I noticed a slight change in my wife's behavior around X-mas. It was little things that you notice when you have lived with someone for a while. My wife then started acting suspiciously. Spending 3-5 hours a night on the computer. Staying out late more and more until 3:00 in the morning on one occasion. Going out after work on a few others. Softball games or bowling nights. Neglecting our new puppy. Nothing major. But it just seemed different. After the 3AM episode, I grabbed her cell phone to see if there were any"unusual" calls in there. I found a mans name, and when I went to look @ the number, I was locked out by a security code! Well, my suspicions grew to an all time high. I asked her about the name, and she answered that someone @ work was fooling around with her phone, and that they added the number as a joke, and that she didn't know the security code to delete it.( the secrity code was easy to figure out, it was our home phone number) The name in the phone was that of a male co-worker.<P> Questioning my wife's fidelity, I went to see a priest. He could not give too much advice. Every day was torture. I would call my wife and be so relieved that she answered thephone. She saw how upset I was, and she encouraged me to seek counciling, which I did. My first appointment was scheduled for the Wed after Memorial Day. I took a trip w/o my wife for the holiday, calling her 5 times a day to make sure she was home. She was.<BR>I then recieved my cell phone bill, which has my calls and her calls. I found three calls to a number that I was not familiar with. No big deal, maybe she called someone for her work, a major resturant chain in the US. It was the date and time these calls were made. The night of her 3AM episode @ 2:30 in the morning. I gave her the benefit if the doubt and called the cell phone company to question if the calls were made from her phone. The calls were made from that phone. So I confronted her about them. She didn't know what they were for, or who the number was, but she had let a friend use the phone earlier that night. Not a good answer, wifey pooh! More suspicion.<P>My wife and I have a laptop and a tv based web surfer. I use the tv, she the laptop. She likes to instant message her friends from work. One night I was curious about how to instant message some of my friends, and went to the computer so she could show me how to instant message. As soon as I came over, she shut the computer and got upset at me. She thought I was checking up on her She then logged off and went to bed. I thought I could get online w/o her help, and proceded to try to logon under her account. The account had a password, so I called upstairs to ask her what her password was. She blew up, said it was none of my business and we got into an arguement and the laptop was broken. I spilled iced tea on it. We made up. I promised to buy her a new computer. and things were alright, but I still had my suspicions. A few days later, I asked her if she missed instant messaging her friends, She replied no, it was no big deal. <P>I still suspected my wife, and now knew something was going on.The computer, the cell phone, the late nights. So, I figured I was going to catch her doing something.<BR>On her day off, I rigged my vcr to tape my tv based internet surfer. Anytime the surfer went on, my vcr would record. I got home from work, and she was getting ready to "go out". I started to watch the tape b4 she left. I now knew she was using my webtv to e-mail her friends from work, and was accessing her other e-mail account from this tv surfer. Before she left, I asked her again if she missed chating with her friends, She said no, and that it was no big deal. She lied to my face! Then she went out, and I watched the tape. <P>I had never felt so betrayed before in my life. Dirty e-mails to someone online. Not jokes, but things like, "I would love to undo your bra with my teeth, and I wish I could shower with you and I have never wanted something so bad". Maybe it was a girl from work, and they were being cute, so I checked the profile of the e-mail holder. Horror filled my veins as I read the profile. Male. Your city. I started to cry. The graphic and intimate things that were said confirmed my suspicions. I thought my wife was having an affair. <P>I then packed my bags, and headed to a safe haven. I needed to sort this out. I called my wife to let her know that I had found out. She was shocked at my treachery, and told me that it was just e-mails, harmless flirting. I didn't believe her, and ended the call. She then called me to bulls#$t me about how I drove her to it, and we were having problems b4 this started, and was somewhat attracted to this person. She said she needed to do this because she was frustrated and needed to feel desired and wanted by someone other than me, even though she refused my advances and that we were having problems b4 this.<P>In my safe haven, I contacted a divorce attorney. I still had alot of unanswered quesions. Who was he? Where did she meet him? How long was it going in for? Did she have sex with him? When I asked her, she got angry and refused to answer me. I told her that if we were going to get passed this, and I was to come home with the dog, she neded to tell me who it was, where she met him, and how long it was giong in for. She said she was scared that if she told my,I would divorce her anyway. I said that my trust in her was shattered, but she had no reason to not trust me, and I promised her I would not divorce her yet. So she reluctantly told who it was. It was the co-worker whose name was in her cell phone. It had been going on for about a month. and that it was only e-mails, no sex or physical contact. I have my doubts!<P>Since then, I have retuned home, solo. We seperated, and she is staying with her mother who lives a few towns over. I told her that she did this and she would have to be inconvienced for our seperation.<P>I tore the house up looking for more evidence, even taking little things out of context. Ripped out magazine articles, recipts for cd's, looking for missing nighties. Anything to fuel my fire. I didn't find alot, but some things were suspect. <P>My wife needed to remove some personal items from the house,and wanted to see the puppy. So we agreed to not see each other. I would leave the house when she came over. I wanted to see her, because I missedher ans wanted to see her.But at the same Ididn't trust her. I would set up my tape recorder to tape her when she came over. Phone calls, talking to herself or the dog. Anything to catch her again. She knows nothing if this, and we are beginning a "quasi- reconcilliation". I am having a difficult time with a lot of questiones filling my head. So to get the answers, I call her, and all of my questiones are driving her crazy, pushing her further away, which I don't want to do. But I need answers! Questiones like " Why did you take $1000.00 out of your stock portfolio". She replied " to pay back my cousin for the loan to repair my car". "Why did you set up an appointment to see your OBGYN and get samples of the pill when we are seperated?" There is no need for that! We are not having sex, and we haven't been intimate for a while, why do you need to take them now, while we are going through this!? She says that the appointment to see her doctor was made a while ago, and we had talked about her going in the pill just a few weeks ago, which is true. But you can see why I am suspicious. She told me that it taked two months of being on the pill b4 you can use that solely for birth control. I read online that it only take two weeks. <P>I am also obsessed with the other man. I know his name ,but cannot find him the phone book. She continues to work @ her job, with him, and refuses to take time off, even to make an appt for a councilor. I missed three days of work because of this, and she cannot even take a half day off to make an appt for a councilor. She was able to get the time to see her OBGYN! What the heck!? I told her that I was going to go up to her work and ask him what was going on. She flatly stated that she would divorce me if I did that. She said that she and him don't interact like that @ work, and that he is being transfered to another store. <P>My wife says she feels unwelcome in her own home. She comes over to see the pets, and I have "traps" set up for her. But there is no trust, and everything she does is suspect to me.<P>How do I regain some trust in my wife so we can get past this? Our marriage councilor says the blame has to leave this situation b4 we can identify the issues and move forward, but how do I get past the blame when I still hurt, and want her to feel as sh@##y as I do, at least for a little while. She has said she was sorry, and what she did was inapproiate, but she didn't ask me to forgive her for hurting me. I don't think she feels what she did was that bad. Maybe it wasen't, but I am the one hurting, and if you love someone, you don't want to see them in pain, right? I don't know what she wants, or what to do.<P>She has demanded that I not call her. It took me 3 hours to type this saga, and I'm sorry that it is so long. But I haven't called her yet today.=) Reliving the pain hurts, =( but as the say" Misery loves company.<P>Thanks for reading, and thanks for any advice.
