Just found out this week my wife of 8 years is committing adultery. Old high school friend. He just got out of Navy after 20 yrs, moved back here and my wife and he got onvolved. I loaded softwre on my PC to monitor her chats. The very next day, my suspicions were confirmed. Something was going on. I then tapped my phone line and within 24 hrs I had 2 hrs of calls on tape. What I heard sickened me. They both totally humiliated me and there was no sound of remorse in my wifes voice. She was only worried she might get caught. Well the next day, she found the recording device. She got the tape, but I had already hid 2 other tapes with the really damaging talk. I could go on and on and on, but Im not as angry as I thought I would be, I feel sorry for her that she would do tis to me and our little boy and girl ages 5 and 7. I would like keep the marriage. I have been trying so hard to make positive changes in my life over the last 4 months. Changes that she asked me to make. I never stood a chance with BF in the background. I will live my life for the day when she sees the true mistake she made. Even her own parents are aginst he and think I should get custody of the children. My wife denies anything is going on. Itis EXTREMELY evident on the tapes that she is.<P>She says I disgust her and it sickens her to look at me. Its pathetic because she knows I know. I wont reveal all I know to her. She says I am paranoid and really sick in the head, that I have alot of problems. Will this woman ever have remorse?? I saw a lawyer to day and filed for divorce, She will be served shortly. I still want it to work out. I have been going to counseling for our ,marriage for the last 5 weeks because it is so important that we save the marriage. She refuses to go and says she has no interest. It was during theses counseling sessions that the idea of her committing adultery was considered. <P>I am going for full custody of the kids and I want her out of here, but she says she is not going. I need to know if she has doubts in her heart about her actions. She doesnt answer. I am really sick over this. I barely have eaten all week. I went from 190lbs to 175 this week. I have absolutely no appetite. <P>Her parents have warned her that she is going to ruin her life. I wish she could see this. <BR>

I know! I myself suspected an affair between my husband and an ex-GF for several months and finally managed to discover some letters and cards they had exchanged. Personally, I think he wanted me to find them. My in-laws as well were completely supportive of ME instead of him, exhorting him to work things out and repair the marriage. At first, he would hear nothing of it, and I finally packed up my things, grabbed the baby, and took the truck to my parent's home. Things have changed recently. He now wants to try repair the marriage. I'm not sure if he's capable of making the drastic changes it would require to accomplish a healing in our relationship but I do love him enough to TRY.<P>Anyway, I replied to your post above as well, so I hope that my words here help you somewhat. Keep sharing your feelings. Talking to friends and family, and now coming here, has helped me feel much better. Take care!

<B>wcm</B>,<P>I didn't notice this post until later...<P>I personally feel you are moving <B>way</B> too fast on this for a number of reasons.<P>1. You say you'd like your marriage to work...<BR>...filing for divorce is very much against that goal...<BR>...it is the ultimate Love Buster!<P>2. Your anger (yes you do have it)... has over taken your reasoning...<BR>...it happens to all Faithful Spouses(FS) shortly after (and sometimes for extended periods) D-day!<P>3. You want custody...<BR>...since you're the "man" in this situation...<BR>...you need to bide some time!!!!!<BR>You are going to have to change your mindset on this and realize one very important fact of ALL DIVORCE laws...<BR>...The "adultery" will mean absolutely ZERO in "custody" proceedings!!!!<BR>...I repeat...<BR>...The "adultery" will mean absolutely ZERO in "custody" proceedings!!!!<BR>...The "adultery" will mean absolutely ZERO in "custody" proceedings!!!!<BR>...The "adultery" will mean absolutely ZERO in "custody" proceedings!!!!<BR>...The "adultery" will mean absolutely ZERO in "custody" proceedings!!!!<BR>...The "adultery" will mean absolutely ZERO in "custody" proceedings!!!!<BR>...The "adultery" will mean absolutely ZERO in "custody" proceedings!!!!<BR>...The "adultery" will mean absolutely ZERO in "custody" proceedings!!!!<BR>...and just one more time...<BR>...The "adultery" will mean absolutely ZERO in "custody" proceedings!!!!<P>If you can retract the divorce...<BR>...or at least hold back the "serving" of papers...<BR>...do so...<BR>...and contact your attorney ASAP!!!!<P>For you to have any chance for custody...<BR>...you to prove over a period of time...<BR>...that <B>you</B> are <B>the</B> acting custodial parent!<P>I don't know the details of how your are with your kids...<BR>...but this "custody" issue is a very very very difficult one...<BR>...and sad as it is... being a man puts you <B>way</B> behind the eight-ball!<P>I rarely recommend the site...<BR>...since it is so anti-marriage...<BR>...but if you want to learn more about what you need done for a custody battle (and unfortunately... it comes with this site... how to distroy your marriage)...<BR>...go to <A HREF="http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/" TARGET=_blank>Fathers Rights To Custody(FRTC)</A>.<P>Try and be discerning about the "negatives" they put on "marriage"...<BR>...there is so much hirt and hatred there...<BR>...they sometimes color the important things in life!<P>That being said...<BR>...please reconsider the divorce for a while!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

We had a bit of a flare up today. She was out all day. I took the kids to the Liberty Science Center. When she came home I was preparing BBQ for dinner. She looked at me when she came home and could see I was disgusted. We went outside and talked a little. I told her we are at a crossroad and I was not sure what was going to happen. I said to her if she has any doubt at all what she is doing, then lets get help. She said she has no doubts. She is hooping for a amicable divorce.<P>I told her if she wants to leave, then she leaves alone, not with the kids. She said "what do you mean?" I again said, "you leave alone". She got upset and said she is going to drive over to see her parents and let them know she wants their support in helping her get the children. I have told her I am going to seek full custody. Little does she know her parents are aware of whats going on and think she is about to destroy her life. They actually support me at this time to get custody should she not work it out with me. She spoke to her parents and was telling them about reasons she has lost it for me. (lost money in stock market, I bought a motercycle 2 yrs ago in liu of getting a new kitchen ( I regret that terribly) and she had a host of other complaints that are pretty trivial. Her father asked her if she is involved with another man....she said no. He asked her if she would put her hand over a bible and swear to it. He later told me she wouldnt. My father-in-law said she was crying because of her fear of losing the kids. <P>He told her that while I may have made some mistakes...he did not see anything that could warrant a divorce. <BR>He told her that she should work this out, that the kids are going to be scarred over this. He told her that we were once very in love and that we can get that love back again if we try. My wife really respects what her father says and she said she would be thinking about it.<P>As of now my wife completely denies the affair and I think she is convinced that she isnt having one, but the tapes tell it all. I am so heartbroken over this. I love my wife very much and I truly wish to work it out.

I'm sorry. Your pain and frustration must be so very intense. There are still days I want to scream at the top of my lungs, saying to God and sundry, "How could someone I love so much do something so cruel to me?!"<P>And it's frustrating, too, because you don't understand whether to be angry at her, want to lash out at her and hurt her like you're hurting, or whether you should be calm and patient as you wait for her to come to some kind of sense for just a bit. Long enough, at least, to realize that the union you have together shouldn't tossed aside like so much trash!<P>My own husband was like that. When I discovered the affair (after months of suspicion, really), I was very willing to discuss what it would take to "work through even this". But he was able to announce, even then, "We are getting a divorce". He seemed so unwilling to discuss ANYTHING about working on the marriage. God, that hurt so much!<P>I think you should continue trying hard to negotiate. Look up the articles here at MB about Plan A. It's real tough, being patient enough to handle the process of negotiation that a Plan A calls for, believe me. I worked, instinctively, for months to negotiate this situation with my husband, and then finally had to adopt a Plan B briefly. It worked but the risk was immense and so painful for me it's not even funny. I truly thought my marriage was over, but hubby has worked hard these past couple of weeks to convince me he's willing to work on this marriage of ours.<P>Take this time to figure out what it is YOU really want out of this situation. And, please, good luck!

PLEASE listen to the advice you are getting from these posts. I have been talking to someone incredible on this forum, and I am going to ask him to read over your thoughts and give you his 'husband's view' of what you are going through. Also, read over anything you can get your hands on from the Harleys, because it has helped me beyond words.<P>My husband also will not admit to me what has happened, but I don't have nearly the evidence that you have and personally I don't want to know all those details. It is ugly enough without that torture. I am treating this situation as very fragile and precious to me, and am protecting this marriage almost to the opposite extreme of what you are doing. Please retract that divorce, tell her how much you love her, and let her work through this addictive affair. Stats say it will be over in app. six months, can you give her a little time to get back on track.<P>Don't say things that you will regret forever. My sister and sister-in-law urged me to attack my husband with this and Make Him Suffer!! I knew in my heart that was bad advice, so I talked to my pastor. He prayed with me, and then all he said was 'Love this man with all your heart'. I know in the long run that I will be proud of my actions, no matter what.<P>Please take care of yourself and your family. I will be praying for you.

I have to agree with most of the advice you are getting here. Striking back will make matters worse. I do think it's important to consider one other thing though: You seem to have strong evidence of an affair. In addition, your W seems to be in denial. Consider showing her the evidence you have. No doubt that has a down side and hopefully others will share their experiences and wisdom on that issue as well, but just maybe she's very 'down' and this deep, dark secret relationship is giving her a haven. Exposed, she will have to deal with it on 'reality' terms. It can't be done with malice, but in the spirit of being honest with her about what you have done to gather this evidence and to let her know that you really do know and that she no longer has anything to gain by denying. VERY difficult situation, but I believe something to consider...<P>Stay strong, loving, and understanding.<P><BR>

Hi, wcm.<P>I am a WS about 3 mos plus into recovery. D-day was Feb 15. So while I know you may not want to hear from a person like me, I risk reaching out.<P>I don't know if you believe in God or not and am not here to convert you. I'd like you to read porkandbeans poem from Poems..I think it's called "I just wrote this" and it's from March 10 of this year. You will find my reply there.<P>I cannot believe that I myself turned into such an adept liar but I had begun lying to myself (with persuasion of OM and my own stupidity) I pray your wife will leave Om and come to you.<P>In my case, H amazing was able to forgive me immediately (he still had and sometimes has a few things to resolve but things are going good). I think H was so mad while he suspected the EA (which I despicably let happen under his nose in our house and at church when Om "helped" me) that he could forgive me. He actually said, He had his old girl back and was relieved to hear me finally tell the truth as much as it ripped his heart out. (my paraphrase-I think his words as much as it hurt)<P>Anyway, I agree with those who want you to try and take some time. If you want the marriage, don't let her go by surrendering her to OM and divorcing. Give things a chance. It sounds like some people here wait a long time. <P>Before my own A, I could never understand H's best friend telling him that when he had an A, what he really wanted was for his wife to get mad and fight to win him back. When I got trapped in the A, that's exactly what I wanted. I gave up when I asked H to go for counselling (before confessing--a couple months before) and he just laughed and said we were fine. I thought, Oh, my Lord, he wants me to have this A. At that point he didn't really think much was happening. I was stupid not to answer honestly when he confronted me and not to tell him why I really wanted the counselling. <P>I know you can't convince your W of all this but if she is willing to confess, maybe she will be able to read this and find a healed life as I am finding now. She is one blessed lady to have a H who continues to love her.<P>Sometimes I shy away from writing BS's as they trash WS's alot--understandably in anger I suppose. But I really have to tell the BS's who want their spouse back and work so hard to win them how much I admire them. It takes a ton of courage to forgive and risk rebuilding or perhaps for the first time building loving relationships. You people are heroes.<P>My heart goes out to those who lose spouses but again I see their courage to find a new life and understand themselves better, too.<P>Take care and never give up hope, my friend.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Thanks to all for your input. Today my wife did not go to church with me and the children. When I came home she was oustide planting flowers. Still has not admitted afair to me. She is still sleeping in our bed with me, but way over the other side and with her back to me. She is not speaking to me to any great degree, just asking for household money. Thats another thing, she works two days per week and is with the kids the rest of the time. I have always been generous with her, I just cant see how I can keep giving her money other than money for gas and groceries. <P>She goes through money like water. What should I do? I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I just do not feel good giving her anything. I mean here she is, having sex with another man and I do everything and lose my wife. WHy should he get the sexual favor from my wife and I get stuck paying the bills with no one to love me.

Time to set up a family budget...<BR>...and record <B>all</B> expenses... <B>your expenses too</B>!<P> <P>Jim

[QUOTE]Originally posted by tere38:<BR>[B]PLEASE listen to the advice you are getting from these posts. I have been talking to someone incredible on this forum, and I am going to ask him to read over your thoughts and give you his 'husband's view' of what you are going through. <P><BR>WCM.......<P><BR>Tere38 asked me to look at what you have going on.....<BR>It looks like she up to her neck in it. It too me two months before I got enough prrof to force an admission. Be ready when you get it. if you get it. It hurts badly. As a man I never thought I could be hurt so deeply. Your anger is a secondary emotion. You are angry because you have been hurt and betrayed. <P>I can't say this enough to anyone going through this. Get counseling, Clergy is OK but they are not Psychologists, Get some for yourself....it will help you immeasurably to deal with what you are feeling. Don't move toward divorce just yet. Don't let the resentment rule you, it is so easy to do that. Find out if she wants to get into couples counselling. If you truly want to reconcile and keep the marriage you need to muster the strength to try and understand what has happened, to look within first. I keep saying and it is true that EA's are symptoms of a larger problem. What was it in your marriage that caused her to stray. Women have affairs, usually but not always, because of self esteem issues, needing to feel appreciated, valued and needed. Needing to feel something other than nothing inside. Please understand this. You did nothing to cause her actions, she is responsible for that. But.........think about how YOU have been in the relationship. WCM the best thing for you to do now is get some proffesional help, see if she is up to couples counselling, You know,...my wife told me that everything she was feeling with the OM she wanted to feel with me. Youu have to understand the why.<P>I would not seek divorce yet, you two may need some time apart, I'm sure there is tension every day. You need to let her know what you are feeling, Honestly and no holds barred, tell her the hurt she is causing you, the anger, the dissapointment. AND try to be non-threatening you want her to listen and not be angry, you want her to HEAR you.<P>As for not admitting it, most betrayers are ashamed of what they've done, sometimes it equals the pain you're having, thay have tremendous guilt over what they have caused, Pain, sorrow, dissapointment and anger, especially if there are children involved. She may be afraid of your reaction to it, do you generally get angered quickly??<P>Last thing for now. Have patience I know it is brutally difficult to do, you are so early into this. It will take the better part of a year or more to begin to put this back together. You are in for a very rough ride my freind. Take the advice of these fine people here. Everyone is screaming don't give up to you.......<P>I know it hurts, I've been there, I'm still there now and then. But now even with the pain that comes up my relationship with my W is better than it ever was, it is becomming what I always hoped it would be........<P>You have my prayers<P>

We still slept in the same bed last night, however she is all the way at the edge of our king size bed with her back to me. She is not talking to me. I read one of the emails she sent out yesterday to one of her girlfriends. She is all excited about going to see U2 in June. Not a bit of concern did she express to her friend about her situation. Just said she cant wait to see U2. <P>I found out about this affair last Weds. She found the telephone recording equipment on Thurs, so she knows I know. She still will not admit it. Is this normal? How long is she going to go on like this or think she can go on like this? I cant leave because it would mean walking out on my children. I will not leave them with her. She wont leave either. My pastor seems to feel that the marriage is probably over now and that I have every right to divorce her. He seems to feel her denial and lack of remorse at getting caught are not indicative of any reconciliation taking place. I am praying so hard for the Lord to change her perspective on what she is doing. To somehow remove this other man from the picture. <P>I have tried so hard these last few months to change the faults I had. My wife and he discuss this on the tape. She acknowledges that I have changed, but I am overdoing it and it seems fake. She fely smothered. Now I know why. She had no desire for me at all as a man. He tells her that the changes I made are just temporary and that there is just too much for me to change to make it last....he says I will never be able to keep it up. She told him that "he has been praying so hard for God to help him and our marriage" the other man makes some disparraging remark and she said "yeah, but you dont know the power of prayer" Then she said "well, he's not perfect". Somehow for an instant I heard a woman who believe's I may really slavage this marriage.<P>The 2 hours of telephone recording I have basically revolve around me and her and the OM. Their sexual activity is discussed briefly. He tells her it took 2 washings to clean his sheets and blankets. he says " we made a big mess" and he says "I can still smell you on my blankets". I think I am doomed but I know Christ can heal this marriage and open her heart and mind. <P>Soembody tell me ....how long is this going ot drag on. I asked her to leave and she wont. I just cannot allow this to continue.

It sounds to me that you really don't want to get divorced. My wife described the time she was after OM as being in a fog, not acting in a right frame of mind, not herself. OK now listen, I know the power of the lord, I know the power of prayer, I have heard his voice when Iwas in Pain. Remember that god helps those that help themselves. PLEASE make an appointment to see a counselor, this will let her know for sure that you are not faking that you will not be the way you were. I can tell you and I'm sure the rest here will concur that I'm a little concerned about your pastor's suggestion that it is over. Your W sounds like she is not inreality. Understand that EA's revolve around a fantasy sometimes. In order to justify the relationship she must tell herself that your efforts are insincere, the OM wanting to keep her will tell her every bad thing he can think of to lower her opinion of you. Is he married? How available is he to her for a long term relationship?? Perhaps you can try not to obsess too much right now on an admission. Also ask her point blank what she wants, gently. you can't know what to do if you don't know her intentions.<BR>Does she want a divorce?<P>Your employer should have an employee assistance program that will pay for any counselling you need, if not most insurance companies will pay for some visits. There is no shame in seeking help this way, it actually takes courage. <P>PLEASE help yourself first and foremost. You are in for so much emotion no matter what happens, for yourself and your children get a backup, get with someone who specializes in this. It's normal to place your self worth in what your spouse thinks about you, or is willing to do for you, it should not, however be the only measure of ones self. That comes from within and as this goes along it will be a struggle to keep your self esteem. <P>Getting help is for YOU, to aid YOU, to make YOU better able to handle this. Part of what Betrayers get from this IS the pain they cause, if she feels that you have mistreated her in your marriage this is a way to ge even. it's not until they emerge from the fog they're in can they see the damage they cause and feel guilty and ashamed and seek forgiveness.<P>If your thinking I can't believe this is my W acting this way, that I never imagined she could do this, then she is probably lost in that mental/emotional fog.<P>My email unomewellus@yahoo.com<P>

WCM:<BR>You're are getting some good advice here and these people really care. Please reconsider divorce. It sounds like you still love your W. That is what matters to start with. <P>I have been in this situation for 7 months. It seems to be finally getting better for us. My W still refuses to admit very much. I have long thought it would be more for her benefit and the marriage than for mine alone. I had and continue to have a mountain of proof. I'm finally to the point where it doesn't matter. Try and figure out what she's been missing (EN's). I waited until she could see I was totally committed to saving our marriage. I think they need to feel "safe" before they'll tell you anything regarding the A. <P>Try to focus on other activities that will relieve your stress and anger. Exercise is one of the best things I've found. Develop and impliment a plan for self-improvement (Plan A). I can relate to the resentment and betrayal you are feeling...I considered myself a model husband (before the A). Mainly, it was pampering. Although I'm not convinced my story is gonna have a happy ending, we both have grown from the experience. Learn all you can here and good luck. A marriage is worth fighting for...even if you feel YOU'RE doing all the work. Usually, the BS is in a better frame of mind to do this. Don't expect immediate results. Be in it for the Long Term.

I told the lawyer to hold off on the divorce. <BR>As hurt as I am, I believe that the Lord our Savior can and is intervening in our lives. I do not want to divorce her. I want nothing more than to reconcile and to take the necesary measures that will insure that this wont happen again. I realize that I have not been meeting her emotional needs. I have to shoulder some of the responsibilty for this, but she must also take responsibility for her actions. I pray every day that the Holy Spirit intervenes in this crisis. I know it is happening. I will not allow this to destroy our family. My wife is a God fearing woman. She prayed for 2 yrs that I would make changes in our relationship. I was so consumed by my work and making money. I really lost perspective. By the time I really started to actively change, I guess she had crossed the line by then and my efforts were not relevant. <P>I trust and truly believe that the Lord will heal our marriage. I will continue to give it my all, but I need for her to be honest with me. From what I have been able to ascertain, many marriages that go through this can and do survive and go on to become stronger than ever. I will fight for this result in our marriage.

[Glad to hear that you called the dogs off.<BR>yes understand what part you played, and yes let her bear the burden of reponsibility for everything else. You know, If you weren't meeting her needs did she tell you? Did you know that she was praying every day, did she tell you that she was afraid the marriage was falling apart. Did she communicate with you and you did not hear it for some reason, I say this because it takes two people to meet needs we are not mind readers and if things were bad for her she needed to tell you, with emotion, with passion, with honesty and feeling. Its the things you hear this way that you remeber. That sink in, that bring your own emotions up...........<P>Play hardball, keep praying, stand up and get in the game, it's got to be tough love now........know what I mean??<P>will talk later

Yes. I do bear resp. for not listening to her. I knew she was not always happy. It seemed to come and go. I was too absorbed in building my carreer to listen intently. I was tired when I came home. I was talked out. She seems to think what I do for a living is easy. (I invest money for people). It is very stressful, demanding and draining. And the last 15 months in my business has been a nightmare. I really feel like I began to wake up and realize that my wife and family are really THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. How trivial money and business can be, for without a happy and healthy family the rest of life is meaningless. <P>There were days when I was unhappy with the marriage, but for me the good outweighed the bad by far. I never have been one to dwell on the bad things. I find it easy to forgive and forget. My wife does not and she dwells more on what is wrong rather than what is right. We have 2 beautiful children. I would give my life for them in an instant. Their future is at stake here as well and I cannot in good conscience give up without fighting for what I believe in. I know the Lord and the Holy Spirit are with me in this. It is what is righteous. To give in would be to let evil win. <P>I have been trying to spend less time at work and more time with my family. My wife has been very distant and wanting to spend time doing her "thing". Now I know why. I'm trying to put her needs and my childrens needs before my own. Im trying to do the things around the house that she likes to see me do without nagging me. Im trying to take a more active role with my childrens school. I have felt a much closer relationship with the Lord. I felt good making the effort as I knew how important it was. Of course my wife was repullsed and felt smothered, she had allowed herself to fall into this situation and my efforts were interfering with her and his agenda. <P>I pray the Lord, Jesus Christ, gives me the strength and wisdom to know what to do. I pray for my wife that the Lord lets her see what is right and true. I ask the Lords forgiveness for my failings as a father and a husband and the He may bless me with a forgiving heart, a deeper understanding of my wifes needs, the ability to grow as a father and to grant me the qualities needed to be a good Christian man,husband and father. I pray for patience and a sense of calmness in our lives. The power of prayer cannot be denied. <BR>

Hello, wcm<P>QUOTE:<BR>[I pray the Lord, Jesus Christ, gives me the strength and wisdom to know what to do. I pray for my wife that the Lord lets her see what is right and true. I ask the Lords forgiveness for my failings as a father and a husband and the He may bless me with a forgiving heart, a deeper understanding of my wifes needs, the ability to grow as a father and to grant me the qualities needed to be a good Christian man,husband and father. I pray for patience and a sense of calmness in our lives. The power of prayer cannot be denied.]End Quote <P><BR>I have been reading upon your story and was about to offer you advice, but you said it all in the last paragraph of your last post. I do believe with this attitude, you will overcome these difficulties.<P>May God bless you and your family as you struggle through this particular time of trial. You are in my prayers.<P>A born-again believer.<P><P>------------------<BR>CPL

WCM,<P>Hang in there, she is getting pressure from a side she did not want I'm sure. Remeber my friend it's darkest before the dawn, keep your faith and stay strong. Remain loving and kind, stay away from bitter comments or remarks, let her know all you want is to be her husband again, to love and cherish her, you cannot control her or anyone else but you can control yourself so do that. All you can do is let her know what is in your heart.<BR>\<BR>You have a good heart WCM, I can tell that, she will see it, she is still in the fog, the fantasy, still addicted.<P>It will end and if she is lucky you will be there when it does.<P>regards<P>Fred

wcm,<P>I've been reading your story. You're a very strong guy. Hang in there. These things takes time. Patience is a virtue and you need it now.<P>Stop thinging about the OM. It's hard but it's the right thing to do. Think about what a great man llike Jesus would do: he'd be the better person. Try and be the best friend to her you can be. Don't bring up any of the affair business. If she wants to fine. Try to get her to go to counsiling, but she's got to want to do it. Remember you can't force her to do anything, but you can influence her decisions.<P>You did what I did when I found out about my wife's affair. You chased her, you tried to find out everything you could about the affair, and the other guy. The best advise I've gotten was DON'T CHASE HER! The only way she'll leave that guy is if she starts chasing you. Sounds contrarian, but it's been 2 weeks for me and the tide has turned. <P>I'm no success story yet, but it's amazing what can happen. You need to first start focusing on yourself. Have fun. Sounds impossible, but laughter really does help cure. Take time with the kids, take time to see your friends. And take time to start seeing other women socially. This sounds rediculous, but think about it. She wasn't really worried about losing you, so she hasn't done anything to change her current behavior. You on the other hand recognized that this could be thend of your marriage, you world. You started to react at lightning speed. Once she feels she could lose you, she'll change. If she really wanted this other guy, she'd be gone. Instead she's giving you the run around. <P>Check out David Burns book "Intamate Connections", chapter 8. He has a great stratgy for dealing with your W. Basically to turn on your heals and walk in the other direction. Human nature dictates she'll want to know what you're up to and chase you. Then, and ONLY then, will she go to therapy so you guys can really work these issues out. Also check out <A HREF="http://www.stopyourdivorce.com" TARGET=_blank>www.stopyourdivorce.com</A> Homer MacDonald is great!<P>A little bit about my story. My wife and I haven't had sex in 4 years since we concieved our now 3 yr old son. I've got issues with avoiding conflict, and not treuly accepting her. She doesn't want to let anyone get too close and hurt her like her dad I suspect did. (He divorced her mom when she was 11, and never supported her, nor did her leave her anything in his will.) Things have been strained, but I still though deep down we still loved one another. In mid March she told me she didn't love me anymore.<P>I don't know the extent of the affair, don't know if there was sex or not, but she's been carrying on with this guy since late december. There were over 40 hours (not minutes, HRS) of phone calls (both cell & land line) in april alone. She only admits to having a "friend" or "confidant", because she a deep emotional need. She didn't like when I used the word affair. Every time I confronted her, she'd try and turn it around on me. Every time I confronted her, I pushed her farther away from me. <P>I lost my job on May 1st, then I found out on May 6th. I saw a guy running in our backyard at 1:45 AM when I woke to get some water. My wife "fell asleep" downstair, but the TV wasn't on and nothing seemd "right". I looked at her cell phone and started my search at her phone calls. I look back over the internet log. She been looking him up back in Feb. She also looked up divorce, speration and child custody. She look-up RU-486 the abortion pill and a local abortion clinic recently - Yikes!<P>I was an emotional train wreck for 3 weeks. I lost 15 lbs (I'm 6' and weighed 175, I got down to 158, but I'm back to 165) and I couldn't sleep. I've been seeing a therapist. It has been a great refuge. I tried to get my wife to go with me, but she sort of tried and then gave up - she wasn't ready.<P>So Memorial Day I told her "I prefer to work things out, but since you really want to explore these friendships, why don't you move out for a couple of months and figure things out." That took her back a couple of steps and it put me in the drivers seat. I'm sleeping and eating again. I'm going out with friends. She's not going to move out, and we're going to wait until I get a job before she takes the next step.<P>I've checked the internet again, now she's going thru my cell phone, looking up phone calls I make and checking out Homer MacDonald form "Stop the Divorce". This is producing the effect of her looking after me instead of divorce.net. <P>She's still sleeping down stairs and we've haven't said anything to the kids yet, but they know - kids always know.<P>Good luck wcm<P>------------------<BR>