ProfessorG,<BR>Pilgrim here. Is your wife by chance adopted?<BR>Your use of the shell analogy is interesting because it alludes to the ideas of (lack of) trust and need for protection.<BR>I am adopted ( at age 4 ). I have shells, too, which I use to protect myself from hurt and from other people. I tend to relate to most other people on a mostly superficial surface level. There is a very small group of people (3 or 4) who have access to some deeper levels of myself. No one has reached my inmost shell, except for my wife and I allowed OW to go there in hopes of achieving intimacy with her.<BR>What hurts is that W betrayed me by having an affair, which strikes at my most inmost being and feeling of acceptance. I feel abandoned by the one I trusted and needed most! It hurts, and I can't seem to get over it!<BR>I don't think OW could handle dealing with my inner shell, because she was in the process of backing away from relationship when I decided to go the no contact route. My desparate need for love, acceptance and intimacy has still left my inner spaces violated. Do you understand what I am saying? Maybe your W feels the same way I do. You might ask her if you can. <BR>