This is a first time for me ao I'll tell you all briefly about my situation. I have been married for 9 years, happily I thought until a few months ago when my husband told me he has been unhappy for some time. He has developed strong feelings for a co-worker and she for him. He is very confused. He does love me and knows that "if" he can get over this OW we could have a better marriage than ever. BUT<BR>he hasn't yet made a decision what he's going to do. I have been in plan A and if it weren't for this OW we would be doing great. I have been reading him articles from this site<BR>trying to show him if he could just stay away from her he will eventually feel better but he cannot seem to make a decision.<BR> So, to any men out there, what can I say to him to lift him out of his fog and make him see he would be making a mistake to leave me and three children for another woman?

Plan A is what you can do. There is nothing you can say that is likely to suddenly change things. Once these feelings start, it is hard to stop them. They usually have to run their course.<P>I know that is not what you want to hear, but the important thing is to learn as much as you can from this site, such as Plan A, ENs, LBs, etc. You might be trying by yourself for awhile, but you've got to demonstrate that you are the best option.<P>You can always try getting him into this site, buy SAA and HN/HN books from this site, and see if he will read them.

Well, thankyou for your advice. I have been on this sight many, many times. I have printed out all the articles involving infidelity and H has read some. I have resorted to reading them to him. They are so insightful and provide me with hope. <BR> I think he knows what he should do but can't pull away from OW. Someone needs to ask her how she can live with herself pulling a man away from his three small children<BR>(3,7,8) who think he hung the moon. What kind of a person is she? And will he be able to live with the guilt if he leaves a wife who loves him (and who he claims to still love), a house, three kids, three dogs, everything he has worked for for the past ten years? All for another woman?<BR>I don't get it. It seems like he would be giving up a cart of apples for one.<BR> Anyone who can relate or would like to make any response, feel free. The only one who I'm talking about this whole situation is my mother-in-law, believe it or not.

dk32,<P>Your situation is so similar to mine that it gave me goosebumps! My H and I celebrated our 9 yr Anniversary on May 16 and 3 days later he revealed that he had feelings for a co-worker while we were on a weekend retreat. We have 2 children, ages 5 and 2. I'm so sorry you don't have anyone but your mother-in-law to help you through this. I am very fortunate that I have family and many friends helping me though this. Please email me if you need a friend!<P>Unfortunately my H moved out while he decides what he wants (a suggestion from our neighbor who has been down this road before). But one good thing is that the OW is out of town for the next 2 months. I still have faith that my H will be back, and feel that things can be better. Hopefully this is just our wake-up call to see what a wonderful thing we have here. <P>I would like to suggest that you hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Show him you can put this behind you and be the loving wife that he wants. (Just don't smoother him.) I know what you mean about the apple/cart thing. When I look at all my husband has...loving wife, 2 beautiful kids, nice home, comfortable living...I can't believe he would think twice about giving this all up. I know my husband sill loves me, so why is this decision so hard?<P>Did you know this co-worker? My H's co-worker had sort of become a family friend, even babysat my children on several occasions. I wish you the best of luck and will be watching for future posts from you. <P>P.S. You might want to get the book Private Lies. It discusses why people have affairs (emotional or physical). My husband started reading it one night while I was out and it really hit home. He was very upset with himself and I think it really made him think about what he was doing?<P>heckofagal

Thanks for writing. Our situations are very similar. In your case it is a blessing that the OW is out of town for two months. Perhaps this is all the time your H needs to get over her (come to his senses). How can any man leave his children and live with himself? <BR> My situation is weird. My H and I are just going along<BR>day after day and no one would know there is any problem.<BR>He tells me he loves me, we're having more and better sex than we've had in years and he says I have been great, he couldn't ask for anything else. So is he trying to ignore the problem by refusing to deal with it? I think he hopes it will go away by itself. And I don't feel I can force anything from him because a.) I may force him into another woman's arms and b.) I don't want to commit any LB while in plan A.<BR> So I am dealing the best I can. I am sometimes hopeful and then an overwhelming sense of despair washes over me<BR>and I can barely function. <BR> Continue with feedback anyone.

I know what you mean about the sex thing...My H and I had a "date" last week and he spent the night at our house... <BR>At first I didn't think we should do that, but I know that is at the top of his emotional needs (and my needs were met too!). Besides, he should know what he'd be missing if he never came back!<P>Does your H work closely with this OW? Would he ever consider getting a new job? My H works very closely with this OW and I've asked him to get a different job before all this because he works too many hours and doesn't have enough time for his family. He loves his job but he knows that if he comes back home to work things out that they cannot work together. He mentioned that he thought she would probably leave and go somewhere else, but I don't think I could just sit around and wait for that to happen. But if he wanted to come back home what choice would I have?<P>Would your H consider counseling? My H has been to one session by himself and we soon will go together.<P>I've put a few posts on here asking people if I should be questioning my husband about where he is on this thinking process, if he is moving towards any resolution...and I haven't gotten any responses. I want to ask him how things have been and where we stand but I don't know if that is a Love Buster??? Should I just wait for him to come to me when he's made a decision. I'm trying to hold out until after we talk to a counselor, but I don't know if I can.<P>Keep your strength and confidence. He will be amazed by it!!!<P>heckofagal

Let me try to answer some of your questions. First, my H is a nurse and the OW is also but not on his floor. He takes breaks with her or at least did though. He has been unhappy at his job for many years but has been there for 13 years and I think is afraid of leaving. He did say he would "probally" have to leave there "if" we get through this.<BR> As far as counseling, I'm still trying gently to get him to give it a shot. I think it would help but he says he knows what he has to do, which is make a decision. But he's not done it yet. I think I am going to make an appt. for myself though, I need it. All this pretending is getting to me. I read that you have to set a time limit on plan A. It gave an example of 6 months. That is so long, I don't know if I can hold out that long, mentally or emotionally.<BR> I don't know what to tell you about asking your H where he is in his decision process. With us it's different because my H hasn't left and acts like everything is fine.<BR>Just the other day I started a conversation with him and then wished I hadn't. He keeps telling me to bare with him.<BR>So I try and my hopes get up. Then when I questioned him he told me he was still as confused as he was when he first told me but he's working on it. How? He isn't pulling away from her or even trying. If I hear he's confused one more time, I'll scream?<BR> So ask at your own risk. Maybe your news will be good but what I wouldn't give to feel so hopeful again. <P>

dk32,<P>How is your situation??? Mine is about the same. My H spent the night on Thur. and we had a very passionate evening....but no signs of him moving back in yet. He has seemed very interested in the time I am spending with friends and the conversation seems to flow a little easier. I think we will be having another date on Friday. (The kids are staying at his mom's again!) I read the book His Needs/Her Needs and it is definetly a must have!!! In fact I skimmed some of the pages so that I could give it to him to read. I will also be seeing a therapist this week, kind of nervous about that! Let me know how things are going with you.

DK:<BR>What is it about being married for 9 years? That is our case too, and that number/year keeps popping up! My W sounds a little like your H in that they shows some signs of commitment BUT something else (or "someone else") holds them back. I've been in this for nearly 8 months. Plan A. No real signs of fog lifting here. I agree with Rick in that there isn't much we can do, ourselves, to lift it. I've tried just about everything. Sometimes, it just takes its course. Others have found success with Plan A and I hope, eventually, I can count myself in with them. When was your D-Day?<P>IFS/Mark

IFS/Mark,<P>Is your W still living at home? Is hers an EA or PA? Is it a co-worker, and if so, do they still work together?<P>Do you continue to have sex with Plan A?<P>Sorry, I guess I can't ask my H any questions, so I have to ask a complete stranger...<P>

Update on my situation: Went to Nascar race on Sunday with H and some friends. Everything was great all day until end when asked him who he was talking to on cell phone. He lied so I showed him how I could recall last 10 #s dialed on phone and proved he lied. I was very hurt. This should have been my day and he had called OW 4 times. <BR> Next day H went to work very hungover. He apologized for day before, before leaving for work. Called him at work and he was on break (of course, I assume with OW). I call again and by this time I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to day before, the dog ran away and the whole situation. I tell him I need some counseling because I can't take it anymore. He says we'll talk when he gets home.<BR>He calls before he comes home to tell me he is going to go to talk to OW. What was said I still don't know. H tells me that night that he is not going to leave me. I feel better but not secure. Will he keep changing his mind like some do? Will he stop seeing OW soon or will this drag out for a long time?<BR> I read him 2 articles last night about withdrawal from his lover, hoping he will see he can get over her if he doesn't see or talk to her.<BR> Question: After the cell phone thing I took the battery out. At first I thought I lost it and told H that. Then I found it but haven't told H. Is this wrong? H can't use cell phone to call OW all the time but nor can he call me.<BR>He has been calling me collect the last two days from work.<BR>Should I admit I found the battery and let him have the phone back? Or should I continue to make it more difficult for him to talk to her?