Just wanted to post something a little positive. My DDay was on March 6th. H and I have done lots of reading...His Needs, Her Needs, Surving the Affair, Infidelity, and currently am reading After the Affair. It helps to read and is much better when the H reads them too. He is trying to show me that he wants our marriage to work. He has been totally Open and Honest. Answering all my questions about the A with OW and sometimes the answers "Hurt" but he warns me that I won't like the answer so I can prepare myself. By his answering the questions of the A honestly it is allowing me to move forward in our relationship. He is trying so hard. He is so sorry for the A!! For the first time in 17 years of marriage, I've never seen my H cry more!! He is hurting I believe too!! <P>I never thought I would start to feel good again but I AM!!!<BR>I'm making time for ME,,,,something I never did before. Remember, you the BS are important!!! So nurture yourself....give yourself the time you need to feel better.<BR>My H knows my self-esteem was in the toilet when he disclosed the A....now he realizes he has alot of building up to do and so do I!!!<P>I'm beginning to see that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel......so for now we're still trying to move through the tunnel, but it's not as dark as it was!!!!<P>STAY STRONG.....<P>Shocker 17

Hi!<P>So glad you are working on things and it sounds like you are progressing. Is the book After the Affair also by Dr. Harley? I'd like to get my hands on that one! <P>I am a WS. H was so awesome to me with gracious forgiveness and humbling gladness that I finally saw the light, told the truth and cut off all contact with OM. We thought our marriage was strong but now, not due to the affair but the wake-up call it was for both of us and due to God, we have a much better marriage.<P>Be patient with your WS..sounds like you are a wonderful support even in the pain. My H's support helped me to eventually forgive myself..it took a long time to get to that place for me and still as we deal with consequences, I often blurt out, Oh, it's all my fault or the like. I felt such shame and sometimes still do when H wanted to make love--I didn't consummate the EA but it was really physical-as I felt/sometimes feel so unworthy.<P>You are doing the right things. If you can find a safe way/place to do it, you should make sure you find an outlet to vent your own anger away from H. As a WS, my Counselor suggested I needed to do this myself. We decided the ladies' gym I attend (far too little) would be my venue...I have had trouble getting any trainers to help and don't really want to disclose why I wanted help so decided for this unfit slightly overweight gal, the best thing for me is to do the treadmill for 20 min solid (unless I get dizzy and need a water break) and then pedal the bike for 20 min. solid. It terrified me the first time but then it began to release things emotionally and physically.<P>I am not much further ahead of you, as d-day was Feb 15 for us. So glad you are choosing to improve your relationship.<P> Keep encouraging others and letting others help you. Keep loving H and taking care of yourself, too. I wish my H would give himself more room to vent (apart from me--he keeps things in as he doesn't want to hurt me) and pamper himself more. I am realizing how selfish I have been and that I must reach out and make relaxing moments available for him.<P>As you advised BSs, you also stay strong. Celebrate that you are finding forgiveness toward your H and restored dignity for yourself. Wishing you every success!!!<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Glad to hear we are both feeling better. There really is hope for those out there who still feel like there isn't, and I know I did for a while. Prozac helped me more than pampering, that and time and a truly repentant husband. Thank God the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train, right? (chuckle)

Freshstart:<P>In answer to your questions the book "After the Affair"<BR>is by Janis Spring. It's an excellent book and easy to read and is very helpful. <P>Good luck. I have a question. You said you had an EA without "sex"...... Not to get personal...but what was it<BR>about the A that attracted you to it...was it the "Communication"....Just curious.. My H claims it was<BR>the Communication he was needing!!<P>Anways...take care and I think you've got a great H....<BR>and stay strong!!<P>Shocker17

Hey, Shocker17!<P>I am not quite sure how to explain my A as it was more emotional but quite physical. Maybe I am wrong to say we didn't have sex because we did everything leading up to it but as strange as it sounds, I couldn't let myself cross THAT line. The reason? Because I REALLY did love H and even tho' I was hurting him, couldn't take the betrayal to that point.<P>OM targeted me by his own admission. He even told me he saw I was lonely and vulnerable and decided to take advantage. This confession from him happened during A and stupidly did not evoke any anger in me. Afterward, I was rip-roarin' mad about it. Mostly I hated myself and couldn't even get that angry at OM at first. As a minister, I thought I would make everyone choose hell by my foolishness and betrayal of them.<P>Surprisingly, to me anyway, likely 95-98% of our congregation forgave me and didn't even want to know what I'd done. They were mad at themselves for not seeing I was in peril and furious that OM had such influence.<P>Why did I want the emotional side? OM was so smart about this. You see the "Preface" of my story is that H was diagnosed with thryoid cancer in Oct 99. One week after diagnosis, he had a thyroidectomy and cancer was confirmed. In our particular denomination, we are famous for our work at Christmas and as for any church, it is a hectic time.<P>Dr told H worst-case scenario so here we were trying to make Christmas for everyone else while H recovered scared to death literally. We had a lesser scare a couple years before thinking a polyp was stomach cancer. At that time, I grieved and wondered how I could survive without a H and two kids to care for. <P>I don't think of myself as a knockout or anything but I am very kind and tenderhearted and give my heart away way too much. I must be attractive as I do get noticed without trying. So here I was so vulnerable and knowing H would face 34 radiation sessions from Jan to March. He lost his voice since his throat was radiated and he lost the hair just at the end of his hairline. He didn't want to look "mangy" so he got his head shaved. That actually was a very special moment as I watched our hairdresser shave it and tried hard not to cry and just loved on H.<P>Anyway, H told me he felt 3 certain men were lined up waiting for him to die and thinking they could win me. He was wrong about one. We (Bob, H and me) are best friends with him. B was "round one"...one day at a church function he slipped his arm around my waist. Boy, that felt nice to a 36 yr old woman having a handsome 30 yr old put a move on. But then I knew that was wrong. Still I confided way too much in this guy. I think it was very much one-sided on my part. I emailed him far too much with too much info.<P>well, I recognized what was happening--that I too had a crush on B so my desperately lonely 39 yr old got invited to my house to meet Mr. Right. Guess what? They are happily married since Dec 2000!<P>Enter R...OM. B and R and bob all worked at our church's outreach mission and were insanely jealous of each other and wanted to be special to H and I. R apparently set sights on me at a Christmas visit to a nursing home. I thought nothing of he and another guy making me giggle as it was a joyous occasion. R got really jealous of B over another issue so he stopped attending church. I emailed him (again internet stuff) and shared that I suffered from depression and had a time in my life of not wanting to face people. I explained our side of the situation with B. So, I became a hero to R.<P>He was only too willing to help in any way but contact was limited and I was oblivious till he came to 2 camps to work for a weekend while I attended both camps. oopss..let's go for a walk together. No touching but when it got cold, here's my jacket. Hilarious and fun to be with. <P>Well, H was still fatigued and libido kind of low. H is not one to share his thoughts readily when it comes to relationship (or was not, I should say) I fought with H about going for walk in a park with R and he was mad. I got mad as I had to be so independent during his radiation and thought he was just trying to rob me of making a decision. H is older and wiser and saw what was coming but I didn't listen.<P>So OM starts with,,,you deserve to be loved. I will listen. I'm here for you. After these walks, the hugs were alittle too long and scared me. Did I stop? No. <P>The hugs were nice and for me having been so shy around boys as a young girl, this was awesome to have a best friend who was a guy, I thought. I forgot that H and I were best friends and H really needed me. I got sick and tired of taking care of everyone else and selfishly chose wrong things.<P>Soon it was you deserve better treatment...OM just happened to be around when H was away and upsetting news arrived. <P>Even the affection started out wrong. He gave me a little peck on the lips before we went on holidays. He housesat. We came home from camping and he stayed with us still as we were going off again and he was housesitting. I thought I was just being nice letting him enjoy the huge house instead of his dingy boarding room. (I am not a snob but why did I get mixed up with a former street person? A smoker when I detest smoke--sorry to smokers. A man who looked a lot like the boy that molested me when I was 9? A man who lived in a hostel type situation?) <P>So, on the first night home, I stupidly came downstairs while he checked his email, and he grabbed me, started kissing me really hard and backed me up to the wall, etc. I tried to get away. I was terrified and knew I should tell him to leave or make H kick him out.<P>Next am, he apologized profusely and I said it was OK and never told and BOOM..Freshstart the powerless was under OM's control. For several months, it stayed at hugging and kissing. I felt guilty but not as much as I thought I would.<BR>Then I realized i was getting away with it and he started doing other things and I let him. Sometimes it hurt. Toward the end, I realized he looked like former abuser and touched me in similar painful ways. I saw his lies. And mine. <P>I discovered on cutting off all contact, he never did care for me. I even knew during A he was involved with other women. I was so silly I tried to push him together with this new mutual friend of ours thinking they would have a fairytale wedding and life and I could get mine back without anyone else finding out. <P>As you can see, it's a long story. I just needed attention. I had an overactive libido and having been Miss Goody 2Shoes forever and a day, sort of enjoyed getting away with it for awhile.<P>I did try constantly to end it and he would say yes and then start touching immediately and I couldn't seem to resist. Then I felt trapped.<P>He was just always there, and so tall and gentle with his touch (most of the time), he was very good at knowing what a woman wants, and at first seemed to find creative romantic things to say. At the end he just repeated lines.<BR>H and I understandably began to have trouble in our lovelife. OM was ready, willing and more than able.<P>You know, I am getting so much better these days. I couldn't do posts like these till the past week or so. God is lifting my burdens and my shame is almost gone..I think there will always be some to remind me not to make this mistake again. Now I can talk about things and it's helping. I feel greedy almost to help anyone I can by sharing and hopefully more often encouraging.<P>sorry my answer is so long and rambly. Most of mine are! But I can be brief, too <P>I hope I gave you some insight but it's different for every WS, I think. There are a ton of similarities at the same time. Finding courage to deal with my own ugliness inside and seeking God to take it and replace it with His perfect love are the key for me in recovery. <P>ScaredinNY, my H went on Zolof...it erased his ability to cry and feel a lot of bad stuff. He is still on it. At first I wanted to change brands (suffered from depression for 14 years..just now getting healed) so I could have my feelings wiped out. It has kept H from losing control and to cope with a lot of hardship. I rejoice to know it's only a temporary measure for now but had come to my own acceptance that i would remain on antidepressants for my whole life even before A. Now I think I may be off them in the near future but will seek the doc's advice, of course.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start