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#406711 06/15/01 09:24 AM
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 18
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 18
This is my first time here so please bear with me as I ramble. To give some introduction. I am 48 and my wife is 45. We have been married 22 years and have 2 adopted children ages 15 and 10. Our relationship has not been doing well over the past 10-15 years due to various typical marriage breakers such as not communicating well, not being supportive of each other,ignoring the other spouse's feelings, and on and on. From the discussions we have had my wife indicated to me that over the past years,when she has said that something was wrong with our marriage, I basically just shrugged it off and said that she was depressed and she should go see someone. There are other instances throughout our marriage that I have not supported her or valued her opinions on things. I know that it takes two people to break down a marriage but after some deep soul searching, I think that a lot of the things that she has said are true. <P>She has basically told me that she can't feel for me as a wife does for her husband and that she is staying together for the kids. I have told her over and over that I love her and I have been trying to do things that show that I care for her and want the marriage to become stronger. Maybe I am overdoing it and maybe crowding her, I don't know.<P>Now for the kicker. She works in a health club as a personal trainer and manager. Over the past year she has gotten into long distance running and body building. She ran the Marine Corp. Marathon last October which was her first one ever. There was a man in the gym that worked there also who was a bodybuilder and she and he started to train together. Let me digress a bit and say that she said the main reason she started running was to have something for herself to do because our relationship was not good. I guess she started bodybuilding for the same reason. Anyway, I guess I was too trusting in thinking that she was doing this for herself and, suffering from low self esteem, this might help her. She said that this guy was just a real good friend. I really found out differently in early April when she had some outpatient surgery for a female problem. She almost insisted that he come also to the hospital. While waiting to go in we all talked but I felt I was just in the way. After the operation was over and she was still in recovery, she wanted him in there also. The next day after the operation some female friends came to see her and he called just to see how she was doing. She talked to him like their relationship was more than just friendly. Talk about feeling like dirt. I confronted her about it and she got mad and said how could I bring something like that up when she was feeling so bad after the operation. I admit it was terrible timing and apologized. After that I started to be nosy and eventually found some cards that supported my feelings. I confronted her with it on my birthday and she said they didn't mean anything.<P>I have off and on checked her pager and cell phone redial button and have found she is calling him. Since the last part of May this man does not work where she does.(Prayers do work) My wife used to work out with him every other day and he used to give her messages as he is also a message therapist. After I realized what might be going on I said I didn't really want her working out with him or having him give her messages. She has since started working out with another lady or by herself and as far as I know has not been getting any messages from him. But now she is mad at me for her having bad workouts and not being motivated to bodybuild. she still runs but has a bad hamstring and is getting discouraged. I told her that I wasn't against the bodybuilding workouts but just with him. I really don't know if they have had a sexual relationship but I think it is more a emotional attachment.It appears she talks to him at least once a day and he is probably giving her advice that is against rebuilding our marriage. I think that if it wasn't for him we could maybe work things out. maybe not but at least I would be competing on level ground. <BR>I think her judgement is clouded because although they probably just talk, he is there to lend support so why should she take a risk on us again. We are going to counseling today and this morning she said I should be ready to do the talking because she is just going to answer questions. I know we have a whole lot of issues to work on and it is going to take time. I have been trying Plan A I think but it is very hard when the other person is unresponsive. I consider myself a patient person but am losing it. Please help. Thanks for your time.

#406712 06/15/01 09:39 AM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 4,297
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 4,297
Welcome to MB. I am sorry that you are in need of what this site has to offer but you have come to the right place.

I'm off to work this a.m. so will need to keep this short.

Start by reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's sold on this website, many book stores and Amazon.com. While you are waiting for your book order to arrive, read all of the material on this website. This will give you the road map to put your marriage back on track. Nope, I don't get a commission for suggesting the books. It's just the MB philosophy works. My husband and I both feel that it saved our marriage and is helping us recover from his affairs.. We only wish I’d found it years ago.

I would highly recommend that you make an appointment for a counseling session with Dr. Harley or someone on the MB staff. They do phone counseling. This might help jump-start your marital recovery.

So read, read, read and post, post, post.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>


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