come. Just remember that you can not make choices for him. All you can do is reassure your love for him and what he is losing. He has a choice to make. Stay strong and keep your faith.

I see that all men have piggish qualities, but some are more dirty than others -- this is fair to say.<P>Had a huge stand off with him. Four hours of denial on his part. For every bit of evidence I brought up to him, he repeated over and over he didn't do anything. He tried to make up excuses about the packets, kept changing his story each time and still refused to confess.<P>It's incredible the lengths he going through to deny this. Actually it's insane. What in God's name does he have to protect? His reputation? Already gone. He must be protecting her. It's the only plausable explanation for his behavior.<P>I finally gave one of my friends a call last night. I needed her words of strength, I was really down. Terrible bouts of crying and agonizing.<P>I need to walk away from this. There's nothing worth saving if there is no truth.

Dear Btrayd~<P>I hope your friend was able to comfort you and give you some helpful advice. <P>I say that you have two choices. Accept what he is saying and try to rebuild ... that is going to be tough if he is not willing to speak the truth and allow you to begin to trust again. Obviously your second choice is to walk away. I know that either one is not going to be easy, but you are right when you say that without the truth it is not worth saving. In order for you to heal and move forward WITH him he needs to speak the truth and accept responsibilty for it. <P>I am so sorry. I wish I could offer you more sound advice. I will still keep you in my prayers for strenght. You can email me at Hannahpeach@ivilliage.com ... Be well.

I found out about my wife affair 13 years ago and she still denies that anything happened. I talked to her lover and his story was different than hers. The subject seems to always come up when she wants to get into an arguement. She only says that it was an animal instinct and she had emotional needs. The affair lasted for over two years. I want to go and meet her lover and confront him, but everyone tells me to leave it alone. Will she ever admit to the affair.

Been through what you're going through with my wife. Five months into recovery. I know the agony you're going through and how hard or impossible it is to live your life as you are consumed with the situation.<P>I completely understand your need to spy and be told the truth. My wife adamently denied any affair until she was caught "red handed" so to say. You know this, but keep in mind, the cornerstone to an affair is lies. During an affair you must EXPECT to be lied to.<P>The two methods I used to catch and monitor my wife are a telephone recording system (which actually caught her) and a miniture GPS that is hidden in her car (helps with the trust issue during recovery). <P>The telephone recorder can be a computer, to listen to calls individually or an actual tape recorder connected to any phone jack (doesn't have to be the jack where the phone is). The tape recorder is time consuming as you are forced to listen to all calls and are constantly FF'ing through the tape. The computer recorder is very convenient, it presents calls in list form.<P>The GPS is a satellite tracking system that shows, on a map, exactly where her car has been and how long it may have stopped for and where. It's the size of a pager and can easily be hidden in the car. the unit is taken out of the car and conected to a computer to download the car "history". It's very easy to use, definetly easier than renting a car and trying to follow him.<P>I wish you the best and hope one day you are told the truth, as I find it difficult to move forward when there's lingering doubt. To this day my wife hasn't been completely honest about the details of the affair.<P>If you're interested in any of the spy techinques I used you can email me at xyzomd@yahoo.com

Dear Btrayd~<P>I just wanted to let you know that I had a problem with my other user name (Feelingalone) I lost my password and my email I had registered my name under is no longer. So I had to reregister. This is my new username.<P>How are things?? I noticed there is a post about someone's H confessing and I thought of you. I hope that time will heal all. You are still in my prayers. Be well.

thingsrlookinup -<P>I haven't replied in a while. I finally found some information that has confirmed my suspicions...and then some. <P>I had been calling, looking for numbers, last week I called one that was a number for our local BK. I thought that was pretty weird, so I asked if the woman's name by the # still worked there. She did. So the next day I took a picture in and asked if she knew this man (my guy). She was the manager there and was able to take some time (while working)to talk with me for an hour. She dated him for 7 months last year. At the beginning of last year I broke up with my guy because it had been 5 years and he wouldn't ask me to marry him so I dated someone else for 5 months. She said the had started to talk prior to them getting together though, apparently she was an old girlfriend of his. They dated until September last year. The problems is, he and I got back together in July of last year, so he was with both of us until September. She said she after a while he just stopped contacting her and she did everything possible to find out if he was seeing someone else. She never did find out he was back with me -- until we now. She had her suspicions it was someone he worked with as well.<BR>I told her everything I found, all the evidence, and I told her I was sure he was with someone he was working with now as well. This woman was in deep pain from her experiece with him, I totally believe what she told me. She always had in her mind that she would find out the truth someday, and she got her wish.<P>I asked my guy to come over to me house and I had her show up at the same time -- he bolted and ran away, he wouldn't face the two of us. We were trying to trap him, we both wanted to see the look on his face.<P>She went on to help me confront one of his friends. I basically threatened to tell his wife about the stippers and night clubs he frequented unless he confessed what he knew about the situation. He told me that I didn't know my guy at all. That there were things I would never know about him. He said I was trying not to see what was in front of my face, that I was denying seeing what was going on. I said all I wanted was the truth so that I could leave, that I only had suspicious and some evidence, but I needed to know the truth. He confessed that my guy was/is ****ing with a girl he works with. Probably since December.<P>I feel somewhat releaved to know I'm not crazy and that it is happening. But the other half, from what his friend says, means the 6 years I have known this man was not what I thought it was. Apparently, he has been cheating on me for years. He ALWAYS had someone on the side. I have no idea how many. That sickens me. <P>From what this girl and I could gather from our stories is he made a lot of the same promises he made to me, to her as well. The difference in our relationships is that he treated her badly and put her down, and he treated me very well, like I said giving me anything I asked or didn't ask for -- accept time with him. His work hours have always been the excuse to spend "time" with another woman.<P>I tried to talk to him later, he said a lot of confusing things. A while ago, he said I was the only one he's been with over 6 years. Then when he knew I talked to this girl he said he only dated her for 4 weeks and she "got on him" a couple of time. He called her a whore and a lier. When I questioned him about the girl he works with, he says nothing, protecing her or himself, tries to change the subject or divert to something else. He says mean things to me then later, he called and says I have every ritht to be mad at him, that he's only human, he's sorry for what he's done. But he still can't say what he's done wrong. He says if I meet with him, when I'm not mad at him anymore, he'll tell me the truth. <P>There is no truth for a man that lives by lies everyday. So many lies he can't keep track. "Only human" he says, no human could continue this kind of lifestyle, only a professional. He's so good at lying no one has been able to catch him. None of the other woman knew about me, so their relationships couldn't have latest that long. The only whore I see is him -- AND this girl he works with, because she did know about me. I confronted her many times and she lied to my face, just like he did. <P>They can have each other.<BR>What I must deal with now, is how to cope with the betrayal over 6 years, the time wasted on a slimeball -- of the worst kind. As I think about these events, I realize how much it seems like something you'd hear about on TV's 60 Minutes. He was basically living a double life.<P>I prayed one month for the truth and God gave it to me. I can't determine why this has happened to me, I'm not sure what I've learned from it. I hope it has made a deep impact on my son -- a lesson in lying.<P>I have an appmt soon with a therapist. I hope to accomplish putting all the terrible thoughts, the heartache, suffering, pain, everything behind me and move forward with a new life.<P>I'm not typing to make anyone's problems seem small, any betrayal is HUGE -- the suffering almost unbearable. But if anyone should have suspicious, don't give up searching for the truth, for answers. Had I let the "hickey" pass or accepted his excuses for all the evidence I found, I wouldn't have searched. I almost let him convince me to sweep it under the rug, but something inside kept urging me to pursue the truth.<P>Trust...is the most valuable thing you will ever earn.<P>

Dear btrayd~<P>I am so sorry. I can not believe he did this for so long. He really needs some serious help.<P>As for you. I really hope that you will start seeing this therapist and continue to do so for as long as you need to. He/she can help you deal with all the feelings and emotions you have. It is not going to be easy to face this. I am sure everyday will be a battle. But it will, I feel, make you a stronger person. The days will start to become easier. I am so glad you were able to find the truth. Truth, as much as it can hurt sometimes, is the most valuable thing one can earn. <P>Please keep in touch. I gave you my email addy (hannahpeach@ivillage.com) Email me anytime. Please try and stay strong. Take care of yourself, your son needs you. You need you. Be well.

Dear thingsrlookinup,<P>I would have emailed your personal adress but I wanted others to know -- I finally received a confession.<P>After I went to my therapist, I agreed to stay somewhere away from home for a week to try and break contact with him.<P>As I was packing, the phone rang and he started telling me what he had done -- I needed to listen. He said the girl he was seeing was his coworker, the one I suspected, and that they would go in the basement and mess around but nothing happened. I said I knew something happened so he might as well finish his story. He said they had been flirting a while and she said she was a virgin and was curious and wanted to know what it was like (she's 19, he's early 30's). He said it was easy. They wanted each other -- a man giving in to his urges. He said it only happened for a month and after I found the hickey he stopped seeing her and tried to cover his tracks by getting angry at me so I would stop asking about it, but I kept digging for the truth and asking everyone questions -- thank God.<P>I honestly think they were continuing the affair even after I found the evidence, mostly because the papertowels I found were still damp (so sick) 2 weeks after I saw the hickey. He said he fired her (he was her boss) a couple of days ago. Not that that helps, it could have helped in the beginning. Or they could move there sex place to another location.<P>I don't believe the bit about her being a virgin, tell me what you think, but a virgin girl is not going to give it up to a guy that's not her boyfriend and knowing that he has someone in his life already. To me, the story goes, she been experimenting sexually, seeing what's out there and whoever is available to her. Making up a story that's she's still virginal is a turn on for men the "first time" concept he told me, interested him. I can just image how she playacted it and he fell for it. Also, the whore was laughing at me and had no emotions the 4 times I confronted her. She's done this before. Plus the fact that he had condoms proves to me he didn't want to get her pregnant, they must have been doing it longer than a month -- I know him well enough to know he doesn't use them just for protection.<P>He has said over and over that he's sorry, that he wants me back, he'll do anything to help me with the pain. I can't even lean in that direction. He had his window of opportunity. He could have come to me in the beginning and I would have worked it out with him. But after finding out about past years -- he won't admit to them -- and after his excessive denial for 6 weeks, I don't trust him at all. I never will. He has caused so much pain.<P>I think this girl will be in and out of his life for a while, until he gets tired of her -- just for sex. He not getting "any" from me and this girl will probably continue to make herself available to him.<P>I am in withdrawal of the friendship I shared with him, terribly. He was my best friend. He was there when I needed him. But, I am putting my foot down because I know there is no future with someone who has repeated done this in the past. It's like an alcohol who tries not to do what they are doing, makes all kinds of promises, but just can't separate themselves from it.<P>Right now, I'm weak, especially when I hear his voice, so I have to be really careful. I need to hold onto some of my angry just to keep him away from me until I can get stronger.<P>How are your counseling appointments going? Are things looking up?

Dear btrayd~<P>WOW! I can not believe he finally confessed!! I truly hope you can find some peace with the confession. I hope this will help you heal. I imagine you thought at times you were nuts, like you were "creating" things in your head to believe he was IN FACT having an affair. Now you know that you were not crazy, all the things added up, and now with the confession it all (well almost) makes sense. I am so happy to hear that you are seeing a therapist. I hope you will continue for as long as you need to ... healing from things like this do not take overnight, God do I know that.<P>Dh and I are doing ok. We actually were doing very well until the last counseling session. It was ugly. We fought for the first time in counseling. I cried, got angry, called him an [censored]. Our counselour seemed to be soaking it all in, observing. She actually "encouraged" a fight, said arguing is not always a BAD thing. So we hit a bump in the road. I do feel we will overcome, but often wonder how long all of this will take?! I often wonder if what I am feeling is normal?? Sometimes I have so much anger, sometimes I am overcome with incredible peace? All of it is still so confusing.<P>I hope the last few days have given you more answers. I hope that you are coming to terms with it all ... be patient. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time to heal. Finding out about my H's affair was, indeed, a incredibly difficult thing. I am not sure what has been harder, finding out or recovery? Like I have said before why do we have to endure so much pain to find happiness again?? I do know for me, the end result I hope will be that our marriage is greater than ever. Either way, I know I will come out stronger, wiser. <P>Keep in touch with me. Email me whenever you need to "talk" ... I will be here to listen and offer encouragement when you might need it. Please be well.