I found out about my husbands internet affair on Saturday Apr 21,2001. My son was supposed to clean the yard and was slacking off in getting it done. My husband criticized him on his committment to family and good work ethic. My son blurted back well at least I have only I family to be committed to dad who's K___? My heart stopped and my two oldest children went quiet and my daughter said not like this. He should have told her not us. I looked at my husband and he tried to deny that he knew what they were talking about. Needless to say after much yelling and discussing I finally was told the truth. Our four kids packed up and vacated to friends houses so we could yell and scream in peace. I headed to the computer to investigate. I found that he had had many afairs and cyber chats over the last five years. I e mailed the two special ladies and told them I had all of their correspondence and that they had better split or be named in the divorce action. One split the other the new one tried to justify their affair as only friends on-line nothing more. I told my husband that he had to end things with her and that I was outta here. He cried when he thought I was going. We have talked out hearts out and revealed everything about our lives to each other. The day he told her he could not be her friend anymore I let him have time to compose the letter. While at costco I found a book on grieving. I knew that for him to let go he would grieve so I bought the book. When I got home he let me read the e-mail. When he looked into my eyes he broke down. He didn't know why. I did he had fallen in love with her. I knew that if I made him break it off he would sneak back. They had made plans to meet in person but he chickened out cause he loves me too much and knew I would not forgive a physical affair. We purchased the books His Needs Her Needs at our health food store. We then sat down together to read it. He kept getting this look in his eyes and I realized that he was worring about her. She had some tough times coming up and he was worried about her. We ordered in Love busters and the workbook from our store at the same time We ordered her a set of books as well. I know that I must sound like a nut but if he isn't sure she is ok he will worry and try to contact her. She has marriage problems and we hope the books will help her too. My husband has not gone near the computer or her since. But she e mails us all the time to let us know all is OK Since last night I have blocked her access to our computer. My husband is trying but I am so angry at him that I am having a tough time getting past this. How can I control the anger we are not religious and we cannot really afford a councellor. We went to our Dr and he told me I had an anger problem. Damn right I do my hubby cheated on me. He said he could understand why. I almost dropped the Dr.<BR>How can I keep from getting mad and get back to normal. <BR>Please help with inexpensive ideas. We need help. She is out of his life now but I am still insecure. I believe he will keep his promise to me. We are married 19 years most of them great. We have a lot to work on but we are trying.<BR>any hints would be appreciated.<BR>

Welcome <B>WorkingonUS</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... (as spelled out in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>If you're not religious...<BR>...does that mean you can't start on a search for some of those "deeper" beliefs?...<BR>...a new discovery... could put you on a more commited track.<P>About anger...<BR>Check out the following books:<BR><B>Anger Management:</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0806509376" TARGET=_blank><B>Anger : How to Live With and Without It</B></A> by Albert Ellis <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1879237970" TARGET=_blank><B>Angry All the Time :</B> An Emergency Guide to Anger Control</A> by Ron Potter-Efron, Ronald T. Potter-Efron <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800786467" TARGET=_blank><B>Getting the Best of Your Anger</B></A> by Les Carter<BR></OL><P>I hope that helps.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 10:25 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Thanks for the words of encouragement. My hubby and I filled out the Emotional needs questionaire and the Love busters questionaire. Dr Harley is a god send to us. I guess I do have some faith but at the moment it is feeling a little frayed. I need to get the book on how to survive an affair. We already have plan A in the works without knowing it was plan A. He has cut off all contact with her and is focusing all of his attention on US and the family.<BR>I hope and pray that all will work out thanks for the anger management books. I will look for them too. I need help with the anger.

I am not a professional, and God knows I have some work to do on me too in order to help with my partners anger at what I did. You were kind enough to answer me, and I believe I can be of help to you in some small way. <P>First of all...dont be afraid of the anger. It is natural and as much as he had to grieve over his ending the affair, you need to feel and experience that anger over his betrayal. Set aside time to journal about it and be totally open and honest about how you feel in the journal...give it to your husband and let him read how you feel. It will help him to understand, and it will help to keep you from throwing things up in his face when you are angry. We, as humans, have a way of wanting others to hurt when we do....*S*<P>Second...with all of the talking and reading you two are doing, and I commend you soooo much, maybe...setting aside some time for your own personal anger sessions can help too. Begin by agreeing that this nite or that nite...or part of each nite...you will be allowed to say what you are feeling, thinking, or wanting...and he must listen...no comments...just listen...so he will understand the depths of your anger. <P>I believe there is only one way to deal with anger....GET IT OUT!! Only by getting it out constructively can it be dealt with properly. <P>I hope this helps even a lil bit!! And thanks again for your help too!! <P>Trueheart

Trueheart we must be kindred spirits that is exactly what I did today I bought a bought on how to manage anger. We talked for about half and hour about how I felt and then we gave each other these really great massages I found a book on intimate massages. It was wonderful. I thank you for writing I am finding this forum is the best medicine. It is nice to know we are not alone. Thanks for thinking of me. Let me know what else works for you. We are willing to try everything to see if we can't make things right .<P>Things are looking up as long as we can keep moving forward we will succeed<BR>Good luck and god bless.<BR>Barb

Congrats to you Barb...keep moving forward!! Like you, I am finding that reading of others and their struggles not only lets me know I am not alone, but keeps me focused on what is right. I told my partner this is like having my own *support group*. If anyone out there thinks this stuff isnt real or doesnt work, they are dead wrong!!! I had the most amazing and positive interaction with her today. After reading *Putting an end to an affair*, I did what Dr. Harley suggested, and what my partner requested in writing an email that explained my sorrow at what I had done, how I was sorry for dragging her into it, that I love my partner and intend to work on things with her and that there would be no further contact from me. I got a call yesterday from the OW leaving a message on my voice mail to give her a call. My first instinct was *oh s..t*, what now? I have to admit, I was torn as to what to do. I knew I had told her in the email, I would not be contacting her any further, but my question was, *Do I tell my partner she called, and that I did not return that call, nor did I want to?* or *Do I just let it lie and hope it goes away and she doesn't call back?* I struggled with that decision all morning and my stomach was in complete knots over it. Then I remembered reading about the complete honesty that was needed in rebuilding things and I decided there really was no choice. I could do the right thing and be proud of me, so I told her. I have never been so scared, nor so relieved as I was after telling her. The funny thing is we tend to do the bravest things in our life, when fear is involved. My partner was loving, caring and she thanked me for telling her. She asked how the call made me feel, and I told her that I had no intentions of calling OW and that my focus was on us. If anyone else out there is reading this and has done what I did...not only does the coming clean help you to begin recovery, it helps your partner to know you are trying. It lets them know that you find them important enough to share something so scary with them. And the bottom line is, its the right thing to do. Hide nothing from them and you can never get caught doing the wrong thing. I know we have a long way to go, but today was a big and wonderful first step in the right direction. Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to share with you something good and the funny thing is, it may help deal with some anger from time to time if he tells you of anything that happens out of the ordinary and shares his feelings about it. Talk to you later!!<P>Trueheart

Thanks true heart. The OW e mailed us yesterday and thanked us for the books we sent to her. She is working on her marriage and things are looking up for her. That is a relief to me cause if she is ok my hubby will quit worrying about her. She seems like a nice person and if she and I had met first I know we would have become great friends.<BR>My hubby is also going the total honesty route and it is the only way to go.<BR>Good luck to you and keep up the conversations they will be the best medicine there is .<BR>Barb<BR>

Hey Barb...<P>I am really happy for you!! It sounds like things are headed in the right direction!! I am having some trouble in a couple of areas...<P>The idea that its a ONE way street is bothering me. I guess I feel like I deserve to be *abandoned* and the old adage *if it is to be, it is up to me* does seem deserving. My problem with that idea is that, without her input, I am going to make more mistakes and errors in judgement that may push her away. It's like a dangerous game of Russian Roulette, if that makes sense. I may make decisions along that way, that inadvertently flood her with negativity...kind of like the *if you love me, then....* theme, ya know?<P>The other thing is that it is all so fresh, when does the recovery begin for the BS? There has to be some grieving process here, right? I mean, BSs dont just go from hurt and anger to recovery, without working through that? How do you get past the intimacy part without first remembering your partner with the OP? <BR>I guess with discovery, comes a whole new group of issues?? Please, help me make some right choices where she is concerned!! <P>Talk to you soon!!<P>Ron

Thanks for the reply. I have ordered the book Surviving an affair. It will be in soon. Can't wait to read it. Thanks for the reply. Keep up the honesty and yoou will persevere. It is hard to sometimes hear the truth but it will work out if you are both honest. Key word is BOTH. We are doing well and have up and down days but more are up.<BR>Barb