I should have seen it coming, but my dad is dieing of cancer, my oldest son is in state custody in a juvenile home and my mom has been sick. So my mind has been occupied. Every weekend I drive out to help take care of mom & dad, I take my 7 yr old twins with me to give daddy unwind time. Once night a week I visit my older son. In between I try to keep the housework going and take care of our 4 house cats and 1 house dog. It started last month, maybe before that, all of a sudden he was leaving for work earlier and coming home later. Then because he left work early he decided to take his showers when he got home so that it would save time in the morning. When he would get up he would jump in the shower to rinse because he had sweated at night or his hair was a mess. A few weeks ago he bought himself new pants, shirts, socks, underware and sneakers for work. Then he started getting his hair cut every 3 weeks and grew a goatee. I still hadn't put 1 + 1 together. I knew he would go out on the days I was at my parents with his man friends, but thought that was what he needed to unwind, he was always home by 11. Then 3 weeks ago he started going out while I was home and coming home at 1:30. With the guys from work. Then last Saturday he was supposed to go to a work buddies house. A party for the guys in his department. But his beeper went off and he got called into work at noon. I waited for a phone call all day. Nothing. He came home after 11 and said he had gone to work than had gone to the party. I was just upset because he hadn't called. The next morning when I did laundry I found his black boxer briefs in the dirty clothes pile, they were inside out. I went to turn them right side out and noticed that the inside of the front was covered with semen stains. 1 + 1 = cheater. I confronted him. He said he didn't have a girlfriend. I mentioned the briefs. He said that he had done that himself in the mens room at work. What was so excxiting at work that he had to go to the mens room to do that!!! Then I told him about the briefs, he went balistic. I was being ridiculous, I was crazy, I was ... you name it! So I told him that I was going to borrow money from my mother to get a DNA test done on the stuff inside his briefs to find out if it was just his residue there. He slumped on the sofa and put his head in his hands. He look devistated. I would not talk to him for the rest of the night I was too busy crying. The next day while the twins were out, I had insisted that no conversation would be held while they were in earshot. He swore that he was not having an affair, that he did not have a friend that he was fooling around with. But I when I asked if he had been having any kind of sex with someone else he wouldn't answer me. He just said that he is not having an affair. I ended the discussion because I was too upset and angry to talk. The next day we talked again. He said he loved me and that he wanted to see this marriage through. Forever and always. I told him that I wanted to see a councilor, and that he could not see or talk to this person ever again. I told him that I love him that I did not trust him and that I don't think I ever would. Its been 5 days and he has found every reason in the world not to call human resourses at work to arrange for a councilor. He forgot, he was busy, he called but they were busy. I need to see the councilor. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I want to know why, I want to know for how long, I want to know if it was someone in his work, I need to know who because every woman I see know has me wondering if this is her or does she look like that. I'm afraid to go to his work in case she is there, or to the grocery store or anywhere else. I'm afraid to leave him home alone on weekends so I can care for my parents. I'm afraid whenever his work Nextel beeps. I won't go near his friends because i'm afraid they knew all along and accepted it. I've ordered the book and am waiting for it, but until I get it what can I do except tear up all of his light colored briefs which he has started to wear again. I've started to take anti-depressants because all I do is cry. Please someone help me ! I can't believe he did this to me !!!

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. My husband thinks he is in love with a woman from our church that he has never met or talked to. He thinks she is in love with him and has told him "with her mind" that she loves him very much. Now I know that he needs medical treatment and meds. But he will never admit to it. <BR>I too go through the same thing as you, whenever I go to the store or anywhere else. Imagine going to church. I have gone out of my way to plan things for Sunday's to avoid church. He has made it dirty for me. I want to see her so I can ask her and have her validate that these feelings are one sided. Then on the other hand I don't want to be picturing her in my head or even see his face when he sees her. He has not seen her in church since Easter and we have not been since May 6th. I told him "I guess she is not as compelled as you are to sneak a glimse" He has accused me of affairs and has not even tried to find proof. There is none to find. It's never happened anywhere but in his sick mind.<BR>But I feel that I have been betrayed because of his love for another and he thinks it's ok because it happened in church!<BR>I to get pre occupied with work and our children. I don't see how I could ever have time for an affair but he thinks I do it while I am at work!!!!!! He has hung me out to dry repeatedly over this, so he says if I don't let him have his "love triangle" then he wants a devorse. In the same breath he says he wants to be with me forever.<BR>I wish he would see a doctor, I just don't know how to get him there???<BR>I am thankful that this is all in his mind, but the feelings and emotions are definatly real. I wish you all the luck in the world finding the truth. Keep at until you are satisfied. Keep your eyes and ears open and good luck. I would also try and continue to keep it from the kids as long as possible.

Bewildered,<P>I sincerely hope that you will contact a mental health professional without delay. Your husband has a serious problem and you are not going to be able to help him with it by yourself.<P>There isn't much that anyone here can offer you. You are not dealing with "ordinary" infidelity. Your husband needs help and I hope you will go out and talk to a professional who can give it to you.<P>Good luck.<P>

Hi, I haven't been around for awhile. I used to post as Bellevue Belle but had to go to another screen name becuase of tech problems.<P>First, so sorry about the many crises you are dealing with in your family. The last thing you need right now is grief from your husband. <P>From what I've seen on the Boards, it's common for a cheating spouse to deny the affair, no matter how much evidence piles up to expose them. They don't want to come right out and say "I'm an adulterer. I cheat on my spouse. I'm betraying my marriage vows. I'm a sneak and a liar, not worthy of trust."<P>So they split hairs inside their fogged up brains. It's not an affair because --<BR>1. We've never met in person (for an internet/phone sex affair)<BR>2. We have not done more than kiss<BR>3. We've never French kissed<BR>4. We haven't said "I love you"<BR>5. We only had sex in the car, with our clothes on<BR>6. The OP is in love with their spouse<BR>7. I love you (so it's not an affair)<BR>8. The OP would never leave their spouse for me; he/she has too much to lose<BR>9. I haven't come in her mouth<BR>10. I haven't let him come in my mouth<BR>11. Nobody swallows<BR>12. We've never given personal intimate gifts<BR>13. The OP is actually in love with a third party, not with me (the betrayer)<BR>14. I'm also friends with the OP's spouse and their children (the betrayer)<BR>15. We've spent holidays together, (our families)<P>There are creative types here who can come up with much better rationalizations.<BR>You need therapy, the sooner the better, and see if you can get meds. Take care of yourself. If you get sick or fall apart, there's no "you" to take over. If that confuses you, I mean that "you" do the pet care, the child visiting, the elder care, the household chores, and there's no "temp worker" to call to fill in. <P>Eat healthy, get plenty of sleep and pray, because it has a wonderful effect.<P>Again, sorry about the whole mess.<BR>10. <p>[This message has been edited by Daffy Belle (edited June 13, 2001).]

imsohurt<BR>I know how you feel, but the difference between you and me is that I am a man, and it is my wife whom is doing the same things as your man. My wife had an affair over a year 1/2 ago, she admitted to it and they both said that it had been a mistake (yea right), well here in the last couple of months this guy has started appearing at her work as a customer, I work there part time also, well her boss and mine, knows what is going on and boy do I feel stupid, she deny's that anything is going on with the exception of him being a customer is all, well why does he come in every day now?, why does he call her at work?, why has she all of a sudden started wearing panty liners all the time when she never did before, these are just a few of the numerous questions that lead me to believe that there is something going on, but she still denies it and goes berserk when ever I mention it, at the present time she left to stay with her mom last night, she wants me out of the house. I am not giving up that easily, all in all I just want you to know that there are people out there that can help you, you are correct in telling him that you want to go to counselling, we have done that, and I have ended up on medication also, I have an appointment today with a pschiatrist because I am feeling like I about to loose it, I have always been a very strong person, but lately I have changed, Look at me, I am just goinjg on and on about my problem(s), look here now get the help that you need and smile, dont let him get you down, my prayers are with you.

This doesn't seem uncommon. It appears all WS deny they are having an affair. My ex moved out, moved in with OM and 7 months later she is still dening that she has left me for OM, gshhhhhh how much more evidence could there be. She will never admitt what she has done and will continue to try and justify her choices. Hang in there and keep doing plan A. I will keep you in my prayers.<P>