Short version to catch up to speed.... married for 10+ years with 3 children. I had taken my marriage for granted in the past with no success changing my ways until now....with God's help and MB has helped tremendously. Because of my neglect, . I now have found out about OM and W doesn't know. OM has filled the voids I so carelessly left WIDE open...but I love her with all my heart and want to save my marriage. This has happened to use before, but we made it thru ok... well not really...look where we are again...thanks to me.... <P>I want to protect my W from total humiliation because of what I had stumbled onto.... she would not be able to look me in the face if she knew what I know.... I love her with all my heart. I don't want her to know I know yet.... I have MUCH info that could be a REAL problem for OM since he is married....so I emailed him (he lives 1000+ miles away, but they were planning a trip)... very professional like..requesting he break all contact with my W....I had no clue as to my knowledge of the A....<P>We shall see what happens next....PLAN A in Full effect now and I'm in it for the LONG hall...<P>Please pray for us...thanks

I would suggest that you tell your wife immediately that you know about the OM and that you have emailed him. The chances are great that he will inform your wife that you know and that you contacted him. This will be a double humiliation.<BR>You must tell her you know before he tells her. Good Luck.

I am trying to save her humiliation...if she knew what I know...she would be over the edge...I'm sure.... I love her this much to try and save that damage..<P>I don't know... maybe I should....myabe I shouldn't

In my opinion you are making a mistake. This will eat at both of you until the marriage falls apart. You cannot live in a lie and live wih a lie. My wife had an affair. She never planned to tell me. But eventually it got found out. She hated it that I found out. But now several months after she admits that she feels a lot better that I did find out. It took a lot of stress off her mind. Now we can have a truly happy marriage. There just isn't anyway your marriage will survive when both of you have this secret. Too much experience from other people says so. Marriage is based on trust and honesty. You cannot have a good marriage without this. But people make mistakes. A breech of trust and honesty can be forgiven once it is admitted. Don't underestimate your wife and think she will fall apart. She was strong enough to have an affair. She is strong enough to recover from an affair. Think of the guilt feelings (if she loves you) she must have. Should she live with those all her life? You are making a mistake. If you confront her but also say you will forgive her and treat her well and say all humans make mistakes (even big ones) then maybe she will respect you even more. <P>Tell your wife that like many husbands you have neglected her. Tell her you will change and that you are sorry for this. Maybe tell her that you wouldn't fault her if inthe past ten years she got emotional support from another man. Tell her it is very common these days. Tell her even if she did this, you would still love her. Maybe she will admit something a few days later after this churns around in her head for awhile. Also this will tell you how honest your wife is. <P>But be ready if she has an angry response and just drop it, and say sorry "I don't know what I was thinkink." Then calm down a few more days and decide when to really confront her. Maybe she will think a few days about how to really tell you. <P>If it happened before on the other hand then your wife will not be shocked that you know about her affair.

Hey IM...<P>Just a quick note from one who understands all too well that deceipt on top of deceipt...breeds more deceipt. I agree with Bryan and Rodger...the sting and embarrassment of initially talking about what you know is going to be tough on both of you, but...and this is a crucial BUT!!!...OM WILL tell her that you know, and she will be even more defensive and angry that you *stepped beyond your rights*...(according to BS's that get caught). You need to sit her down, talk to her about what you found, and reassure her that you love her and what you want to do from here...let her know that you have emailed OM and that Plan A is now in effect and that you want to work on your marriage!!! <P>If you wait, it will only give her more time to concoct stories, excuses, and plans with OM on more and better ways to cover it up, should they decide to continue. So my advice is to DO IT NOW!!!<P>BEST OF LUCK...<P>Trueheart

IMSorry...I agree with the above advice. You must confront her before the OM does (and I have no doubt he will). If you don't, you may be faced with what I'm struggling with - it will just get hidden better and deeper. There is no easy way out unfortunately. I regret I didn't confront my W fully. She continues to be in denial-mode and my D-Day was Oct. 2000. It has made recovery nearly impossible.<P>Just this past weekend, I wrote her with every single detail I knew about, and some things I filled the blanks with. I was afraid I would drive her away with a confrontation, so I let a little bit out at a time. Such a mistake! Every time, it was a huge LB for her, and some explanation given to cover her tracks. She only has admitted to a small part and I had LOTS of proof. It has also complicated my honest attempts to change thru Plan A. So it backfired for both of us really. I'm not sure she can hardly stand me anymore. At this point, I'M the one hoping for a second chance. It may take years to get to the truth, if ever. Good luck - just do your VERY BEST to avoid anger.

Hi,IMsorry...take it from a wayward wife now in recovery...I wanted my H to rescue me. He didn't see it at the time. Yes, I faced major humiliation but my marriage is getting better than ever and I am regaining strength and dignity incrementally day by day.<P>There are tough days. At first it was nothing but tears and self-loathing. D-day was Feb 15 and only know can I face my anger at OM--now that I am sort of getting past my anger at me for my foolishness. Read my poem Why did you lie? Posted it today. Can you see your W there?<P>You are hearing the same answer, right? Please listen.<P>Hoping truth prevails and healing comes...<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

you must be 110% ppositive that it happenened then be aware that she will probably try and deny that it happened.i confronted my wife and she said it wasn't sexual and that people were allowed to have good friends.she didn't know that i had already had them followed by a p.i.and had photos and notes.don't trust her until she admits it.

Thanks all for advice....things came to a head after she wasn't receiving contact. She asked if I did anything that would upset her... I asked if I had a reason to.... not a good thing to do I know.... I wanted the confession but couldn't get it... I told her what I had done and she BLEW UP BIG TIME!!!! She felt deceived...as did I... but worse for her I guess for invading her "privacy".<P>She threw her rings at me and told me she hated me and would never foregive me for this.....<P>Well...we are still together and things are going great between us now... recovery is slow but steady.<P>I will say this: I was WRONG to end the A for her..... I MADE THE CHOICE....not her....IF she was the one to end it.... it probably would have been better for both of us, though it would probably still be ongoing for a while longer... still eating me up inside.<P>I know OM will NEVER be in the picture again.....trust me on this....I even talked to him<P>I thank God and all of you for your support.... without God I know this wouldn't be possible... cuz I can't do it alone... he has changed me and is still changing me...my wife can even see it....we are working on our friendship and conversation is GREAT once again....<P>Thanks a million to all

IM....dont be sorry it was you that helped end it. Your W was not strong enough to and the anger she felt was more shame than anger at you. She was angry with you, sure, but she was angrier at her I suspect, that she was not strong enough to do what you did.<P>I, for one, think it took more courage for you to do what you did, than to put up with the affair. At least, in the end, she had to make a choice and a commitment. I still believe you should have confronted her, but she would have justified what was happening and reasoned out of it, so in the end, you may have done the right thing. <P>Now, honesty and communication are the key!! Don't hide anything, and your recovery has a greater chance!! Best of luck!!<P>Trueheart

I agree with Trueheart again. Your W may be embarrassed and angry but you are together and the truth is out. Now you can work on your issues over time. You totally did the right thing by showing your W you care. <P>All the best in the journey...

IMSorry,<P>Do not be too hard on yourself about this. You did what you felt was right at the time. You went to "battle" for your wife. It's really kind of a complement that you felt strongly enough about her to protect her and your marriage. Have you ever thougth that maybe the reason things are going well is because you stepped up and took your rightful place as her husband? She may even feel that you showed a level of love that she thought had been lost?<P>I bring this up because I did a similar thing. On March 22 I found out that my H was having affairs with 10 women (cybersex/phonesex and one physical). He met all of them on the internet. This had been going on for the entire 2.5 years of our engagement and marriage. Our first anniversary was last week. <P>The day I found out about the first one, I took his buddy list and email list and over the next 4 weeks contacted all of them that I could find. I was very respectful and kind to the women but I was not playing around either. At the time I did not care if he got angry or not. I am his wife and it is my right to protect my self, my marriage and the man I love. He said he was very surprised that I did that but has never been angry about it. We have since discussed the points I made above. It is a very strong statement of love for one's spouse to stand up to the OP and say I love my spouse enough to fight our our marriage. It does not always work. But if it does not work then the BS has a clear statement of the situation.<P>I'm assuming that you have read the book "Surviving an Affair" and know that the MB stance is that there is no room in a marriage for "privacy" when it hurts the marriage. <P>IMHO<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I don't feel so bad now....for what I did.... this gives a diffeent perspective AGAIN on my actions. Thanks again. She made me feel that by not letting her make the choice that I will NEVER know who she would have chosen from her heart. I know those words were out of anger at the time but seem to make sence at the moment.<P>I did stand up for my marriage and wife and that's the way I looked at it. Thank you for supporting me in my time of troubles. <P>Things are looking really good now... open book communication and everything that makes a loving relationship is in the picture again. I feel like a kid on a first time date with a new girlfriend!!!! So does my wife... she said it first...though it's scary for here remembering how I used to be (she's not used to the change yet)<P>God bless all of you thanks again!!!

IMSorry:

You know what, you do know who she would have choosen. She choose you. I say that because, after you spoke to the OM, if she had really wanted to be with him she would have gone to him. You, nor hell, nor high water could have kept them apart if that was what she wanted. I know that he backed out of the picture after to talked to him.. but they could have just gotten a restraining order, moved away, whatever to keep you away.

So be assured that she did choose you. She may realize this some day.

Take care,

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Zorweb,<P>Thank you...I needed to here that.... she actually started to open up some today and talk about the whole thing..... it still hurts but I have to listen and let here know that I am here for her for ANYTHING.... it's working.<P>The biggest gripe she has is invading her privacy on the email.... taking time to get over that one I guess....I did it yes....but I don't think I would have done it differently either...<P>Thanks again....all of you are a great help

i found out about my wife's affair by checking out her internet life. i feel really bad that i had to find it. now i am trying to decide to contact the other man also.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by broken tigg:<BR><B>i found out about my wife's affair by checking out her internet life. i feel really bad that i had to find it. now i am trying to decide to contact the other man also. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are in the same position I was in.... I feel your pain...My W still feels I invaded her privacy and can't understand why I did it. I would tell her that you know....and how you found out....she will feel angry and violated and betrayed, but at least you are confronting her with it instead of what I did and go behind her back (as she did to me)...Out in the open is much better, even though it is harder to deal with from the start.<P>She feels that I made HER choice....that SHE should have been the one to choose. I don't know if I agree.... if things would have progressed....I feel she wouldn't have been strong enuf to call it off even if she truely wanted to..... she admitted that yesterday!!!! We do still talke about it...but I listedn to her mostly<P>I hope you will be cautious in waht you decide to do.... think of EVERYTHING and ALL outcomes befroe you make a choice<P>prayers are with you....<P>

IM-<P>Your situation sounds VERY similar to the one I went through 6 weeks ago. My W also had an A that was at first all e-mail then went physical. I too found out by reading her e-mail, but only doing so after her actions (hiding out in the den, spending hours 'doing homework' and not getting it done, closing her e-mail as soon as I walked in, etc.) showed me something was up. I felt slimy 'invading' her privacy as she lied and deceived me.<P>We had three D-days, then went through the whole remembering each other as we were before we got married thing. The physical and communication part of our relationship took off, but there are still scars.<P>She changed her e-mail password, and although I know it because of some computer monitoring software I installed, she has never told me what it is. I know that she doesn't trust me anymore because of what I did but, like you, I wouldn't change what I did. No matter how I mull it over and try different scenarios, I cannot come up with a another way. She broke your trust and confidence, and to stop her affair and save your marriage you had to break hers.<P>Right now you are at a stage I wish I could revisit. If I could do that part over I would have really tried harder to get the truth out of my W about what happened. I didn't push my W for true the details of her relationship, I settled for half-truths, back-peddling, and blame-shifting. I now am quite sad about it. I know about the physical part of her relationship, and I know that she gave him gifts, but she doesn't know that I know. I want her to admit it. I want her to make an effort and raise our marriage up a couple of levels, but she hasn't and probably never will. I will not be able to forgive her until she has done this.<P>IM, don't let yourself be in the same boat I am. Although it will probably be painful, be sure you get all of the truth you need NOW. Otherwise when the rosy part of recovery is over and you have time to really think it over, it will eat you up. <P>You and your W will be in my prayers.<P>Kale-IM

Kale,<P>I'm happy to here from so many that can share my thoughts and actions....<P>After she had discovered what I had done... it took about tow days for here to talk to me civily again. Understandable. I told her then and there if we were to make a full recovery, there could be no secrets of untold tails of the events. We laid it all on the table to start fresh.... things were brought up on both sides that neither of us wanted to here... even slowed progress down some ...but in the end it was best that way and we both knew it. I feel that all should be out in the open to get rid of the "WHAT IF" feelings and the fear of the unknown... letting your mind think terrible things and all.<P>I thank God every day for His blessings on my family and marriage. things are going GREAT right now... she has started to open up some to me again.... initiating the affection and so on... I am thankful to God for MB and all the support you all have given me in my struggles.<P>thanks<P>

Kale_IM, I chose to confess and H immediately went and read my email. As a matter of fact his regrettable but understandable choice was to e OM and threaten him if he ever came near me, our girls or our church, he would kill him with his bare hands.<P>Then he kept reading my email to make sure. I only snuck one email to OM to see if he was OK (what was I thinking?) but it bothered me so much I confessed to that in about two days so H changed my password to gibberish neither of us will ever know on my "affair" email acc't. OM didn't answer.<P>I felt like 2cents or less over all this monitoring but felt I deserved it for my foolishness. Now we have no secrets and it was very special when I changed my password to my main e-mail address. He watched me type it...a word that reflects our relationship and he was very pleased and touched. I told him I chose it very carefully because I meant it.<P>H was pretty patient with me about the whole thing. He suspected strongly (I think he knew and was in denial as it was happening right in our home) and was relieved when I finally became the honest person he used to know and confess. He was so angry he destroyed some gifts we received because they were offensive memories of OM (not given by him but for example, I had a gorgeous crystal bowl that I used to serve OM's favorite dessert in--it was a gift from really special people--h took it to the garage and smashed it to smithereens. At least he didn't do that to me but his rage was more directed at OM by then. He told me he was angriest during the A when i was treating him second best and acting like OM was my h.<P>This hurt both of us but now we have a much stronger marriage. I just shared with H tonight how wonderful it is to live secret-free...no anxieties or worries about being exposed...I am being true to my family and God and myself. I hope this happens with your spouses to those who have posted here.<P>IMsorry, glad to hear progress is being made.