Hi everyone. I'm new to this site, and new to being betrayed. Like everyone I suppose. However, I need some advice and relatively quickly. We're going to see a counsellor this afternoon - my husbane admits that things aren't well with our marriage - needs to work out what it means to love etc. However, I know he is having an affair (probably not by his definition - maybe no sex yet). Question - how do I get him to admit it? I have the evidence (emails mostly) - however every opportunity I have given him to be honest has got nowhere. We're working through our emotional needs etc - but this is a major barrier. I feel he is working to a plan that I don't know about. I love him very much and he is causing myself and himself incredible pain. <P>Any advice???!!!

How do you get him to admit it? that is the $1 million question. Unless you catch him in the act he probably wont admit it, they never do. But my question is, is he having an affair or are you just feeling insecure and reading things into it that just aren't there? Sometimes your imagination can get the better of you, not saying you are imaging this. If he is or not I don't know but I will pray that either way you will know and you will do what is right for you in your situation<BR>

Start by reading the books "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters". They are all written by Dr. Harley. These books will give you a clear road map of how to handle your husband's emotional affair and how to recover your marriage.

Also read all of the material on this web site.

How do you get him to admit it. In most cases the BS has to find out and then hold the WS's feet to the fire. But in some cases the WS comes to understand the need for total honesty in a marriage (See "Rule Of Honesty" Surviving an Affair").

Then keep posting here. You have come to the right place.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. We are reading His Needs, Her Needs - it is great - explains a lot of how we got to be in this situation.<P> It went okay at counselling - I raised the issue of him being in contact with this other woman, and he did admit that they were, that they had spent a weekend together, seen each other several times (she lives quite a distance away) but maintains no sex. I don't know if I believe this last part - but oh well. <P>The issue is where do I go with this now? He knows I know -so I feel he is going to be extra cautious. There is a social function coming up at which she will be present. I am supposed to be going. Do I go? If so, how do I interact with her? Should I ask him not to go?<P>I need him to know how much this is hurting me - how much this is hindering any positive growth in our marriage. I feel like I am in the deepest, darkest pit - I have uni exams coming up, finishing my job and need to look for another one - it is all too overwhelming.<P>I also feel I need to protect myself - have evidence he is re-arranging his financial affairs and will one day just present me with a fait accompli about our marriage etc. so that I cannot argue with him. Am I being paranoid? or should I be seeking advice to protect my legal and financial interests? To do so feels like a betrayal of our marriage, but I feel I need to be prepared.<P>This is a great site - feel very encouraged, but how long do I have to go around being nice, loving him, accepting when he skulks off to read email, or sneaks away for a day or two. I want so much to make a scene, demand he doesn't see her any more...... but it wouldn't help would it.

I am also new to this. I just found out myself that my husband had an affair. He didn't confess out right but I new in my gut that he had.Too many things weren't adding up. Anyhow,I finally did something different. I put his bible in front of him and knowing him he wouldn't lie. So i asked him to put his hand on his bible and swear to God that he did not cheat on me. That's all it took for me. He right away said that it was a dumb idea. So, I did it. I looked him in the eye with my hand on my bible and swore to God that i did not cheat on him. He just couldn't do it. And I knew. I don't know what else to tell you. But it has to come out. Your marriage can't heal until there's honesty.