<BR>Hi everyone,<BR>I just found this today--what a <BR>day its been. God must have <BR>guided my keyboard 2this site <BR>'cause i know i need it.<P>Here's my trouble (&do I need <BR>some advice!):<BR>I have been w/my partner 4 <BR>6years. Last year this time we <BR>separated so he could 'mature' <BR>and I could raise our 2daughters. <BR>The good news is we remained <BR>friends and over the past coupl <BR>of months reconciled. He is home <BR>now and life has been just peachy <BR>until 2day.<BR>The bad news:Today, thru <BR>anonymous sources, I found that a <BR>woman he had been dating during <BR>our split is pregnant. i asked <BR>him and he said he knew but wasnt <BR>sure the child is his since she <BR>cheated on him(the reason 4 the <BR>split). However hefailed 2 <BR>mention this 2me during our <BR>reconciliation period--&now says <BR>it has nothing 2do w/our family. <BR>I love my family and will (&have) <BR>do anything 2 make it work but I <BR>have no idea what 2 do at this <BR>point. we are not married but <BR>were already making plans 4the <BR>new year 2 tie the knot--should i <BR>hold off til the child is born--i <BR>would accept it into our family <BR>but i'm afraid my SO wont--he is <BR>actinglike this is no big <BR>deal--I'm just upset he didnt <BR>tell me and doesnt seem to care <BR>what the outcome of this <BR>situation is. This makes the <BR>break between them unbreakable. <BR>PLEASE HELP ME-I am going crazy <BR>here<P>------------------<BR><BR>

Welcome Drea to Marriage Builders,<BR>I am really sorry to hear of your situation. It must be very dificult for you right now. But the good news is you have found a great place to come for advice and support. The people in this forum have one agenda and that is helping each other to build our marriages.<BR>I really don't have a lot of advice to give you on this one subject but You should probably discuss your fears and concerns with your spouse and perhaps go over all your options together and see what kind of decision you both come to. <BR>It is great that you have gotten back together and are working on being a strong couple and family. That is one big bonous in your favour.<BR>I hope this helps a little. I am sure there are others in the forum that are closer to your situation than I am. Perhaps they will give you more solid advice. <BR>If you don't get a lot of responses right away don't be too discouraged, things are slow here on the weekends. If you want to bring attention to your post and you haven't got a lot of responses post a reply to yourself. This will bring it to the top of the list and more people will see it again.<BR>Again welcome to MB. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Hi, Drea and Welcome. You've definitely come to the right place. There are several of our members that have been where you are. It's a terrible situation,but you two can get through it.<P>Be sure to take care of yourself through all this. You'll need all the strength you can get.<P>And read .......everything. Check out Harley's principles, books that our friend Jim can give you a list of, posts from others. There's a search option at the top of the page. Use it to find posts from people who've been where you are and read them too. (Maybe search by pregnant, preggo, pg, etc.) You'll find you are definitely not alone here.<P>One of the most important things you can do is to NOT take your hurt and frustration out on your partner. That's what we're for. So, post - any and all the time - to cry, yell, vent, scream, just to talk when you need to get it out. We're listening and we care.<P>Good luck to you and welcome again.<P>Lori

Welcome [bdrea[/b] to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Sorry I'm late... Friday nights are my crazy time with my kids...<BR>Here is the welcome wagon spiel I give the new folks... (thanks Lori)...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! You situation does require a start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Like Lori said... your situation is <B>not</B> unique here.<P>You do have to do some soul searching in your situation...<BR>It sounds like you do love your SO and he loes you... butI'd strongly suggest some openning up of more communications... and wants and needs, especially about the (OC=Other Child). Also, before any recommitment... read about Dr. Harley's concepts on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

THANKS YA'LL FOR welcoming me and for your positive help. SO says he didnt tell me because he knew it would hurt and if given the choice would never had said anything b/c he wants nothing else to do w/OW(a big plus). I am still confused about what to do when the OC is born, though. I am trying really hard not to be negative and nagging about this because SO seems to want the topic over and done with. Maybe I am making more out of it than he feels about it. He apologized for not telling me and I know I can't change whats done but it doesn't make it anyless confusing! Thanks for letting me run on again. <BR> Drea<p>[This message has been edited by drea (edited December 11, 1999).]

drea--<P>Is your SO aware he may be sued for child support of OW's child? Does he know what OW's intentions are? Your concerns ARE valid and SO may end up not being able to wish this away!<P>Use this forum to vent, learn and share. We're here for you. <P><P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<P>

Hi, and welcome!!!<P>I am one of many of us who have a OW with a child... I can only say... Don't worry about tomarrow today!!!!<P>As each situation occurs, deal with it or you'll be on overload... DONT LET YOUR IMAGININGS DROWND YOU!!!! First find out what kind of relationship your H wants to have with OC... does H know for sure its his? If its not a certian deal, lay it all aside untill blood tests....<P>GO 1 step at a time!!!!!<P>cozy

Laura: Yes I mentioned that to him about c/s and he says she would never do that. Now I am not ignorant and know any woman in her position would. She already has one child from another man. My SO says he doesnt know if it is his and wants nothing to do with OC if it is. So now I am left to wonder until its born. I really didn't need this. If it's out of his head for now, why cant I get it out of mine? I look at our kids and the hurt starts again. I should be happy that he wants no contact, right, but why is it I am drowning in disappointment?<BR> As for not worrying about it til that time comes, thats how my SO is taking it but my nature is as a planner, so how to I keep this from being in the forefront of my mind all the time and get back to our family where I need to be?<BR> Venting again---Drea<p>[This message has been edited by drea (edited December 11, 1999).]

welcome, drea.<P>I'm so sorry to hear you have joined our "club", esp. the OW-with-child club, but congradulations on salvaging your relationship. I think it is in your favor that the OC was conceived during your separation, as, if your family does have contact with the child, the feelings of acceptance might come easier for everyone. <P>My H has a 1yo he has never seen but is paying child support for and not one day passes that I don't think of the unfortunate child and her very selfish mother, a former "friend". We will send for the child to spend time with us if she wants to when she is, say, school-aged (we are very long distance), but it is incredibly painful for everyone involved, including grandparents. <P>In regards to your deliemma, I think you already know your SO needs to arrange to have DNA blood tests done at the birth (I think they can use cord blood if notified ahead and save the baby the pain of taking it veinously), and brace yourselves for the child support costs. C/s guidelines vary for each state. We have to pay a portion of H's pay plus health insurance. I've heard some states even include the WIFE'S income (which I find disgusting) in calculating H's support---something I would look into BEFORE getting married!! You may need to protect yourself financially. <P>Emotional support or contact of your H to this child should be by mutual agreement between yourself and he. Contact between H and the mother should be absolutely minimal and seen/heard by you at all times if possible. If him not taking emotional responsibility for this child upsets you, you need to talk about it!! Some wives in these situations cannot handle any contact with the child, (or any between the child and the couple's children), while others cannot accept the father abandoning the child. Keep in mind the child will eventually have feelings about whatever is decided too, and there is a better than even chance the kid will contact your family him/herself when they are old enough, or continually bother the mother about contacting H, etc. It is our counselor's opinion that it is in the child's best interests if the mother finds someone to marry who will adopt the child and sever biodad's rights/responsibilities, but barring that, the child only has one father and will be affected by how that father does or doesn't relate to him/her.<P>I could probably go on and on and on. This has been of particular interest to me ever since I saw that there are no guidelines in affair recovery books for this.... (And I had an uncle who did this over 30 years ago; it is hardly a new problem!!)<P>Best wishes to you.

Thanks Jenny,<BR> When I first found out about this I felt like I belonged on all those lovely talk shows. On the child support issue, from what I understand here in LA(this backwards state) a wife's income is considered also in determining the amount of support. I cant understand that seeing as we have two children of our own already to care for. <BR>Thank you all for being supportive and letting me know that I am right in my heart to work this out.People who know, including my mother, cant see why I want to continue with it. I think she is thinking long term problems. But I'm in this for longterm so I guess I'll just grin and bear it...<BR> -Drea