My husband invited some people over for a barbeque a few weeks ago and one of the guest was obviously attracted to him. Her normal boyfriend did not come with him. I know that he has never cheated on me before, and that I have a little bit of a jealous streak from previous relationships. But he blew up when I mentioned that this girl was attracted to him. So later, he confronted her and she admitted that she was attracted to him. No big deal, the problem didn't become clear until later. I told him that I didn't care how she felt about him, as long as they were just friends. Our marriage has hit a rough spot, and he's gotten to be very good friends with her. He told me that on some levels he is closer to her than to me just because she has never made him mad. I completely lost it. Then the phone bill came, and he has an hour and a half conversation with this woman that he sees a few times a week at work. I confronted him and all he said was that he was sorry, and that he loved me. I said I did'nt want her in my house without me here and he agreed. I don't want to accuse him, or chain him down, but I'm at a cross roads here, and don't know what to do. I love him too much to let him go after over 6 years of marriage. I still think he's my soulmate. Someone please give me some insight.

You are not jealous. Get that out of your head. If you feel threaten by this woman he should respect that and terminate the relationship. The worst thing you did was telling him that this woman liked him. This probably ignited a desire in him to find out and you are seeing the results. If you don't act now he'll be the one telling you soon that she is his soulmate not you.<P>My wife's pyschologist told her that once its out that one person likes another, the other person will react to that information and will fantasize about that person even if they did not think about it in the past.<P>My wife began to talk to the other man(and there were three in our marriage) for hours every day. The result was three affairs and a life of pain for the church, me, children, family and friends. I suggest you confront this woman first and then your husband. You also need marital counseling ASAP. Please get help. You do not want to experience infidelity-its too painful.<BR>

{{{rhodek}}}:<P>I am sorry to hear of your fears. Yes, it does look as though your husband was well on his way to an emotional if not physical affair, but he seems willing to make things better with you. That is great news!<P>I would advise you to pick up a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs". See if they have it in the library. There is a lot of great information in that book and on this site about ways to keep your marriage healthy and happy...and ways to prevent affairs from happening.<P>In the short term, I think you did great by telling him you did not want her in your house. I would try to talk to him again about it, but try to stay gentle and avoid the "love busters" of disrespectful judgements. <P>Tell him that you love him and that you want your marriage to be strong. Tell him about Marriage Builders and see if he won't work with you to identify key emotional needs and ways you can fulfill them.<P>I wish you all the best, rhodek. Hang in there.<BR>--HBC

Thanks for your support. He's such a caring person that he takes in the underdogs as his friend. I tried to warn him that if he got too close to her, he could damage his friendship, or our marriage, or both. I don't hate that woman, but he seems to think that I'm jealous and playing mind games. He said that he's not going to live this way and that if I try to make him choose me or her he'll choose himself. He won't go to marriage counseling with me, because he doesn't believe that it will help. There are other issues that we have that are affecting this as well. Thanks for not telling me that it's all in my head even though I'd rather it were.