My d-day was May 4, hours before my husband of 6 years and I were to leave for a business trip out of state I had scheduled for months. I got a knock on the door and here it was "her" husband" saying he just saw them at some little secluded park. Come to find out, it's been going on for 2-1/2 years. (She's been married for 2) They have done so much together, cards, gifts, overnites when I thought he was at work, wedding plans, looked at houses, etc. They say they love each other very much. BUT....he has committed to me to try and save our marriage. I think I can forgive him, but I just don't understand how he could do this to me. I know we've had problems, but I never stopped loving him. What's worse, is that her and her H were friends of ours. I can't get over the betrayal right now. I want to work it out too, but I think about HER all the time...They were everywhere together..in our bed, in their bed, in all our vehicles, etc. etc. etc. Everything I thought was intimate and personal between him and I, he has shared with her. Is there any hope for reconcilation???

Yes, yes there is hope if you love him. I found my clues about the time you found out, so we are in this together. Read everything you can get your eyes on from the Harleys today, and order 'Surviving an Affair' if you haven't already. They will ship it to you pronto, I ordered mine on Saturday and had it on Tuesday. The book is amazing, and it follows a worst case senario with strong emotional attachment, which sounds where you are. The people on this forum have been so helpful, you need to talk to people who have been there. Reflect on where your marriage has been in the past few years, it was a wake-up call for me. If you don't pray daily, consider starting. I have my best days when I wake up and ask God for the strength to survive. He always comes through for me. I'll pray for you this morning, and I'll keep you on my mind all day. Take care of yourself.

There is hope, but I won't try to tell you it will be easy, but I do think it is worth the effort, (divorce isn't easy either, believe me, and there is too much of it already in our society). Has your husband agreed to no contact yet? In your particular case I think I would think seriously about selling car, bed and house and getting away from OW if even remotely possible. <P>You have come to the right place. There are tons of others here who have been through the same pain you are in now. Circumstances may be different in every case, but it's amazing how many common threads there are in all our experiences too, and seeing that you are not alone really does help, and believe me you are NOT alone in your pain.<P>The good news is even though I didn't believe it before, it really can get better, it does take time. Read, read read, and go to a good marriage counselor if you aren't already. I will pray for you too. Remember you are early on, and just like everything in life given time this too will change. Keep the hope alive even if it is just a tiny ember, cling to it, nurture it, try to focus on it as much as you can, and keep posting!<BR>

Camplite - there are some similarities in our situations: my d-day was May 10 and my 6 yr wedding anniv was Mar 4. My H's A was only 6 months, but I can relate to your feelings of "they did so much together" and the feeling that everything is "contaminated". I am experiencing such a roller coaster of emotions, sometimes I wonder if I will (can?) survive the ride. Add to all of this, in Feb 1998, I was the WS - I had a "2 night stand" while on a business trip. Looking back, I realize H & I did not really work through the issues related to my affair - I was depressed and suicidal and counseling was more focused on getting me better mentally. H now admits that he felt like he had to put his feelings aside to make sure I was ok.<P>Through all of this, I'm finding it extremely helpful to read posts from others, post my own and get as much information on affais as possible. I ordered Surviving an Affair but just got it and have not read any of it yet. I'm currently reading/listening to The Monogamy Myth by Peggy Vaughn (check out <A HREF="http://www.dearpeggy.com)" TARGET=_blank>www.dearpeggy.com)</A> <P>This is getting longer than I intended. Things I am trying to do:<BR>#1 Believe that it IS possible to reconcile and rebuild the marriage no matter what the circumstances.<BR>#2 Be patient!! (This one is tough)<BR>#3 Not get caught up focusing on me, my feelings, etc. (This is even harder than being patient, I think) I'm not saying that my thoughts and feelings should be ignored, swept under the rug, etc. but the fact of the matter is, I am not the only person involved in this situation. We may not be sharing the exact feelings, but my H is experiencing pain and other strong emotions.<BR>#4 Focus on anything and everything positive - no matter how small.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tere38:<BR><B>Yes, yes there is hope if you love him. I found my clues about the time you found out, so we are in this together. Read everything you can get your eyes on from the Harleys today, and order 'Surviving an Affair' if you haven't already. They will ship it to you pronto, I ordered mine on Saturday and had it on Tuesday. The book is amazing, and it follows a worst case senario with strong emotional attachment, which sounds where you are. The people on this forum have been so helpful, you need to talk to people who have been there. Reflect on where your marriage has been in the past few years, it was a wake-up call for me. If you don't pray daily, consider starting. I have my best days when I wake up and ask God for the strength to survive. He always comes through for me. I'll pray for you this morning, and I'll keep you on my mind all day. Take care of yourself.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I did pick up the book "how to survive an affair" and it has been very helpful and true to form. But he has a such a long emotional attachment with her, I don't know if he will be able to come back to me and I'm afraid I will lose faith in him. I am overwieght and always have been, and part of what I love about him is that he loves me for me. I just get the feeling when he looks at me, he is repulsed. I never had that feeling before until yesterday. Well, thanks for your support!!<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ScaredInNY:<BR><B>There is hope, but I won't try to tell you it will be easy, but I do think it is worth the effort, (divorce isn't easy either, believe me, and there is too much of it already in our society). Has your husband agreed to no contact yet? In your particular case I think I would think seriously about selling car, bed and house and getting away from OW if even remotely possible. <P>You have come to the right place. There are tons of others here who have been through the same pain you are in now. Circumstances may be different in every case, but it's amazing how many common threads there are in all our experiences too, and seeing that you are not alone really does help, and believe me you are NOT alone in your pain.<P>The good news is even though I didn't believe it before, it really can get better, it does take time. Read, read read, and go to a good marriage counselor if you aren't already. I will pray for you too. Remember you are early on, and just like everything in life given time this too will change. Keep the hope alive even if it is just a tiny ember, cling to it, nurture it, try to focus on it as much as you can, and keep posting!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, he agreed to no contact right away. Well he went and saw her at her work for about 1/2 hour the night we got back from our trip, (he thought he owed that to her)to tell her it was over. She pretty much reacted the same way I did when I found out. Why...how could you...don't leave me...etc. etc. etc. The the next morning she showed up at his work and they drove around for about 1/2 hour and that's it. No contact since and I believe him. I told him he needs to get rid of everything and that I wanted to sell everything and move. That was a little extreme but that's how I feel. I mean when I'm in the shower, I see her, in my bed, I see her, in the car, I see her all the places they have been. We went on a cruise Feb. 2000 with a group of about 20 for our 5 yr. anniv. Really looked forward to it so we could get back in touch with each other. She was there too on her HONEYMOON and come to find out, they slept together. Everyplace romantic we've been to in the last 2 years, he's asked her if she would like to go. He even sneaks away on our romantic getaways to call her. I just have a hard time dealing with those kind of things. He even bought her the perfume he bought me. Well thanks for your support. Se you later.<BR>

Bless your heart, he even bought her the same perfume. I can relate, Mine bought her the same thing he bought me for Xmas. Specially made, handcrafted medicine bags, beautiful. I sent the ones he gave me to his mother. What a jerk, makes you really wonder where their brains are. Does it help that she has to follow in your footsteps, in other words, she got the same thing as he had planned on giving you? <P>I know there is not a lot to make you feel better right now, but you hang in there. As far as your weight, let me tell you something, No matter your size if you feel and act beautiful YOU ARE. Do NOT let this take that away from you. I cannot emphasize this enough. <P>Take care we are here for you

Don't give up on you! Don't blame yourself for this! Yes, there are some things you could have done/will do differently, but he could have let you know where he stood also. I have spent the last four years of my life in a deep depression that left me 60 pounds overweight and miserable. The weight is almost all gone, thanks to God, and I am really feeling better overall.<P>Take baby steps, but do some things for yourself. Try an exercise class, or just exercise at home. Don't let food be your friend, cause it isn't. I broke my addiction to food and I feel so free. Just try it. You have to take care of yourself now, you deserve to be there for yourself. Let me know if I can help. tere

I agree do not give up on you but consider seriously whether you really wish to be with this man for the rest of your life. You described how he desecreted your house and your bedroom. What kind of a man would go on an anniversary cruise with his wife and then make love to another woman while this woman was on her honeymoon. The fact that you were all friends in your home previously compounds this.<BR>I really feel sorry for you and the OW's husband. I would suggest that you deserve to be with someone who would respect you and who would have a moral compass. You deserve much better than this.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bryanp:<BR><B>I agree do not give up on you but consider seriously whether you really wish to be with this man for the rest of your life. You described how he desecreted your house and your bedroom. What kind of a man would go on an anniversary cruise with his wife and then make love to another woman while this woman was on her honeymoon. The fact that you were all friends in your home previously compounds this.<BR>I really feel sorry for you and the OW's husband. I would suggest that you deserve to be with someone who would respect you and who would have a moral compass. You deserve much better than this.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Bryan you are right BUT, Not one of us deserves to be with a spouse who cheats, we all deserve better. As far as moral compass, do you really believe any cheater shows any moral compass during an affair? Afraid not. It's not a matter of "what we deserve, or morals", a spiritual bond was desecrated along with everything else. Food for thought.

Camp your mindsight is great, keep it up. Bryan is right, seriously consider where you want to go. You see beyond the ugly picture, so do I, which is what will get you through the painful stuff. Also, if you can get anything constructive out of this for yourself it will not always be such a painful thought. Use this as a springboard for self-confidence and better self image. Your H will admire you for this in the long run.<P>You have alot of the ugly details that I have keenly avoided in my situation. A forum friend advised me not to dig too deeply unless I was sure I could deal with the thoughts later on. So far, I have been really lucky in that I have not found too much to dwell on. Since you already have enough ugliness to haunt you about this A, don't ask for more. You know it's real, you don't need additional pain. Get beyond it and protect yourself.<P>Read SAA and apply it where you can. Find at least 30-45 minutes every day to take care of yourself. Try some easy yoga or meditation to calm your thoughts. Do something just for you. Let me know if I can help. tere

I agree with most all the advice except not digging into the A. I think you will think about it anyhow and might even make up more than there was with the info you have when your mind gets to wandering, which it will, but that I think is more a personal decision based on what you know of yourself and your ability to handle the true ghosts vs. fictional ghosts. <P>I found out all the ugly details and talked them to death until I could put them into a good perspective. Drove my H insane for a while, and myself too, but at least I don't feel like I currently have anything to fear or be self doubting of. <P>And I made sure everything went that even remotely had to do with her. Getting rid of the daily reminders helps to make it feel like we have a new start. It will require drastic work in your case, but I have to say I can't blame you at all for wanting to do it. You are very strong for wanting to stay with this man and work it out, I hope he realizes he has an incredible wife, he's a lucky guy. Keep your chin up, and keep us updated<BR>

To K9Love,<P>I agree absolutely what you just written. This case is a bit different in that his behavior is beyond belief. What he engaged in (taking your wife on an anniversary cruise and having sex with another woman while that woman was on her<BR>honeymoon while they were all friends) is beyond sick. This behavior indicates that this man is a monster.

Sorry you guys disagree with the not knowing part, but what good does it do to continuously torture yourselves with all that. We are the BS and we have to protect ourselves from additional agony, cause nobody else is going to do it. Maybe I'm not to the true anger part yet, I am a newcomer, but I know myself and what I have already imagined is plenty. I couldn't deal with a complete script, I just couldn't. I hope my H will talk to me about it, but I don't want to hear that unless he just has to tell me. Didn't mean to offend anyone, or make anything seem trivial.<P>My advice comes from my pastor and people on this forum. As black as everything may seem for all of us presently, we have to survive this and we deserve to be better for it, not worse. Love to all of you!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ScaredInNY:<BR><B>I agree with most all the advice except not digging into the A. I think you will think about it anyhow and might even make up more than there was with the info you have when your mind gets to wandering, which it will, but that I think is more a personal decision based on what you know of yourself and your ability to handle the true ghosts vs. fictional ghosts. <P>I found out all the ugly details and talked them to death until I could put them into a good perspective. Drove my H insane for a while, and myself too, but at least I don't feel like I currently have anything to fear or be self doubting of. <P>And I made sure everything went that even remotely had to do with her. Getting rid of the daily reminders helps to make it feel like we have a new start. It will require drastic work in your case, but I have to say I can't blame you at all for wanting to do it. You are very strong for wanting to stay with this man and work it out, I hope he realizes he has an incredible wife, he's a lucky guy. Keep your chin up, and keep us updated</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks guys for all your support. In my heart I think we can get back to being best friends. I know he's mine. Even though we've had some really tough times, the only place I felt comfort was in his arms. It just made me feel like everything was alright. As for not digging into the A, I have too. If we are going to fix this, I want everything out NOW. No suprises later. He had some cards from her locked in his toolbox he told me about but didn't think it was a good idea for me to look at them. Sorry, I found a spare key and read every one. Didn't do bad with that at all but, she made a tape of songs for him and that really hurt. There was a song on there that him/I danced to at a friends wedding in March. I thought we were ok. There is something you should all know. For the last few years, I've said some really hurtfull things too him every time we fought. Like, I want a divorce, I hate you, I'm not happy...I think it's my fault I drove him away. What get's me is if that's how he felt why didn't he just leave. When I found out about the A, and don't ask me how I could do this, but for that 1st week the sex was unbelieveable! He thought maybe I was doing that as a competition. On one hand, I don't consider a competition, but on the other, he's made it into one. I can't emphasize how honest he has been with me, and he as been OW FREE for 12 days now. PS. He was married once before and his EX cheated on him. He always said that's what hurt the most was that she didn't just divorce him first. I think he's a good guy and I really love him, but there are times now I wonder if it's all worth it. But, SAA says anything I try to do for the next few weeks will seem like wasted effort. Well, I guess I need to hang in there. I just told him, even though we had some bad arguements, I never stopped loving him, and I have enough faith for both of us, that we can get through this. I also believe that God is in control. THings happen for a reason. What ever is meant to be will be. It's in his hands. Bye<P>

Bryan:<P>Okay, I have a question for you. <P>What would you call a man who makes plans for the OW to come and stay in the motel with him the week his wife is in the hospital recovering from major surgery. Oh, he was kind enough to stay with me during the day.(Ths hospital was out of town) But, he called her while I was in surgery. Talked to her longer than my mother, who he was calling to let her know how I came out.<P><BR>The day after he brings me home he leaves town for the day, she's three hours, away to sleep with her. Me, I am in a bed unable to walk.<P>Just wanted your advice, I assume from your name you are a man. Any opinion you have I'd be interested in.<P>Camplite:<P>I have to agree with you on wanting to know what I can. It is much easier to deal with demons if you know what they look like, Also it gave me insight as to how he was able to pull this stunt. Now, thanks to him, I have learned a lot about trust. I have also learned what to look for etc.<P>My heart goes out to you, as far as the sex being fantastic after discovery, thank you for sharing that. I thought I was loosing what little bit of sanity I had. I had the same situation. I know it was not for the "competitive" edge, but it beats me why.

To K9love:<P>Indeed I am a man. You asked me what my opinion would be of your husband. Your husband is an incredibly selfish and<BR>narcissistic individual. Please ask him how he would have felt if the roles were reversed. I don't know how it would be possible to have any respect and compassion for this man.<BR>I am sorry that I do not have any advise for you except to say that hopefully most men are not like your husband. I do not know how he could sleep at night but of course that assumes he has a conscience which I doubt he has. The bottom line is that you deserve much better. Good Luck.

Bryanp<P>Yes, you are right. Selfish to the core I am afraid. Do you think there are scenarios that are worse than others? Do you think that some situations because of "what happened" should not be worked out? <P>This clouds my thougts each and every day. Although I have to say I've read about other H who pulled really sh**y things also.<P>It's been three months and I don't know how I feel about this person anymore. I care, I know this but I don't know if the hurt he caused has killed any chance of love again.

To K9Love:<P>I am sorry for your pain and I understand very much what you are going through. Something similar happened to me many years ago. I eventually found that I did not wish to be in a marriage with someone I could not respect. Honesty and integrity are very important concepts for me. I simply lost any feelings for a person who lacked these attributes so I ended up in a divorce. I look to be involved with persons who share my values and concepts and I have found that I am more enthused towards life because of this. I have found that people who do not have a moral compass will eventually bring down everyone they associate with. <BR>I wish you luck in deciding what you wish to do. Generally a person's true nature will always come to the surface time and time again.