Please advise me. My wife and I have been married for 21 years and I am more in love with her today than ever before. I have often described our marriage as "an extended honeymoon". We have three children, all rebellious with ADD and out of control behaviors, which have created a lot of stress on our marriage, especially in the past 2 or 3 years. Our teens have done an excellent job of "divide and conquer" bringing out our differences in our approach to disclipline.<BR>Last year, my wife, 46, who is peri-menapausal, depressed, and may be having a mid-life crisis, and does have MS, said she was thinking about leaving me. I was very shaken. We took a vacation to Ft. Lauderdale as a sort of "second honeymoon" to get away from the kids, stress, etc. It was at this time that I proposed that we recommit to the marriage. She began to cry and say "I can't". She went on to describe this "wall" between us. That was one year ago today. Now we are hanging on by a thread, although she abruptly altered her plans (she was planning to leave me around Easter) when our oldest son (20) attempted suicide. She then decided to stay, at least for now. Yet, there is no intimacy, no sex, she puts forth no effort to work on the marriage, stays gone too much, is unaccountable with her time, cell phone is often turned off, etc. Then I discovered the enormous number of calls on her cell phone bill to her former employer's home, where he lives alone. I overheard the end of one conversation to him. She lied to me, saying it was her female friend (although I could hear a man's voice). Later I checked the phone statement, and confirmed that it had indeed been him. Then I overheard a bit more last week. On the phone with him, she puts me down, being very judgemental of me (i.e., everything is my fault), tells him how much money she has saved up, is very intimate in the information she gives to him about us, and ends the conversation with "I love you". When I confronted her that I knew about the obsessive calls to him, she asserts that she is not having an affair and that she has never been unfaithful to me sexually, that he is a "friend" and "counselor". I told her that there is no way that we can work on our marriage as long as she maintains that friendship. She has not let it go, as of this past Thursday, and I know that she still lies to me. She says our marriage is at the "brink of disaster" after reading a little booklet on how to improve your marriage ("When Bad Things Happen To Good Marriages") that a friend gave us. This, at least, is a first step for her in over a year! She has been unwilling to do anything to rebuild our marriage until now. I agreed with her that the booklet did seem trite, and suggested that we do a workbook from "Marriage Builders". I told her that MB had the best information on saving marriages of anything I have seen. My question is, What do some of you, who know more about these things than I, reccomend as a first step? I have copied a summary of Dr. Harley's basic concepts for her to read. Then I thought about the "Five Steps to Romantic Love". I know she still loves me and we are strong Christians (although her faith is low at this time). Any thoughts? Suggestions? Desperately need a guide.

Sounds like my wife. She was diagnose recently as bipolar(manic depression). It seems like your children inherited this as well as she. Read the following article:<P>click below and click on the top right where it says bipolar disorder<BR> <A HREF="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A22628-2001May13.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A22628-2001May13.html</A> <P>My wife also found faults in me. When the smoke cleared she had confessed to three affairs in a eleven year period. Don't be fooled. She is having more than an emotional affair. Emotional affairs are always followed by an intense sexual affair. The next thing she'll be telling you is that you are not her soulmate and that she loves you but is not in love with you. I am also a Christian. You need God more than ever now. Also seek a counselor(professional) to prepare you for what is coming.<P>I will pray for you. Also get the book "Torn Asunder" is the best book out there and its from a christian perspective. You can find it at Amazon.com. Good luck.<BR>

Thanks chakyl. Do you really think this that situation is hopeless? I sure hope that you are wrong. I probably need a good counselor right now. I am losing sleep and weight over this and it has dragged on for a year and 2 months with a gradual decline over time. We are probably at the lowest point so far (in terms of intimacy and hope).

Chazzy,<BR>Keep in mind Chazzy, Chakyl is only expressing an opinion...and not all opinions are right!<BR>Emotional affairs do not ALWAYS lead to physical affairs...yes it does happen often, but NOT always.<BR>At this point your situation is only hopeless if you make it hopeless.<BR>If you still want to fight, then by God man FIGHT.<BR>There are still many things you can do to restore love to your marriage...keep reading - you will find something in the Harley books and articles that can apply to your situation.<BR>God will give you the strength if you ask...and we will all give you support.<BR>SD

SoDuped, I really do hope I'm wrong. When my wife stated that she wanted to leave me I did not want to believe that she was having an affair. I even read the affair book by Harley in the bookstore and quickly put it down when I read the paragraph that stated that when a spouse wants to leave chances are they are already in an affair. I considered it heresy and presumptous. My wife then confessed to two affairs in the past, never mentioning that she was still on a third one.<P>I do know a lot about bipolar people. My wife was able to lie to me on the life of my children every single time denying every single affair, sometimes disclosing things like "I tried to get him to sleep with me but he turned me down" The facts are that Bipolar people either cope with their depression with drugs,alcohol, sex or performing risk behaviors. They also have unprotected sex. Suicide attempts are not uncommon.<P>I just want you to prepare for the worst. I know that I sound pessimistic but I'm trying to awake you to the reality that eventhough the sex with OM is strong in our minds, the bigger problem is getting her to stay in the treatment she is getting and for you to get counseling.<P>You ask if the situation is hopeless, the answer is no. There is hope. Reconcilliation is still possible. Its just that the road is a bit different than people who have affairs and do not have mental problems(though I think you have to be somewhat out of your mind to destroy the person who trust you-your spouse with an affair). You have to be physically and mentally strong for the road ahead not just to deal with what just happened but with her illness as well.<P>She will have this problem for the rest of her life and there is always the possibility that the children might inherit this disease. You need to be watchful for the signs now. My wife is very sorry for what she has done.Although she says she understands all of the pain that she has caused I truly doubt she is able to comprehend it. I have chosen to try to salvage the marriage. Sometimes I wonder if I stay because of the children or to continue to rescue her from herself. I know that I love her and if I leave that she will choose the suicide path. I also know that I cannot stay for fear. So, I am trying to find out what it is that I want and that is why I am going thorough counseling.<P>You can still be happy with this woman. But she will have to cooperate with you on this. I have been lucky in that my wife is cooperating. It was not easy though. When I confronted the OM in front of her she choose him over me. But when he started to backpedal she was able to see how he had used her. That was the turning point for her. My advice to you again is to read as much as you can about her condition and read the books recommned here.<P>If you want to read my post when I first came here paste the following into your browser:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000722.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000722.html</A> <P>If you want to find me, Im usually at the following forum under the name Chako. There are a lot of good people there:<P>That link is:<BR> <A HREF="http://members3.boardhost.com/affair/" TARGET=_blank>http://members3.boardhost.com/affair/</A> <BR>