I have been accused of having affairs now for about 1 1/2 years. My husband seems to "feel" that I have been with other men. He has never seen, been told, or found any type of proof. (because there is none!) <BR>We had drifted apart over the years. I withdrew into my own world of work, my girlfriends and most of all our children. He never seemed to care. He in the past 8 years has had over 40 jobs! They way he was constantly putting us in financial ruin, I had lost repect for him. Then came a time in the summer of 1999 that he told me he wanted to talk to me outside. He told me he knew I was having an affair. I starting laughing! The idea was so ridiculous! I was so affraid of him ever doing that to me that I would never even think of the idea. I had had an old boyfriend that I found in bed with another woman and I never wanted that to happen again. Knowing my husbands position on infidality made me feel I could trust him and I was confortable.<BR>Well as time went on, he went into a depression with crying spells. He still believed I was having an affair. We moved to another house and that was emotional for us because we wanted to buy the house we were renting but were not in a position to do so. (His job history mainly)His parents would not help us. So after the move we seemed closer that ever. He worked so hard on the move, I learned to love him (or be in-love with him) all over again. He had been steady on a job for several months and things were going good so I thought. Then one day he looked at me and said " it's ok that you ae not in-love with me, I love you enough for both of us" I was shocked. and it broke my heart that that was what he thought. I assured him that yes indeed I was in love with him. We moved early Nov. 99 and Christmas shot up to us in record breaking time! I then was pre-occupied and working more hours because we had just had mega moving expenses and we have two children that we needed to take care of for Christmas. During this time my H started his way of thinking again. On Christmas eve we went to mass with my parents, when we got home our oldest went right to bed. Our little one (then 5) stayed up for a while. My husband came to me and said "Does anyone else know that he is not my son?" I'm in the middle of cooking for the next day and playing Santa, and he comes up with this stuff!<BR>I said "look, you are going to have to believe me a trust me or you are just going to have leave, I can't take being accused anymore" Then I went to bed and he stayed up for a while. Then at 5:30am I heard some noise and found him packing things to leave us on Christmas Day. i tried begging for over an hour physically keeping him from leaving. Finally he got away from me and went to a friends house. They called and said he had lost it. They wanted me to call the police and have him picked up to be evaluated. I couldn't do that. Not on Christmas or any other time. He is my hasband and father to our children! He is just depressed and needs help.<BR>So he wanted proof that our youngest was his, so I spend over $500. for a paternity test! Money I didn't have but he wouldn't even talk to me until the results came. Which would be 10 days. We had the test done on 12/27. On 12/30 the kids called him because they wanted him over for New Years. That night he came home to stay. He had to sleep on the couch until I felt comfortable. (not long) When the results were Fed-Xed to my office I brought them home sealed! I knew the results since there was never anyone else in my life.<BR>He was then satisfied and then we started our recovery. He had completely changed. Everyone loved his company. (Not usually a people person) He was a lot of fun. We had a wonderful 15th anniversary and we exchanged gifts like we hadn't in years. <BR>Then his Mom was diagnoised with terminal cancer and given 6 months to live. He was upset at first but seemed to handle it ok. Then in Sept he started in with me again. Now this time he said I was with this KID I used to work with. He is like 17 years younger than me. Now just let me tell you that I am over weight and not comfortable AT ALL with my body. This Kid has a beautiful hard body wife. WHY WOULD HE WANT ME?! This time he got treatening and said that if I didn't admit to it he was going to break me down until I told the truth. I didn't know what that meant and I didn't want to wait around to find out, so I took the kids and went to my mothers house. I stayed there for 7 days. During that time his mother took a turn for the worst and was not going to make it through the week. I went there every night to be with her. I told her I never had an affair and she believed my and asked me to take care of her son. I moved back home the night of the rosery and we hardly talked. About a week went by ( I never saw him grieve, although he said he did)Then I needed some help at my office. I got real behind with the funeral and my energy level just goes out the window with this emotional roller coaster. So he helped me and he said he believed that I had broke up with my boyfriend. Things were good again until Christmas he got a little strange but he kept it together. (Thank God) Then on April 30th he called my best friend and told her that he was in-love with a woman at our church. Now this is the clencher- He has never talked to her. He doesn't know her name. Al he knows is that they are in-love with each other and they have emotions because they can't be together. He wanted my friend to tell me because he didn't want to get ugly with me. But he said if I don't let him have this love trangle then that means I don't love him. EXCUSE ME?! Since this has come out, I feel like a bowl of mush. We went to church -just the two of us. The kids over slept so we ent alone. (my plan) I told him to point her out and he never saw her. He has not seen her since Easter. He tells me "she was the blond with the flowered dress" Well that's 90% of the women in church on that day! But to him- she is the only one! He told me that she sat next to us in the same pew once. I don't know who she is. He said that she told him with her mind that she loves him very much. He thinks he is Clairvoyent! and that she is also. He first told me that her husband hurt her or was dead and she had benn hurt in th love world. Now yesterday he tells me that she is married but her husband doesn't go to church. Since that Sunday we have not been in church. I have found excuses not to go. I don't want to see her or see his face when he sees her. My heart is broken, does he just want to rip it out and stomp on it?<BR>After April 30th - I tried acting like everything was fine. He had been so loving and affectionate. He said he could never leave me and the kids. But he wanted me to know that he is no longer in-love with me and then sometimes he says he doesn't want to start any thing with anyone else, Then the next sentence he says he wants to meet her and get to know her. I said what if she says NO? or what if her husband objects? That thought never even entered his mind. I think he is border line mental - somehow. He needs professional help. First the paternity test was what he wanted then in Sept. he wanted to talk to a priest. The priest didn't tell him what he wanted to hear, so then he wanted to see a Phycic. She also told him that she did not pick up me having and affair. That I have been nothing but loyal to him. But again he did not hear what he wanted. We went to a very expensive counselor and he didn't want to continue and I really couldn't take the emotions that went along with re-hashing. So we stopped. Now he said he will go because he doesn't want to get ugly with me again. But he needs to see a Shrink. He will never admit to it. His though processes are way off and he needs meds. Even the Bishop told me that. But my H thinks that people who take meds are weak and useless. He will never go. A counselor that I have spoke to on the phone seems to think that now that he has Kaiser that we should go to couple's counseling there and then they can evaluate him.<BR>SOMEONE - please help - this is so hard to talk about with my family. I don't know what else to do. I want to meet with this woman and her husband and ask her if she has feelings for my H. I'm thinking she will say NO- but then what? I asked him that - then what will it be- you will find someone else? He said he could never be with her because she is married. What about the fact that he is married?<BR>Please someone help me!!!<BR>He has to work this Sunday and I am thinking about going to church to see if I can find her on my own. THEN WHAT? What do I do? Please help!<p>[This message has been edited by Bewilderedtoo (edited June 07, 2001).]

First and foremost, I am no expert on mental health. I do work with young children who have been diagnosed with various mental illnesses though. <P>I have to say I am amazed at how strong you are, given the scenario you posted. <P>Your husband has a mental illness, what is is or what he needs is beyond my scope of understanding. <P>You have to get help somewhere, with or without his agreeing. <P>As far as confronting this other woman? No, not a good idea. She is simply a pawn in some game he is playing. And from your post she has no idea she's part of it.<P>My heart goes out to you, I hope others on this post will be able to give advice you can use.

k9love-<P>Thank you for your response. Somedays I am on an emotional roller coaster and I feel my H withdrawing and I know what he is thinking about. He gets real cold towards me and I then get so hurt that I start believing in his delusion. I guess the reason I was feeling like confronting this woman was basically to validate that I am not the one going nuts here. I wanted him to see from someone else that he is not Clairvoyant. I have known people who have had Clairvoyant triats. They were right occassionally. But my husband has never been right about any of his "visions". I want him to see that. If takes a third party, then so be it. But you are right about her not even knowing anything about this. Why should I upset her home? I WILL NOT! When my H thought I was having an affair with that KID (former co-worker) another co-worked feared for him and told him and his wife what my H was saying. His wife didn't believe it for a moment. And the poor thing was pregnant. Who needs any extra stress. Thank God their relationship was strong and she didn't fold. <BR>My H can never keep his "Stories/visions" straight. His details very from episode to episode. Believe me the works are etched in my mind - I remember every word.<BR>I hope someone else has advise for me. But thank you for your help and you are right about the OW.<P>Thanks