I've read a few posts here -- not everything, I admit -- and I can already see that what I'm going through, a lot of other people are going through, too. I'm not sure what the any of the answers are. <P>Like the other posters here, I've relatively recently discovered that my partner has been having an affair. I'm totally thrown by the situation. I don't know what to do now, what to do next. I've been waiting, waiting for an answer, and none has come to me. I guess I'm hoping that by writing here, I'll get some clarity that will help me figure out what to do. The fact is, the situation is driving me crazy, and I'm finding it hard to deal with the everyday things that come up, finding it hard to perform at work, finding it hard to handle the overwhelming feelings I've been having about this. I'm spending hours a day thinking about it, writing about it in my journal, worrying about it, without feeling like I'm getting anywhere. <P>And now, I'm realizing how worthless I feel I am. I'm slim, smart, attractive, accomplished, understanding, adventurous as I am asked to be in bed -- all the things that I always thought a guy would want his wife to be. And still, my husband is cheating on me, emotionally, physically, in every way, with a woman 12 years younger than I am (and 20 years younger than he is). And I am devastated. He was everything to me, is everything to me -- my best friend, my lover, my intellectual sparring partner, my exercise buddy -- you name it. <P>I'm calling into question everything I've ever believed about myself, about my husband, about our relationship. And I don't know if I'll ever recover, if I'll ever feel OK again, if I'll ever really feel that a man loves me. What can I do to feel better? I feel like I'm losing everything that really matters to me. <P>So, here's my story: like many of the stories here, it's a long one, with a long history. Knowing that someone out there might read it and understand makes me feel a little better. <P>I met my husband when I was 20 and at university. Almost 16 years ago. He was -- and still is, I should add --brillant, charming, exceptionally handsome. He is 8 years older than I am, and when I was 20, he seemed worldly, sophisticated, experienced. Before I met him, I had had only one sexual relationship, one that wasn't very romantic, one that had convinced me -- especially considering the failure of my parent's marriage when I was a teenager -- that romantic love was a totally made-up, imaginary thing. Something someone had invented to sell love songs and novels. But that changed when I met my husband. I suddenly found myself believing in love between men and women, and I fell in love with him. I thought he would teach me about love, about feelings, about being a woman. That's what I wanted from him: that's all I wanted from him. There was one complication, even then, one I soon became aware of: he had a massive drinking problem. He'd go through periods where he didn't drink at all, and then binge for weeks, even months at a time. I met and fell in love with him at a time when he wasn't drinking, but I soon found out how things were. I knew then that no matter how much I loved him, having the relationship I wanted with him would be impossible if he were drinking. And I told him so.<P>He said he wanted us to be together. He stopped drinking. I was so happy, happier than I'd ever been in my life before. I believed in a future for us, together, a future in which he'd teach me about love, about feelings, about being a woman. And he hoped to teach me about those things too. <P>Things didn't turn out the way we'd hoped, of course -- does anything, I wonder? There were a few more periods of drinking and difficulties -- we even separated for a year because of the drinking -- but we made it through all right. I left him because of the drinking, and when he'd stopped drinking and wanted me back, I went. Through it all, I loved him, continued loving him -- even came to love him more, somehow, came to feel that his happiness mattered more to me than our being together did. <P>About a year ago, we moved abroad for work. The first four, five months, everything seemed good between us: better, actually, than they'd been for us back home. <BR>But two days after Christmas, he started drinking again: after seven years of total abstinence. I knew there was something wrong then, but I couldn't get him to tell me what it was. He also took a trip abroad, by himself, which he planned secretly without telling me about it. I didn't know what was going on. Finally, on Sunday at the beginning of March, he asked me to delete an e-mail that had been accidentally sent by one of his buddies to me at work. OK, I said -- and I did, but not before I saw in the preview window that the e-mail contained an excerpt of a message from HIS e-mail account, the first line of which was "You asked me once what I liked about kissing you."<P>That aroused my suspicions, but I didn't say anything about it right away. Maybe the excerpt that I'd seen wasn't really from him. In all the years we'd been together, through all our difficulties, I never suspected him of infidelity. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to confront him unnecessarily when I knew things weren't going well for him -- the drinking was my key evidence of that. But I started to wonder about things: I remembered I'd heard him talking on the phone to someone late at night, in a very friendly tone. I remembered that he'd been really touchy a few times about my using the e-mail account on his computer to send messages to people. I wondered again about that sneaky trip abroad. I wondered again why he was drinking again after all these years of sobriety. After a few days, my curiosity got the better of me, and I checked an old webmail account he had which he'd once given me the password to. In it, I found a message from one of his e-mail pals, which made it clear that he'd confessed to having a fling. I also found a second copy of the anonymous message I had deleted two days earlier: a compilation of e-mails that he had sent to another woman. <P>I was totally floored. I obsessed about it all day at work. Finally, I went home and confronted him. At first, he completely denied it, not realizing that I'd seen these e-mails. Finally, he admitted that there had been "something", he said, "but I wouldn't call it an affair and it was over months ago." I didn't believe him, entirely, but I wanted to believe him. I asked if the trip he'd taken abroad had had anything to do with this. He said no. He said it was over, that he didn't want to go through the humiliation of confessing it all, that he was feeling horrible about it all, and I'd just have to back off and wait until he was ready to talk about it. He said it was nothing, it was stupid, it was a bad experience and that he wanted just to forget it ever happened, he said the drinking was because he felt so guilty about it, that the drinking helped him forget his guilt for a few hours. That he was going through a mid-life crisis, he supposed. But he didn't provide me with one word of reassurance, didn't say he loved me or wanted us to be able to work through this or get over it together. I just got the feeling he was mad that I'd found out about it. He wouldn't talk about it all, wouldn't say anything to help me deal with it. But he did stop drinking shortly after I confronted him. So, I tried to accept what he'd told me, I tried not to push him until he was ready to talk about it. I didn't want to make it more difficult for him to stay sober, I didn't want him to use my nagging as an excuse for drinking. <P>About six weeks after my initial confrontation -- during which time we'd hardly spoken of the situation -- he began drinking again. I knew it was on again, without any further evidence. I didn't know how talk to him about it. I couldn't talk to him about it when he was drunk, and whenever I tried when he wasn't drunk, he'd just get furious. Finally, one or two weeks after he'd resumed drinking, he confessed. He said that this woman had been living in the city where we live, but gone away a few weeks before I'd gotten that anonymous message -- back to the country where she came from (this just happened to be the country to which my husband made that mysterious trip back in January, when she happened to be home visiting her parents)-- but that she'd come back to town a week earlier to tie up some business and that they'd seen each other every day. That they'd met in her hotel. They'd had sex. That things had been more involved than he'd admitted earlier. But that it had been a terrible experience, that he had nothing but regrets. She'd been using him as much as he'd been using her, and he wished he could undo it all. That he'd been a fool, an idiot about the whole thing. When I asked him about it, He now admitted that he'd made that trip abroad because of her, that she'd reminded him that she'd always wanted to visit her native country but denied that he'd seen her while he was there. <BR>It also came out in this confession that there'd been a big scene because he found out that while she'd been in town, she'd seen her old boyfriend (despite the fact that she had promised not to) and had slept with him. <BR>At first, I was just so relieved that he was finally being honest, it gave me hope that maybe we could weather this, too. I was understanding -- amazingly so. No tantrums. I felt like I had probably contributed to making this happen, and I wanted to get down to the process of fixing whatever had gone wrong, and it didn't seem like freaking out would help that process. He said I was a saint. But it soon became clear that he still didn't want to talk about that process, still didn't want to address the problems in our lives and relationships that caused this to happen. He said he'd stop drinking, but that I had to give him some time to think about things, some time to deal with himself. <P>OK. I didn't like it, though. Finally, I got impatient. I knew I couldn't talk to him. I kept feeling that the fact that he wasn't willing to talk about it what was going on, what had been going on, meant that he didn't care enough about what we had to try to save it -- despite the fact that in all this time, in the six months that this had been going on, he had taken the trouble to hide it from me. I had to know if he was still e-mailing her, what the situation was, I couldn't stand it anymore. So, I looked at the hard drive of his computer at home, searching for recently modified files that contained webmail addresses. I found her e-mail address, I found his clandestine e-mail. Then I searched for new html files containing these addresses, and hit the motherlode. I found html files of all the messages from her that he had read that day, many of which also contained excerpts from his messages to her. <BR>Conclusion: he's still writing her. <P>Not only is he still writing her, but between there arguments about which one of them is a less trustworthy person (it's always the other one...), they send each other erotic messages and he's asked her to look into the job prospects for him in her hometown abroad, into the costs of an apartment there for him (both of them, I suppose). <P>I feel like a complete fool. I thought he had decided to be honest with me, I thought that there might be a chance of saving our relationship. But he hasn't, and I guess that means there isn't. <P>I now know way, way more about this relationship, what went on it, where they saw each other, what they did, how they said they felt about each other, than I ever would have learned from him, even if he'd wanted to be honest. And I wouldn't have learned it, if he'd tried to be honest: I would have kept my paws off his computer if he'd seemed to be trying to be honest with me. I now know for sure that he did see her during that mysterious trip abroad (despite his denial) -- the one that should have aroused my suspicions to begin with -- I even know that they had sex in a semi-public places (truly more than I wanted to know), both there and here in the city where we live (and now I'm thinking, why didn't he ever want to do that kind of thing with ME?). They had sex in our house, while I was at work or away for the evening. I know that they'd planned a trip together, that he'd even bought the tickets (probably on MY credit card), but that the trip was aborted for some reason. I know all kinds of things I won't even bother wasting your time with.<P>And still, he won't talk to me. He won't show me even that much concern. It looks like he's planning to move abroad as soon as he can get the money together and an appropriate job arranged, and then he will walk out of my life. He won't tell me about their plans -- I guess maybe he's hoping he'll be able to fool me into thinking that he didn't go to be with her, and will thus be able to come back to me if things don't work out. That's what it looks like anyway -- and now, I can't ask him otherwise, without admitting to him that I've been snooping where I wasn't supposed to be, which will, itself, give him a reason not to talk to me, not to trust me in the future. <P>I guess at this point, I'm not expecting us to be able to talk our way out of this one, not this time. But I'd still like to know what he wanted from me, what it was I didn't provide, why he couldn't come to me when he started to feel unhappy in our relationship, why he didn't turn all the emotional energy he spent on her the past six months to trying to improve what we had together, instead of to destroying it. <P>I feel so sad it's almost unbearable. <P>

Utterly...<P>First of all...{{{{HUGGGGGGGZZZZZZ}}}}<P>That was one difficult story to write, but it seems as though part of you wanted to get it all out because you can't with your husband right now, so I applaud your cleansing!! There are some things that are really striking about your story...<BR>There were signs of his infidelity, and they seem to be tied to his drinking binges, and I think you have figured that out now. He would try to drown both his guilt, and his seperation from OW by diving in the bottle. That way he didnt have to deal with you or being apart from her. He also only gave you enough information about the A, so that he could quell your suspicious nature, but never the whole truth. He gave you what he thought would get you off his back so he wouldn't have to come clean.<P>As far as infidelity, he is in the midst of a crisis because he found out that who has been cheating with him, is also cheating on him. His *male ego* cannot handle this, so he is going to try *prove* he is better than the former boyfriend. It sounds to me as though he has turned this into a competitition for her affections. Unfortunately, you are the one that is in love with him and until your discovery of total infidelity, you believed you were doing what was right. Not only that, he feels safe with you, in that, if anything happens with OW, you will be there to pick up the pieces, so to speak. He has nothing to lose, thus far, in his eyes. Between the drinking, and the affair, you *are a saint*. <P>It is time to protect you, and him. Read *Surviving Infidelity*, and as many of the posts in here as you can about recovery. I sense your H is one that is not going to let go of this A very easily, even when he is telling you he is. You have every right to snoop right now, he can't trust himself, how can you trust him? Get him to read with you. Print out sections in here that you feel are relevant, and have him read them. In the meantime, I say, be honest with him about what you have found and what you know. If he gets angry, it is because you found the truth and hes embarrassed and wrong. YOU have every right not to trust him!! He lost that right by lying and concealing it!! You need to read and start Plan A immediately, and read Plan B. I think that it may be what shakes him awake. Yours is a classic case of the cheater being cheated on and wanting what he may not be able to have. Chances are if she is cheating now, she has in the past and will in the future. You have alot of issues to deal with here, and I am not a professional, by any means, but counselling, either in here with Dr. Hartleys phone service, or independent on your own is something I would strongly suggest. Make your commitment to you first, and then let your husband know how much you love him, but that the line is being drawn in the sand now. <P>Good Luck...hang in there. Let us hear from you!!<P>True

Thanks for your kind words and counsel, trueheart. I'll be sure to give your suggestions a try -- particularly those that are for me protecting myself and helping me feel better about things. The timing isn't right for the suggestions about working with him -- it's just too late (or maybe, too early). Wish I'd had the courage to deal with all this sooner....<P>Telling my story did make me feel better -- I'm still very, very sad, but I don't feel quite so much like I'm about to lose it.<P>I think your assessment of our situation (or should I say *my* situation, since H seems to be moving out of the picture?) is dead-on. Your remarks are very perceptive. After I released some of my feelings about the circumstances by writing my story here, H and I were finally able to talk about some of what's been going on, without too much blaming on either side, and were able to get somewhere. Separation is now looming: that's what he wants, he says, three months apart for each of us to think about things. Something I've learned: having things out a bit more out in the open has sure made the atmosphere pleasanter at home. Once he saw that I would accept a separation without going completely ballistic, he stopped drinking, and we've been getting along like good ol' friends. The situation sucks for me, for both of us really -- but we're both trying to keep things low key, not make things worse by fighting. <P>He's in the process of planning a temporary move to the country where the OW lives. He has admitted to me that he's asked her to help him find an apartment. He still won't admit to me that it's about her and what he thinks he can get from her that he can't get from me. He still wants me to believe that he has no genuine interest in being with her, that the separation is only about him figuring things out for himself, about his gaining some independence and perspective, and that he just wants to go to the country where she lives because he can get work there and because he'll know someone there to help him deal with the day-to-day details he won't be able to handle because he doesn't know the language well. It's a ridiculous story, and I told him so, as nicely as possible. At first, I felt a little insulted that he'd think I could be so STUPID as to believe it, and wanted to "make" him admit the truth to me for that reason, but now I've realized that it doesn't make any difference now what he admits or doesn't admit to me. I know what the real truth is -- it's pretty clear that he's in love with her, or at least, thinks he's in love with her, and wants to see how things go with her. Whether he can admit that to me or not really doesn't matter. I overheard him talking on the phone to her, after we'd had our conversation about the separation: she was apparently a bit apprehensive about the fact that he might really show up, and I heard him ask her if it would make her feel better about things if he said he'd commit to staying there in her country for a year. <P>As volatile as I know their relationship has been, I don't know if any of this will actually come to fruition.... I also think it's really reckless that he wants to do this, that it could be dangerous to him. If he needs time to himself, to feel more independent, to think things through, that's one thing: but he ain't gonna get it if he moves to her hometown. He's being led by his testicles on this, and he's in a vulnerable state. I think he's so taken with the idea of having a young woman in love with him that his powers of reason have completely evaporated. He doesn't want to admit that whatever the difficulties in our relationship, any relationship with the OW is going to be twice as hard -- their relationship started with both of them betraying others, they've betrayed each other with their respective betrayees, there are the cultural differences, etc., etc. In six months, they've already had more ups and downs and craziness than we had in our first three or four years (and those were bumpy years, themselves, as I mentioned). Not to mention that he'll be very dependent on her when he's there because he won't know anyone else and won't know the language (thus, my sense that if it's independence he were really after, he'd choose another location). Anyway, it doesn't seem like a very promising relationship for him, so in that sense, it's not really a threat. I know that I could manipulate the situation so that he didn't go, if I wanted to. But I also know that if he didn't go because I manipulated him into staying, he'd resent me for the rest of our what would then be an even worse marriage. I don't know if there is a happy future for us together -- but I know for sure there won't be if I push him into something he doesn't want now. All I can do is hope he comes to his senses eventually, and if he doesn't, try to get over him, over this. <P>Thanks again.<P>

I don't understand why those who cheat cannot be honest with their partners. I bet that those jerks are selfish. They want to have a marriage, but remain single at the same time.