Hello everyone,<P>Like many of you I never, ever thought that I would be sitting here typing my story about adultery. However, I am here. This posting will probably be a long one. I need to get this out of my head as I progress along the long path of recovery. Please read my posting, long as it may be. The purpose is mainly part of my self-healing. My story may be very similar to someone elses story that perhaps you would like to share. Are there any good healing/dealing books out there? If you know of any that you feel should be noted, please do.<P>And now for the story.....<P>My wife and I met 9 years ago, I was 19 and she was 17. We dated for almost 3 years before we got married. We have been married for almost 6 years now. We were married when I was 21 and she was 20. We had always been happy. We were high school sweethearts. Both virgin and each other was our first if you know what I mean. Everyone thought of us as the perfect couple. Our wedding slogan was "Always and Forever". We had some rough times, but looking back those rough times were nothing compared to what I am faced today.<P>Two years ago I was hired by a company on a permanent basis doing work that I had studied and learned skills to do for a salary. Prior to this I had always maintained a job that paid hourly and involved shift work while I went to school.<P>When I was hired by the company I currently work for, it was truely a dream come true. We would finally have money to put away rather than accounting for every penny and trying to make ends meet. I can still picture the day when I returned from the final interview. It was a sunny warm day and my wife and kids were playing in the backyard. I ran in and gave her a huge hug and kiss and things seemed to be looking up for us.<P>While working for the company we began to associate with a variety of new friends who were similar in age and, some of which, had children like we did. This was sort of new to us. My jobs in the past never really had this.<P>As a child and teenager I never really had a lot of friends and I was OK with this. It never bothered me. I could always entertain myself. I was completely happy just staying home and watching a movie, and relaxing. My wife, on the other hand, didn't like that too much. She always needed the company of people other than her own family. She enjoys other peoples company.<P>Anyhow, we started to entertain more inviting this new group of friends over. They are all a great bunch of people all of whom we still hang out with and whom I work with. There was one individual whom my wife began to see she had a lot in common with. This man was married at the time and had a child of his own. He sits three cubicles away from my cubicle at work. He loved to talk on the phone and so does my wife. They began to chat on the phone together. I thought this was cool. Finally, I had some space. My wife was occupied, if I can say that, which left me to do things I had not been able to do in a long time because for the longest time it was just my wife and I and our kids.<P>The two of them flirted on the phone. They were kidding around and I knew that. The phone calls continued and email messages began back and forth. I was able to hear the phone conversations, but the email conversations took place during my work hours and so this put up a wall where I wasn't able to monitor what was being said anymore to see if it was still harmless fun.<P>I remember reading a few emails. My wife either passed a few on to me or allowed me to read them and they were becoming quite explicit. So much that I voiced my concern with my wife, however, she assured me they were all in fun. I trusted her and didn't think much of it.<P>The two of them began hanging out together. Especially because his marriage with his wife was over. He needed a shoulder to cry on and my wife lent hers. At times he would want to talk to her and she would go over to his house for a few hours and come back home later. They began to see movies together and go out to restaurants.<P>My wife was enjoying all of this because she was getting out of the house which she always wanted to do. She is a stay at home mother and in order for us to get out we always had to find a sitter or take the kids with us. Most times this was difficult so we just didn't bother. Now my wife could get out in the evenings because I would watch the kids. I was happy too because I could watch the shows I wanted to watch on TV and do what ever I wanted. Looking back now this became the problem because it turned into a way of life rather than just two friends going out occationally. I guess I turned a blind eye to their whole relationship. Now it certainly became hidden. I still heard the phone conversations, but I never saw the contents of the emails anymore nor did I know what was said during the conversations on the evenings out.<P>One day in January 2001, I came across a notebook that my wife kept. It wasn't a diary it was an adjenda book. However, my wife wrote in it as if it was a diary. Inside were details of the evenings the two of them spent together. The entries started off innocent. Things like "went to Boston Pizza for dinner" that was all. The entry then became more detailed noting where they went afterward usually back to his place where he gave her a massage. The entries continued to get worse as sexual activities were noted and my wife's feelings were noted as well.<P>This put me over the edge. I confronted my wife, however she sold me on her defense. My wife has a very creative imagination. She was always a good writer. Writing was her specialty. She sold me on the idea that this was all fictional, all fantasies and nothing more. She noted the fact that the book sat out, in the open, on top of our microwave. If the entries were true you would think she would have kept this book hidden. As trusting as I was I believed her, however, I began to loath their relationship.<P>Too many red flags were raised and I saw my wife drifting farther and farther away from me. My best friend, my lover, the mother of my boys was not there for me. She was spending time with another man while I stayed home to babysit and be alone.<P>Being a collegue of mine at work we worked together on a number of projects together. I welcomed him into my home under the fog cloud that I was in at the time. My kids liked him very much and they got along well with his child.<P>Everyone in our family could see that where there was smoke there was fire, except me. My wife's parents began to voice their opinion of the whole situation. As sort of a wedding present they purchased the home we live in currently, when we were married. The idea was that we would rent from them until I got a job that paid enough to allow us to buy it from them. However, they would not sell it to us now because this man was in my wife's life.<P>My wife became rebelious. The more her mother interferred in her relationship with this man, the more she spent time with him. My wife began staying over night at his appartment. At first it was just one night on the weekend. They would rent a few movies and watch them and instead of coming home at 2am she would just stay over and come home the next day. She would come home around 9am the next day, but that soon turned into 9pm. The one night at his place turned into an entire weekend. My wife would leave on Friday and I would see her Sunday night.<P>Eventually, it turned out that my wife was there all week. She would come home at 7:30am in the morning so I could leave for work and would leave with him once I returned from work at 5:30pm. They would use the new truck we bought and that I was paying for each month stranding me and our kids with no vehicle.<P>For the past two months that was my life. No wife. The woman I loved so dearly had abandoned me. At first I enjoyed the time away from her, but now I longed for her to be home with me, to look at me the way she use to, to sleep beside me, to make love to me with passion rather than simply providing her services. I genuinely missed her presence at home and realized how much I truely loved this woman because of all the hurt and betrayal I felt.<P>At this point I had suspisions of an affair. It was in the back of my mind, however I never thought about it. I mean when she walked out the door in the evening I never thought about what they did together, while they were together. I questioned this lifestyle and her answers were that she stayed at this man's apartment because of all the stress she was getting from her mother. She truely did not feel comfortable in our house because her parents owned it. She told me she loved me and that when she stayed over at his place he was in his bed and she slept on his futon in the living room and they would only watch movies together. Again, stupid me believed this. As I write this I can not believe how gullable I was.<P>There was a buzz at the office last week. Apparently, my wife and the other man were open about their relationship with his ex-wife. Since we are all in the same circle of friends and the men, including me, all work together, the rumors began to fly. Last Tuesday a collegue offered to drive me home rather than having me take the bus. On the way home he told me about the alleged affair. I got home and confronted my wife to tell me the truth and cut out the excuses. I flat out asked her if she slept with him and she said "yes". <P>Their first encounter was in March on the night of the company dinner and dance. I was in New York the whole week and had just returned at 6:30pm. Ironically, my wife came running from across the room, in the airport once she saw me, to jump into my arms and kiss and hug me. I don't travel very often this was only my second business trip in the two years I had been with the company. My wife got over excessively drunk and so did the other man that night. I got a call from the babysitter and left the party at midnight. The company was providing free cab rides that evening so I told her to cab it home once the party was over. I would relieve the baby sitter and attend to whatever was going on at home. My wife and the other man cabbed it back to his place, drunk as skunks, where they began to have sex for the first time.<P>I wrote the two of them very angry emails last week to simply vent. On Thursday of last week I confronted the man and we went outside to talk. We talked, non-violently, for 3 hours. It was there that I learned my wife was playing the two of us. <P>While with me she told me she was only staying with him because of the stress she was feeling from her parents and that she was uncomfortable living in a home they owned. She often told me she still loved me and gave me no reason to believe she wanted out of the relationship.<P>While with him, though, she used a different story. She claimed we had separated in January and had signed documents stating we were legally separated. The relationship between me and my wife was over and beyond repair. She told him that I was completely comfortable with the two of them and the activities they took part in. She even went so far as to say that I had began to date again and probably had slept with another woman. All of which were lies. I simply remained at home like a lost puppy waiting for my wife to come back home and love me again.<P>She lied and cheated on me. She never lied to me before. She was always very honest. It was one trait about her I could trust. That is probably the reason why I was in denial about the whole thing.<P>Nevertheless the man I work with feels he was lead to believe my wife and I were legally separated so it was alright to engage in sex with my wife. My wife claims we had problems and were separated since January. We were only separated in the sense that she wasn't living at home at night because of her own choice. I never wanted it that way.<P>So I am beginning therapy next week. My wife and the other man have agreed to end things. They will remain friends among the rest of our friends. My wife is willing to work things out with me. She has said she truely does love me. She is back living at home with me, however it has only been three nights.<P>My thoughts are consumed with questions and images of my wife and the other man. I love my wife even more it seems now. I find I am paying a lot more attention to her now. I live day by day. I was in a meeting this morning with the other man and one of my managers and I could not concentrate. All I could think about was my wife having sex with him. Will this ever end? How could my best friend, my lover, the mother of my kids, my high school sweetheart betray me? That is my story and where I stand today.<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

bluerodeoboy,<P>First, go read the general greeting by NSR or the posts by Onegoing in this section, Just Found Out. Next, get a copy of His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair both books by Harley and read them.<P>I am going to say somethings that I suspect you know but don't want to admit. Your W and OM (other man) can never be friends. In fact, they can never have contact with one another if you truely want to recover your marriage.<P>I sat and read your post and two overwhelming thoughts. One, this woman isn't a fit Mother, and you really don't care for her much. Otherwise, a lot of this behavior could/should have never occured.<P>You both need some serious counseling, now. You need to find out why it didn't bother you much that your W would abandon you and the children for a whole weekend, much less for weeks on end. She needs to understand why she would do what she did.<P>Please read a lot of the articles here. I would advice posting questions in the General Questions and perhas the Recovery sections of this site. You will obtain a lot of advice from many experienced people.<P>BRB, your marriage can be saved, but it is going to take a lot of work from both of you and there WILL be many ups and downs.<P>Please read the information here, and ask questions.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: It is possible that you will need to find a new job. I doubt that your job performance has/will be that good and you want a new job to get away from the triggers caused by the OM. It may be reasonable to speak with your supervisor about being separated from him. Tell the supervisor why. OM should definitely be out of your social circle. He has messed up in a big way and doesn't deserve your friendship or those of your friends.

Welcome <B>bluerodeoboy</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>A followup to <B>JL</B>'s excellent response... check out a previous post...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008480.html" TARGET=_blank>Why I think the WS should quit their job if they work with the OP</A>…..new_beginning…..4/22/2001<P><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Hey bluerodeoboy,<P>Wow! I thought there was alot of deception in my life.<P>Anyway, first things first. They cannot remain friends if you plan to rebuild in your marriage. There must be a no contact rule setup. Without this, it may be a lost cause to try and rebuild. Believe me on this one, my W and the OM both work with me and for 4 months we could not rebuild because she felt that they needed to remain friends. No way! If she cannot do this for you then you need to do some questioning as to why.<BR>Second, can you ever trust her again? That is a heck of alot to go through for you. Rebounding from that is possible but is it likely? Only you will know this answer. I have turned into a very untrusting husband and I don't like it one bit. I believe it will get better but if it doesn't I have to leave. It's her duty right now to reassure you that she wants you and the relationship, not yours. If she does not feel bad about what she did and tries to justify it, red flag!!<BR>Anyway, I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.<BR>We both have a long road ahead of us. Be strong.<P>Take care,<BR>Jab