Recently I was devestated for the SECOND time within a year to find out my husband of 14 years was having another affair. This time was much harder to deal with due to the fact that he was having unprotected sex. I had NO idea this was going on. He covered his tracks so well. Even the few times I was suspicious he made me feel like it was unwarranted.His downfall this time was his cell bill and a little detective work by me. Not to my surprise once I found out....it was a woman who had been calling him at home "just to talk" on numerous occasions....When I told him that it wasn't right for her to call...and when I asked what was going on with her he simply said she was "a friend from work". That was where his other affair occured too...at work..with a "friend". My husband is a registered nurse...he worked around a lot of women and it was very obvious that he couldn't handle it. He now has another job where he only works with a few women, mostly men, and he isn't working at night anymore. This affair has devestated me. I tried so hard after the first one to trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt but he was so good at hiding it and I thought our marriage was better than it had ever been but now I see it was all a lie. He says he loves me and he wants to be with me. He says he has stopped seeing this girl but she sent me an email saying that he never told him to leave him alone...she feels it was left open. Since I found out about the affair i don't feel the love from him that i felt before I caught him. He seems distant and has even told friends that he "needs something but isn't sure what it is". I am so confussed and mentally exhausted by all of this. He is my highschool sweetheart and I have NEVER wanted anyone but him....We always had a wonderful marriage until he became an RN and now it seems like he wants to move on without me. How can I figure out what he really wants? He says he won't go to counseling...he doesn't want to be seperated and he doesn't want a divorce. He says I act like i'm the only one this has ever happened to. He says he doesn't know why it happened and that maybe it's just part of life. My reply to that is BULL........I could have easily given up on our marriage while I was helping him through 2 college degrees.......but i loved him.....and nothing could have made me be unfaithful to him. Am I stupid for letting him stay? Should I make him leave? How do I know if he is telling me the truth about this last affair? Is it really over? HELP!

4ever...so sorry you are going through this again. Did you go to counselling with the first affair? I think at this point, I would retreat, read the Affair book..and then tell him it's counselling this time or goodbye. Now, this is just my opinion. I know that I will not stay with my partner if he ever cheats on me again. Once may be a mistake, but a repeat performance spells deeper problems...something you definately need a professionals help with.<BR>Good luck and try to keep your head together.<BR>T

My husband too said crappy things such as, "You won't find anyone out there that hasn't done the same thing as I. Oh yeah, what an attitude, kinda like your husbands, it's life so therefore expect it. <P>It is not life, it is not normal, it is not acceptable. Plain and simple, it's a choice. A choice made by the wandering spouse to commit adultry.<P>I know how hard it is for you, Actually I have to be honest. I do not know, my husband had only 1 Affair, let me rephrase that, he had only 1 that I know of. So I do not know how you really feel. <P>After finding out about this one, I have to honestly say I don't think I have the strength to go through another. If I give him this chance, and I feel I've done all I could I don't think I would have anything left.<P>But as life goes, what I say and what happens is usually different, For my sake I hope not. <P>I always said I would divorce him if he ever ran around on me. Well, here I am still married, technically. In love, I don't know. <P>My prayers are with you, this is one hard road, there are no answers, only what you yourself can accept and live with.

Twyla,<BR>thank you for your reply. Yes, I did seek counseling the first time. I begged him to go with me but he would not. I went for 3 months....every week and it helped some but we always got to the part where we needed my husbands input and he was never there to fill in the gaps. He said he doesn't want to go to counseling this time either. Some close friends say that he needs a good christian counselor and God to get through this or he will just continue to do it. Should i insist he goes?

k9love,<BR>thank you for your reply. How do you cope with things since your husband cheated on you? How do you trust him. How does he act towards you now. Did it take him a long time to get over the affair. I don't think my husband is over his last affair. It's only been 3 weeks and I feel deep down that he has had contact with her since then....and i think they keep in touch through email at work. I had a wonderful day with my husband Sunday....and Monday until he came in 2 hours later than usual. He said he was at a meeting and it ran over and he called as soon as it was over and told me he was on his way home. I wanted to believe him, but a part of me didn't so I went to bed before he got home.....and i could tell that it made him feel bad because he tossed and turned all night and let out lots of signs but he never said anything. How do you get past all of this "stuff"?<BR>

4ever-ha<P>Good questions my dear. I wish I had answers. As far as trusting again? Well, my husband is smart enough not to have an A in our hometown. Too small, everyone knows someone. Therefore it is when he has these needs to go out of town with friends or whatever , that it will start again for me. It's been 3 months since I discovered the A. He has not gone out of town overnight since. He made it quite a habit before. Of course his A was in a town 3 hours away. <P>He acts very loving, very supportive toward me now. Of course we are semi-separated. He is living in another house right next door. I spend a lot of time with him. <P>As far as him getting over the A. Well that was a different kind of situation, he lied to her, said we were separated and she basically told him to take a flying leap when she found out. I told her, I contacted her.<P>I wished he had been the one to end it with her, he wasn't in fact he went back to see her and asked if they could work it out when he got his life straight.<P>I feel like second choice. So as far as how long it took him, I can't say.<P>I feel very strongly that I would leave him if he ever went back to her though.<P>We always had a good intimate relationship, that has changed drastically now. He says he's getting to that "age". I don't know how to feel, it's almost like a double bladed knife. He hasn't got the desire to make love. I wonder deep in my heart if he wonders if he'd have that desire again with her. Beats me. Stress, guilt, I don't know what it is. <P>After the A I was determined to meet all sexual needs. What a joke. Now he has none.<P>Good luck to you