My husband left me and our 3 children in November. Little did I know then where he was going. He said he needed a break and he has been sad for sometime but wouldn't it be great when he comes back if thing got better. I couldn't understand. I had no idea. We had little arguments but nothing monumental. After having 3 children 3,7 and 9 and having my thyroid removed due to cancer I ballooned up. My selfesteem was nill and I my love tank empty. Now since he left I have lost 74lbs (done) and felt good about myself that was until I found out. 8 weeks ago my husband called from a strange cell# I had a service find out who it belonged to and found out her name and address. I called him there 2 weeks later and busted him. He was talking about a mediator and how we should be adult about this. I could not beleive it my whole world crashed again. Just spoke to him tonight and he insists he does not want a divorce he is just having a hard time figuring out how to tell her. I do not know what to beleive. What should I do. When he is around he is attracted to me and wants to be intimate but no way I say. He tells me he made the biggest mistake of his life and his relationship with her is based on all lies. I am so sick of knowing what he is doing and where he is I am at the end of my rope.

I feel for you, I know how it hurts. You need to ask yourself what do YOU want??, He left, he cannot make demands now. And yes do cut out any intimacy you do not want. If you want him back then You should probably do some couples counselling before he comes back.....and no matter what you should see a counselor for yourself. He needs one too..............<P>Winter stinks doesn't it??<P>Don't loose that good feeling about yourself that you had.....You lost the weight, you took care of things, you worked hard. Don't allow him to take that from you it is yours. <P>You have my prayers

Thank you gupsman,<P>I do go to counseling and it has helped with what I want to do, which is to reconcile. That cannot happen until he gets out of her apartment. I wish I could trust what he is say is the truth but am having a hard time doing that. We had a great marriage before he became unhappy in the past year and a half and I understand my part in the failure and it would be unjust of me to do otherwise. Has anyone ever been through something like this?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lostinny:<BR>[B]Thank you gupsman,<P>I do go to counseling and it has helped with what I want to do, which is to reconcile. That cannot happen until he gets out of her apartment.<P>Let me get this straight...he is living with the OW??<P> I wish I could trust what he is say is the truth but am having a hard time doing that. <P>It's too early for trust, don't fool yourself and don't let him pressure you. He is the one that has to work now.<P> We had a great marriage before he became unhappy in the past year and a half and I understand my part in the failure and it would be unjust of me to do otherwise.<P>What was your part?? that you got sick? that was not your fault, not your fault for the weight gain. Don't take the blame for it. When we get sick our partner should take care of us and understand, that is a reasonable expectation. IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY. That's normal. Most people would be angry. If my W had moved in with someone I would have thought it was over. I applaud your willingness to reconcile. Make sure you do it because you love this man and want him back in your life. It is not your responsibility to "help" him get out of a relationship. Maybe he is looking for you to give an ultimatum then he doesn't have to be the bad guy with OW. This is not your responsibility. He made the wine now he must drink it. <P> Stick to your guns, tough love.<BR>

Yes he is living with her. I even went to the apartment to talk to him. She was away(too bad). I had the thyroid problem 51/2 years ago and it took me along time to get over it. He was supportive up until 1 1/2 yrs ago. <P>By my part, I mean, I lost who I was when we were first married. I became a mother first and did not give much time to us. I missed that too. <P>Yes I do love hime because I see the man I once knew slowly comming to the serface. But I am on guard all the time.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gpsman:<BR><B>[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lostinny:<BR>[B]Thank you gupsman,<P>I do go to counseling and it has helped with what I want to do, which is to reconcile. That cannot happen until he gets out of her apartment.<P>Let me get this straight...he is living with the OW??<P> I wish I could trust what he is say is the truth but am having a hard time doing that. <P>It's too early for trust, don't fool yourself and don't let him pressure you. He is the one that has to work now.<P> We had a great marriage before he became unhappy in the past year and a half and I understand my part in the failure and it would be unjust of me to do otherwise.<P>What was your part?? that you got sick? that was not your fault, not your fault for the weight gain. Don't take the blame for it. When we get sick our partner should take care of us and understand, that is a reasonable expectation. IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY. That's normal. Most people would be angry. If my W had moved in with someone I would have thought it was over. I applaud your willingness to reconcile. Make sure you do it because you love this man and want him back in your life. It is not your responsibility to "help" him get out of a relationship. Maybe he is looking for you to give an ultimatum then he doesn't have to be the bad guy with OW. This is not your responsibility. He made the wine now he must drink it. <P> Stick to your guns, tough love.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Welcome <B>Lostinny</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>In your case, it has to be a "long distance" Plan A...<BR>...but is has been done (search out <B>lostva</B>'s posts in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A> forum... and even feel free to post a question or two to her!)<P>Focus on your ability to learn the MB skills...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A><P>Remember... Plan A is the implementation of the the first 2 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>.<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>