Hello,<P>This is my first posting to this site. Discovered after I found out that my H was having an EA. He started working out-of-town two years ago and came home one weekend. All of a sudden, OW started calling repeatedly. I asked H about it and all he ever said was that they were just friends, that she had a husband and three kids. OW called one time while H was in Virginia, I guess thought he was home. Asked him about it again, said that nobody was doing anything. H came home about two weeks to take care of business, but I was none of the business, no kiss, no sex, H slept downstairs. OW started calling the same night H got home. I asked H again. Nothing going on. H left. I got a phone bill where H had talked to OW twice and where H had paged OW about 7 times. I called OW and confronted her, with what kind of friendship is this, what's going on, etc. OW insisted they were just friends. I blew my top and told her never to call my house again or I was going to find my way up to her house. The next day, OW called and admitted the EA. Said that they think they love each other. I said I was going to divorce him and take every penny. OW said it was not about the money. I called and told my H mother. He called me a week later, I told him that OW told me everything. Then H finally says that it's true. How does it work in this situation?, when the OW admits it. She said that she is not married when I asked if her husband knew? H said she was married. Will the WS be angry at the OW for telling or what? H has kept it a total secret for two years, not only lying about that, but now everything in general. He has not called back in a week. Any ideas?

It's sad your H is putting you through this. It must be hard since you're not together. My H never told me anything - I found out by confronting the women. He always said they were bitter and were trying to sabotage him and our marriage.<P>He is just now after a year of lies starting to open up. <P>You seem relatively calm - are you okay? I'm sure you're in shock. Do you want to work on your marriage?<P>God Bless!<P> <P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

Thank you.<P>Yes, I am relatively calm because I still cannot believe and grasp it. I don't know if I want to work it out. A part of me says yes and then another part says no, you can never trust him. I have an appointment with a lawyer on the 31st for a D consultation.

Bashy36 -<P>Do you have children??? I know you said you have a consultation with a D lawyer, but have you read Surviving an Affair, Dr. Harley; After the Affair by Dr. Janis Abrams Spring; You don't sound emotional, but if any of this is hitting emotional chords it is wise to move slowly with decisions. If there are children a d is very hard on them. Reading these books will help put things into prospective; best to make decisions after you have researched. Remember lawyers want to make money - they make their money by processing the paperwork - but they cannot help you out with the right thing to do.<P>aftershock

Thank you<P>No, there are no children. I am going for a consultation to see what my options are. I am not a very emotional person, but this still does hurt a lot, especially last week, I could hardly eat at all. I haven't read any books yet. I know I can't rush it. This is all of a sudden and we have a lot of things to work out, house, finance, etc.<P>Bashy36

Bashy36 -<P>You sound so level headed. My D-day was beginning of June last year. She was a "family friend" (ha). I can't believe that for my 13 years I was so naive thinking it would never happen to us. The extent of ours was a short time, money spent on it was a rose, cards, some long distance calls. That's what I know of. It hit me really hard. I did not know about SAA and what to do, so some things were done incorrectly. I was so emotionally distraught - I don't know if the books would have changed my feelings. I'd been through a d before, and spent quite a bit of money on that one. My first d doesn't hurt - I really could not stand the guy - I was very unhappy on my wedding day - never should have married him - but my present H - I adore (adored) him - I couldn't see how he could have done this to us. It's improving a little each day. I can't believe the OW in our case, we had stayed with her parents on our vacation in '96 for almost 2 weeks. It always seemed her H & kids, and the mom & dad, and her sister & d, and we seemed friends - xmas cards, etc. This really blindsighted me! And it really, really hurts. My husband said a cuss word this weekend and the word cut through my heart. My world is so much different, I guess because how this changed my self esteem. We have two children so it is different for us.<P>I am very impressed how you sound to be holding up. Still you need to know the steps - like in SAA (Surviving an Affair). Is it worth saving?<P>aftershock

Thank you for your note.<P>I seem to be holding up so far, but he hasn't called in a week, and I haven't seen him, so I don't know how I will react when or if he calls, I told him I don't care if he ever calls again. But I wish he would, so I can know what the deal is. Does he want me or her or his freedom. His parents are with him right now, his father is sick. He was sick, too, maybe rheumatoid arthritis, doesn't know yet. Been to emergency rooms and several doctors. He was down here two weeks ago and was limping, complaining about his pain, talking other stuff, except what I needed to know. He has been on workmen's comp for past two weeks and not been to work in about a month. I don't know if he feels bad or sorry or happy. I refuse to call him at this point. I think I will look into this book. Did this book help you?

Bashy36 -<P>Your question - did the book help? IT REALLY HAS. I was a real basket case - I made it through some depression without drugs - but they sure would have changed my perspective (mood). We even had a fight on Christmas Eve (we had never fought until June 2000), SAA is what has really changed my focus - my H is reading it now. It really will show you the steps and what happens - After the Affair will help you make decisions. Start reading. I felt like I was going crazy because I felt like I had no one to talk to. The book has helped me put everything into perspective - I know why things happened (like the way he started acting angry was withdrawal). Sorry to hear he hasn't called, if you want to take steps toward him, you may have to call him. <P>aftershock

Thank you for your reply.<P>I think I will get the book. But I can't call him right now. Don't know what to expect, and I don't want to give him the impression that I am begging him to come back or call. He has a really big ego. I feel that if he is truly sorry, which I doubt, didn't admit until I told him OW told me everything, he will call.<P>Bashy36