hello my first post on here because well this is new to me (tears) <P>to lay the background :<P>i am a 25 yr old male on my 2nd marriage , my wife is 23 1st marriage , we have a great baby boy that is 2 <P>the agenda for the day ,<P>2pm My wife calls me from work saying that the staff is gonna goto the bar around the corner and celbrate something (work mubo jumbo) . i say sure hunny have a blast , <P>9pm rolls around and my son is tired but mommy normally puts him to bed , so i call up the cell phone she is still there <P>She says we are gonna goto (blah's blah's) house and talk for a bit , i see nothing wrong here i love her and trust has always been great foundation of our marriage <P><BR>11pm rolls around , call her again just to cheack i am worried and want to goto bed myself NO ANSWER , worried sick i toss and turn in bed call her cell ever 5 mins or so <P><BR>11:30 pm She walks in the front door kinda drunk (not normal for her ) <P><BR>11:45 her cell phone rings , she says it is her friend that she was just with and something is wrong she is upset and she is gonna run over there and talk to her , i nod it is only 2 blocks from our house<P>11:55 i fall asleep ..<P>3 days later :<P>i notice she is acting semi-withdrawn from me , so being the pushy little SoB , i walk up to her and go , Hunny what is wrong you seem uptight what is wrong , she avoids the question <P>i repeating being nicer , hunny what is bothering you please tell me ,<P>she ingore's so i add some tact to it <P>Hunny , are you upset with me did I do something <P>she turns around i say , i just think something is wrong and i not sure if i did it ,<P>She repiles , are you made at me for going out the other night <P>i reply No , you are my wife i trust you 100 % <P>she repiles will i would not trust me <BR>i look confused <P>i go why you have never given me a reason not to trust you <P>she say , well i would not trust me <P>i look more confused <P>did you do something to give me a reason not to trust you <P>(long pause) <P>YES <P>( i start to shake in disbelief)<P>what did you do , thinking got a ticket or something stupid<P><BR>i slept with someone that night <P>(shakes nervously)<P>she avoids talking about the subject anymore we argue trying to get her to give me some info on why what when HOW <P>i know she has to be up for work in 4 hours so i left her goto bed <P>i am so upset i call her best friend around the corner to come over saying i need to talk , she comes over , i ask her about it pleading i cannot belive this i need someone to comfirm her story , she comfirms the story barly able to look me in the eyes <P>and the proceeds to tell me there was 2 cases of it that night , one with her BOSS and one with a co-worker .<P><BR>Later this day <P>my wife calls me from work yelling at me that i went to her friend for info , and tells me she wants a some space to firgure things out , i convice her to meet me for lunch <P>i search the web for info to under stand what has happened to me and her ) i print some articles and drag them along .<P>BRICK WALL <P>she wants space <P>we talk a bit more and she tells me she is willing to try and work things out and now she is feeling remorse and "dirty" and just needs some time to think .<P><BR>the dilemna:<P>I LOVE my wife my foundation of trust the ground floor of our lives has been shattered, i want to work it out , i asked her to transfer out of that office she does not want to create a scene in her office , she says she feels uncomfortable there and wants to use her vaction time to take a break from there, <P>How do i resotre my faith and trust in my wife and still rebuild that shattered trust , am i always gonna be wondering what she is doing now when she goes out <P><BR>how do we heal this <P><BR>CoNfuSed<P>

Dear Confusedh, I am so sorry for your pain and betrayal.<P>Your W has betrayed your trust. But it sounds like you still love her.<P>She does need to transfer out of her office immediately. Do you think she will agree to go for counselling with you?<P>I am a WS so I will leave it to BS's here to give you advice. Just know people from both sides are here to listen and be here for you. We all came here reeling in pain and as we progress, sometimes we feel more pain.<P>I can tell you your W's shame is real. It must be so difficult but if you can keep showing love and the desire to work it out, you will be on the right track. <P>I don't know that I can help you understand the WS's feelings or thoughts but feel free to ask. My situation was different..an emotional attachment with physical involvement but no consummation.<P>Thank you for coming here and seeking support. You will find it. People here are awesome. Give yourself lots of time and space as you work things through and come here as much as you need to. Be sure to get teh book Surviving an Affair and look up the articles on this site, too. Those are two basic tools along with posting that you will find very helpful.<P>Praying things go well for you.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

confused,<P>I am so sorry to hear of your pain.<P>I would suggest that you read everything you can on this site and find some of the books that are talked about.<P>It is really hard for a marriage to survive an affair, but you can do it. Look at your needs in the marriage and then see if you can get her to examine her own needs. If not, try to guess some of them for the time being.<P>Work on being a person your wife wants to be married to. Keep "making deposits in the love bank" as Dr. Harley puts it. Don't let her walk away completely, but don't try to control her every move. <P>I think that the fact that she told you about it indicates that she is willing to work on the marriage, that she doesn't want it to end.<P>Hang in there. It's hard, but you can do it!<P>All the best.<BR>--HBC

ok 4 days have passed we are trying to sort things out well at least i am she is avoiding the SUBJECT , i do not know if this is good or bad i so want to air the laundry and begin to heal but she is stateing still she wants time i have no clue and i hanging on to thin air or is time all she needs

Confused,<P> You should give her a little time to let things settle down a little. Right because of what happened, she feels dirty, ashamed and other things. So right now she honestly thinking about what she did, and why she did it. In a few days, tell her that you need to talk to her, and tell her that you would like to talk about what happened, and just ask her what exactly is she feeling. Do tell her that you still love her, and that you are able to work things out. Some women think on some men that when they have an affair, it's the end of their current relationship. So you must assure completely that you will not leave and are strongly encouraging to work this out between the two of you.

Hi Confusedh,<P>I would give your wife a lot more time than a few days. My wife didn't talk for a couple of months and now the talking is going well. At first she wanted zero talk. She was very very angry that I wanted to discuss it. Your wife feels ashamed (if she loves you). It happened. You can never make it unhappen. She was caught in a moment of weakness, drinking and said "what the hell (excuse me)." and went for it. <P>Probably before she was a good woman and now she is but she did the "thing." She did what everyone is afraid of but which every magazine and movie in this country promotes. We have this double standard going. <P>I would say give it a lot more time. It will take your wife time to calm down. If she sees you will not be a threat and kick her out then she might open up slowly. Maybe at first with some lies and partial truths maybe eventually the truth and maybe she doesn't really know. Sometimes people don't know. One man and one woman and one drink at night spells trouble in most cases. <P>The thing is to rebuild trust and to avoid these temptation situations in the future. For the sake of your child try to stick together. <P>Probably your wife had no intention of doing what she did but once you are in party mood and drink things happen. Maybe she learned from this mistake and will be a good wife from now on forever. Give her a chance. She should know what she did is un-forgiveable but if you get over it, you will be an exceptional man. She might love you for it forever. You will never forget this but the pain will be less.

rodger <P>thank you very much that was some of the insight i needed this is sooo rough on me right now i am about to fall apart keeping the apperance surreal on the outside is KILLING me on the inside

Welcome <B>confusedh</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You <B>can</B> and <B>should</B> be honest about your feelings with your W!<P>Counseling for both of you would be advised...<BR>...if she won't go... start yourself...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$120US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... in the mean time!<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Some diffidult choices are up ahead for you...<BR>...your W either rejecting her boss completely (sexual harassment)... or she'll have to change jobs...<BR>...it will be hard!<P>You are not alone! Stay... read... ask!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Confused-dont pressure her to talk about it if she's not ready- I guarantee you this will drive you two further apart and cause more distance between you. Vent to anyone and everyone ELSE- here, write your upset thoughts down, tell your pastor, your dog, your supermarket checker etc. But dont pressure your wife now. You might want to start taking an antidepressant too to help you stabilize your mood- I take effexor 125 mg a day its GREAT!Also start doing small things for yourself every day to make yourself feel better- I go to Starbucks myself! Sit there thinking and trying new coffee drinks. The fact that she confessed is a positive sign- my H confessed 3 mo ago and I have been to hell and back since then but we are finally starting to work on our marriage. Make your home a safe place for you wife to come home to- your situation is raw right now dont make it worse.These things take TIME and PATIENCE- but arent those way better to cultivate than a nasty divorce? Take care-lifeismessy

i have set up counsel appts for us both she does not wish to seek joint cousnel at this point and that scares me , but she did state herself she would like some counsel of her own , postive i think , i pray <P>i have been reading articles and such ont e web like a mad man and have tried a few ideas some taken postive some fizzled hard , <P>right now she is meeting the OM , at the local 7-11 to pick up some petty cash from her work because she has some shopping to do for the and he is delivering it and and afraid to come to my house thinking i will jump him in the driveway i told her that in nonsense but she again said it si best if the he stays away , how can i reaffrim that is nt the case i am not mad at him would have never happened had my wife not let it .......<P>again she says she will not change jobs or locations she loves her job and the people she works with , i want her too but i want her to be happy <p>[This message has been edited by confusedh (edited May 18, 2001).]

Just a link to a post that was put up a while ago...<BR>...about WS and their jobs!<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008480.html" TARGET=_blank>Why I think the WS should quit their job if they work with the OP</A>.<P> <P>Jim

To Confusedh:<P>I am afraid that you are in some sort of denial. Your wife in the same night has sex with her boss and a co-worker.<BR>You state that she says to you that "she will not change jobs or locations because she loves her job and the people she works with". This statement is unbelievable. What she is saying is that she loves her job and the people she works<BR>with (sic) as a higher priority than your marriage. Many men would have walked away from her immediately. This statement is such a slap in the face to you and shows such utter disrespect and contempt for your feelings and your marriage that it is incomprehensible that she could be so cruel to you. I am dumbfounded that you would even consider her statement as being valid. How could you ever feel secure knowing she is working with two men who she had sex with and refuses to quit her job. I think that you need to step back and examine what you wife is really saying to you and why would you ever accept this.

my wife and I have taken up ind. cousneling ATM in hopes to try and solve some issues , but on the note of her job i understand her nto wanting to leave , ex: been first time in 2 years she likes her job , we need the money , a transfer if available would result in a major change for her and she would not like , plus did i say money <P>we are slowly working on things on the surface perfect marrage under the surface we are like roomates right now

I think too if you want your marriage to last your wife should change jobs. I would insist on it. Otherwise your wife does not really love you. I have read about too many of these cases where the affair continues or starts up again when he woman is still working with the people she had an affair with. It doesn't take much to start the thing again. We all have our down days. It is during these days that your wife and her friend can again start up. To me it is not worth the risk.

I am glad that you both are in counseling. I understand the problem of money but you must need to sacrifice some to attempt to salvage your marriage. The comment that this is the first job she has liked in the past two years seems weird. My friend she had sex with her boss and another co-worker in the same night. I assume she will see them every day at work. Did she ever explain to you why she engaged in this sexual behavior knowing what it would do to you and her marriage? It is simply ridiculous for you to accept her working at her place of employment where she had sex with her boss. The major principles must always be no contact.<BR>I just cannot imagine how your marriage can heal knowing that she has to deal with the two men on a daily basis.<BR>I think that she has put money and her enjoyment of her job over your marriage. If you are content with the present situation then I am afraid that you will be in a whole lot of hurt in the future down the road. I hope I am wrong.<BR>Good Luck.

Confusedh,<P>What great wisdom you are receiving here. How wonderful to see you responding and being open. Rodger and Mystery23 are right on. I should read the "newbie" post myself as it's only a little more than 3 mos for us.<P>Confused, it is the hardest thing to do but if you can transfer, it would be helpful. Or at least change jobs if that will help. At first, we wanted to leave our city but in time decided (since we knew we would receive an eastern Canada appointment and like it here in the West) to stay here.<P>We are two very terrified people as our team-ministry job was cushy in many ways (yes, Ministers really do work more than Sunday and don't lay home eating chocolates all day except Mondays their day off :razz: ) Here we are today..I have a low paying job (started today and love it but boy, I'm sore!), and am looking for another part-time job to supplement my portion toward the bills. My H is worried he'll be unemployed forever so much so that it's hard for him to even pick up a paper and harder still to write a resume. But I know he will do it. He has a couple more weeks safety net and a few good offers have come but just not been the right ones.<P>The person that described how your wife is feeling (think that was Rodger) is exactly right..I can NEVER undo my mistake. I can never protect my H from my past except to resolve to love him. Many people here have waited a very long time for response and healing. Sometimes things don't work out but from what I see on this board, most are here to do their best to make it work and get support till WS gets out of fog and chooses reconciliation.<P>Keep posting and keep hoping <P>Glad to hear the progress even if it is small...still celebrate the baby steps. Take it from one whose been there...it's all you can do to make those first baby steps but in time, you and your W will stand tall and make eye-contact and move on with a new life together. That's the end we pray for but we are all here for you either way. <P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Fresh Start<P>Your posts are refreshing in your acknowledgement of the wrong that was done because of your A. I sincerely appreciate your courage and the forthright nature in which you show the remorse of your vulnerability as a human being. You are truly blessed! <P>------------------<BR>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!<p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited May 25, 2001).]

thank you all <P>i am soo confused baffled and hurt <P>the perfect marrasge on the suface is nice but it is only a facing , and under it is killing me i am trying to be as gentle and kind to her as i can but on the same hand do not want to say " it is ok sweety" type attuide

HELPPPPPPPP....<P>we are seeking counseling for this my wife swears, it was a one night stand (that would not have happened if she was not depressed and drunk)w/ co workers and she does not want a divorce i love here and we are going to sperate cousnel ATM but my body is beginning to shut down my emotions , trying to show her some attn and what not beiing rejected for the fact she feels , dirty ashamed and hurt . i do not know what to do give her the time she is asking for or put my foot down and move out <P>I love her and want to work this out she is not a very verbal person and does not speak up well <--- killing me the talking TO A WALL AND BOTTLEING MY HURT AND FEELINGS IS LEADING TO A SHUT DOWN AND I DO NTO KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT <P>i am reading after the affair by dr smith and am on chapter 5 so far ahrd to read it between work and my son getting hints from it but it all point to talking which she is not 100- % ready to do (cries)<P>confused

Hey, Confusedh--oops my computer is doing something strange..oh, my <P>Anyway, just wondering how things are going now for you?<P>FS