It's been 5 days since D-Day. I ordered the book everyone is suggesting and i've been reading lots here on the site. My H came home on Wed. night. He was gone for work for a couple of days. I know,not good. He;s actually been away from us for 3 years. He has work in another state. I know what ya'll are a thinking. I've thought it too. My mind thinks, has he been having an affair with someone there???/ And now i've finally pulled my head out of my butt and put to and to together? Of course it sure would explain alot if he was. Why me and the kids get next to nothing in money for food,clothes., all and i mean all our personal bills this year are always wait til we get the final notice, then he pays them. Yet, he has done whtever he wants with the money. I'm a stay at home mom with 4 kids. He owns his own business, thus he has control of it. Am I just being stupid or am i being taken for a ride???/ He only confessed when i knew inside what he had done and i cornered him on it. i've known for sure for about 2 1/2 months,but i could never get him to confess. Also, he says it was just a one night stand, but then he;ll say, well, its over now. that leads me think, hmm one stnad or a long term thing?? I'm so new to this i still can't eat or sleep. He left this mornig again for work out of town. I wonder if i'm the idiot here. PLease someone out there help me.

Welcome <B>paytonrose</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>There will be so much more to find out...<BR>...be patient with the new discoveries...<BR>...and...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You are <B>NOT</B> alone!<BR>... the infidelity diety hits almost everyone!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

paytonrose -<BR>Welcome. I haven't been on just found out for a while. First off, I'll tell you I know the intense pain and suffering you are going through. Do you know, that his brush off is to tell you that everything is okay - but it is not. Next, he is holding your purse strings, he has all control. If it smells like a ..., acts like a ..., it is probably a ...<P>There are alot of very good advice givers here. You need some more info. But since he doesn't live there 24/7, that may be a bit difficult. I can tell you a trick, doesn't cost a whole bunch (about $350) if you can scrape that up. You can get a private detective to send him a complimentary "free" phone card, they will send the call log to your PI, and you will know who he is calling, how long, etc. When he gets it it will look legitimate - besides who can resist a free phone card - can't remember exactly how many minutes.<P>From your post, I personally feel really bad about your situation. Mine is much different, but my good friend told me last year in June, "That's not a marriage". You really need some answers, and justifiably, you thought you had a marriage. From your description, sounds a little funny - do you have his residence phone number where you can contact him out of state? How often do you talk to him? I'd be a bit concerned about the withholding money. If there is anyway to do any snooping, like a briefcase or .... <P>We just know here that when your spouse is not willing to give details that means they have something to hide, something they do not want you to find out. Also, try to think of any changes you have noticed in his behavior, and when they occurred. Please keep us posted on your developments. God bless you and your children.<P>You might want to come over to In Recovery. That is where I am most of the time. Again, we know your pain, and we are here to help. I know you are on an emotional rollercoaster - you have every right to be. Hope you can find out some other info. Like ordering cell phone bills. Do you know where he stays when he is out of state? <P>You are in the right place here at MB. We are here to help you make it through. Glad you found this. My d-day was June 2000, but I did not find MB until April 2001. I went through alot of pain alone. Please post soon. aftershock

Thanks NSR for writing back. I feel somewhat better if thats possible. I have a question for you. My story is that 3 months ago my H came to me and told me he wanted a divorce. He said he no longer loved me, wanted out. He said there was nothing I could ever do to win him back. I was Floored!! It sent me to my knees in prayer! He said i had hurt him with my actions and words so bad i could never win his heart back. Without even knowing anything about a plan A I decided to do a complete 360 degree turnaround in everything. You name it, i did it. He still ended up cheating on me. I mean i took alot of crud from him. It was really hard. After i found out this week, he told me he wants to do anything to work our marriage out. He said he doesn't want me to leave(we've been married over 11years, and together 14 years.)we have 4 kids as well. H esaid he doesn't want what the world has to offer and that he wants me and Us again. He said that I won his heart back. He sounds very sincere. I do not at this point want to say or do anything stupid to push him away either. Now i have said some things, to him. but it wasn't that bad. Just been crying alot.I gave him a letter yesterday and he read it. It wasn't hurtful or condeming in any way. Just stating what i needed in order to make this work. Was i wrong for doing that? i feel the need to protect myself in some way. I very much love him. he has been my whole life since i was 17. the other question i have is, am i starting Plan A for real this time? is that what i need to do? I've been doing my own version for 21/2 months now. do i keep doing what i have been doing or do more??? By the way, in the last month he has been very receptive to me in all areas of life.

paytonrose,<P>I think counseling is in order...<BR>...I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$120US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)! Also check out the post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008844.html" TARGET=_blank>looking for a counselor</A>…..zorweb/K…..5/11/2001<P>Having him buy into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<BR>...is important... so a MB-type counselor would be best.<P>You have an EN... for financial security...<BR>...and it's not being met...<BR>...make sure this gets addressed in counseling.<P>Continue in Plan A...<BR>...maybe even doing more...<BR>...as you persue the "counseling"... with him... if possible...<BR>...without him... if he won't consider it!<P>My prayers for you...<P> <P>Jim

Payton -<BR>Your marriage has alot to mend - NSR always has great advice - I need to talk to him - but it is not hopeless - if your H says he wants you back, then you can work on it. But, you need to read, and gain much knowledge before you can make informed decisions. A's in a marriage only show weaknesses, but they can be fixed. Please promise you will read, and your H needs to read too, and promise to work together - but not out of state. He needs to come clean. <P>My decisions have been made slowly. I cannot say that everything in my marriage is perfect or solved at this stage of the game - I still don't know where my H is - he acts the same he use to before the A - but my H has a wall, and he never tells me his feelings (except when I get upset), and they are usually non-committal. So my homefront is ???? Both his parents are like that - very unemotional, very matter of fact.<P>Anyway, best to make real decisions based on information, go slow and make the right ones. NSR is right, your H must buy into MB principles. When all is said and done, when you meet your maker, what accomplishments do you want to be remembered for? Is life so important to be dishonest? Well, better finish this. Hope you are doing better! aftershock<BR>