Thanks for all the help.<P>Ronsl<p>[This message has been edited by Ronsl (edited June 04, 2001).]

Ronsl-<P>I have been through something very similar and have had to make some of the same choices: do you confront the OW and do you tell his wife.<P>The night I decided to confront the OM I was in a red rage. I am VERY glad that his brother wouldn't let me see him, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. If you do confront him, don’t do anything that might put you in jail.<P>After much pondering I did e-mail his wife. I made the decision primarily base on two things:<BR> 1) If I was the OS then I would want to know.<BR> 2) I felt morally obligated to do so.<BR>When I told her she did not believe me. Actually, I think that she didn't WANT to believe me. But after much pondering she did finally confront him, and he smoothed it over. I am certain that he played the whole thing down.<BR>If I had to do it over, I again would tell her, but I would have provided copies of some of the more....explicit e-mails.<P>Also, telling the OM's wife does one other thing: it gets him distracted from your wife. He now has the problem of dealing with his marriage and his mistrustful, angry wife, which could help him see the light. It also could give you someone to work with who is directly involved in the situation. They will certainly understand your position.<P>A word of warning though: you are probably emotionally vulnerable. Do not get too high of hopes of his wife being very receptive to the news. She is VERY likely to rebuff you at first (as happened with me). You should be prepared for this.<P>I hope this gives you another perspective from someone who has been there.<P>Kale-IM<P>

Thanks Kale-IM for your input. <P>Ronsl<p>[This message has been edited by Ronsl (edited June 04, 2001).]

As well,I think i'm going to start looking and possibly posting in the PlanA forum. I'll still check here though.<P>Ronsl

Ronsl-<P>It seems like you are now going through what I went through less than a month ago. My wife and I had 3 D-Days, each time she professed a desire to reconcile and leave the OM. And each time I caught her again e-mailing and calling him. At one point she actually tried to archive all their correspondence to a 'secret' account; fortunately I had the username and password (unbeknownst to her) and deleted the messages. She really had to make a clean break.<P>It was so hard trying to keep them apart, monitoring, and being suspicious. After weeks of this she one day decided that she was going to really make a clean break. I found all the printed correspondence shredded, her e-mail purged, and no more phone calls.<P>Things have been a lot better lately, but I still watch and wonder if she is sincere or if she is just a lot better at hiding it. I honestly believe that she is sincere, but trust is difficult to come by since she lied to me so much.<P>I don't know if you have read 'His Needs Her Needs' yet, but one of things that Dr. Harley said has really given me hope. I think it was in the last chapter he stated that men tend to have affairs and always be in love with the OW forever. Whereas women who have affairs, tend to get over the OM and not have any feelings for him again. I know it is a stereotype, but it gives me comfort.<P>I saw your posting under Plan A, and I am praying for you and your wife. You need a lot of support and strength right now, and believe it or not your wife needs you. If not for you, she would flush the marriage and only later realize what a terrible mistake she has made.<P>I have one more piece of advice and that is to think about adjusting your schedule. My wife needed and 'escape' since I was gone so much (school and work just like you). I decided that my marriage and family was more important than my career so I am now working earlier (and sleeping less). I also put my school schedule on hold for a while. I have decided that it is a matter of priorities, and my family needs to come first.<P>I will be praying for you.<P>Kale-IM