My D-Day was May 1st. We have had a tough time since, but I really feel this past week was better ... until tonight. <P>We started counseling last week. It went ok, but H has a hard time communicating in general, never mind with a complete stranger. We go back tomorrow. Is it normal for him to b*@ch and moan about going? He came home tonight and said "I am NOT looking forward to tomorrow". What I want to say is "too damn bad, should have thought about that before you had the A!" I instead reply "sorry". I feel so lame saying sorry, but what else do I say?? I truly feel in order to recover and heal (and fix problems that needed fixing a LONG time ago) we need to do this. Which brings me to my next question ......<P>I have been pretty good about not asking a lot of questions about the whole A. Since the last counseling session it really has helped me deal with not having to know EVERYTHING. My lastest concern, well always has been my concern is WHY? Why did it happen?? Was there a need that I was not meeting?? His answer has been the same "I was just attracted to her". I am worried because she still is a customer in his place of business, although he tells me he has not seen her in quite a while. The fact of the matter is he still will see her on occasion. So how do I know that it won't happen again?? If I don't know what went wrong for him to have the A then how can we fix it?? I ask what his needs are or what do I do that makes him feel loved and he says "I have never really thought about it"!! What kind of answer is that?? UUGGHH all of this is just so exhausting! Sometimes I just want to give up ...

Definitely normal. Mine only went twice with me. Complained that a "stranger" who did not know him or our "special relationship" (yeah right, Special because he's always pulled the shots and I've followed,) was not going to help him.<P>Hang in there.

Have you read SAA? How about the related articles on this site?<P>Reading the above will help you understand the why and give you the tools to help it from not happening again. I have been the BS and WS. When I was the BS I could never get a straight answer and felt very much like you. <P>Take care.

Hang in there. I can tell you that by simply saying "sorry" and not bashing him or attcking him with judgements, you did the right thing. I am 9 months out from d-day. I only discovered the real truths to the affair 3 weeks ago, so I feel recovery has just begun.<BR>IN MY CASE, H willing went to his own therapist as well as a marriage counselor. However, he snowballed all of us. He was so accustomed to his double life, who he wanted to be and who he really was, that I feel he was afraid to have anyone get to close. He was also afraid to really look at what he had done and what kind of person he had become.<BR>Perhaps one of the greatest fears for both bs and ws in recovery, is not so much saving their marriage, but having to look at themselves and individuals and save and make corrections in their own selves before the marriage can go anywhere. <BR>If it helps, in the last nine months, my husband had to admit that he was sexual compulsive, closet alcoholic, and con man. He truly lead two very separate lives. He was the man he portrayed to the world and the husband and father that he wanted to be when he was with us. But, he found a woman that loved and supported his lying, alcoholic and pornographic addictions. <BR>If you H has been having an affair, odds are he has many other secrets, too. Past and present...it is a terrifying thing to have to share that part of yourself, to a woman that you you have already hurt tremendously and to a stranger.<BR>Good Luck...put your seatbelt on, your ride can be smoothe with wild twists and turns or bumpy all the time. Just remeber, YOU can not make your H be honest, give information he does not want to let go of or feel things that he is not capable of feeling...go slow...

FeelingAlone:<P>So sorry for the pain you are feeling. My Dday was March 6th and my H had A with coworker. I've asked him what caused it and he says "He shut me down"...he went to her with problems he felt we had in our marriage and she didn't really give him much advice...but she was easy to talk with.<BR>That hurts!! He said they were friends first...he pursued her...called her in her office and then would meet her after work in her vehicle...Says it started out as talking first and then it became intimate. I've asked him what I did wrong and he says "NOTHING"...I was the as-h-le. He says I am perfect (yah right) and that she meant nothing!!!! HELLOl....NOTHINGJ???? If she meant nothing, why did it begin in the first place. OH>>>she is married...23 yrs.<P>They work together and he has written a no-contact letter but I'm waiting for responses because I'm trying to find out what's the best way to send it!! He swears he will never communicate with her again..but I am scared to death if it happened once it will happen again.. We've read every book you can so hopefully we've AFFAIR PROOFED the marriage.<P>Some good books to read are "Surviving the Affair", "After<BR>the Affair", "Infidelity", "Torn Asunder...but the best<BR>I think was "His Needs, Her Needs and "After the Affair".<BR>My H read them with me but when I ask him what caused it<BR>he says "IT WASN'T YOU..IT WAS ME"!!. He has said on acouple of occasions that it was an EGO booster but that he<BR>knew in his heart it was wrong and ended it. But,,, they<BR>met for several months intimately which is still painful!!<P>Good Luck and keep in touch. I'm not sure any of us will ever get the answers to WHY they have A's?? I still beat<BR>myself up over the OW....<P>Shocker17

Shocker 17<P>DaJaVou (I think that's how it's spelled) My husband also said, screamed, yelled "It had nothing to do with you". I am still trying to figure this one out. <P>Take care,<BR>me

Thanks to all for the responses. Today was a better day, even though we did have our counseling session. I am begining to accept that he just did it because he felt drawn to her. Thanks, Shocker ... what your H said about why he did it sounds like what my H has told me. He said it was a ego booster as well. <P>I am thankful that my H is going to counseling (something he REFUSED to do before I found out about the A)so at least for us this is a step in the right direction. We are both committed to working this whole mess out! I have read SAA, but H has not. I don't push it on him, the counseling is enough right now and I will take something over nothing!! I hope everyone is well and my prayers are with you all ...