What a fine mess I've gotten myself into! My probem is that I know too much about my W's EA/PA and it is slowly killing me. This is compounded by the fact that she dosen't know that I know. Or at least I don't think she does. <BR>This all began late last year, I noticed a change in her less affection, no sex or sleeeping together, moody, etc. then in January we had a big blow up and she told me how bad a person she thought I was. Well this really hurt me and I reacted badly by just shutting down all communication, , which I know now was the wrong thing. I started going to counseling to see if I could make things better. This went on for a couple of months and I started getting suspicious (male intuition?) I noticed she had been keeping a journal. I had to come home from work early one day and she had left it out on a coffee table. Well my curosity got the best of me and I read it (in spite of my counselors advice, she said if I wanted to get hurt to read it-she was right) Like I said I had my suspicions but really though that no not my W she would never do that. Well there it was in all the gory details-my suspicions confirmed!<BR>Now my problem is I feel that I have broken HER trust by snooping around and I she finds this out It will be a BIG LB. You see, the way I've tried to deal with this is to try and lead her from Witdrawal back to Intimacy (Re:Three States of Mind in Marriage)but I don't know if that can work if we don't deal with the affair itself. It is true that I was not meeting her ENs- I was blind to a lot of things but I realy want to save our marriage. I believe that if I reveal what I know and all the means I've used to find it out (I'm a fairly good snoop)she will see it as big a betrayal as her affair. Meanwhile I'm trying to correct many of the behavors she didn't like and be a good husband/father I write her poems, send cards/flowers, and tell her I love her and do a ot around the house. The only way we seem to be able to talk much is through e-mail. I am getting few signs of encouragement from her, no/or little eye contact, moody/angry much of the time and still secretive (one of the thing that made me suspect is that she got her own screen name and password when this all began) lots of other things-too much to go into here. <BR>Anybody out there got any suggestions? Do I tell her what I know?

I think that you need to be honest with her that you have this information. You have been proven right about the affair so you do not need to apologize for gathering the information to prove her adultry. Committing adultry and invading her privasy to find out are the same thing. Only dealing with the affair openly and honestly can the marriage be restored if at all. Good Luck.

Glassheart:<BR>I made the mistake of not confronting my W right away. She knew something was seriously wrong with me but I wouldn't tell her what. I revealed a little at a time (each time an LB for her) mainly because I couldn't beleive it was happening to us and I didn't know how to deal with it. In retrospect, I would have gathered enough solid proof and laid it right on the table, so to speak. Do it in the most loving way you can. It might take all the control you have. <P>I prolonged my agony and at the same time, she became MUCH better at hiding it, lying and denying, etc. Read and implement your plan of attack (Plan A). I'm STILL unravelling this mess and it's been 7 months since my D-Day (I found out similar to they way you did). Stay strong and good luck. Keep posting for support and venting.<P>IFS/Mark

Thanks for the input. I'm still unsure of what to do. I'll pray about it. <BR>One of the things that bothers me most is that I firmly believe the affair is over but she still seems to consider our marriage almost hopeless. She says she has grown in a different direction and that we don't want the same things now. In her e-mail she asks the question "What future can we have if we don't want the same things". I feel she has zero commitment to our marriage. <BR>She has been a stay at home mom for the last 13 years and that required some sacrifices. She seems to have become very materialistic. About the time the affair began she went and got a job and didn't discuss or even tell me about it for almost 2 months.<BR>I can understand her need for material items and I feel that it does not have to destroy the marriage. I wish she could compromise but she feels she has comppromised for the whole time we have been married.<BR>She does not enjoy spending time with me and says that must change. I feel I'm peddaling as fast as I can to try and meet her needs-but I get nothing in return but I have also decided that for this to work I mauy have to accept that condition for a while-but Oh God how long! It is very difficult to maintain my composure sometimes and the somtimes I don't. I've been doing a lot of crying in the garage. There are times when she seems so cold and cruel but I know that she is really a wonderful persaon that I love dearly.<BR>She also says at this point she is just staying for the kids and that she is putting herself last and that only time will tell. <BR>Thanks for listening

Hi Glassheart:<P>Finding a journal on your communal coffee table is not quite the same as hiring a private eye. There are degrees of snooping, and I think if you have strong suspicions about an A (something which affects your own life deeply), then a little digging is warranted. I agree with those who say, come forward with what you know.<BR>Very best of luck.

Glassheart,<P>It seems there is more wrong than just the affair. Have you done some reading here? I hope that you have, if not go to NSR's general greeting here. Also read Surviving an Affair by Harley, it will help you see the steps going on here.<P>Let me take a few guesses. One, your W is not normally a taker. Two, before this affair should would have viewed someone having an affair as a very "evil or shameful" person. <P>If those guess are even close, she is probably dealing with a lot of guilt, she also had to bury her love of you to have the affair. She couldn't do this to you unless you "deserved" this kind of treatment.<P>Now, I believe it was RC that pointed out, that you didn't snoop through her private things but rather a journal she left out in the open. It seems to me very strange that you have had these feelings and she even kept a job from you, but she forgot to place her journal back.<P>My suspicion is that she wanted you to find it and expected you to find it. She couldn't tell you about the affair, but she needed to let you know. So it is likely you will get anger, treated as if you LB'd, but you didn't.<P>You did what she wanted. Now here is the good part. You know about her affair, you still love her, you still want her as your W,and YOU are willing to change. This carries a lot of weight. She won't admit it at first, but it you knowing all of this and still trying suggests that you can forgive her. You can can't you??<P>I would tell her immediately, but also point out that even knowing all of this, you do love her and forgive her. It will take time for the fog to lift. It will take time for the withdrawal (this is probably where she is now) to be over (3-6 months), but if you are strong you can win this one.<P>There is a post by SKM called her "chronicals" that deals with her recovery from her affair. Find it and read it. I believe she posted it in Feb. or March. You will see that she apparently felt like your W, although she wanted to stay with her H.<P>This can work. Be loving, be honest and definitely tell her what you know. It will do you no good to destroy the love you have for her with this secret, because your love is what is going to save this marriage.<P>Go for it, Glassheart.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hey guys thanks for the info. I haven't done it yet but I know I will have to. Over the weekend I had some long talks with a priest who is also a good friend and has always given me wise counsel. He said before I make any drastic moves I should check with my counselor. I;m due to see her this afternoon.<BR>I know this must all come out eventually but I am still questioning the usefullness of me forcing an admission from her. I would like for her to first confess her behavior to God (I can't say for sure she hasan't, but I also have no assurances/proof that she is not still involved with the OM). I think that is a good begining. Then her and I can deal with things better. <BR>A recent development is that last night she walked in the room whie I was looking through her purse. It started innocently-I was going to get a deposit slip from her checkbook and did a little more looking than I needed to, didn't find anything I didn't already know about. This is what I hate-the anxiety and parinoia, I feel it is destructive to me and to rebuilding the marriage. Perhaps that is why I should confront her. Why do I feel so bad about snooping around. I still feel I am betraying her trust.<BR>Phil McGraw was on TV last night, one thing he said in response to a similar situation is that the BS was still blaming himself for the WS's decision to have an affair. That the WS needs to be told by the BS what it did to him and how he felt about it. I can relate to this. Any comments?<P>Last week I found out that there is going to be a His needs/Her needs seminar at a local church. I asked her to go in one of my emails. When I asked if she thought about the seminar she said she was not ready for group counseling right now. <P>One thing I've learned is not to "bug" her about these issues-to have patience. So I didn't yesterday I asked her about individual counseling, we talked about it but she never said yes or no. At least I know she's thinking about it.<BR>Like I said I'll see my counselor today. But for now I'm just taking it one day/hour/minute/second at a time.<BR>Thanks<BR>Glassheart<BR>PS-foung a good prayer on WCMs post of May 22<BR>-I pray the Lord, Jesus Christ, gives me the strength and wisdom to know what to do. I pray for my wife that the Lord lets her see what is right and true. I ask the Lords forgiveness for my failings as a father and a husband and the He may bless me with a forgiving heart, a deeper understanding of my wifes needs, the ability to grow as a father and to grant me the qualities needed to be a good Christian man,husband and father. I pray for patience and a sense of calmness in our lives. The power of prayer cannot be denied. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Glassheart (edited June 06, 2001).]