Can someone please help me.Three weeks ago my husband decided after five years that he didn't want to be married anymore!!I was 3 months pregnant at the time (planned).One week after he left I lost the baby.I cannot go on anymore,I have cried since the day he left.He has left the country and wants no contact,he did say there was no-one else involved.The doctor has put me on anti-depressants,they don't seem to help.Please someone tell me what to do.My heart is breaking and I want him to come home,my life is over....

Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<P><B>ABOUT YOUR POST</B><P>I am sorry for the loss of your baby. I had a miscarriage once (right after my then-H moved me 100's of miles away from my family, and his OW's [3 of them]). I am so sorry for your pain.<P>Please know that you will receive responses, but probably not until tomorrow. Weekends are VERY SLOW around here.<P>You are not alone!<P>You are doing the right thing by going to the doctor and getting help... how about a therapist to deal with the grief??<P>Hang in there... it feels like your life is ending right now... but if you can hold on, and begin to take good care of yourself, you can work to try and repair your marriage, or to go on, whichever way this works out -- and of course, we're hoping for a restored marriage!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino<p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited June 24, 2001).]

Thank you for your reply,and kind words.<BR>I just don't see a future,everything has gone,my husband and my baby.I cannot eat,sleep or even think.I have tried to communicate by email.He just replies that I should take care of myself and move on! I don't understand what has happened.I feel so desperate.

Sadandalone,<P>Nyneve is right. The weekends here are slow, so please try to hang in there until people can respond to you.<P>There's nothing I can say to you right now that is going to "fix" this, but I hope maybe a little love and understanding will help somewhat. The fact of the matter is that your life is full of sorrow right now, so it is appropriate for you to feel sad. It means you are alive and your heart is working as it should. But I know there are times in life when the sadness just seems unbearable--like you would do almost anything to stop the pain. It may not help a lot for you to know that I remember feeling just like you do...like someone had ripped my heart and soul clean out of my chest and the pain was unbelievable. I cried for 3 days and nights straight, wailing and crying out to God, and I did not think it was possible to ever live through it. <P>You know what though? That was 1 1/2 years ago for me. Guess what else? I DID live through it...I did eventually feel happiness and joy again...and you will too. You can make it, sadandalone. I know those seem like such hollow words right now, but you can survive, and right now I need you to just trust my words about that.<P>In these days when your husband is not there and you have lost your baby, don't have any expectations of yourself. Don't "expect" yourself to wake up or get dressed or be busy around the house or "get over it" or "carry on." Expect yourself to be a sad, messy, tearful lump. It's okay--you cry and we will be here. That's how it goes with grief and loss--you cry and you're not yourself, and we watch over you for a while. Buy 3 or 4 boxes of lotion tissue (get lotion, because the dry tissues will eventually chaff your nose and your eyes); buy a bunch of coffee; and accept the fact that you are not going to feel like eating or sleeping. It's okay--we will be around to listen to you weep and wail. <P>You want me to tell you what to do? Here's what you do: live day by day. Just keep breathing--that's all you can expect of yourself--just keep breathing. If day by day is too long, live hour by hour. I've done that (I'm not proud of it, but sometimes that's the way it IS). Just tell yourself that you will just keep breathing until the next hour. Then, when that hour comes up--breathe until the next hour...slowly all day long. If hour by hour seems too long, then keep breathing for 15 more minutes. You can make it through 15 minutes, right? Cry if you want to--wail and scream!--but live through 15 minutes. <P>Okay. I'll check back on you a little later tonight, but I want you to write back to me once--during one of those 15 minutes--okay? You are not alone, sadandalone, and you and I and Nyneve will get through this and we will support each other and learn from each other. This time, it is your turn to lean on us. Okay? Here's a quick cyberhug:<P><BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sadandalone}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

See sadandalone, you are a little less alone today!! Please write, as CJ said... <P>Here's another hug for you...<P>(((((sadandalone)))))<P>~Sheryl

Sad, I am so sorry to hear your pain. I too have miscarried (feb '98), I was right around the same point you were - 13 weeks. It was a horrible experience that almost took my life.<P>3 times in my life I have been suicidal. All because I thought my H was going to leave me. I thought I was nothing without him, my life was over and I had no reason to go on. Once (the first time) I played russian roullette and WON!<P>My H has recently left me after months of being on a roller coaster ride. He is back with his OW and it hurts like hell. I am in plan B all the way and have my ups/downs.<P>Why am I telling you this? Because you're not alone. It took a lot of hard work, but I am no longer suicidal and so engrossed in my H that I think my life is over just because he is gone. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. <P>You need to eat, take your antidepressants and cry. Get some good friends and post, post, post! I know it is hard. For me, I lost 25 lbs in 10 days and then another 15 lbs in 2 weeks. Tell a friend what you are feeling and have them call you every few hours and MAKE YOU EAT. Get some medication from the doctor to help you sleep.<P>You will get through this. Your H is being an a**hole right now and will continue to be one for quite some time. We're all going through it (hop over to the General Questions board and you'll see). There's many reasons why he may have did what he did - Don't care about any of them right now. Focus on you and getting yourself better. Don't even talk to him in your state right now, not unless he shows up with bells and whistles and a huge apology tattooed to his chest! <P>I know this is NOT what you want to hear right now. But, listen to me. The ONLY hope you have right now of working on YOUR marriage and getting him back is to fix YOU. RIGHT NOW, not later. Take a deep breath, get some support and you'll be fine. I know you will. Ask for help, it is hard, but do it. Once you get this down, we here at MB can give you alot of advice on what to do and not do to work on your marriage. THERE IS HOPE - always.<P>Don't give up on us.<P>I am SO sorry for your loss, I am crying right now re-reading your post.<P>If you have no friends around to check up on you, I will call you. (I also know how that is). My email is hurtbyhubby@hotmail.com.<P>We are here for you. Keep posting.<P><<hugs>>

Dear sadandalone,<P>Please, please, know that just in hearing your story, you moved my heart so much. I can't tell you how much I want to be able to say something to help you. As much as you feel alone, there are even strangers in this world that care about you. The person who first saw your message sent out a plea for others to come and try and help you. There are people who care. Please know that.<P>And please, give the anti-depressants time to work. It takes some time for them to build up in your system. Often people don't see their effects for 3 weeks sometimes as much as 5 weeks. In your case, it will probably be longer. And keep seeing your doctor. If he isn't responding aggressively to what you are telling him, you may need to find another one. Or be much more honest and open with him about how you are feeling.<P>You have been hit with two of the worst things that can happen to people emotionally. But your life isn't over. Not by a long shot. You can survive this. You can.<P>I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I personally believe that your baby is in heaven and happy and knows how much you would have loved him or her. I don't know why you were not given the chance to do that yourself, but I do believe that you would have been a very good mother. I think I can tell that by your words.<P>sadandalone, I wish I could call you by your name, I know this is just a discussion board, and I'm not asking you to tell me your name, I just want so badly to reach you. Right now, what you need to do is very, very little.<P>Read all you can here at Marriage Builders. Read some books on this subject to sort out what has happened to you. But mainly, give yourself time to recover from what has happened to you. Most people don't understand that emotional injury is as devastating and as debilitating as physical injury. But they are both the same. You may not be able to see wounds and scars but they what has just happened to you is as destructive as being in a car wreck. You need to give yourself time to recover.<P>I know you want your husband back, but whatever has happened to him, don't put your trust in him now. You can find advice here on how to do what you can to put your marriage back together, but it doesn't sound like he's letting you do much at all at the moment. Just take everything one thing at a time for right now. One moment at a time. OK?<P>Ishmael

sadandalone,<BR> Count me in, i will be in and out all night we can just talk. i promise to stop bye a few times to see of you have posted. Tell me about something fun you like to do, sports you play, do you have a pet?? ANything, just post so me know your okay!!<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

{{{{{{{{SadandAlone}}}}}}}}}}<P>I can't give alot better advice than you have already heard but I wanted you to know that I too have read your post and I care, and I am very sorry. Just words, but words that mean that you are not alone, and there are lots of people here to help you through this, including me. If you want to email me my address is scaredinny@hotmail.com .<P>Keep posting. This message board is worth a million bucks in therapy!<P>

Hi there--<P>I am so very, very sorry for your situation. To deal with one loss at a time is plenty rough, but both together...<P>I lost my second child, Lauren, unexpectedly at birth ten years ago. I vividly recall those first months of agony, and how much it felt that I would never be happy again, never feel joy, that I might as well just quit. But, the human heart is an amazing thing, and in time you will want to be a part of life again. And, whatever happens with your H, you can survive this, trust me.<P>Please have faith in yourself. Your life has meaning beyond your husband and the child you lost. It may not be easy to see right now, but it does. <P>When my H wanted to leave, I found that the best way to calm myself was simply to accept that I could not change his mind, I could only take care of myself. I do not know if you believe in God, but I did find comfort in talking to God...sometimes angrily, sometimes just asking for comfort and support. <P>I am glad that you are seeing a doctor. Anti-depressants do take a while to kick in...you may want to call and see if he thinks you need to give them a little longer, or to try another...not all work for everyone, and sometimes it takes a try or to find the best one for you. Anti-depressants can make you better able to deal with everything, but they will not take the pain away, only make it softer and more manageable. A counselor might be a good idea as well...I know I saw one for quite some time after the loss of my daughter, and it did help.<P>What about other support? Do you have a close friend or family nearby? Do not be afraid to reach out to others for support, I firmly believe that is one of the main reasons we are all here. A large cyber-hug to you...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sadandalone}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>Keep posting, we do care--<P>Kathi<P>

Sadandalone,<P>I am sorry you are in so much pain. It's really hard, I know. I too have felt the way you do but believe me, it DOES get better. It is normal to feel this way. My husband and I have reconciled and are recoverying. I am happier now than I ever was before.<P>I am sorry for the loss of your baby. As Ishmael said, I belive your baby is in heaven and happy.<P>You've already been given wonderful advice by the wonderful people here. Take what we say to heart. You will be ok. Take it one day at a time.<P>Hang in there and keep us posted.<P>((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sadandalone)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))<P>K/LostNco/DSN<BR>[H]'s wife

[[[[[[[[[[[[[sadandalone]]]]]]]]]]]]]]<P>We are all hear to listen to you. Right now you are in shock. Double shock. I, too, remember the pain of miscarriage...I was about 16 weeks along in May of 1998 and lost the baby right before Mother's day. I remember the sadness and emptiness of that time. Please continue to reach out to people, ask for help...there are so many people that will be there for you.<P>I never thought that another thing in my life could be so painful, until this April when I discovered my H in an affair. <P>OH, for you to have to lose baby and H....keep talking to people. keep posting here. Look in your area for support groups for miscarriage, I know my doctor recommend something but I didn't take him up on it. <P>now I with I had, because I was probably suffering from postpartum depression from birth of middle son plus we lost three grandparents that next summer...I spent quite a bit of time depressed. Now that I am on antidepressants, I realize what was happening to me...<P>I hate to say it, but time is on your side. As I have gone through this last 8 weeks, plus have had a miscarriage, I can tell you that with each passing day, week, month and year, the pain lessens. Just when you think you can't bear it, it will become a little more bearable.<P>We are here for you.<P>Cali<BR>InShockinCali@excite.com

sadandalone;

My heart goes out to you. This is too much for you to endure alone. How long has it been since your husband left and you lost your baby? How long have you been on antidepressants? They can take a few weeks to start really helping.

Like so many of the other women posting here, I've lost a child too: One at three months and twin daughters still born at 6 months.

I’ve had two marriages fail. I’m in #3, and I hope the last, right now.

So I understand your pain. To have it compounded all a once is too much for anyone to have to endure. Do you have anyone, friend or family, close to you? Can you call someone to come get you or to stay with you? You should not be alone right now.

Please post here again so that we know you are ok. Would you like someone to call you or email you directly? If so please email me at zorweb@hotmail.com

Or leave your email address here (you can make one on hotmail must for this purpose). I now that people will reach out to you.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:54 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Dear sadandalone - I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I know how unbearable it is to have your life turned upside-down in this way. Please - if you have a friend or relative who can come and stay with you for a while - then ask them. It breaks my heart every time I hear of another human being having to go through this - for a long while I was stuck in the darkest pits of despair myself, and never thought that I would get out of it. That was just over 2 months ago now. You have done the right thing by going on anti-depressants, but they take time to work. Believe me - they WILL start to help soon, although I know that at the moment it seems that nothing can take the hurt away. You have been given such good advice by the others - we're all like family here and we really do care about you, even though we've never met. You have come to the right place for help, support and comfort. During my darkest days I was staying on this site all day long, and the help and kindness I have received here has been tremendously comforting. Post again soon, OK? We're here for you - and that's a promise. <P>hugs, Paint.

Dear Sad,<P>I am sorry to hear of your plight. There is no excuse for your H not supporting you in this time of your need. I would like extend the suppor to of this board here and already see that you have had many responses. These ones responding to you have already undergone much and can provide both insight and support for how you are feeling and what is ahead. <P>If this is your first preg and miscarriage, then you will need to know what your body is doing. In addition to deal with the problems with your H, your body will be putting extensive stress as it tries to cope with the loss of the baby. Knowing this will be helpful for when you do have anxiety attacks, feel worthless, hurt, angry and all the other strong emotions that you are feeling right now. <P>A good friend spotted your post and asked me to stop by and share some info with you. I would like to share with you a brief writeup about the 5 stages of grieving. While it is related to A's, it also relates well to the loss of your child. As the mother, you already have the emotional bond and this is one of the reasons it will affectyou deeper than your H. Who at this time may be off in fog land. (We'll deal with him later). For now, I need you to concentrate on yourself. <P>Here is that thread:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>I would like to 'briefly' share my story with you. My H (WS) had multiple 1 night stands for almost 1 year, then met OW on line and developed a EA/PA relationship which culminated in OW potentially being preg (waiting for doc confirmation). I lost a child at 8 weeks during this time last year and now preg again. d/d for me was Nov 2000 and H just came home. It has been rough. <P>What helped me was strengthening my support group. Family, friends, doctor, counselor. Not all knew everything. But they knew enough to help and I asked that all respect my decision. I prayed for a clear mind and calm heart. Then I found MB, read the basic concepts, took the Emotional Needs questionnaire, had a phone counseling session with H and Steve Harley and read many posts here, eventually had the nerve to post my own story and you guessed, I just can't stay away. This place has been a great support group. <P>There is another site on this board called Preg/Child. You can post some of your concerns there. Many of the posters are dealing with pregnancies and losses on both the OW and BS sides. There is a lot of support there. <P>Now for how to deal with your H. This is a different subject which will have it's challenges. Take your issues one day at a time. Remember this, if your H is in the fog, babbling strange things you have never heard before and he sound like a 'different' person, then be aware that can change his mind. Don't hang onto every word he says. You will learn to see the truth verses babble soon. We will help you. But for now, take care of yourself. Post a copy of your story on the Preg/child forum and see what they have to say. <P>Take care, <BR>L.<P>

To all you kind,wonderful people.<BR>I cannot believe there are so many people who care.I cannot write too much at the moment as I cannot see through my tears.Just reading your words and knowing I am not "alone" gives me strength.<BR>Thank you so,so much.<BR>I will write more later.<BR>Belinda

sadand<BR> Just saying HEllo and how are you doing today?? DO you have a goal for yourself?? Mine is REALLY cleaning my kitchen YUCK I really hate moving the fridge and stove to see what was lost behind them, I will check for you later. SMile!!!<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Just checkng it with you this morning to make sure you are ok.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

I am so very sorry for your loss...and your pain..<BR>Do get someone to stay with you, family/friends, just to be there for you. Maybe you should even go to counselling for immediate help.<BR>By all means vent here as much as you need to, we all care!<BR>My thoughts are with you

Yes, like the others, just dropping by to see how you're doing today...<P>Do you feel the outpouring of love here? Isn't it lovely?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheryl