I found about about husbands affair 2 days before our 10th anniversary. He had a one night stand with a flight attendant while on a business and they met again 8 months later for a 3 day rendez-vous. The last incident happened over 18 months ago, however, a chance encounter on the other side of the US had stated an email encounter. I found some of the emails from her and thought my life was over, I could not breathe...etc.. anyway, I agreed to meet my spouse in Europe (for a already paid trip for our anniversery) to try to work things out for a month, with no destractions. However, now that we are back to our lives, I cannot see past the incidents.... I feel so lost and betrayed, I think about his deceitfullness everyday... to make things more complicated I got pregant on our trip... although intimate relations have been non-existent since our return....we went to a chaplain and I am not sure I want that route... help- will I ever get past this?<BR>

First of all, please don't make any drastic choices. You are pregnant, and you need to find a way to have less stress. (I know, easier said then done) If you have an friends (NEUTRAL FRIENDS WORK BEST)it may be a good idea to spend a weekend with them, perhaps two. Right now you need to find a way to relax and do something that will take your mind off of it. I spent two weekends with my friends who happen to be out of state, BEST DAMNED choice I have ever made when my wife and I split.<P>After you get some rest and relaxation, then move to the next step on what you want to do. What lead to the affair, etc. There are surprises that no-one can tell you about. But first of all, you must take care of yourself. And keep telling yourself that there IS life out there. <P>In my past relationships, I have had to go through 4 infidelities. <P>I know it's tough, it hurts like hell. I almost fainted when I heard my wife tell me she had an affair a few weeks ago. <P>You need to be with friends! After all, that's what they are there for.. To help you in hard times. Friends are the BEST medicine for you right now.

thanks for the advice, my spouse is military and we moved to this area 2 1/2 years ago, after spending 4 years overseas, so most of my good friends are across the US, plus we have a 4 y/o girl and my hubby is leaving next year for a one year tour (remote- no families allowed!)now how do I trust then? he swears his love and says he cannot believe what he has done, but 1 year???<BR> <BR>no drastic measures yet, I have a great job, so even if I did leave, I would have to look for a transfer to be near family/ friends. I just feel lost and that I need help, but counselors here are few and far between... I told my best friend (3 states away) about it and hubby actually was upset that I told his secret! I feel that I have no one to turn to (I cannot confront our mutual friends as his job has certain moral stipulations and this may jeapordize his career- like I care- but he still is the father of my child, and soon to be another.) I feel consumed with anger and resentment for the OW, although she is states away, I really hate her as I feel she was just as much part of this as he was. <P>thanks again for listening<BR>

CHA, sweetie, i can so understand your story . I am married to an military guy who JUST got back from his 1 year remote, unfortunatly it is there where he had his A. Having been through it and recovering and survivng let me tell you a few things. First of all the 1 yr remote is really hard, take the time to plan a mid tour and go see him if you can . <BR> # 2 COMMUNICATION AND CONTACT. even miles away you can meet eacothers emotional needs even sexual ones to a degree.<BR> # 3 Talk talk talk PHONE LETTERS EMAIL all the time!!<BR> # takes every day as it comes and you will get through it set easy goals too. In our house i set up paper chains first for the months, then at 8 weeks did that one then at 30 days did that one. It helped me and the kids. <BR> Yes it is survivable, and yes you will be able to trust him again in time. MY h was gone 12 months came home for a short time and is now gone again for 4 months. He disclosed all about his A ( whach was a result of his emotional needs not being met, and feelings of lonliness from not being here with us) I trust him n more now than i did the 12 months. Wew are doing all we can to make sure the others comfort zones are met and not compromised. I know that he will not have anouther A and that he loves me with all his heart. His A was all physical, no emotions that stuck THANK GOD FOR SMALL BLESSINGS. I cannot stress enough when going through an 1 yr remote, you need to keep the needs fullfilled.<BR> This time for him i write daily, we call 3 + times a day ( not real economical whan in another country but still doable) We have phone dates, we send packages just because, he left me a ton of love notes ( put some in your H's luggage. And yes we have PHONE SEX, to put it bluntly, we do whatever we need to to keep both our needs met. ONe thing i do not do is throw the A in his face, it is done over and we are moving on to us ( a much better subject)<BR> Only you will be able to let you feel trust again, you will have to learn to do that or for 12 months your mind will tear you up!! I need to cut this short, i usually post in the recovery and Q2 boards, but will check in here for you from time to time. Here is a great big hug for you sweetie I know how hard it will be for you!! and i am here to give you what support i can!!!!!!!!!!<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>In even the darkest of places there is a capacity to love

thanks for your reply, it is comforting to know that other people have survived this hell. My hubby is away alot (well not now, as he is taking time away to help us) and it has been hard. We have been married 10 years and the previous bases have never required this much travel... I am so ready for this career to be over, only 8 more years. <P>It has been 2 months since the D-Day and it does not feel any easier. I do not want to throw the OW in his face, and I do not, but I cannot forget it, I think of it daily and it is driving me insane, I would love some type of medical intervention, but with a baby on the way it is not likely. It is hard to imagine ever getting past the way I feel now and ever forgetting about what happened. But the way I felt on D-Day and now are definately miles apart...it is just hard to see the light...<BR>Thanks again for your words of inpspiration-- it really helps on my dark days.<BR>PS- did you ever confront the OW, if not did you want to?<BR>

CHa,<P>One thing that I would highly suggest that you do, especially given your situation, is to try the Marriage Builder's phone counseling (coaching)---you can call 888-639-1639. The nice thing with this counseling is that you and your husband can both do it, no matter where you're located.<P>You're just two months past the discovery, so you're still dealing with a lot of pain shock right now. It takes time (a year or two) to start to really feel like you're recovering. Your husband's remote won't help either---that's another reason I would suggest the phone counseling. Steve or Jenn Harley (Dr. Harley's children do the counseling) will help the two of you work a plan out that will hopefully make you feel more secure while he's away. They're both terrific counselors and motivators. I hope you can give it a try.

Cha, <BR> I olny got to comtact the OW by email, I did almost contact her CO but that would have done nothing but gained he a slap on the wrist and hurt my H a lot more along wiht us. She did reply to me. And told me exactly what it was, for her just sex, andi know what her thought from talking to him. But in return i did get to give her my point of view and felt SO MUCH better for it. I do not want to hear a voice I saw a few pics and that is enough to settle with. <BR> Ok i also do not believe that it takes years to finally feel like you are in recovery, BUt THAT is just MY OPINION. My D day was about 9 weeks ago too, but in my situation many things ave changed,. I also have the ability to put the important things in my head and discard the trash!! We are concentrating on US and doing a very good job right now.<BR> You will never FORGET the A, but to get through this and the remote you will have to not let it sit in the front of your head, all it will do is tear you up. Good luck wiht the baby, and if you do not mind what remote is he off too?? <BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>In even the darkest of places there is a capacity to love

Thanks for your reply and words of wisdom. I sent an email to the OW and she replied with words of sorry and how she turned her life around and how wrong it was, My H also emailed her to let her know he had no feelings for her and it was over (since it was a chance meeting across the US, he says he did not have a phone #). She has never replied past that, but I have thoughts of confronting her...hopefully those will pass...because before I would even be able to travel there to do it, it would be almost a year past D-day, and by that time I hopefully will not want to waste my time and money on her. <BR>Thanks also for the advice to go to his remote to see him, I know he will take his month mid tour and come back here, but I intend to go there too. (He is off to Korea, which I have heard terrribel horror stories....- that definately does not put my mind at ease).<BR>I am not sure how long it will take me to get over this, I know that once I found out and met him at a TDY in Europe, I honestly never felt so close to him before. But now that we are back to our lives... I feel distant, he is trying so hard, but I cannot seem to move forward in the healing process, I tried the Chaplain, but I am not ready for that route yet, to me I need to understand the past in order to move and and prevent it in the future. H told me last night it was all physical, not emotional, but that he felt I was pushing him away when he was with her the first time... I am at a point right now that I cannot even seem to concentrate on my own needs, how do I focus on his?<BR>thanks again for your kind words.<BR>

You get through this together, Fill both your needs emotional and physical together. the key word is together. I have never been as close to my H as i am right now. and it feels so damn OPPS darn good. We aer also going to be getting out of the Army when his time is up ths time. We both decided that our famiy is more important and I could not stand for him to be sent away for a YEAR again. It is too hard on us and too hard on the children.<BR> Be happy that they are both letting oyu know it is over and was nothing, do not let it become more thatn it was in your head. It is not an easy road, recovery is the road less traveled, but it is the one with the greatest rewards. Just love him for what he is NOW now for you , for what he is showing you NOW. Try to let that past travel to the recesses of your mind. <BR>As for Korea i have heard bad and good, but all that should matter is making it a good and close time for you and your H.<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>In even the darkest of places there is a capacity to love

CHa,<BR>I know it is hard but sometimes you just have to do. Try real hard to fill his emotional and physical needs even though right now you may not feel like it. Some times to get the feelings of love back when you feel pain more is just to be more loving. To be more loving do more loving things. Don't focus on your pain but focus on your relationship. You have little control over him fulfilling your needs but you do have control over fulfilling his...so do your best...it gets easier.