Well, I just found out that my husband is having an affair. It was one time sexually, but probably two months emotionally. He says he loves both of us, and wants to work it out with me, but can't do that until he is sure he can let her go. He has been wonderfully honest and has answered all my questions. The problem is, the reason it all began is that he is not happy with life. Dreams of being a musician, it's a passion that consumes him. If we stay together he wants to sell everything move away and live on the road trying to get a music career going. That doesn't sound fun to me. What a double whammy!!! First I learn of an affair, then I learn if I want to stay together, I have to give up EVERYTHING!!! I love him with all my heart, but would it be better to just let him go?

Yipes!<P>I feel for you. I am in no state to give you advice. I don't know what to do for my self. I just found out about my wayward slimeball husband and he hasn't had the nerve to face me yet. But I thought you should know We are all here to help. I hope that things will work out for you. Maybe you can compromise and perhaps if you get back together you can build your relationship for a year or so then consider following his dreams. Hang in there. *hugs* -Bri

Jasmine1, your H is being selfish and dumb! I am so sorry he is doing this to you.<P>I am a WS about 4 most + in recovery now. I chose to confess. At one point I had convinced myself I loved both my H and OM. Yet I knew from the start I would NEVER marry OM no matter what. It sounds snobby but he was "beneath me" (pardon that horrible pun--not intended) I even was so mixed up I asked OM if he wanted me to leave H and kids and he answered no. I was relieved but not smart enough to cut him off.<P>Your H only thinks he loves you both. I'm no expert but from reading here I think most betrayers still love their spouse. They just get to fulfil a few forbidden fantasies with A and become deceived that it's "love" when all it really is is lust. <P>Your H is being totally selfish to put conditions on you and has no right to do that to you. Your M will not heal by "running away" and he is definitely not considering your emotional or even physical basic needs for shelter by his "dream." <P>You need to get your hands on some books...Dr. Harley's How to Survive an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs by Harley and I would recommend James Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough. I know you likely feel too distraught for reading but just read what you can handle and keep at it. It will help.<P>So glad you came here as you will find tremendous support. People from both sides of the fence will post/reply and give you valuable insight. You have to make your own decisions but you have found a place where people will help you lean to the right choices.<P>I pray for you as you face this painful journey. May there be healing for the hurt inflicted on you and healing for your M. I often wish there was an emoticon for a flower here to show an offer of comfort but hope you can sense it through my words. <P>Hugs,<P><P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Thank you both for your encouragement. It is good to talk with someone, as I have not breathed a word of this to anyone. H is well respected at my large church, he is considered a leader there. I don't want to ruin his rep, so have kept all to myself. <P>I know you are right about the love vs lust thing. And I think he knows it too. I am also concerned that "running away" is not the answer, it will provide more instability in our marriage. He sees that point as well, but I am afraid if we continue w/ the same journey we are on, he will continue in unhappiness and this will happen again. I think subconsciously, he did this to give me an "excuse" to leave him, thereby freeing himself to follow his dream. <P>I think there may be a compromise here somewhere for us - giving him ability to do what he wants and me security and stability I desire. I just don't know how. I also don't know if I should be telling people or not. Should I submit to the covering of our church by telling, or will that make it worse? I don't want to cover things up, but in a sense, it's no one's business!!<P>Thanks again for listening and thanks for all advice!!!<P>PS I agree, I need to do some reading, I am debating where to start. I want to chose my reading according to the path H and I chose to take. If we are going to work on this, I want to read something together. Lucky for me, I am a total bookworm/nerd (see occupation!)<p>[This message has been edited by jasmine1 (edited June 21, 2001).]

Jasmine, start with Surviving an Affair, is my suggestion.<P>Wow, h is a leader at church. I was a pastor..still am till we resign officially on Friday. What a small world online here!<P>How are things going?

Things are ok, I guess, we start counseling on Monday, and H is transferring at work that day too. He is questioning if he wants to stay, or if he should just start over with a brand new life. I am wondering if I want to stay with someone so selfish and willing to hurt me. We will see what happens...