I discovered, through my own investigation, recently that my W was having an EA, that may or may not have gone physical. My W is a SAHM and up until 2 months ago had never lied to me. During the 2-month fling, she lied again and again. On our last D-Day (there were three) she confessed that she just needed an ‘escape’ from taking care of the children, and that she had been depressed.<P>After we talked (and talked and talked) I changed my work schedule so to 6-2:30 and am home daily around 3:15 (previously I didn’t get home until after 5) and am working hard to show her more affection (as per HNHN). She has never been totally honest with me about what happened with OM, I only know what I do because of my own investigations. I have to wonder now, if the chips are down again will she tell me the truth? Sure things are 'new again' now, but what about in 6 months or another 10 years? Now I am stuck.<P>I am to the point where I am afraid to do anything that will take me away from my family at all. This includes activities with the church, friends, etc. I never did much outside of our family, and have always worked hard to make life good for her: I give her back rubs, let her sleep in on weekends, take the kids out so she can do homework, suprised her with flowers, letters, provide financially, do a large portion of the house work and yard work, etc. (Did all of this BEFORE the A) She rarely reciprocates any of the affection, and now I am working harder than ever on our relationship, but don’t really feel that she is putting out much effort at all.<P>Last night I asked her to talk to me about when she is feeling depression, anxiety, so on, so that I had some kind of barometer to know if she was leading up to a need to ‘escape.’ I didn’t get any kind of commitment out of her.<P>I am frustrated by this whole thing. I am the one reading the books, and working on our relationship while I feel like she is skating. I always thought that I would be what ‘every woman’ always wanted: a guy to talk with, who shows affection, wants a serious and committed relationship, and bends over backwards for her. <P>I guess that in every relationship there are two type of people: the needy and the non-needy. Perhaps I am the former. My wife constantly jokes that our relationship is a one-way street. This isn't funny to me since it seems to be so close to the truth.<P>Okay people, I need to know if I am alone in this observation and in this situation. Dr. Harley says that she had the A because HER needs were not being met. <P>BH and BWs –<BR>Do you feel that you were not meeting your spouse’s needs? Were you working hard already and are now working harder? When you found out about the A, did your spouse starting putting effort into the relationship or did they let you do the work and just ‘skate.’<P>WSs-<BR>Does this sound familiar or is this too one-sided? Did your S not ‘work’ hard enough? When is it enough? What did YOU do to make things right?<P>Women in general-<BR>I have always thought I could be the perfect 'guy' for my wife. Well it seems that what women 'want' and what they REALLY want are two different things. From my observations women don't really want a guy who shares his feelings, is there for her, and wants a deep, affectionate, committed relationship. If this were in case why would my W 'need' to have the A? Perhaps I need to not meet her needs so much, not talk about anything deep, and show her little or no affection. Maybe this will get a response and make her put some effort into our relationship. Maybe Dr. Harley got it wrong?<P>Kale-IM

Halelula (sp??) Brother,<P>You described part my situation and things I have wondered to a tee. I work my butt off for my wife, my son, for me and for us and in return I get grief and coldness. My W has acknowledged that I do work hard, I care, I am affectionate, I am sincere, but I get treated like crap. What has happened?<P>I must say that since I have made a real effort at plan A (about April 7ish). Things have improved. The coldness is turning to luke warm and there is baby step progress, but I don't know. There is a definite uneveness to the workload in our household. Both in physical work and emotional.<P>All I can do is try to change things bit by bit. And it is an approach that seems to be working.<P>Signed,<P>Shaking my head

I don't think that the Harley's "got it wrong"...<P>There are givers and there are takers...<BR>...and the balance between the 2 is sometimes hard.<P>When one spouse is so stuck in either mode...<BR>...they need an external push.<P>Counseling seems to be in order...<BR>...possibly some "medication" for her depression as well.<P>A strong connection in some "faith" based system/religion/whatever... that emphasizes the covenant of the marriage... and mutual self-giving... could help alot too!<P>A point to start with would be <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<BR>...and in particular... you opening up to her... your <B>honest</B> feelings... of <B>not being taken care of</B>!<BR>Does she really know how <B>you</B> feel... and what your needs are... and <B>what</B> (specifics now) she could do for you.<P>I'll be honest... I too was a big time giver...<BR>...and should have told my xW of my needs much more often!<BR>Honesty is hard when you need to ask for something...<BR>...but it is as important as any other kind of honesty.<P> <P>Jim

Kale-IM<P>I read your post after reading your response to mine and we seem to be in identical situations. My wife does work 50 to 60 hrs in a week but I also work and go to school. And your feelings seem to be identical to mine. I atleast can appreciate that I'm not the only one out there. I've been honest with her about how I feel and she has really come down hard and it seems that she has the same reasons of needing the "escape." <P>I guess we both are at the same point. So I'm sure I'll be reading the replies to your post frequently.<P>Ronsl