Hello again... I am new to this (this is my 2nd post) so bear with me. It has been a week and a half since I found out about my H's affair. We start counseling next week. I am just trying to "find a place" right now. I go from feeling hurt and so betrayed, thinking I can not do another day of this, to feeling strong enough to get past all of this mess.<P>I am just not sure what to expect from him. When I found out about the A, H was remorseful. We spent several days crying together. He says that it is over (trying to believe him) and has been calling me throughout the day to "check in". I know that he infact is where he says he is when he calls me. I have been reading "How to Survive an Affair" but H is not a reader and I keep hoping that counseling will make him understand how important meeting each others needs are. I try to get close to him and do all the things that Dr Harley suggests (love busters) but I don't feel like I am getting the proper reaction from him... does that make sense? He tells me I am trying to hard?? He also tells me that things can not get better overnight... this I know... but we need to start somewhere?! Does anyone have any suggestions for me?? feeling so confused!

{{{Feeling}}}:<P>I know you don't really want to hear this now, but it takes time. All sorts of feelings on both parts are raw and exposed and it's hard to make any kind of connection when that is going on.<P>The good news is that it does get better!<P>I am so glad that you are both trying to be aware of each other needs, but I would suggest that you really look at your own needs right now. Try not to worry so very much about what to do to meet every single one of your spouse's needs right now. Look at yourself, think about what it is that you want from the marriage, and then start incorporating some things to meet your husband's needs into your life.<P>Have you ever flown in a commercial airplane? At the beginning of each flight there is a safety briefing, and one of the things always mentioned is what to do if the cabin suddenly loses pressure--put on the oxygen mask that drops from the compartment above. But they always say that if you're traveling with someone who needs assistance, <B>always put on your own oxygen mask first before helping anyone else</B>. You can't help them if you pass out.<P>That's the way it is with a marriage that has been hit by an affair. It's depressurized, but there is a way to fix it. Before you can work on anything else you have to take care of yourself first.<P>Hang in there. It does get better!<P>All the best!<BR>--HBC

Dear HBC~<P>What you said makes perfect sense!! Thank you! Last night I asked my H why he does not show me affection. He said he just does not feel like right now. I know this is one of my needs, but maybe in time this will come?? I am so confused. We start counseling tomorrow and I hope it goes ok and we find some answers. <P>Right now it is hard to find a place for myself. I feel maybe I should back off and see how he reacts to that ... not sure if that is the answer. My sister did tell me to be myself, but the funny thing is I am not sure who that is anymore. <P>Thank you for your reply ... MB has been such a great place for comfort and support!!!<P>FA

feelingalone -<P>I can give you some words of encouragement - You are in extreme emotional pain right now - we've been there too. You asked if anybody knows - listen - my D-day was June 10, 2000 (almost a year) - my husband was not remorseful - we had never really fought in 13 years of marriage - but we started fighting then - a sweet, wonderful guy (my sweet/wonderful guy) turned into something else - I did not quite understand which book you are reading - but you should read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, and even though you say your H doesn't read - the best thing is for him to read it too. Everything in it is exactly like I went through - emotional, etc. Resentment/hatred. Our OW was a family friend - who I hate now. <P>Counseling????? Our counselor was a waste of money. Most of them will go through the past - not effective - Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair (SAA) will give you better counseling, and insight. We never learned anything like that from our counselor. Believe me, reading and working through Dr. Harley's books are better.<P>My H - still does not give me the affection I desire. Right after I found out - he gave me none - he went through the classic withdrawal symptoms - I wondered What is going on? The withdrawal shows anger and many other things. My H did not start until about March giving me real affection. <P>Hope this helps - best advice is to follow Surviving an Affair (there are other books out there - but this one helped the most). I know it hurts, hurts, hurts. I thought I was going crazy - Monday, June 12 was a really bad day for me - he was at a college with OW & her daughter - I really thought I was going to lose it - but we are still together and working on the marriage. I wish I'd known about this site - because it has helped me. Hope this helps. aftershock

Dear after shock~<P>I am reading Surviving an Affair(that is what I meant). My sister and her H were having problems (little different than mine) and the book helped, but they are doing much better through counseling. We will be seeing the same Dr. <P>My H just told me that he does not want to give me affection right now. I am hoping through counseling and time this will change, as it is a need of mine. He says the A ended last yr... my gut tells me that is ended more recently. He won't own up to that, but that is what I feel. <P>NONE of this has been easy, actually is really sucks! I just hope whatever happens, I come out a stronger person, because right now I feel pretty weak. <P>Thanks for your response.