Kale-IM had a comment from "His Needs, Her Needs" on RonSL's thread.<P>In one of the chapters, Dr. Harley advises that women will often get over feelings for the OM, but men can remain in love with the OW forever.<P>Why this huge discrepancy in reaction? BS and WS, what do you have to say about this concept?<P>I'd be very interested in some responses...<P>Robyn

I think that only happens rarely when the man <I>truly</I> falls in love with another woman. I don't know how to tell the difference between that love or the fogged up love of the affair.<P>Not sure about the women thing, though....

Funny that you mention this particular passage, but I had read about this revelation in another forum on MB and I did indeed question my husband on this particular statement. I asked if he'll always love the OW and he said "No" and then I asked if he is currently in love with the OW and he replied, "No, never was." And I believe that he was being honest. <P>If this is true.......why is he confused about his relationship with her? Why did he do it in the first place. Is love second to NONE? Why bother?????????? Does this mean that I'm in pain over.......nothing? DUH.....I don't think so...TIM!<P><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited June 01, 2001).]

The quote from Dr. Harely mentioned here seems really weird. The only reason behind it that I can see is that when women are intimate with someone perhaps they fall in love much easier then men? I do believe that when men have affairs it is usually about their own ego and lust, not love. So maybe when a man truely falls in love with the OW it is a very deep love.<P>GeezLouise, it is totally possible that your husband never loved the OW. My husband says the same thing. I've heard of many men who say this. So does that mean you are hurting over nothing? No, not at all. Your husband, like mine, had his affair because his emotional needs that were not being met. He was hurting in some very real way and the affair was the bandaid. So you are hurting over your husband's unmet emotional needs. <P>And why was he confused about his relationship with her? When people have affairs, they use two people to fill all of their own emotional needs. So the two become one entire person meeting all the needs. If he gave her up, without you taking up the slack and filling all his needs, then he would be left hurting again with unmet needs.<P>I've been struggling with exactly these same questions. Answering you has brought me some clarity. Thanks....<P>Z<p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited June 02, 2001).]

Zorweb.......you are absolutely correct! My H was using the OW to meet the needs that were not being met at home. Unfortunately, many of those needs were to have someone to "party" with and I would not cross over into his addiction. After pondering this for a bit, I've come to the conclusion that my H is emotionally frustrated in the fact that the OW ended the relationship before he had the opportunity to do so. His ego is bruised and he feels used......DUH!!! He's having a difficult time swallowing a dose of his own medicine. He had been forewarned about the ambitions of his OW but he proceeded to delve into the darkness. And he got burned.<P>Thanks for clarifying things for me. I appreciate your thoughts.<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><P><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited June 02, 2001).]

I got the line from my husband that he was in love about one OW of his. That was then, but now he says he was never in love...must've been the fog talking.<P>I just gotta share this. This OW was my best friend in Jr. High, she moved away with her family beginning of High School, came back with her family after High School was done. She was a volunteer Sunday School teacher, got involved with my husband a few years later, knew he was married and married to ME. She was a virgin and would not go all the way if I was still living there. Once my husband booted me out, she put out and started living there. I still have REAL problems forgiving her. <P>Thanks for letting me do my vent....

Ok I need to jump in here so bear with me ....<P>There is so much talk about the "why's" of A's. Everytime the subject of the WS emotional needs are not being met. I know you all can not answer this for me, but my H tells me that is was not about any of his needs not being met... so why then did he do it?? OW would tell my H that she loved him. He told me that he would say it back to her, but he does not feel he loved her. Then he proceeds to tell me that she never judged him. Asked me if I ever had the feeling of someone in a crowd looking at me and then I find that person and our eyes meet (that is how he felt about her) ... she looked right through him... ok so what is that all about? Is this an example of the "fog"? <P>I just get so fustrated about trying to find out what I was doing to maybe have "caused" this whole nightmare. When I ask him why he did it, his reply is "I was just attracted to her". So tell me, am I the only BS that is told that it has nothing to do with me?? Help, this is all so confusing! Thanks for letting me vent.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Thanks All!<P>These type of opinions give me so much to think about.<P>R.

Robyn,<P>Some insight please. See my own thread started right after this one titled:<P>Just found out...AGAIN