I am 32 and H is 33yrs old. We have been married for 9 1/2yrs. We also have a beautiful 17mnth old boy. I loved my husband with all my heart,and thought he loved me too. Our relationship was the type that others envied. We were not only lovers but the best of friends, my soulmate.<P>Its now been 2mnths since i dicovered my H was having cybersex(sex chats) with a woman his age and an affair with a younger girl(16yrs old). But most days like today it feels as though i just found out.....<P>At first my husband was in denial, but when we went to our first counselling session at his request he finally admitted to everything. I was so devasted i just wanted to walk out. My world was collapsing and i felt so crushed. How could he do this to me? Doesnt he have a conscious? I thought he loved me,how can he hurt me this way?<P>The second session i found out why he did this. His reason for meeting this girl was to have sex with her as she was "thin". Yes i am overweight! I have put on weight when i was pregnant to my son and havent lost all the weight since. My H doesnt agree that he had affair as he claims he didnt love her, but just wanted sex from her. After i found out about their meeting i IM the girl and confirmed with her and H that they didnt have sex, but they still kissed and fondled each others private parts. To me that is still betrayel of an affair! I dont know what else it could be?<P>My 3rd and recent counselling session, my counsellor told me to vent all of my feelings out, anger and frustration. Otherwise i will fall into a depression, if im not already there and it will eat me away like cancer.<P>I try to speak out what i feel most times, But sometimes i feel there is no point as my hurt will stil be here. My pain will still ache, and my tears will still flow. How can i get past this? Everytime i look at my H it reminds me at what he has done. How can i forgive? Why am i putting myself through this? Maybe its just not meant to be, to still be able to hurt so much. <P>You know i hate what he has done, but i still love him. How could i still love someone who has hurt me so much. He says he loves me and that he is sorry and wants to make our marriage work. How can he love me and put me through all this pain. I just dont know what i am going to do. I feel so humiliated and hurt. Maybe i should just leave! Just walk away! Just go!! I cant write anymore........... <BR>

did i read right he is having or had a PA with a 16 yr old. Is it still going on, do they have contact?? SOrry it is the mom inme that is coming out. Hon all healing takes time and this is a great place to get support. I would be really concerned about the 16 yr old, and her parents too. do they know what happened. I am still flabbergasted abotu the 16 yr old. sorry<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Dear "tearsofsorrow"<P>I am so sorry to hear about your heartache. I feel for you and your sweet 17 month old baby.<P>I know what it feels like to be overweight. I put on weight after my son was born - four years ago!! somehow I can't seem to drop it off. I really try, but I guess I am not trying hard enough.<P>The key now is to vent here on this site. It has done wonders for me to know that the people here do care genuingly about all who post here. <P>Did your husband actually say he was sorry? Well, that's a start, and a good one. At least you got a confession out of him. Now I know it will be difficult and you were not the one who did anything wrong, but don't throw away your marriage. Just hear him out and see how you feel. I know you might want the gory details, but spare yourself that.<P>Do investigate about the 16 year old as that is a very serious thing and the law could be involved. To avoid humiliation on top of heartache - well, you wouldn't want to face that.<P>After you clear this up, he has some serious making up to do. Encourage him to visit this site, and that could help you both. Get him to take the steps needed to heal your marriage back.<P>Keep your chin up, although I know at this stage this is hard to do. But do it for yourself and your son. Take everything one breath at a time, one minute at a timem one day at a time. Gradually, your pain will ease, though at this point you don't feel that way.<P>Believe me,it will, and you will be stronger for it. By the way, are you a Christian? Then pray to God and ask him for strength to see you through each day. Lean on His everlasting arms, and he will carry you through it. He works.<P>Thinking of you and praying for you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>CPL

Maine<BR>Unfortunately you did read correctly. My husband had a PA with a girl so young. I was just as horrified and still am. I know he isnt in contact with her anymore. I saw him email her the day i found out and told her the truth his real age, as he told her he was 27yrs old, and he confessed to her that he is married with a child and made a huge mistake <BR>and wont contact her again.<P>I was so disgusted with him when i found out as i too would feel the same if i had a daughter of that age. I was aware he would chat to this girl from time to time as he often went into the chat rooms. But he lied to me and told me she was in her "twenties". And i the fool believed him and trusted him that it would not go further than the screen. From what i know her parents dont know. Through her emails to my H i learned that she has her own problems, with her father having a mistress and her mother knowing and accepting this. So she was very vulnerable and my H took advantage of her. <P>I feel so ashamed that my H is capable of all this. I am unable to confide to anyone, family or friends as they would be totally shocked. I am so humiliated!<P>Tears..

Caribgirl<P>I always imagined that my son will grow up with the love and guidance of both parents being there for him, looking after him together as a whole family. Now i cry when i look at his innocence that this may not happen. If it wasnt for him i probably would have given up on life, on everything. He is what keeps me going.<P>I will continue to vent here as i am unable to reach out for help to anyone else. I feel so alone at the moment!<P>I have already asked for the gory details from the start. I dont know why, as the hurt is now greater. I now have visions of him and her together in my head over and over. But i just had to know!<P>Yes he has said sorry, and promised to be a better person. He has even shed the tears with me. He has rung me up from work and left "sorry" messages on our answering machine. But sometimes i feel that i just need him to comfort me when i break down in tears after our discussions on our relationship. Sometimes i just need him to hug me tight and never let me go, and tell me that he loves me and everything will be ok..<P>When i fell pregnant with my son and started to show my husband became very distant(sexualy). This will probably shock you and everyone else but we did not have sex for 2yrs, since my pregnancy. Everytime i mentioned it he would always either ignore me,looking away not wanting to talk about it, or say he is tired or that he might hurt the baby. I was so embarrased about the whole thing, maybe deep down i knew i became unattractive to him. I began to feel frustrated and indirectly taking out my anger on my H on just about anything. I felt unloved, unhappy and unattractive. I also took up smoking again after i gave up when i found out i was pregnant as i felt that was my comfort zone when i felt lonely and depressed. Others might feel this is a poor excuse, but thats the only one i can give right now.<P>Only now at our counselling session does he admit to losing his sex drive because i was pregnant and unattractive. Then when i had my son i was still overweight so his sex drive never returned. He tells our counsellor that he didnt talk about it as he didnt want to hurt my feelings. Can you believe this. He is basically meaning that he would ruin our marriage and have a PA with OW than tell me this. However, after he started his sex chats with the OW(same age as him) over a period of 3 or 4mnths he instigated sexual advances to me, and yes we finally made love. Everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I couldnt believe it, but didnt say much as by now even me being a woman was totally frustrated without it. We both though discussed that we had alot of catching up to do and that our sex life was better than ever. However, after we made love my H sometimes would say that if i lost weight, imagine how much better our sex life would be. Every time he said this i felt crushed. He could see this im sure as he then assured me that what we have is still great. How alone i feel right now just thinking back to those moments. How humiliating. So now when i asked him why we suddenly get our sex life back if he is so turned off by my weight and he said that talking to the OW about sex got him going and in the end it wasnt as bad as he thought, he found that my weight wasnt a problem. I cant believe this has happened. I cant believe i am writing all this down. I guess i really did take you advice caribgirl....i definately vented tonight. I feel relieved that i have told someone, anyone even if it is just writing down.<BR>Thank you for caribgirl for your hopefulness. I hope i do become a stronger person for my son and our future as right now i feel so weak. I am christian, my faith though isnt as strong as it use to be. It would be hypocriticall of me to ask god for help now that im in this nightmare. Sorry!<BR>Anyway thanks everyone for listening....<P>Tears<P>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited June 23, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited June 23, 2001).]

OH sweetie i will reply soon i just read it all and got called on account of momhood.<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Yesterday i went to the bookstore and bought some of Dr Harleys books, GIVE&TAKE,LOVEBUSTERS and YOUR LOVE &MARRIAGE as they didnt have anything else in stock. I showed husband and he was keen to start reading them also. I have ordered HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS so i will wait for that one. I wanted to ask about SURVIVING INFIDELITY but was too embarassed to do so. Maybe ill ask about it when the bookstore rings me. I better start reading so that i can find out a way out of this mess and get a clear understanding as to why this has happened.<P>Tears<p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited June 24, 2001).]

Hi tears of sorrow<P>I wasn't online yesterday, so I didn't sign it. I hope your Sunday was okay.<P>My dear, you are so wrong about our loving Heavenly Father. Why would you think it would be hypocritical? didn't he tell us in his Word that we should call on him in times of trouble. Where do you think all the prophets and great kings went when they were faced with seemingly insurmountable difficulties? They cried out to God. Remember David? He did so many terrible things and when he called out to God, God heard his cry and came to his rescue. He can do the same for you. All you need to do is to remember the One who saved you from sin - yes, it's the same Jesus, yesterday, today, forever. When you feel overwhelmed by these troubles with your husband, get on your knees and ask him to see you through and he will. It doesn't matter whether you've been far away from him or not. He promised he would never leave you nor forsake you. <P>Is your husband a Christian too? If so, then you both must pray everyday TOGETHER and tell God about your problems and ask for help. Even if He knows everything, you must still bring "everything to God in prayer".<P>It is good that he is leaving messages on your machine and from what you tell me he seems to be genuingly sorry. I think you should take it from there, and yes, do read those books. I have HNHN and I just bought LB.<P>My situation was that I think my husband was having an EA and I caught it just in time from seeing the long-distance tel. bills. He could not deny that he had been calling this French woman, but denies any PA. I have no alternative but to believe him, since he cut all contact with her from that time on (Feb 2001). He has made a lot of improvements towards me but some things he has to be more consistant with. I also had a weight problem, but now it is beginning to get under control. He is encouraging me every step of the way. I have lost about 10 lbs already and this motivates me. My husband is not saved so there is no one within the household to hold me up in prayer. The weight is entirely upon my shoulders. But thank God, I'm getting there. <P>I do feel frustrated sometimes because my husband is not the type of person to really vent his feelings, but as I "coach" him, he tells me how he feels about most things. He had also withdrawn from me sexually, but didn't make any excuses. I just asked him straight out and he told me that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, that he knew how sensitive I was about my weight-gain, but he told me that it was affecting his libido somewhat. Well, I did cry that entire Saturday morning, but I was glad that he told me. It's strange, but we drew even closer after that revelation. Then I started seriously avoiding foods that made me put on weight, especially bread/pasta/rice/cereal/potato. These are killers! Now I'm completely off them and what a difference it has made!You could probably try it for a couple weeks and see what happens. Of course, exercise is a must.<P>Well, my dear, I'm happy you are venting. That was a pretty expressive vent, by the way. You just keep on coming here and get the support you need, okay.<P>You are in my prayers and I know you will get through this. God is on your side.<P>All my love<BR>CARRIE

Dear Carrie<BR>Thank you for your response. My husband is from a Christan/Orthodox background but doesnt follow religion at all. Maybe this is why i havent really kept up my faith. Discussing it together with my H over the years unfortnately makes think and question it alot. Also i guess seeing all the bad that happens in our lives and others around the world somehow clouds my faith. <P>When my H affairs first came out, he truly sounded sincere in regretting what he had done. But after a couple of weeks the "sorry's" stopped. We live like strangers, at first i slept on the sofa and he in our bed. Now its visa versa as he feels since he did wrong he should sleep on the couch instead. We only speak to each other when we have to, mostly to do with our son. I dont cook anymore, he irons his own clothes. I maintain the house so that i have a clean environment for our son though. I know you might think im harsh but thats how it is. Doing what he did has made me feel so "ugly" and "fat" that im cant even dress or undress in front of him anymore.<P>I read your post on you finding out that you H hd an EA with a French woman. I admire how you went straight into trying to repair your marriage. Where as i withdrew from my H immediately. How did you do this? Just go on to that step. How were you able to forgive? Would you have reacted differently if it was more of a PA? <BR>Also what improvements did your H do towards you? I feel as though my H and i only get to really express ourselves at our counselling sessions. Sometimes i wish he could say sorry to me everyday, and just be more affectionate when i break down and tell him how i feel. He just sits and listen with a look of regret. Almost everytime i feel he is just waiting for me to make the next move in improving our relationship, like lose the weight so we can go on to the next step of getting back what we lost. But now i feel like im being forced to lose the weight or else. I dont feel comfortable at all being overweight but i know that if i diet now, i will be doing it for him and not for myself, as i feel very pressured. H also convinced me to join a gym, so we both did 2 weeks ago, but i have yet to go as i have had a bad flu and cough that i cant seem to shake off. The other night i told my H how i felt and he just listened, then of course i broke down in tears and went to bed.<P>One more thing with the diet you are currently on, is that the no carb diet that i have read in another thread on "emotional needs" under "my W size is a problem"? Alot of posts on that thread spoke highly about it.<BR>Anyway enough of me rambling on.<BR>Thank you for your prayers!<P>Tears

Dear tears<P>Just read your post and will respond later or tomorrow morning. I'm at work now just getting ready to go home. Be well; keep praying.<P>Lots of love<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>CPL

Hello tears of sorrow<P>First let me apologize for delaying my response for 5 days. I just got so busy at work and when I got home, there was much to do so I had no energy to log on and chat a bit. Sorry about that.<P>Well, first of all, I was hurt-really hurt, but I felt that I owed it to myself and my marriage to find out the truth. Well, at first I checked all the long-distance telephone bills and noticed that the only times the calls were made was when I was out of the house - either at church, or still at work (my H got off earlier than I at that time). Well, I confronted him about the telephone number and he pretended not to know who it belonged to. Then I let a few days pass so I could cool off. Then on the Saturday night, I lovingly but persistently asked him for the truth. He admitted that he did make the calls to this woman and I asked why so often. He said they were just friends, etc. I told him that he shouldn't be that close to any woman - I don't care WHAT she is going through! I was very firm and he actually said that he was wrong, that he shouldn't have made those calls from home; to which I replied that it didn't matter where the calls were made from - they just shouldn't be made! I asked him to break off all contact, and he did! I was just surprised that it happened, and I have been observing to see if he was still talking to her, but he is telling the truth.<P>Well, that's my long story. Now even if I had forgiven him, I never stopped looking. I mean, you never let your guard down until you are well and truly satisfied that he is faithful. As you asked, I guess if it had been a PA, I would have been even more heartbroken, but would have gone about finding the truth the same way - by asking directly. I can't say what I would do afterwards - I guess sulk (I'm pretty good at that!) But somehow I would find a way to make it work again - if he was repentant.<P>The improvements he made afterward was that he became so much more aware of my feelings and my EN. Also I tried meeting his EN more. He insisted that I always did a great job, but nonetheless, I improved a bit.<P>I went on the diet I was telling you about. The first place I lost weight was my face, then my butt. Then my waistline came down some-I went up two notches on my belt. My clothes started fitting loosely-that's how I really knew. He began to really encourage me more and now I'm gonna start the gym this week to tone up on what I've already lost. I didn't get this diet on this forum - I just asked an expert and really, it makes a lot of sense.<P>Well, the thing is to be true to yourself. Lean on the strength of God to get you through this time. Be sure that you are doing it for yourself, but I feel that if it is better for your marriage, that could be a good reason too.<P>Please continue going to the gym - you do not have to wait for him to come with you! Get your self-confidence back! I must admit that I am sometimes low on self-esteem, but these few pounds that I lost have given me hope again. I encourage you to do this - it's the best thing. It is also good for your health.<P>Please let me know how you are doing, okay? Thinking about you and praying for you.<P>((((((hugs))))))<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>CPL

Carrie<BR>Thank you for your response. I fully understand at how busy life can get. Im sure you are using all the time you can to improve on your marriage by spending it together. So there is no need to appologise.<P>It great to hear your diet is working for you. I wonder if you are following a particular/strict method? Where did you find out about it, was from your doctor or from a book?<P>There has been a few nights lately where i have let my H sleep in our bed with me, as its been very cold here(down under) lately. Sometimes i feel like snuggling up to him like we used to. Most times i want him to do the same to me. But since things are so awkward with us....we just lay there seperate, in silence. Last night my H said that he feels sorry for our son, as he senses that we will never get it together to fix things right. Well i was pretty harsh then and did agree that what he did to me was pretty low and that i dont think i will ever get over it.<P>This afternoon im going to our next counselling session. I am supposed go with an attitude of putting some type of closure to all this and move on to the next step. My counsellor said that i should make a conscious decision and put closure to all this so that we can move on. But i dont think i am ready for this yet, or if i will ever be. This morning has been hard as i think and think about everything that has happned. I feel like i have been cornered into making this decision or else. I know when we go to counselling it sometimes feels that we are still at the same pace as we were a couple of weeks ago. Why do i still feel this way? He told me to vent all my anger so that when i go today, he can help us move on to the next step. By moving on he means not to talk about the A again. I dont think i can do this. How can I just not bring it up when it still effects everything i do, the way i feel, the way i act around my H. Now im wishing i should have postponed this session. Im so nervous about going. Maybe this is a sign that if i am not able to close this chapter, i will not be able to forgive my H at all. Who knows! We shall see how it goes. Gotta go!<p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited July 02, 2001).]

I feel so drained from our couselling session. <BR>I am so confused. My marriage is falling apart right before my eyes. Why is this happening? Why cant i get passed this? How can i not personalize, the fact that my H wanted to have sex with someone thin? How? How can i just put a closure on this when there is so much hurt? Will i ever be able to? Why did my H go so far, why couldnt he just tell me,just talk to me. How do you know when its time to let go. To give up. Why cant i just let it go like everybody else. I know some of you have had it worse, but i cant help feel so hurt, so betrayed. I cant stop crying... I hugged my son when i got home and couldnt stop crying, he is so innocent. I wish i could turn back time. But i know i cant, i feel so much pain, so much sorrow. .so lost. <BR>Maybe it is all my fault, if i had confronted my H earlier about our lack of intimicay and forced the issue maybe we wouldnt be in this mess. If i had been more careful with my weight, he wouldnt have looked elsewhere. Everything is ruined, i have stuffed things up for us, well and truly. I cant handle the hurt and misery anymore. I cant do this anymore. Someone HELP me please, get me out of this hole, its too deep for me. This is too hard. <BR>I dont think im making much sense anymore, i cant focus anymore, my eyes are too blury from my tears..

tears<P>{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}<P>Please don't beat yourself up so much. It is true that you and your husband jointly share responsibility for the state of your marriage at the time he sought the affair. However, he and he alone is responsible for his choice to have an affair. <P>The fact that he chose to do this with a 16 year old teen is very disturbing.<P>You said that d-day was two months ago for you. Your feelings of pain are natural. At the two month point I was till in very deep pain and was non-functional. In my case my husband was very supportive. He not only let me feel my pain in my own way. He also held me when I needed it. So my recovery has been quick. At 3.5 months most of the pain is gone. Note that I said "most" there is still some but I can deal with it effectively at this point. It is going to take you some time. I've read that it takes 2 years to recovers from an affair.<P>When you are feeling down, can you ask your husband to hold you? How does he react to this?<P>Have you read Dr. Harley's book "Surviving An Affair"? It is a must read because it will give you the road map to how to get your marriage on track. His books can be ordered from this website or Amazon.com. I got mine overnighted to me. It was worth the extra cost.<P>So give yourself time. Be nurturing of yourself.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Dear Zorweb<BR>My last post was a result of one of my difficult days. I find myself posting most days, a bit like writing in a journal. While at the same time hoping that someone out there can give me an insight on how they worked through their spouse's affair. So i thank you for your response and support.<P>I agree that even though we had many problems within our marriage ultimately, my H is responsible for his choice to have an affair. But to actually take our problems to that extreme is somehow very difficult for me to accept and understand. Most times i find my thoughts racing through overdrive, and questioning why my H had to go so far. Why a 16yr old? I have found him watching Asian teenage porn. So maybe he has had some long, secret fantasy with this and by meeting this young, naive and innocent girl, from the same origin background he thought she would fullfill this fantasy. I have confronted him about this conclusion but as usuall he denies it and says he doesnt know why her, he says that he just started chatting to her online and things just moved on from there. Im sure he must have gone into the teenage chat room. Who knows!<P>I have read many of your posts and others where H have been supportive and show their remorse in many different ways. I envy this soo much. It was only on Saturday night where we were in bed and got into this (affair) discussion. Our discussion got pretty heavy and i got so emotional,once again, while he just lay there in silence and just listened. Yes all i wanted him to do was snuggle close and hug me and reassure me that he was remorseful for what happened and that we will get through this together. But nothing close to that happened. I couldnt sleep so i got up and sat in the loungeroom, put the tv on and just cried for a while on my own. <BR>I dont want to have to ask my H to comfort me. I feel he should just do so himself if he really wanted to. If he thinks that maybe i would back away then so be it, at least he would have tried. He thinks he his doing something by stopping all contact with both women. I feel as though i would be forcing him to do something he really doesnt want to do. I remember the time we were courting and when we broke up once, he did everything possible to get us back together. Why cant he do this now? Why cant he think this way? Maybe he is trying to drive me away.. so that i will be the one to leave first, and he can come out looking as though he tried to stay to work things out. <BR>Anyway, i do see that when he doesnt try to do everything he can t win his family back, and just go about things everyday as if nothing has happened, it doesnt give me much hope. As i said my mind starts to think the worst for him and us. I know i sound bitter but thats where my life is at, at this moment. Maybe i will look into buying the book "surving an affair" through amazon.com and see where that will take me.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited July 10, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited July 10, 2001).]

dear tos<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I dont want to have to ask my H to comfort me. I feel he should just do so himself if he really wanted to. If he thinks that maybe i would back away then so be it, at least he would have tried.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>I think that yes, you should ask him to comfort you. I know he should know when to comfort you, but you never know, he's probably feeling guilty and feel that he doesn't have the right to force himself on you. So just tell him how you feel when you cry and that you need him to just hold you and comfort you at that time.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He thinks he his doing something by stopping all contact with both women.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>Yes, actually, that is doing a lot, though you may not think so at this point. This is the first part of Plan A. Absolutely no contact with the OW. I think that is at least a sign that he doesn't want to contact them again. <P>Try to speak to him about the root of the problem. Find out if there was anything besides your weight that was a problem for him. I know he's the one who did wrong and it seems like you're the one who has to do all the fixing, but it depends on what your marriage is worth to you. Please try to find strength in God, and ask him to give you the right words to say to your husband.<P>I can imagine you're fuming everytime you think about it, but see where this leads and if any progress can be made. I think you should really try to get him to talk, or if he doesn't, try to get him to speak to the counselor with you.<P>Maybe he will start showing some remorse when he fully understands what he has put you through. <P>Good luck, my dear and remember keep venting here. You are in my prayers, as always.<P>God bless.<BR><P>------------------<BR>CPL

I don't have any experience with this subject but I am curious about one thing. Where is the 16 year old girl in all this? Your husband committed a crime even if he didn't have full intercourse with this girl. Of course maybe the law is different where you come from. I have a 16 year old. I can only imagine how this girl must be feeling. Whether your husband is 34 or 27 it doesn't matter,he is an adult she is not. If she doesn't have parents that are able to help her maybe it would help you to help her.It might take your focus off your hurt. Just my opinion.

Dear tears,<BR>Have you ever heard of Gwen Shamblin's book called, "WeighDown." It is excellent. And you can check out the website at wdworkshop.com----very inspiring. I did not ever attend a workshop but was able to apply the diet by just reading the book. Check it out!<BR>

Dear CPL<BR>Thank you for all your advice. I agree with all that you have said. My H and I are so out of reach from each other that i find it difficult to ask for comfort from him. But i will try. The other night he frustratedly asked me what i wanted from him to show that he is sincere about working things out. He said that if its to come over and hug me, he wasnt doing this as he feels that im so angry i will slap his face. I would never, ever do this no matter how hurt i feel. But i guess the distant between us leaves each of us think the worst of each other.<BR>I agree that my H choosing to stop all contact with OW on the same day i found out about it is doing a great deal in repairing our marriage. I guess if he hadnt done this i would not still be with him.<BR>This afternoon we are going to our next counselling session and i will address in detail what im thinking as to if there is other reasons to why he chose to go to the extreme he did with this particular OW. Even though i asked him just as you advised me too but his answer was he didnt think that is the case as he has been watching a variety of porn. <P>You know my marriage/family was my world. I adored my H and i know a part of me still loves him a great deal. But since i found out about his affair/s the hurt that he has caused me, clouds my feelings towards him and what the future holds for us. I dont know whether i can get past it all. Whether i can ever trust him. Or whether he will love me just as much as i love him. I know i sound so confusing at times, but thanks heaps for your advice and i try to absorb everything you have said.<BR>Ill let you know how i go.<BR>tears<P><p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited July 16, 2001).]

ANAID<BR>I IM the young girl when i first found out to learn about what exactly happened. I told her that she should be careful at who she chats with in the chatrooms. I even told her to never to meet up with anyone else from the net again as she could one day be seriously harmed. Sometimes I thought i was getting through to her and sometimes i got the impression she thought i was my H playing games with her, and giving excuses to stop seeing her. I found that in her emails she kept dragging this whole mess back and forth on what really happened. Time went by with her playing games with me by IM asking if i was my H and claiming that she was a friend of hers wanting to know what happened in all this. I felt i did try an help her throughout our IM by explaining that what happened was wrong and that my H shouldnt have done what he did. I did tell her that if she had problems with her family life then she should seek profesional counselling and not through people in chatrooms as it is very dangerous to do so. I dont know what else i could have done.<P>I have thought about what my H has done with this girl a million times over in my head to think the same way as yourself, "a crime". Even after i read your post i looked into the listing of crimes on the web for where i am. I found some info and even showed my H. From what i read its a cime to have or intend to have intercourse with someone "under" 16yrs of age. I also found a section on indecency and my H claims that they both conscented to what they got up to. He didnt force her to do anything. I am still going to look further into this, believe me. But what am i supposed do other than make it clear to my H how disgraceful it was for him to do all this with her. Even though i have already done so over and over. I will also ask him to get professional help for his sick way of thinking. Everytime i think about what he did i get so scared, scared that he could go to jail for this. And my son will be left without a father.<P>BIthereDUNthat<BR>Thank you for your suggestion. I have bookmarked that website and will look and read through it soon.<P>tears<p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited July 16, 2001).]