Married 7 1/2 years with two children (5 yr old boy and 1 year old girl)---found husband kissing another woman (from work) in her truck on Friday night/Saturday morning at 2:30am. Devastated--never ever thought he would do this. He called off work on Saturday and apologized profusely-said he would never do that again and doesn't even remember why it happened or that it happened-asked him how he knew he didn't do more-he said he just knew. I know my marriage was in trouble before this---we have been growing apart and Im a very demanding person....infact, I'm downright mean at times. I have said things that I know intensionally hurt him just to try to make him feel as lousy as I'm constantly feeling. Am on anti depressants and have been dealing with depression since late teenage years (am 31 now). I feel I drove him to this because he has never done or said anything to hurt me. He has always been loving and giving and I've constantly shut him out. I want to fix this but I don't know how----one thing he has done is lie-constantly through out our marriage. Not to just me, but to everyone about everything...from the dumbest things-such as-what he ate for lunch. I feel that he lies because he feels he will let people down of their expectations for him and especaially to me becaue I yell at him for everything-he never knows the reaction. Well, here we are with the most serious of marriage failures and I'm not yelling or screaming, just crying, quiet, and withdrawn. I've a lot of problems that have affected our marriage and he has his share, but I just can't get past their kiss. He confronted her today at work (my suggestion) and she was also remorseful saying she wasn't a homewrecker and can't believe that it happened. He asked her what happened and she said they talked about work, their childhood, and then started kissing. She said he said he didn't feel right about this and left (I saw his leaving her truck-don't ask me why I didn't stop them when I first saw it---shock I guess because normally I'm a very confrontational, outspoken person) I want to know why? He says he can't remember, but that makes me even more nervous. If he knew why he kissed her-how he felt when he was with her, so I could understand to find what I wasn't giving him (trust me, I know it's a lot, but I wanted something specifically), but he can't tell me. How do I know he won't get drunk again (a year from now, whenever) and have this happen again. Small notes-he doesn't drink-maybe one every few months, he told me recently he is very depressed a lot of times (shocked me, I never knew that and feel that he is because of the way I treat him). Help me-trying to go to a marriage counselor, but I neve thought I would say "My husband had an affair". Another thing is I feel like a hypocrit--I always said that if my husband had an affair or cheated on me, that would be it, the end-now here I am---what a joke I am? Please help me

D&P,<P>Well, your H has not really had an affair from what you have said, but he is/was on his way. I don't doubt that one bit.<BR>I don't think you have to ask him what she gave him that you are not. It wasn't even love, it was probably someone who just listened to him, talked (didn't yell) and was his friend.<P>From your own statements it is unlikely your H considers you his friend. In fact, it is likely you "just" his W, who he is tolerating because he made a promise. But from the sounds of it, that won't last too much longer.<P>So what to do?? Well, you have come to the right spot. You will find if you read NSR's general greeting, which is posted fairly close to yours on this section of MB, many articles by Harley, posts by other people. I would suggest that you read about Love Busters and how to eliminate them from your daily life. I would suggest you read about Plan A and see if you can impliment some of the things in there.<P>I would strongly suggest that you do a lot of reading here, and ask plenty of questions.<P>It seems to me you are already heading down the Plan A road because you are recognizing the aspects of your behavior that might drive your H out of the marriage. It is clear they must stop.<P>So read, post, and ask questions. People here will give you their opinions.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you so much---I know how right you are. I'm pretty sure he does only regard me as his wife and not a friend---as hard as it is to hear. I know that I'm not a good person and I want to change that. I love him immensely and want to work this out...I hope to save my marriage. I have done a lot of reading so far--printed out and downloaded a bunch of articles-especially Love Busters, the needs of a marriage, three stages of marriage, and the questionnaires. Do they really work though? I hope so because this is one of my last resorts....I am incapable of doing this by myself....

Never mind the "what a joke I am". You are not a joke. You've come to the right place, and yes, the concepts on this site do work. There are plenty of success stories of people on here that have been in very awful situations, long separations, torrid love affairs, etc.<P>Most people say they will not tolerate their spouse having an affair....until it happens. Look at all of us here that want our marriages back despite long affairs. It doesn't sound like it went very far, and hopefully it was just the kiss and talking. I would venture a guess that he is scared to answer why it happened. It happened because they enjoyed talking, needs are not being met at home (combined with LBs), and these "talking" situations are always what leads to an affair.<P>So, if they are both feeling bad that this happened, you just might be a very lucky person, because this could be the wake up call that many of us wish we got sooner than we did. You've found MB, so read and learn. I'd suggest you get HN/HN and even Surviving an Affair (it is just a good book to read).<P>Would your H recognize that you truly want to change and improve the marriage, and come to this site to read some stories about people that have gone from not feeling love to being totally in love, because they followed the concepts and worked on their marriage.<P>Too many people think the love of a marriage should just be natural, but it doesn't work like this. Has to be worked on. It is a big job.<P>How you know he won't do it again, is to start building a wonderful marriage, one that fulfills you both. I'd say you've taken the first step very well. You've admitted mistakes, and want to work on them.<P>Read about Plan A, and all the other stuff that you've already started on. Another good book series is Light Her Fire and Light His Fire, and also Relationship Rescue.<P>Good luck. I am sorry to hear of your pain, but it is encouraging that you've come here accepting of your role in marriage problems, ready to work on it. Keep it up.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited June 11, 2001).]

NO....you are not a joke!!<P>I agree with what has already been said, and just wanted to add that if you didn't care and didn't love him, you wouldn't be here at this site. If you are what you claimed, and only gave him one strike, that would be sad considering all that you two have together. I guess I would say that this *finding* you encountered was a wakeup call to your marriage!! You have been given a second chance....and together...you two have an opportunity to put it back together!! Go for it! Best of Luck...its gonna take some hard work and there will be some bumps in the road, so be ready!!<P>P.S....If youre gonna yell, yell together in triumph!!<P>True