Have read so many of your posts, and so many similarities, but the main answer I was looking for, I couldn't find anybody else had ran into. My H left me just over a week ago on our 12th anniversary. It was a shock to everyone that knew him, and was so unexpected, up until a week prior, everything was fine, we had our ups and downs, but nothing led me to believe he would leave us. He has always been there when I needed, including taking care of my 90+ year old grandparents that have been living with us for 5 years. He was always disgusted with anyone he knew that was cheating. One weekend, he didn't come home from work, and said he had been at a friends party. He has a drinking problem, but has never interfered with our relationship often. Everything seemed okay for a week, and then he was late again, I told him he was going to have to get some help with his problem, and he said he was leaving. He packed his bag of clothes, but ended up not taking them. I was still hurt, and the next day when he came home, told him his clothes were by the door, he said he wasn't ready to leave yet, and I gave him an ultimatum, to get help with his drinking, which I know now, I shouldn't of. I believe he made me make the decision to leave for him. He left and we didn't hear from him for a couple days, when he came home, he said that he wasn't happy here anymore, and that he didn't love me anymore. Said that not to even try, he wouldn't ever come back. How do you give up on 12+ years without even a reason why, just kept saying he didn't know why, and he had lost all feelings for me, which I still don't believe, because his actions disprove it. His pay checks are coming to me, and he said everything including the home, etc.. are mine, and he will pay his share of the debt, which is high after two accidents he had last year, caused him to lose 5 months of pay. He has also been making sure that I don't need anything, and that any thing he hadn't finished here was taken care of. I know he still had feelings, because before he left, he gave me a hug and was shaking and crying. <BR> Leaving me no explanation, it was a week of unanswered questions that about drove me crazy. How could he love me two weeks ago, and just quit having feelings, I blamed myself, and everything I could imagine crossed my mind, but never an affair, til the day before he showed up again, it was the only logical answer. He wouldn't look at me, would just hang his head, and say he was sorry for my pain, and for our son's. And I couldn't believe he would just walk out without trying, and leave everything he had worked so hard for, without even attempting to try to work it out. Talking with friends afterwards, they had also noticed he wouldn't look them in the eye, but would tell them everything was fine. With all my unanswered questions, I finally made him admit to his affair, and then he did, told me it happened that night, when I asked him if he cared for the OW, he told me no, and that he was staying with a male co-worker, but would give me no number or way to contact him besides work, also have noticed he doesn't want me coming to his shop to contact him, and when he got a ride back to that town, (he left me the truck), had me drop him off at a parking lot. Why the secrets?<BR> When I told him that I thought our marriage was strong enough to work things out, he said he couldn't come back. But through all of our discussions, would not talk about it, or look me in the eye. He seems determined to just give everything up. I first believed it was because of the guilt he is feeling, but am also thinking maybe he is still seeing the OW, and is trying to save me the pain, but have told him, I just need honesty and some reasoning, which should of left the door open to admit it if he was with the OW.<BR> My question is if they won't even talk, or are feeling that guilty, should I just keep trying, or should I file like he has mentioned? Has anyone else had the same experience? Am I naive in believing he isn't still seeing her, or could his guilt be punishing him to the point that he doesn't think he could come home, he doesn't even want to come in the house, and has never said he won't come home, but that he can't. I guess I am looking for hope, but also trying to decide If I should file for separation, or give it time. We have an appointment with an attorney to file bankrupcy, which is the mess he has left me with. <BR> I don't understand if he did still love me, how he could leave me with this mess, which was caused by his own mistakes? If they won't communicate is there still a chance? Am glad to have found this board, it has opened my eyes to things I could of also done to have prevented this, and gives me some understanding of why it happened, but not to why he won't try, I believed our marriage was great for most parts, and worth a second chance. Am I only fooling myself? I could overlook the affair, but not the total abandonment and financial mess he has left for me to take care of.
