H told me 7 days ago about affair with co-worker. When he first told me, he wasn't sure what he wanted. He said he knew it wasn't a choice between me and her, because the relationship with her can not last. He was having doubts about whether we should stay married. I told him that I was willing to try to work through this if I knew he was committed to really trying to make it work. Next day he decides he doesn't want to lose me and our 14 month old son. I told him he couldn't have his cake and eat it too, so if he wanted to stay with me, the other relationship had to end. He said he realized that, but needed to "let her down easy" so she wasn't angry and vindictive (she has the potential to ruin his career). That afternoon he talked to her and told her it had to end, etc. He came home to me and said it was "99.9%" over, but that they wanted to "go to dinner" the next night. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea, asked him to consider my feelings, etc. I finally told him to do what he had to do to end the thing. That night was pure hell for me, but now I'm trying to focus on the fact that he says the relationship with her is over, etc.<P>H told me that the other woman wants to talk to me to apologize, etc. Part of me wants to, but part of me thinks it would be crazy. Any thought/suggestions?<P>A few more details:<BR>she is out of town for 2 weeks now, so H won't see her at work. we are scheduled to move to another state 2 weeks after she gets back.

I viewed the affair as they symptom of problems within my marriage. Those problems are the things that I addressed. I have no desire to talk to a woman who knew me and my children and still slept with my H. Nothing she can say will ever make me feel better about what happened. In fact, if I saw her, I am quite sure that negative feelings would be stirred up. Recovery of a marriage is hard enough work without having to add in dealing with the OW. <P>My advice to you is to put any morbid curosity you have to the side and decline to meet with her. Also, why should you help her clear her conscience??? After all, that is what she is hoping for. Let her live with and learn to deal with what she did and is capable of doing.<P>Restore your marriage without her apology or explanation.<P>take care,<BR>cleo

My H told me about his A. All I could see was the two of them talking and laughing together, then them in bed and whispering sweet nothings to each other. H told me it was not at all like that- she bent over and he took the offer plain and simple. Then I started wondering what must she look like, because I was doing my part in this marriage.<P>I prayed, and let it go. The next week OW called my job, trying to pose as "a close friend". I did ask her three times for her name. She said it was her. Then she tripped up later in the conversation, saying she would never have the nerve to call his wife and say anything, that she and my husband would never do a thing like that. All she talked about was how much he talked about me and our child, how much he loved me... and I'm thinking to myself, o.k. this is a woman who has issues. This is her way of apologizing. Plus the way she tripped up showed me she wasn't as bright as I assumed!;}<BR>So what I'm saying is, it fell into place. I still wonder what she looks like, etc. I mean that was how it went for me. And I still am angry and wish it never happened, but at this second, the fact is that was their choice to make. I chose to forgive my H and this comes with the territory. What is your choice? Just something to think about... Be well

Dear Zila~ <P>I have thought about calling the OW several times. I have to say for me, I really do not want to hear what she has to say. I know enough (more than I care to) about the whole A and I really fear that hearing her tell me (if she in fact does) love my H, would send me over the edge. <P>Talking to the OW is a personnal decision. I just know for me, I have chosen to forgive and restore my marriage with my H. So frankly what she has to say makes no difference. I say work on your marriage with H and let the OW live with what she did.<BR>

I have at least 2 weeks to decide since the OW is out of town.<P>I dunno, part of me wants to let her know just how much damage she did. I know "it takes two to tango", so she is not 100% to blame, but if she hadn't been willing then...<P>Another part of me thinks it might help H "let her go" since he says he worries about her - he was her only friend, etc. I guess she was pretty "unstable" when she first started talking to him (that's what started this whole thing! - she was comfortable talking to him about being unhappy with everything in her life, etc) Maybe he's just trying to make himself feel better though?<P>Ugh, this whole thing is such a mess. I just want it to go away. I don't want to think about her anymore and I REALLY don't want my H thinking about her. I want him thinking about ME!! But see, that's the Taker in me talking. How on earth do you NOT make demands (which is a love buster) in a situation like this? It makes me crazy when my husband says he realizes what he did was wrong, he is so sorry he hurt me, but he doesn't want to lose her friendship. I'm sorry, I can't handle him being "friends" with her after all of this!!!

Dear Zila~<P>I know EXATCLY what you mean when you say you want him to think about YOU. I have been dealing with this same thing. That is the competative side coming out in us. My H was honest and told me that he does still have feelings for her ... emotionally and physically. That is a tough one to swallow. I have been trying so hard to deal with that. Our counselor said that it is not so much what he feels about the OW as it is if he intends to ACT on those feelings and he says he will not. We have to realize we can not make choices for them. I can not control how he thinks and feels. <P>It is tough not to make demands. I find myself having to right things down on paper just to keep from calling H and doing this very thing. Try and take control of yourself and take care of yourself ... hopefully things will start to fall into place better. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, but I really feel it will get better.

Zila,<P>Your contact with the OW means nothing...<BR>You have no relationship with the OW... don't start one!<P>Your H's formal "no contact" letter to the OW will mean much more to you and your H.<P> <P>Jim

And just how do I get him to write a "no contact" letter? From what I've read on here, I can't demand it because that's a love buster...

You're right you can't "force" him to write a no contact letter...<P>He can/will only do that when he is ready...<BR>...if he is not ready...<BR>...it will require more patience on your part!<P>But...<BR>...that doesn't mean you can't be honest with your H...<BR>...and let him know (very lovingly)...<BR>...that continued contact is hurting you...<BR>...that it is draining your love for him...<BR>...and it is very unhealthy in the long run...<P>...in effect... letting him know you may have to consider a Plan B (without telling him of the details that Plan B entails)<BR>BTW: you're so new to the affair... that Plan B is long way off for you...<BR>...but gentle persuasion (through your Plan A) is needed to lead him to this letter...<BR>...it represents the <B>start</B> to recovery!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 19, 2001).]

Zila,<P> My wife is having an affiar with a man at work. I got together with him. It was a mistake. They brought another friend with them. They bashed me for two hours on how bad a husband I have been. Nothing about her mistakes. At the time and even to this day my wife says that they are just friends, but I am not stupid. If I were you I wouldn't do it.