Have been reading your posts since October. My first time on the forum. Husband of 27 yrs has affair since May. Found out Oct. 5th. Said he does not love me as he once did. Loves her more. Can't give her up. Used Plan A till Nov.30th. Couldn't take it anymore. Asked him to leave until OW out of his life. One week later told him not enough of marriage to work on to forget Jan 3rd meeting with counselor. Did not mean it, but did not tell him that. Did I do plan B to soon? Have to stay with it now, right? Should I tell him I did not mean it and I still love him and want to get together Jan 3rd.? If so, in a letter since I'm in plan B or wait till Jan 3rd. before I contact him? It's been 11 days. Growing weak, miss him sooo much. Had to smell his clothes last night. Holidays coming up. How do I get through. Help!

I am so sorry for you. This is such a painful experience! If you could not take what your h is doing any more without lovebusting, you did the right thing in going to Plan B. What you needed to do in going to Plan B was reinforce that you do love your h, but not what he is doint. Make sure that he knows that you love him. On the Jan 3 deal, talk to your counselor. Mine said that at counseling, I was there to work on me and it was up to me if I allowed h to attend. Of course he didn't want to attend but I did take that away from him by telling him the decision was not his, but mine. Hang tight through the holidays. Find something special for you! Surround yourself with people that will support you no matter what!

Welcome <B>Hurtin in Tx</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The weekends tend to be slow...<BR>I'm(Jim) sometimes here as the welcome wagon...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>. You've obciously done some research on this... good!<P>Especially in understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>!<P>When to move to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is always a very hot topic... Usually <B>only you</B> will really know. Judging from you comments though... I'd say maybe you did jump the gun a bit...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> should be used when you sense the love for your spouse is dropping to low... see...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>... (that's why Plan ? is such an individual thing.) If you are still having strong feelings... and his actions aren't hurting you (not not <I>excessively</I>... whatever that means to you)... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> should be continued.<P>For the absolute definitive word on this... a counseling session with the Harley's could help you make a decision... and feel best about it.<P>If you got out of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and started <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... don't worry about it.<P>Start back into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... Let H know you were upset... that you may be upset again later... but you want to "change" for him. Yes... "change" to try and meet his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<P>I don't know your whole story... <BR>Is he at home with you now?<BR>Any children?... (they do complicate things)<P>If you can get back into counseling... do so! Show him a little "good" fight in you... your strength! (even if you have to fake that strength!)<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B> Do you have this book?... If not get it!<BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P><B>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!</B><P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Thank you Jim and Derby. <BR>We have two grown sons. They have been told just recently and have been very supportive. I told them we would not expect them to take sides. My youngest son will be going to our counselor, my oldest is in the service out of the states. <P>When I found out about the affair, I was very calm and wanted to do anything I could to work on the marriage. He was not sure he wanted to. A week later he decided he did. Then he didn't then he did! We immediately started counseling and I found MB. I liked Dr. Harley's approach. I like our counselor, but his approach is not as suttle. After reading some of MB's articles H won't read anymore. Probably because he knows what Dr Harley says is right and would work. He doesn't want to work on the marriage now. He can not give up OW. I followed MB's Plan A for almost two months. We had a great time, was doing homework other counselor was giving. Started opening up to eachother again, discussing issues in the marriage etc. Only one day he'd be himself the next day he would be this man I did not know. Telling me he has not loved me for years, not sure he even loved me when he married me. I was on an emotional roller coaster and could hardly function. We decided to get away and take a break from it all and took a two week trip to the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon and Sequoia National Forest. Had a wonderful time except for one night. We both had to much to drink and Love Busting out the wazoo. He told me he had only stayed with me this past year because of the money I made. Said it was easy not to have to work so hard. Accused me of buying his love. Said his soul was right with God and God gave him permission to have OW in his life. Said my love has always been conditional and whatever he did was never good enough for me, etc, etc, etc. Yelling got out of hand. I was in shock at how cruel he behaved. I left the room for several hours, told him I would not let him talk to me that way. When I got back he was sleeping. Had decided to fly home and leave him to drive back by himself. Snowed that night and could not get a flight out. Had to stay another day. The next day I did not say a word to him. I was in shock at the feelings he had revealed. Finally at dinner that night he tried to apologize, said I did not deserve to be treated that way. Said he did not mean what he had said etc. Told him maybe the alcohol intensified how he said it but did not make it up and there had to be truth in what he said. Decided to cut trip short and not go on to Sequoias. Next day drove for 4 hrs., I got in touch with my anger and decided he was not going to ruin my vacation. Told him to turn around and head for Calif. We spent 5 more days together, we were polite and had a good time. I had decided I would ask him to leave when we got home, to protect what feelings I had for him and for my own health. He did not object but I could tell he did not want to leave. Called me that nihgt and twice next day, told him to stop calling, that we had nothing to talk about as long as he was involved with OW. We are continuting with counseling seperately and was suppose to get together with the counselor on Jan 3. One week later I got really angry and left him a voice mail to come get the rest of his things, that there was not enough of the marriage to work on and I did not want to get together in Jan to talk. He left me a message said he understood but he did not have much storage space and asked if he could leave his things for a while. I think it was an attempt to manipulate him on my part. Obviously I did not mean it. He has left a couple of messages to come and get some things and say he hoped me and Maggie (the delight of our life Yorkie) are doing ok. He sounds really down. Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want the Love Busting to be the last communication, but I am in Plan B without a letter and a Plan. Where do I go from here?