I need your help terribly so I am posting this everywhere. I am nine months into "recovery", which is going NO WHERE BUT TO THE ATTY...faster than a speeding bullet. Here's the issue. H claims to have been a closet alcoholic. (There have been so many lies and manipulations over the last 9 months, I don't know what to believe.) He drank beers at home, 1 or 2 a night, but swears when he traveled for work, 20+ weeks out of the year or could get away without me, he would drink 12-18 beers a night. Anyway, at one point, he was leading us on the path to recovery that this affair only happened when he was drinking...OW was a co-worker that traveled with him. However, as more and more truths came out at my pushing, what he said just never jived so I could not let the affair go...he also statrted to physically abuse me which told me he was lying through his teeth and protecting his lies and her. They had motel room visits, plans and "dates" without any alcohol involved or thought about. H has also told me that he has a sexual compulsion (he frequented prostitutes and massage parlors prior to the affair and prior to our marriage...no I did not know until AFTER d-day), didn't know he could have a "better marriage" over an affair, never thought that the affair would "hurt me" and is a sinner (only turned to God after D-Day and I even doubt that he is truly "saved" as his actions, inactions and lack of emotions, except for anger, do not reflect Biblical standards...nor do mine as the rage and anger becomes overwhelming for me. It is not just about forgiving the infidelity now, but also forgiving the lies, the manipulations, the debt to cover his lies and rebuild on manipulations ans illusions, losing my home (He brought her here and made love to her not only more than with me but, in more places and wanting to be a "better lover to her than with me.)<P>Please help me to understand how if he was an alcoholic but could control his drinking at home, how, as he claims, this affair was an extension of the alcohol addiction...I am soooooo confused at this point and have had so many false starts on recovery because of his lies I just do not know where to put my beliefs, anger trust and healing, let alone how to start.

I don't have any real answers for you, but I have had many heavy/problem drinkers in my life. I can tell you in my experience they come in all types, and lots of the problem drinkers I've known have been able not only to function fairly effectively while drinking, but also to control their drinking to some extent: drink less in certain environments, on certain occasions. Whether your WS is really has a problem with alcohol or not doesn't depend on whether he can control his drinking sometimes. It depends on whether his drinking has caused problems in his life that wouldn't have come up if he hadn't been drinking. I've seen people who ordinarly wouldn't do such things attempt suicide, get in trouble with the law, become physically abusive, and yes, betray their spouses under the influence of alcohol. Drinking impairs people's judgment, lowers their inhibitions, and they do all kinds of things under the influence that they might otherwise never have done.<P>I guess your question is whether the affair you've discovered is a result of his drinking -- one of those problems that wouldn't have come up if he hadn't been drinking, and whether you should give him a break about it because he wouldn't have done it if he hadn't been drinking. But I'm not sure this matters. Even if people do things they wouldn't otherwise have done because of their drinking, they are still responsible for their behavior. Even if your WS is a problem drinkier, it doesn't excuse his affair or his becoming verbally and physically abusive. And this is especially true, it seems to me, if he believes he has a problem himself. HE himself attributes his bad behavior to his drinking (perhaps hoping for a pass), but still refuses to quit drinking or to get help to quit drinking. I also know that you can't have a full relationship with someone in the throes of addiction: the addiction is always more important than people to an active addict. <P>Again, I don't know what you should do. But you must keep yourself safe, first of all, no matter how you proceed. You can't make him stop drinking, you can't make him behave well or atone for his wrongs. He has to want to. And if he doesn't, well, that says it all. <P>Good luck & best wishes.<BR>