Hi everyone...<P>It's been four weeks since I found out about my husbands one night PA that occured when I was 8 months pregnant and also found out about a budding cyber relationship with a "friend" of mine. (some stupid friend, sending my husband sexual stuff during my post partum period when intimacy is impossible!!)<P>We have read SAA. H is committed to doing whatever it takes to rebuild trust...etc. We are both in individual counseling now, him to work with issues (he's had counselors through the years, various diagnosis, I believe it mainly to be a self esteem issue), mine to mainly cope with the trauma/depression of finding out. MC to come later.<P>one of my main problems is I have a heck of time NOT thinking about what he has done. If it's not <BR>1)the awful visual images of him being intimate with someone else, it's the <BR>2)"I wish this never happened..." cycle I get on, or, last but not least the <BR>3)"why" & "who could he?" phase.<P>At least I'm over the phase of looking back and realizing certian explanations/behaviors/stories were lies. I think I'm finally done reviewing every detail I remember. <P>I do think I'm making some ground on my emotional well being... but I still feel like the A is the last thing I think of every night, the first thing every morning, and just about every minute of the day it's on my mind. It's a disgusting and depressing way to live. I almost wish I could have a lobotomy. <P>I still cry about 5 days a week. Sometimes at night, sometimes driving in my car. Once at my desk at work. Luckily the people around me probably thought I was depressed to be returning to work from my maternity leave.<P>Also it occured to me recently that every time I bring up my thoughts on the A's I'm reminding him of what he did. The last thing I want is HIM RELIVING WHAT HE DID in his mind. Heck, we both need lobotomies.<P>How long does it take to function like a normal person? I've stopped losing weight (I believe that's a good sign) <BR>I don't expect I'll ever be the same person again. I know I won't ever love blindly again either. <P>Sometimes I feel like my leg was cut off and I'm trying to nake it grow back and I just have to accept I no longer have a leg (or heart). <P>I really don't want to sulk through the rest of my life.<P>I think part of the reason I'm taking this so hard (other than it's just plain awful).. is that it was H that really wanted the pregnancy... I was nervous about introducing a baby into the relationship when I always felt he had high ENs (which I never minded, but knew he was demanding). Another thing is that during the pregnancy he got a job offer that was in another state (2000 miles away to be exact) and we moved. I quit a job I really liked (which paid more than his job offer) to allow him to pursue this "dream" job. I did manage to stay with my company, but honestly this job pretty much sucks (the only plus is they kept my salary the same). So I feel a lot of resentment that H got his baby, his job, and still had his A's and I just got royaly screwed. During this time of our relationship I thought I WAS meeting his needs... I'd done everything right.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I wish I did, but read my own post and you will see that we are in the same boat. I, too, am in misery right now. Maybe others here farther along the path to recovery can offer you something that will help. <P>All I can say to you is that I am hurting just like you are. I have only had one response to my cry for help. Not very encouraging to me, but one is better than none. I know that yesterday when no one responded to me I felt even worse. I hope that my response to you will if nothing else let you know that someone read your words and cared enough to respond. I really hope everything works out for you. Believe me, I feel your pain.

I really don't think you ever get completely over a betrayal by your H. My husband had a 6 1/2 year affair which ended May 1998. I still think about it every single day but it does get better--the hurt and sorrow doesn't come in a rush of anger, rage and pentup tears quite so often. I don't get quite so depressed so often thinking about the affair. Mostly I want to know the why, how, where---many questions that have'nt been answered yet because he won't talk about it. I need that. If he would be honest and open with me I could have moved ahead more quickly. <P>I really think I was more depressed before I found out about the affair because I didn't know what was wrong with our relationship and he wouldn't talk at all!! I went through couseling for a period of time. I had quit and then a month later found out about my H affair in an anonyomus letter. He denied the whole thing. I called the OW and met her--she read the letter and admitted to the whole thing! She said it was up to Steve to make a decision. She would not stand in the way if he decided to stay with me. I wish I would have asked her all the questions I now want to ask my husband. I'm sure she would have answered everything. I also behaved like a perfect friend, because that is what we were. Now I want to gag at how I acted. To this day I don't know how I drove the 20 miles home! The OW called my H and told her we were going to meet but he still never said a thing. Only after I had met her did he admit to everything. Said he loved me and <BR>wanted to stay with me. I told him we had to go to couseling. that is what we did but I don't think it helped me and for my H he went because that is what I demanded.<P>Now my marriage is slowly unraveling because he got picked up for OWI and I said he deserved it ( he drinks alot at home and at social occasions). I also dumped his vodka down the drain when I came home from work and found him drunk a month after the OWI.<P>He now sleeps in another bedroom located downstairs and so we hardly ever see each other until the evening when we watch TV. He won't talk. I have apologized etc. I have gone to Al- anon but...<P>What I have just said about my H drinking is not one of your problems. But from my experience with an affair--the memory becomes fainter but after 3 years it has not gone away completely.<P>Stay in there.<P>

For me it has been 5 months since I discovered my wife's affair. I know all the reasons and most of the details but still my mind asks "How could you have done this?" No matter what the excuse was, what the circumstances were this question probably always remains because there really should be no excuse for an affair. I don't like all the stuff I read about emotional needs not being met and so an affair happens. Also I don't like the idea of being so careful now to not upset one's partner or else they may leave or have another affair. You wonder what's wrong with people these days. Maybe we are not careful enough in the selection process. I guess there is no scientific way to do it.