My H isn't home and won't be for some time. He's out of state and incarcerated. To read a bit of background about our situation, read Husband Incarcerated, in this forum. <P>I've been feeling rather funky all day, not knowing what was needling me......feeling blue and so very lonely. He called home and we spoke for the full half-hour that he's allowed to talk. I told him that I wasn't feeling very positive about a reconciliation in our marriage due to the fact that I did not trust him nor did I think that I could ever trust him again. I also learned tonight that the OW had written him her last letter nearly six months ago and that threw me for a loop because I thought that he had told me that he was communicating with her about six months into his sentence. He's been down for a bit over two years now. Therefore, time time span of his noncommunication with her has lessened considerably. Perhaps I did misunderstand what he told me the first time. He also asked me not to ask him too many questions because he didn't want his honesty to hurt me any more than he already has by having a long-term E and P A with her. Hubby tried to impress upon me that he'll tell me everything in due time and he didn't want me to dwell on some of the issues without him physically being by my side. <P>I honestly feel that he wants to work things through but how can we do this living over a thousand miles from each other (and not by choice, believe me!!) He's had all the time in the world to think about the past and he sure is on a GUILT trip, to say the least. He does love me, but will that be enough to see us through this fiasco? I love him deeply. I also wish to save my marriage. Yet I sit here feeling empty and sad and full of gloom and doom. <P>Why does love hurt???

Oh, I am so sorry for your pain, GL. Have you read the articles on this site? They may help and give you some comfort. <P>Anyway, I will try to respond to you more tomorrow morning. Take care.

Wow, I am very sorry for your situation. I feel that it is possible for you two to work it out, but might be a bit more difficult. <P>Have you considered phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer Harley? They are a great assest and will keep you on the right track. <P>Meanwhile, I would try to identify those things that were wrong in the marriage and start working on yourself. How much longer will he be incarcerated?

Hi ya Raskal. Thank you for the reply. I've not had much success with getting a thread going.....LOL! My H has been in detention for the a little over two years now and is awaiting sentencing. His crime is non-violent and involves the transporting of illegal drugs. He could face a maximum of fifteen years but his legal team is certain that he'll most probably see five years at the the most or have "time served." I informed him when he was busted all those years ago that I would not desert him if he went to prison. <P>He had been out on bond for several years and had to return to the state in which he was charged for status conferences every three to six months. And, of course, the doom of his impending sentencing since his initial arrest has left the family stressed to the max. My H started going outside the home for relief of his anxiety that plagued him since day one. And........into the arms of another woman whom leased a rental home that both me and my H owned. Oh.....it gets better and better. He claims that he did not have an A with her until after she lived there for a year and a half. How gracious of him! She is also a party in the crime for which he is currently incarcerated. Her partipation was on the home-turf of the playing field; therefore, she was not punished as harshly. Together, their addictions created a deadly weapon. I honestly feel that if my H wasn't incarcerated, he'd be dead by either overdose, vehicle accident or suicide. He was way out of control.<P>He has been clean for the two+ years that he's been inside and claims that he's not heard from the OW for at least six months. And, he wants to work on our marriage. I just wonder if he is being truthful or whether the influence of his current residence has him wishing for the homelife that he discarded in place of "good times." Although I love him dearly, I can't forget all the pain that he's put me through and I vowed not to allow him to continually hurt me as he has in the past. <P>I plan to visit him in early summer and I will then be able to see his face as he talks to me. I hope to find the truth there! In the meantime, I plan to work with him and follow MB's steps to recouping the love that is buried beneath the rubbish that was created. I'll give it my best shot....<P>------------------<BR>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!<p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited May 25, 2001).]

Goodness, I am so sorry for your circumstances. It sounds like his incarcerated was a blessing in disguise for his physical well being. It is certainly a tough road to travel...to mariatal recovery, but wow...I feel for you. <P>Well, I say give it your best shot, like you say and try to vent and work through all the hurt on this board or in a journal (I would keep the journal away from all eyes and maybe destroy it after a bit). <P>I just love your signature line! That is so great. And so true. Anyhoo, keep posting and let me know how you are doing, please. <BR>

<<I just love your signature line! That is so great. And so true. Anyhoo, keep posting and let me know how you are doing, please.>><P>You betcha, Raskal! I must admit that I "borrowed" the signature line from a dear friend in a support group in which I'm a member for people with a loved one who is incarcerated. In fact, now that you mention this, I'm going to e-mail this special lady and let her know how much I appreciate her and her wit. <P>Thanks for being there......it means a lot to me!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!

You are more than welcome. I hope I can help in some small way. <P>The lady who you got that signature line must be a wonderful woman. <P>I will try and look around the site for some threads about people rebuilding their relationship from far away.

You're a trooper, Raskal! This situation with me and the H is unique in the fact that he's so far away yet wants to be home soooo bad that he can taste it. Then again, who would want to be where he is?????? <P>Any and all assistance is GREATLY appreciated! Thanks, again.......<P>------------------<BR>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!

Okay, I found an old thread that makes mention of a long-distance situation. Love Was Blind is the poster and cl is also a lady who recovered her marriage, even though he was away a great deal.<P>If you do a search on those two ladies, the threads might help you. I know cl still posts from time to time, but I am not sure about love was blind...<P>I hope this helps! <P>I had to edit this, just to post the link...DOH! Here ya go... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/005509.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/005509.html</A> <p>[This message has been edited by Raskal (edited May 29, 2001).]

Thanks Raskal........the link was good and I read the thread. I know that there are many in a situation where their SO is not living at home at the time. Mostly because Plan B is in effect. My situation is very, very unique and fortunately, the only one with such a dilemma as having a hubby behind bars. I can't remember the last time that I placed "first" in anything but I can tell you that there is nothing prideful in this standing.....LOL! <P>I've adjusted extremely well to our "living" arrangements although I miss him like crazy. It's not bad enough that we have to contend with his legal battles without having another major issue arise. He sure does keep my blood flowing.......and boiling!<P>BTW.....how do you add the hyper-link to your post? And the smiley faces? I'd ask my daughter, but she'd shame me for not trying to find out on my own.<P>Thanks for your research. You're a charm!!<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Good Morning, GL. <P>You are welcome....hopefully you will be able to do a good plan A from far away. There are some ladies who did plan A from far away....some were successful, others not. I don't think I have seen anyone in your situation, with their husband/wife incarcerated. I gather you were told/ found out about the affair after he was in? <P>The smiles legend is to the left when you are posting... <BR>I'll give you some examples: ; and ) equals <BR>: and ) equals this (no spaces between them) <BR>Anyhoo, just click on the Smiles Legend in red and it will give you all your options. <P>The hyperlink happens whenever you post a link (you won't see that it is hyperlinked, nor the smileys until you have submitted your post). <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ubbcode.html" TARGET=_blank>Here</A> is a link for other UBB Codes that you can use. <P>Those will be fun to learn/ use. <BR>I love that smiley!

Good Evening Raskal.......thanks for the info on the links and smilies. Hell, if it had been a snake, it would have bitten me.... <P>I had a good idea that my H was being unfaithful and took his answers of "absolutely not" with a grain of salt. I was really, really hoping that he was being above board. That was the naive me......the reasonable me knew he as being wayward. He didn't come clean with me until he had been incarcerated for a little over two years.....which was three weeks ago. Since he and I are now on the level with each other, he told me that he hasn't had any contact with the OW for at least six months. She was the last to write to him and he never answered her letter. He promised to send me her letter should she ever write him again. If only I could trust him to do this. Time will tell.<P>I spoke with him this evening and he reassures me that he wants me and only me. And I responded, "Of course you want me and your kids and your home because of where you are." He said that he wants to work on "us" and I have to give him the opportunity. I know that the going will be tough but, hey.....I'm in this for the long ride....LOL!<P>How's everything in your world today????<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited May 30, 2001).]

Good Evening to you, GL. <P>You are more than welcome on the smileys and such. I love this one, too! <P>I know what you mean by being naive and accepting with a grain of salt, but knowing that something is amiss. That must be hard for you, with him so far away. Second guesses yourself, you probably can't get the reassurances that you need/want...<P>That is good you are ready for that LONG ride. You can do it! <P>My day was kinda yucky at work, but very glad I am off now. It is hard to hear negative, negative, negative (from co-workers about work stuff) most of the day and still try to be upbeat and positive, ya know? Thank you for asking! <P>I am glad you got to talk to your husband today....<P>How about you...hanging in there?<P>

Yep......I'm hanging "tough" but in there none the less! I just received a long letter from him that further explains his reason for being honest with me at this point in time. I'm not buying all the things that he states because I can read his "selfishness" in some of the parts that he writes. For instance, he states that he's not in a proper frame of mind to rehash all this and give me the answers that I deserve.....WHAT rubbish is that? I understand that he is under the pressure of the DOC and that his court date is quickly approaching but what about my feelings on the topic. What about my needs to know? It's always about him and that's okay with me for right now. He does mention in his letter that he's not good at writing about his feeling nor talking about them either.<P>As it stands, he knows nothing about Dr. Harley's theories but he's going to be getting his first dose of the same very soon. I plan to include a few pages in the letters that I write to him. I just hope that the mail is allowable and not considered contraband as some printed items are deemed. <P>Glad to see your happy face <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Hi GL! <P>I am glad you received a long letter, but I agree...part of what he wrote IS rubbish! Not sure what sort of rubbish, but rubbish none the less. <P>Are you concerned that he is still in contact with her, due to his "frame of mind" that he used to explain why he couldn't give you the details you need? (Did that sentence even make sense?? Sorry if it doesn't)<P>I am really sorry he is not more forthcoming. Yes, he has some concerns on his mind, but one would think that repairing his marriage and doing ANYTHING to make it better would be on the top of his list. But, it all sounds very much like my husband after he betrayed me. He didn't want to give me any details, didn't want counseling...nothing. I guess it is the fog talking. But, I didn't know about Dr. Harley and Marriage Building back then. <P>Hopefully with these wonderful tools, your husband will start being Open and Honest. You still sound really good, positive and upbeat. Can I call you the unsinkable Louise? <P>Anyhoo, always good to hear from you. Keep hanging in there...I know you will.

<<You still sound really good, positive and upbeat. Can I call you the unsinkable Louise?>><P>Call me whatever you want, just don't call me late for supper.....an old adage.....sorry, I couldn't resist. I'm treading water and have been for a long, long time so I'm pretty damn good at it. The missiles that have been torpedoed towards me have either missed or scraped me for the most part. If they had landed as designated......I'd be dead. I'm a survivor......despite my feelings of the opposite.<P>I got another costly opportunity to speak with my "beloved" this evening and he asked if I'd finally received his letter (he must be SO proud of his revelations.....LOL) and I assured him that I did receive his letter and that I was in the midst of responding to the same only to be interrupted by his phone call. I questioned him about some ambiguity in his language. He informed me that his thinking has since changed between the time of his penning the letter and my receiving the same (cough......."COP OUT".....cough) He does love me...has always loved me and knows that he has a problem that needs to be probed. I believe that it's his self-esteem and his drug addiction. He needed approval for his drug consumption ( and got it from her because she, too, is addicted) and someone who would not remind him of the devastation of drug (over) use.<P>He has been clean for over two years. He misses the high and he misses his "partner" in crime because he associates her with being high. That is where his problem lies. Drugs/Dawn........Drugs/Dawn......Drugs/Anyone.<P>It's an uphill battle that has to be fought.......thank God that I'm just a cheerleader......LOL!<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GeezLouise:<BR><B>Call me whatever you want, just don't call me late for supper.....an old adage.....sorry, I couldn't resist. I'm treading water and have been for a long, long time so I'm pretty damn good at it. The missiles that have been torpedoed towards me have either missed or scraped me for the most part. If they had landed as designated......I'd be dead. I'm a survivor......despite my feelings of the opposite.<P>I got another costly opportunity to speak with my "beloved" this evening and he asked if I'd finally received his letter (he must be SO proud of his revelations.....LOL) and I assured him that I did receive his letter and that I was in the midst of responding to the same only to be interrupted by his phone call. I questioned him about some ambiguity in his language. He informed me that his thinking has since changed between the time of his penning the letter and my receiving the same (cough......."COP OUT".....cough) He does love me...has always loved me and knows that he has a problem that needs to be probed. I believe that it's his self-esteem and his drug addiction. He needed approval for his drug consumption ( and got it from her because she, too, is addicted) and someone who would not remind him of the devastation of drug (over) use.<P>He has been clean for over two years. He misses the high and he misses his "partner" in crime because he associates her with being high. That is where his problem lies. Drugs/Dawn........Drugs/Dawn......Drugs/Anyone.<P>It's an uphill battle that has to be fought.......thank God that I'm just a cheerleader......LOL!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I like your old adage, I haven't heard it in awhile... <P>That must be hard to have the two (Drugs and Dawn/Anyone) intermingled. I haven't ever taken any drugs (other than prescribed medicine in the manner it was prescribed) so I don't know how that would work. It sounds like he longs for that high, just like a smoker sometimes longs for a cigarette? <P>Well, at least you got to hear his voice and talk to him a bit more. Did he mention when he would be willing to be "probed?" His mind/emotions that is. <P>Cute analogy, you being the cheerleader.... <P>