I asked my wife directly last night if she was having an affair. She said she wasn't going to answer that. I repeated the question several times, again same reply. I told her what I knew as I had it on audio tape. I asked her how she could have hurt and betrayed me like that. She said she was hurt for years in our marriage as I neglected her emotional needs. She would not discuss the affair other than to say "he was there for me". She wants to divorce. She said our marriage was dead a long time ago. We have been married nearly 8 years and we have 2 young children. <P>She wants to move on with her life and wants me to move on with mine. I have praying so hard that the Lord would interevene and save our marriage. She says she is praying for different things. How I so regret not being there for her and not appreciating her. Where did it go wrong? This is her second failed marriage and my first. I love this woman dearly and the thought of losing her is tragic for me. I told her the pain she has caused me and the deceitfulness of her actions and she just said "what about the pain you have caused me all these years". Somehow she feels justified that her affair is ok because of that. <P>I suggested she move out do to the circumsatances. The children can stay with me in our home. I just think her life is in to much turmoil and unstable for my kids to be dealing with it. Of course mine is in turmoil, but the fact the she involved with someone while we are married... just dont want my children exposed to it. She seemed insulted that I would even think that she would expose them to it. She hasnt been herself for 2 months now. Forgetful, disorganized, kind of in a fog. <P>I want her to be happy. How I wish I could be the one to make her happy. Why cant we fight harder to save our marriage? Why wont she fight with me. She told me she regrets giving up her former lover (the man she had a 4 yr affair with during her first marriage) for me. She thinks she should have stayed with him "even though he got weird on me in the end". Apparently he became a little possesive and smothering. I think he felt as soon as she divorced they would be together. It was a little too much for her too soon.<P>I pray for a miracle. I think she is dead set on going through with it. We will live together for the time being. I asked her out of respect for our children and the fact that we are still married, that I wanted her to stop the affair. She did not really respond. I feel so bad right now. <BR>

wcm,<P>I don't know if this will help, but a friend of mine has gone through the same thing that you have. My friend has felt the same guilt that you are feeling. My friend's counselor told him that he was not aware that he was causing problems in his marriage. Even though my friend was partly responsible for the break down of his marriage, it was an unconscious decision. When his wife decided to have a PA for 4 years, she made a conscious decision to break the marriage vows. Instead of going to him and discussing the problems, she chose to seek out the lack of attention somewhere else. SHE made a conscious decision. <P>My friend's ex also tells him that if he had been there for her, she would not have seeked out the attention of another man. She has put him on major guilt trips. It has taken him 8 months to realize that he was not the cause of the affair. Yes, he takes responsibility for the unconscious mistakes that he made in his marriage but he no longer blames himself for his wife's affair.<P>Try not to blame yourself for her affair. If you made mistakes, you did not know that they were mistakes because no one told you. Your wife should have come to you and told you how she was feeling. She has to take responsibility for her part in the break down of the marriage. Until then, you have to save yourself. Don't let her break you!! I will keep you in my prayers.<P>TB

My wife did tell me....I just wasn't listening. I thought the problems were trivial. Some mistakes I made were careless. I was too aggressive in my investing and lost money in the mkt. For a period of time I was really scared and I told her that we might have to sell some property or that thekids might not be able to keep going to private school. She sees these things as threats. To me they were realistic fears. I expressed it to her in a way that was threatening. This caused her alot of bad feelings. I was so self centered. I chose to by a stinking motorcycle which I never rode in liu of putting in a new kitchen which my wife wanted. She was being practical. I was not. other things like not listening to her, being to tired to converse after coming home from work, not doing enough around the house, etc etc. This took a toal. I blame myself for this. Granted she is not an easy woman to live with and she can be very demanding and she seems to see the bad more than to good, but I have to accept my responsibilty in this too. <P>I just dont understand how someone can just shut down their love for another. No matter how angry or annoyed or irritated I got with her, I never stopped loving her. Even after this infidelity, I still love her. How does someone just stop loving??

wcm -<P>Please tell us that you will obtain Surviving an Affair - one of Dr. Harley's many books - and devote YOURSELF to it. Talk to your wife and ask her to read it then too. Also get His Needs, Her Needs and see if you two can work through it. When you have children - a divorce is much worse - get books on what d will do to children and analyze how this will affect them for the rest of their lives.<P>OKAY - so you made some MISTAKES - everybody does - OKAY so you were selfish - maybe you and your W can turn this around into a great, nurturing marriage.<P>Just read the books SAA, HNHN, and After the Affair, before you make any long term decisions. Making a decision right now during the emotional fog, and withdrawal is the wrong thing to do. Get your wife on MB to see what is going on. We are all getting on with our lives together. You can do it too.<P>aftershock

Yes I got the book Survivng an Affair. I am reading it. My wife and I talked last night. Very deep and emotional.We cried together. She asked questions and I asked questions. I know she knows how much I love her. As much as it pains me, I suggested to her that we seperate for 1 yr. Divorce at this time is just moving a little too fast. She felt that I was probably right as we are both having such mixed emotions. I will help her financially through this. We recognize a lot can happen in 1 yr. She may feel differently and I may as well. We owe this much to the children. <P>I want her to be happy. I cannot be bitter towards her and fight her. I am deeply hurt by what happened and it was wrong, but if I had been there for her it would have never happened. What tears me up is that She prayed for so long that I would change. When God finally spoke to my heart in Feb. and I began to change she was already gone emotionally. I am here for her now and ready to be a true husband, lover and friend and she is gone. The sadness of it is overwhelming. I trust in the Lord. He has a plan. There is a reason for this. I must allow His plan to play out. I am following my heart on this and I will continue to pray for guidance to be a better man, father and maybe someday a husband again.

wcm, I applaud for how you are handling this and using God's guidance and love to see you through. As sad as it may seem to a spouse, God has to come first in our lives. Sometimes, when God speaks to us and we hear it and abide by it, our spouse feels a bit abandoned to some 'other person'. Don't give into that, it's just evil trying to rule you again. She will soften with time, and you will both be the better for it, no matter what. <P>A seperation sounds good, with time to talk to reflect on where you are and where you want to be. Some states make a one-year seperation mandatory for this purpose. You both have given so much of yourselves to this marriage, you owe it at least one more year.<P>Keep talking to whomever is strenghthening you presently. Don't act on anything until you have run it by them. Recognize how fragile your emotions are, and don't let them rule you.

Initially I was filled with rage, fear and deep pain. I still am in pain, but I am not angry with her. I love her deeply and for years,(married almost 8) I have negelected her emotional needs. We had a long talk last night. I dont want to hurt her. Last week both of our intial feeling was DIVORCE. Last night we really shared our feelings and pain with eachother. We cried. We both wonder what happened with us. I recommended that we not rush right into divorce and that a formal seperation for 1 yr would make better sense. She said that she felt I might be right. I told her that alot of things can happen in a year and that her situation might change our feelings might change etc. I want nothing more than to work it our with her, but I realize that I must give her the space and time she needs. We have a boy age 7 and girl age 6. They must be considered above all in this.<BR>She is torn with mixed emotions and I am grieving. She lost her love for me as I depleted the love bank and never replensihed it. Another man was making deposits and that is where we are at now. My children will be with both of us regularly during this one year. I will help her fianancially as she has been a full time mom for the most part only working part time. She will now work more hours. <P>She will need time to see if she is making the right choice. Her emotions are not stable now and she recognizes this. Nor are mine. I do know I dont want to divorce, but I cant force her to see it differently. Time will tell. I just am concerned that I am enabling her. I realize the other man is meeting certain needs of hers (emotional) that I haven't. There are other needs that she has that I have been meeting that he cannot(financial, father to her children, provider, social status in community, etc.) The struggle will be how do I withdraw from her yet fulfill my obligation of support to her? <P>

You are not withdrawing from her, or enabling some flame to ignite. You are giving her space to sort this out. Affairs are addictive behavior, but they rarely last. Sooner or later, the OM's other character traits will start to show through the fog she is in, and she will realize he is just a man, no better. The 'Knight in Shining Armor' will start to tarnish a bit, and he will be on your level. Remember, he's infatuated also, and when the fireworks fade away, you have to have a basis to continue a relationship. That's when she will realize what she has with you. You have built a life together, and that's a precious thing.<P>I don't want to sound like a Pollyanna, which I have been accused of lately, but try to make this black situation work a positive in your life. This is a bad as it gets, and it will make you appreciate every day of peace that you have from now on. While you are apart, take care of yourself. Look at your physical health and make sure you are sound in that area. Focus on being the best person you can be.

tere38, Thank you for you helpful words and thoughts. The last 3 or 4 months, I have really taken a different outlook on life. Before it was work first and family second. IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN THAT WAY. I have put my family first in my thoughts and in my heart. I have 2 wonderful children with my wife. I thank God for them. I am spending more time with them and I have been focusing more on them as well as my wife. <P>Work is still important, but not my first priority. God is good and he is helping me in my work efforts as well. Business is picking up and some very fruitful things are coming to me. I will keep trying to grow as a man, father and husband (if God wills it). To just sit back and be defeated would be so wrong. I am placing my trust in God in all of this and whatever his will is will be.

Keep on your current course, and talk to us when you are down. Sometimes just knowing I will have a message on here gives me that extra strength to move ahead with my day. I know that there are some bad days ahead, but stayed focused on the outcome. Congrats also on prosperity with your business. That is God working for the good of you and your family.

My wife is going to see OM tonight. In fact, we were all supposed to go out; me, her, him and a bunch of others until I discovered what was going on. I wont go into details, but she reminded me last night of her going out tonight. Since it was pre-planned well in advance, she will probaby still go. I told her this morning as gently as I could that I did not want her to go. She indicated that she would be going. I hope she reconsiders this. The other day she asked me if I hated this other man. I told her that I lost all respect for him. What he did was wrong. She was wrong too, but this man violated me, my children and my wife. This is unforgivable. <P>I can forgive my wife because of my love for her. Having neglected her needs, I feel I contributed to her being in a position of weekness. I view the other mans actions however as predatory. No righteous man would do such a thing. Even when I was single, I would have never been with another mans wife. The idea of it was just to immoral. I was once briefly seeing a woman who was living with another man (not married) and I broke it off quickly. I became aware of her living arrangements after several dates. Her having to sneak around to see me was absurd and I felt that I was doing an injustice to this woman. She was contemplating marriage to this man and I told her to stay with him. I told her that she did not have a future with with me. I was too young to even think about marriage. I was not about to ruin this womans life. She cried when I told her, but she thanked me for being honest and said I was probably right. Last I heard she married him. I have no idea what ever became of her, but at least I know I didnt ruin her life or corrupt her decisions.

Well, she went out tonight. All I can do is have faith she will do the right thing. I am hoping that we can do something as a family this weekend and enjoy being together. My boy and girl and I built a little fire pit out back and got it all set up and ready to have a camp fire. I hope the weather breaks so we can light it some evening this weekend. My kids will want to roast marshmellows and hot dogs. <P>Its simple things like this that make a family. Things that I have taken for granted. These things are so simple and bring such joy to the kids and in turn pleases my wife. I want to make them happy. <BR>

<<Its simple things like this that make a family. Things that I have taken for granted. These things are so simple and bring such joy to the kids and in turn pleases my wife. I want to make them happy.>> <P>This is so nice to hear!!!! Yes, it seems as though people, myself included, take this sort of thing for granted in the busy world in which we live. Stress levels would not be as high if we'd take more time to appreciate what nature and life, in general, have to offer. <P>Keep up the good work and know that you will be appreciated for all that you do.... <BR>

wcm...<P>You're doing the right thing with your kids!!!!!<P>Keep it up!<P> <P>Jim

A beautiful thing happened last night. My wife came home fairly late. I was in bed and not really able to sleep. She came into the bed and I felt her hand slowly reach over to touch me. We held eachother in our arms as we went to sleep. It felt so good to just hold my wife. The power of prayer cannot be denied.

Not a good day today. All started fairly well. We got up kind of late so the kids missed Sunday school. I took my son to church and my wife and daughter stayed home. Just wasnt enough time for them to get ready. As I previously said, my wife went out with OM on Friday. Someone I know was with his date and saw my wife at the movie with OM and then again at a restaurant afterwards. This person I know called my house Sat. and he also left a message on my cell phone. I returned his call today on the way back from church. He told me that he didnt't want to interfere, but that he saw my wife at the movies with some man and that he again saw them at a restaurant that he and his girlfriend were at. What struck him as odd was when the OM sat real close to my wife in the booth. <P>Now the problem is my wife thinks I had this guy follow her, which is absolutley untrue. As you know from my other posts I had recorded phone conversations and I also had a private detective follow her very briefly. She became aware of the PI because they were pretty obvious they were following her and it scared her terribly. The lawyer had advised me to hire one. I regret doing that as I never wanted to scare my wife. I just needed answers. I guess the tapes were really all I needed to hear anyhow. <P>I told her today what this guy told me he saw. We were getting ready to go out and do a few errands together and that just killed it. She was upset and said that I had her followed. I told her that I am not having her followed. Im not recording phone calls or conversations with her. Thats done and over. She said she didnt believe me and didnt trust me. I said "what about me trusting you"? She said "whats the point of going on, you'll never trust me again and I can't trust you". <P>Then she wanted to talk about the seperation. She does not want to leave the home. I had offered to help her financially with a condo or apartment during the seperation. She says that Im trying to make her look bad and like she is abandoning her home and children. The kids will be with both of us, so she certainly isnt abandoning them. I feel she chose to cross the line and betray me, she doesn't want to fight to save the marriage. Why should I be the one to leave. I love her and want to fight for our marriage.<P>It wasnt all that long ago she was fighting for our marraige and I was not working at it. She says its just about losing for me. HOW WRONG SHE IS!! Its about love for her, its about about love for our children, its about what is right in the eyes of God. As hard as I am trying to change my faults and shortcomings, she feels that I will just regress back to the same old ways. I wholeheartedly disagree with her on this. I had made a conscious and heartfelt decision to work at the marriage months ago, long before I ever knew of the affair. The OM I'm sure is telling her things to persaude her to get out of the marriage. I heard him tell her that I cant change or possibly continue to make changes. That its too much for me. What a bunch of CRAP!! tere38 had mentioned about after the fog lifts and my wife realizes this other guy is just an oridinary man with his own faults and shortcomings "the knight in shining armor will begin to tarnish". I always believed the grass isnt any greener on the other side of the fence. <P>Its a real shame. I know if this guy wasnt in the picture, my wife would be appreciating the efforts that I have been making. I could see if I was abusive and not willing to try for her, but thats not the case. I would try for this woman until my dying breath. How I wish she would just give a little and allow me to be part of her life again. The times she begged me to do things with her and I was too busy....I just want a chance to change all that. I want to spend time with her, to talk to her, to listen to her and to enjoy things together. <P>I prayed today that God would give me an opportunity to let my wife feel how much I love her. I pray that she will fight with me for this marriage and not against me. I pray that God will speak to her heart. We have an enormous responsibility to our 2 children. The thought of wrecking their lives over this is heartwrenching. <P>She went out this afternoon. Said she wanted to be alone. I hope she finds some peace in her day. <P>

Thank God the sun is coming out. We may get that campfire going yet!!<P>Another thing I wanted to say. Alot of the changes my wife wanted me to make and I have been working on might seem minor to some. Picking up after myself, cleaning my bathroom more regularly (she was right as it really was nasty at times. Now I cant stand it when its dirty) being more considerate in helping her out, not springing things on her at the last minute, taking a more active interest in the upkeep of our home, not tracking dirt in with dirty shoes, etc. These things are not difficult to do, but can be neglected. My wife takes great joy at seeing me do something constructive around the home without her having to nag. These little things are so important to her and I realize that. <P>Other things that have bothered her is her perception that I need to compete with or please my father (he passed away in 1991 my mother died in 1977 when I was 10. My dad raised us)<BR>She was right at least early on after he died. I went back to college and got the degree I knew he would be so proud of. I have worked hard professionaly as well. I know my dad would be proud and that pleases me. What pleases me even more is making my wife proud. She has saved all the little newspaper clippings from the local paper whenever I was in there. She even framed one of the articles for me to have in my office. She framed my college diploma and my Honorable Discharge from the Army. She took time and care in doing this. I know she did it out of love. I hope she knows how much those things mean to me. She had an artist render a sketch of my childhood home so that I would always remember it. She has had beautiful portraits taken of our family which hang in our home. She had beautiful sexy pictures taken of her in a fur coat that I bought her. She knew this would please me. I display one of those in my office with great pride in her. A couple of years ago on fathers day she gave me a little plastic box with photos of them on all sides. You push a button and you hear her and my children each tell me that they love me and then they all say together "We love you very much". Often times I press the button just to hear them and it makes me happy. Last Fathers day she gave me a little book called "Dont Sweat the Small Stuff". She asked me to please find the time to read the book, "it was all about me". She wanted me to see all the improvement I could make in my life, marriage and being a father. She said I would thank her, because she cared. I didnt read the book right away, but have since read it a few times over. Just this short time ago she still cared. Can someone just give up like that. I realize I didnt change right away, but I have since.<P>Holidays are often not my best time. As a child, they were horrible after my mom died. I guess some of that has carried on into my adulthood. My wife has a difficult time understanding this and I am working with my counselor to get over those things. My wife says I have so much to be grateful for and how right she is. She gets stressed out at Christmas time to, with all the shopping..getting the decorations just perfect etc. She is a perfectionist and our home is a credit to her, but she sometimes pushes herself too hard and gets stressed out and I think that takes some of the joy our of it for her. <P>My thoughts are rambling now as I reflect on things. I know our lives havent been perfect (whose are?) I just dont want to throw away 10 yrs (8 married) with 2 little children without at least fighting a righteous fight. My wife says that just because I changed these last few months "does it mean we all change because of you". I realize that 3 months doesnt compare to the time she was waiting/praying for me to come around, but now that I'm doing it, it doesnt matter anymore? Can a person just shut down like that and not care? My wife is a good woman. I know in her heart she probably wants to try. I understand her fear and apprehension that I will just go back to my old ways once this crisis has passed. One thing I have learned in counseling is about consistency and how mindful I have to be with that. I wish my wife could realize that she is more important to me than anything in this world and that making her happy means everything to me. Now someone else is in the picture. I guess my wife thinks this is the answer for her. I don't believe that this is God's answer to her prayers. <P>I think the day will come when she will regret having given up on me. I just pray the Lord smiles upon our marriage and blesses us with the healing power of the Holy Spirit before its too late.

Pray without ceasing and pray believing that God wants your marriage to be healed. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.R (edited May 27, 2001).]

Had a decent day today. Did get that campfire started and of course 5 minutes later the fire dept shows up. So much for the kids having fun. As far as my wife goes, I dont know. Now she wants to stay in the house and thinks I should move out as it would be cheaper!!. No way, not in a million yrs am I leaving. I'll put the house up for sale before that happens. She made the decision to commit adultery....she has to leave. PERIOD! She says, "so I guess we'll just live seperate lives under the same roof". Guess it wasnt enough that I would help her financially. Now she wants me to leave!!. She says Im setting her up so that she will look bad. Like she is the one abandoning her home and disrupting the kids lives. TOO BAD!! She screwed up this time. She will have to face the consequences of her actions. Either she can work to save the marriage or get out. <P>She says she is going on her own vacation this year and I should do something with the kids. Her and the kids were previously scheduled to go to the Bahamas until this whole mess came about. Of course Im not going to just continue to make my wifes life so easy and comfortable. She says Im hurting the kids by canceling the vacation. I dont think a 6 and 7 yr old require a vacation to the Bahamas to be happy. So my wife has opted to take care of herself. It seems thats all she has been thinking about is HERSELF. Whats good for her. Whats right for her. Whats going to make her happy. Its her way or the highway. <P>Those who know my situation think I am insane to continue to tolerate it. Its easy for them to say as they havent had to confront something like this personally. Some would say I am the "battered spouse". Not physically, but emotionally and verbally. My kids always ask me "why does mommy scream all the time"? My wife says she screams because she is unhappy with me. I think that is ridiculous. My daughter says she has to cover her ears because it hurts her ears. I think it just frightens her so. <P>Unfortunately for her and the direction she is heading,I wouldnt be surprised if our children will came to despise her someday. I never talk bad about my wife to the kids. In fact I try to build her up. Fact is, the kids are getting older and have much more perception about what is going on than we give them credit for. My daughter told me the other day. "Mommy doesnt care about us" I said what are you talking about? She said "mommy smashed all of her brothers lego creations".My wife was angry at him because he accidentally broke one of her decorations, so she went to his room and kicked or stomped on his creations. This happend at least 6 months ago. It obviously made an impact on my kids. I know my wife get stressed with the kids sometimes and so do I. <P>Someone told me that when there is a divorce and the their is child custody disputes, that very often the judge orders physcological interviews with the children. Imagine my kids coming out with stuff like this. <P>So I guess, if we eventually do divorce I'll go on living my life, get closer to God, will meet someone who will truly love me and appreciate all that I do, will become a better father and man, will become much much more financially successful, will appreciate and be grateful for what I have in life, will leave my wife in the dust as she is trying to pick up the pieces of her life wondering what she has done. It doesnt have to be this way. Those who do wrong and hurt others with no true remorse can only get away with it for so long. What comes around goes around. We all have to face the music someday. You can't go on sinning in life and say...no problem...God will forgive me when I feel like asking for forgiveness. I'll ask God when I am ready. Sorry I dont think this cuts it with God.<P>I'll keep praying no matter what for things to work out.

wcm~<P>This is your Wife! Yes I want to stay in my house. I will not abandon my children or uproot them from their stable environment. You may not have felt close enough in your heart to join my name with yours on this house, BUT it's partly mine too. Funny you loved having me take your last name in marriage (an issue you made clear that I take your last name when we got married) but not on a lifelong committment on the house or property & checking account for that matter.<P>Some can say in am a "battereed spouse" also. Emotionlly and verbally, and once physically (had to call the State Police for that one). Maybe I was insane to tolerate it all.<P>We all scream one time or another at our children. Why do I sound different than any other spouse?<P>The children may despise you someday. Plenty of Saturdays, dinners, bedtime, and social events I heard the children say "Daddy doesn't care about us". Obviously has made an impact on the children.<P>So Judge's order physcological interviews with children - Dear Husband? Imagine what our son may bring out when he remember's the time you beat him with the belt! Black and Blue, even Purple bruises were left on him for days! Just the thought makes me shake and break down and cry. I was so scared of your strengh and power, I had to call our Pastor for guidence, prayer and strong advise. I am shaking now just the thought of it.<P>So I guess, we will divorce. I can go on with my life. I will continue to receive the Lord. He will lead me to become a more patience Mother (I will have so much less stress without you) and I will be with someone who truly loves me in every way. And when you leave me in the dust, the pieces I will be picking up will be "me", that you have broken. Those who do wrong and hurt others can only get away with it for so long, what comes around goes around, (aren't you experiencing that now Dear Husband)? You have to face the music someday. And God is a forgiving God.<P><BR>