Wife and I had been having problems, and now that I look back on it i dhould have seen the signs that she was trying to teel me that she did something wrong, that was 4 months ago and it has gotten worse, she moved out and I finally got her to admit to her cheating on me. We have been married for a wonderful 3 years until she did this, she was making all kind of excuses for wanting to leave and to divore, she was blaming me for things I did when I was 14 and other things. But she was just trying to hide the guilt for what she did. I still love her and I told her I could forgive her if she wanted to try. An she asked how could I forgive her after what she has done and I told her becasue your my wife and you mean everything to me, she said she has filed for divorce all the while she was telling me she was crying, and then I asked her what the next step was and she said she didn't know. So I need some advice on how to let her know I love her and I own't hold this over her head 10, 20 years from now. I miss her so much and I know she is feeling so guilty right now and she is running in circles. HELP

I am sorry to hear of the pain you are in. There are many here on this web site who can understand it because we have all been there.

Weekends are slow here so don't impatient. For some reason the General Guestions II forum has more activity then the others. I think it is because that's where the home page takes a person. So many get directed there from the get go.You might want to try posting over here too.

You have come to the right place. Start by reading all of the information on this web site. Buy the book "Surviving An Affair". It will give you a road map on how to proceed to put your marriage back together. It works.

Good Luck

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 12:41 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Welcome <B>gporter</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You can send her letters/e-mail/etc...<BR>...but don't come across as "needy" or "begging/pleading"...<BR>...this will never help!<P>Come across as a strong husband...<BR>...let her know that your love for her is strong now...<BR>...but a constant attack by her... will weaken it.<BR>(this doesn't give her carte blanche to attack you...<BR>...but she would have figured out how much she can hurt you and therefore your marriage... in time.)<P>Start counseling...<BR>...consider <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>MB telephone counseling</A>.<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. (<B>Not</B> necessarily to go forward with a divorce.) A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>Stay... read... ask... post...<P>You are not alone!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

She is only saying she wants a divorce becasue she can't forgive herself, so she says and I believe her, all she does is cry when I talk with her, She is so confused, I just want her to believe me that I do forgive her and we can start to rebuild without her worrying about the future of me leaving her down the road.

I know the pain you are in all to well. Perhaps you could let your wife know. One of the greates of human virtues is the ability to forgive. It not only frees the sinner but enriches the life of the one who has been sinned against. Holding on to old hurts accomplishes nothing.<BR>I have read this in a Dear Ann Landers column about an affair.<BR>Please let your wife know that you are truly forgiving and do your best to show her.

LOstinny,<P>Thanks for your advice, that lifted my head little. How do I show her with out pushing her away. I now know why she moved out and took 95% of everything and put it in storage, she was afriad if found out I would have kicked her out and she would have lost everything. How do I tell her that she has nothing to fear, if she wants to work it out then lets work it out. I have told her I forgive her and I told her my words wouldn't be enough to make her believe, she would have to come and see my actions to really know. I have told her if she wants to be with someone else, or if she doesn't want us anymore just to tell me and we can get on with our lives but she doesn't write back anything. This isn't the woman I married 3 years ago. I need help.

I wish I knew exactly what to say to help. Many people tell me to use a long distance plan A. Perhaps someone with more experience will come along. I am trying to get my H to leave the OW, that he moved in with, and I have 3 young children.<P>If you can go to plan A. I hope and pray you can save your marriage. I hope I can save mine.<P>lostinny

I've been there. Don't give up! My husband said he was going to file. He never did. He cried when we talked.He was so depressed. Get yourself into counseling. Get her to go alone and with you. It took my H nine months to finally realise that he needed counseling. I forgave him when i found out. I remember how much crying I did. My family was so very hurt and devistated. I stopped working for a full year. Time heals. Just be patient. Don't force yourself on her. Time is what you have. It may run out. But you do have time. Send her a note saying "just thinking about you". You will be amazed what will happen. Take is slow. she will come back. Be friends to her. Good Luck!<BR>Seaside

I sent a emial to my wife saying I can't keep letting her string me along. All I get for answer from her is that she doesn't know. But now I find out she is in New York with a so called friend, that is looking for more and maybe is getting more already. She picked up her cell phone but she wouldn't say where she was at. But I found out. She is lying to all of her friends and even her mother about what she has done, when she was trying to put all the blame on me for her reason of not trying to fix our marriage, instead of telling them the truth about her sleeping with someone. I'm hangin on by treads. I told her in the email that I love her and I don't want a divorce but I can't keep telling her my feelings with no response. I need advice on what to do.

I hate to say it, but I think you need to do what is best for you. Listen to your instincts. You can only give her so many chances, so many opportunities to come out of the cold. I get the feeling, and I dont want to discount your love for her, but, she is going to allow you to hang on out there until she is done looking and/or playing. I believe you are right in that it was fear to begin with, but now, she is lying to everyone for a different reason. I do not trust that everything she says is truth anymore. It sounded good for awhile, but it may be time to face facts. Thus far, you have given her the control of the relationship by letting her dictate the terms. Maybe it is time for you to decide what you will and will not accept. I understand loving her, but right now, she is taking advantage of the situation, and you. I wish you the best of luck!!<P>R