As a man I would like to confront the man my wife is commiting adultery with. I somehow really feel it is necesary. Im not sure what to do. It may drive my wife even further away. I am also afraid of getting in troule with the law. I have to think about my little children. Has any men here confronted their wife's lover anf what resulted.

Well, I am not a man, but I have been betrayed and understand how you feel. Believe me, since discovering my husband's affair, there hasn't been a day in which I haven't considered what I would say to the OW if I had a chance. Once, I even sat down and wrote her a letter describing what I thought about her, but I never sent it. I just tucked it away in my journal.<P>See, what I figured was that here was a person who truly didn't know me at all. I'm sure my husband has told her as many lies about ME as he's told me about HER. I have absolutely no respect for her at all, but I feel it's beneath my dignity to let her know how much her actions have worked to hurt me. I know that my distress would please her, since my husband admitted she hated ME (OW is an Ex-Gf of the hubby's who blames me for "making" him marry me). So, sending her any kind of letter, or calling her, would only prove to her that she had succeeded in causing me incredible pain.<P>My husband has worked hard recently to demonstrate he is willing to work on repairing the damage he's caused to our marriage. Still, when I first discovered the affair, he told me he was considering leaving me for this other woman. Apparently, he had gone so far as to ask her to marry him prior to telling me he wanted a divorce!<P>While that has changed now, I was very angry at first and bitterly gave him my blessing to marry her. I KNOW that any relationship he attempted to have with her would be irrevocably doomed because of their affair. SHE would never trust him, and with good reason. And both of them were terribly troubled with issues that needed serious attention in a counselor's office (that's one of the things I am pressing him for now before I consider returning to him). I figured that within a year of trying to have some kind of committed relationship, he'd be cheating on HER and she'd be right where I am now, although she doesn't have a tenth of the strength of character God has blessed me with. She'd be destroyed and he'd be miserable, and I had to do nothing but give both of them what they wanted...each other.<P>Now, hubby is asking for another chance. Scared as I am, I will most probably do everything I can to save my marriage. My husband has agreed to counseling, to ending the relationship with the OW completely (no contact), and to being honest with me in the future. We'll see.<P>WCM, I hope you can come to terms with the pain this experience has brought you. Just remember that the pain of an affair reaches all around, eventually encompassing even the people having the affair. There is little punishment I could bring to my husband's OW which will begin to equal the pain she's brought on herself already. An illicit affair is NO way to enjoy a relationship. Based on lies, it is almost certainly going to fail, and when it does the cheaters themselves are the ones who pay the most.<P>Good luck.

Oh, BTW, I figure that eventually I'll get a chance to have my say. But right now, my feelings of pain and hurt are so intense I am afraid of what a confrontation with this woman would cause. Violence? Perhaps, and that is nothing I need or want in my life right now. I have small children, too.<P>Take some time to come to terms with your own pain. Eventually, you'll be able to let this guy know what you think about all of this, but right now may not be the time you want to spend "confronting" him, since most of your hurt, I'm sure, will be expressed in anger and perhaps violence.

wcm<BR>I am the bs and it is usually highly recommended that you don't confront the op, most situations are very explosive and you don't want to add fuel to the fire, but I was very fortunate in my situation and I did confront the ow with my H by my side. He was very ashamed and disgusted with himself because of the fact that he made some very bad decisions and was truly sorry for the pain he caused me. <P>This is how we did it..........<BR> We belonged to an organization and my H and the 'crotch cricket' were both officers. We went to the club because I told my H that it was either the club or me and he didn't even think twice. He immediately wrote up his resignation and handed it to the Official. The official then said that he would be a mediator because I told him I wanted to confront her. As luck would have it she just happened to be there at the time and I said if this is behavior unbecoming and officer and my H is resigning, then she should also. He agreed, she did the same thing. She was called into the room and that is when I gave it to her. She walked in and I tore her to pieces verbally. I told her exactly what I thought of her and she had the audacity to say "I don't know what you're talking about" my H almost dropped, it was a real eye opener for him because she had nothing to lose and he had a 25 yr. marriage and 4 kids....everything. He even said to her "I told her M******" But she denied it again and said "I don't have to stay here and listen to this." It was very therapeutic for me because he got to see just exactly how unimportant he was to her. He risked a 25 yr marriage for a 15 month affair, and she denied him right to his face. He came out of the 'fog' real quick. It actually made him feel even worse because he discovered that he meant NOTHING to her except sex and he took the chance of losing everything for a whore. It also made me feel good to let her know exactly what I thought about her and what everyone else always said about her was the truth. That she was a crotch cricket. So be very careful. If you have a safety net where there is a mediator, I would say go for it. But if not, then maybe you should wait and cool down.<BR>Good luck and GOD Bless.

The unambiguous answer is NO!<P>(for the result was not good at all!)<P>Check out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008631.html" TARGET=_blank>Anyone care to talk me out of this?</A>…..AGoodGuy….4/30/2001<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>